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Original poster

Advice please! Break up of long term relationship...

47 replies

user1496216055 · 12/04/2021 14:16

Hi all

I'm new here - but could really do with some advice please..

My partner (not married) of 11 years wants to break up, the actual reason I can't see however I have my suspicions. We have been together since we were 16 & 17, I have no idea how to live without him, he is all I've ever known. We own a house together (in the middle of extension & renovations), no children (thankfully - for this awful situation), just 2 dogs. We also own a business together which has been set up for just over a year, he works there full time with a team and I'm "part time" doing the admin side of things whilst working at another job too, tough at times but hopefully worth it in the long-run.

He wants us to continue the business as it was and to remain friends. Thankfully I also have my 'main job' so not at the same workplace constantly but have been furloughed for more hours so unfortunately haven't really got that as much of a distraction at the moment.

I don't really have any friends of my own, as with everyone people grow up, move away and start their own lives. Pretty much all of our friends are mutual and would hate to feel that any of them are being put in the middle but also sad as it feels the majority would definitely side with him. I really do feel lonely, isolated and depressed.

We were best friends and for the most have had a great relationship. But like everyone there have been ups and downs.; financial issues which have put a strain on us, arguments especially when alcohol is involved (which I have said I will stop drinking to prevent this), physical abuse from him (at one time so bad I couldn't go to work for a week due to the black eye I had.) Even me writing this makes me cringe at how pathetic I sound to not be strong enough to want to walk away but I do love him and enjoy our life, but don't know how on earth to carry on on my own. The thought of him being with someone else makes me feel physically sick and can't imagine still being involved as friends and with the business and seeing him happy with other people.

He has asked for space, which I respect, although difficult whilst still living together, I hardly call/text him so he doesn't feel like I'm on at him at all and I have slept on the sofa for the last week...

Any advice please? No harsh words please. Just any tips to try and be happy and "let him go" whilst still having to be involved in our lives together.

Sorry for the lengthy rant xx

OP posts:
GolfForBrains · 12/04/2021 14:23

Poor you, first of all.

If this is his decision, he wants to have his cake and eat it. Free to start another relationship, but business unchanged and still friends so he seems like the good guy and everything is still smooth. It seems highly unlikely that would work for you. You need to move on, not have a foot still in this relationship. Being friends will break your heart all over again. Go full time in your main job, or get another one. And move out if he won't, or talk to him about who will - those mutual friends may have room for one of you. If he broke up with you, why are you on the sofa?

Horrible though it is for you right now, a relationship where you get a black eye and have no friends outside the relationship is not a healthy one and you will get over this.

Doona · 12/04/2021 14:23

It's hard to say just from online, but I think a clean break would be best. Sell out of the business, move out (or he does) and make space for new friendships. Otherwise you'll keep turning to him for stuff and you won't build up your strength elsewhere

GolfForBrains · 12/04/2021 14:24

I really can't stress enough you don't have to be "involved in your lives" together.

litterbird · 12/04/2021 14:25

So sorry you are feeling like this OP. From your post it sounds like you both have some serious issues to deal with from alcohol to physical abuse so bad you couldn't go to work. Thankfully he called a halt to the relationship which is the best thing. Things will take some time to unravel themselves as you are very connected in many ways. You will learn to live without him, you will build new friendships and you will build a new life. It will take time. Are you able to sell you part of the business? It might be wise to step fully away from everything for a while, get the house valued and sold and you will still have friends from the group who will stick with you. Tough times will be ahead but you need to make plans to start moving away from him and the life you have built. Good luck OP.

Sacredspace · 12/04/2021 14:25

Why are you the one sleeping on the sofa? X

feeficken · 12/04/2021 14:29

I am going to tell you straight up as much as this is going to hurt please get a clean break. I am currently going through the same thing, my wife wants to split and not by my choice, she is ending our marriage for OM and its been going on for a year. We are still living together and its hell and I can tell you right now that I am still stuck in the same place I was last year, no further forward emotionally still totally devastated and I believe its because we're still in touch.

Original poster
user1496216055 · 12/04/2021 14:37

Thanks all. Selling my part of the business would be an option but realistically although we have made a profit in the last year, we put in all of our savings together, approx £20,000 to start it so unlikely that even my share of that would be available anytime soon, and I don't want to cause issues with the chance of the business going bust.

He wanted space, so I thought that would be best...although functioning on only a few broken hours of sleep a night for the past week and hardly eating isn't ideal.

I don't want it to sound all one sided, I know I have issues but I'm willing to work on them but he said he doesn't want me to change?! He doesn't seem to understand that I want to, not just for him but for me too. I think I know that a clean start is what it needs but it's just too hard to walk away. We live in a small place and everyone knows everyone which doesn't help and I work with his dad, it seems the whole situation couldn't get any worse right now! X

OP posts:
Original poster
user1496216055 · 12/04/2021 14:45

@feeficken I'm sorry to hear this, thank you for the advice. I know what you are saying rings so true, it must be so hard to still be in the same place after that amount of time Sad just wish I could turn back time to the good times.

OP posts:
Tomyoneandonly · 12/04/2021 15:10

Op you stated in your original post that you have been with him since 16/17 that would mean you had just left school or about to leave school. You have grown up with him and it is devastating that it has come to an end. Please op think on the positives. Its an adventure to experience new things emotionally. Cut him out of your life completely kick him out or walk away after all this does sound a tad abusive. You will make friends and be much more happier then you have ever been. Do not let him control you sell the business get out stay out don't see this waste of time of a man ever again.

Original poster
user1496216055 · 12/04/2021 15:31

@Tomyoneandonly yep, we met at sixth form and have been together since then. I've just turned 28 and I really did think marriage and kids would come along over the next few years, life seemed to be so sorted Confused...

I just always thought we would get through anything. And I can't get my head round why the sudden change of heart from him. He says he is in a bad place - I think the stress of being your own boss through the pandemic is taking it's toll, working all hours etc. and he does seem very down. I've supported him through everything we have ever done and am just gutted it looks like it is coming to an end, where I want to try and make it work and he is set on not trying. @GolfForBrains I think you have hit the nail on the head that he could go and start a new relationship with it still looking fine to outsiders...

OP posts:
NotaCoolMum · 12/04/2021 15:50

A lot of pp seem to be glossing over the fact that this relationship sounds totally dysfunctional.

WatieKatie · 12/04/2021 15:51

I feel for you OP. Having your life turned upside down by someone else’s decision is a difficult place to be and you’re clearly in pain.

It feels like you want to give things another go but he, for whatever reason, doesn’t. I really think time away would be best for you.

Original poster
user1496216055 · 12/04/2021 15:58

@NotaCoolMum I respect your opinion but who really knows what goes on behind closed doors with anyone's relationship - I suppose I've highlighted the worst bits as feeling so low, but we've had great times and years together x

@WatieKatie I think deep down I know what needs to happen, but like you say my world has been turned upside down and makes it so hard to try to think how it will ever get any better, I'm normally such a positive, happy person, it's been a tough week x

OP posts:
Treetops73 · 12/04/2021 15:59

He is violent towards you and you drink too much which leads to arguments - sorry OP but you are not at all good for each other. It’s time for a calm and civilised conversation about how to extricate yourself from each other’s lives so you can both move on. You are young with a long and exciting life ahead of you - the world is your oyster. Think about what you want your life to look like and work towards that. Good luck 💐

HelenHywater · 12/04/2021 16:03

He's violent towards you, has asked for break and you're sleeping on the sofa?

He needs to move out if he wants a break.

OP you've grown up with with this man, you can't see the relationship is completely dysfunctional. He has given you a black eye. Please get him to move out, or move out yourself.

You say that you don't know how to carry on on your own. You are clearly in a very codependent relationship. Have you got family you can speak to?

Sarahlou63 · 12/04/2021 16:12

I don't think it's feasible (or desirable) for you to stay in the house or remain entwined in the business - you have to make a clean break, maybe to a new job and a new area. It will be more difficult in the short term but in a years time you will be pleased you did; new life, new friends, no ties.

Given that he's instigated the split you owe him no loyalty in the business - other than to recoup your investment - and you should push for the house to be sold as soon as possible.

Whenever you falter, think of that black eye.

MazekeenSmith · 12/04/2021 16:21

[quote user1496216055]@NotaCoolMum I respect your opinion but who really knows what goes on behind closed doors with anyone's relationship - I suppose I've highlighted the worst bits as feeling so low, but we've had great times and years together x

@WatieKatie I think deep down I know what needs to happen, but like you say my world has been turned upside down and makes it so hard to try to think how it will ever get any better, I'm normally such a positive, happy person, it's been a tough week x[/quote]
Any relationship in which you get black eyes is dysfunctional and that's that. There is no grey area here

pog100 · 12/04/2021 16:23

I don't think many relationships lead to black eyes and weeks off work, even behind closed doors. In fact I know so. You need to recognise that this teen relationship has run its course and work to split completely. I'm surprised no one else has speculated, so I will, changes like this without real reason often signal that someone has had their head turned.

Pollypocket89 · 12/04/2021 16:27

I think a lot of relationships that start in their teens end up dysfunctional and stay together because of familiarity

stoopider · 12/04/2021 16:28

Why is this all on his terms? It’s likely he’s sleeping with someone else right? So you don’t have to be a pasty or a doormat or let him go with love. Bullshit. Ask him if he’s got someone else. Get some honesty. He should be sleeping on the sofa. Actually he wants to break up so he should leave and sleep somewhere else if he wants space. Why should your friends side with him? You’ve done nothing wrong. You’re a nice person. I’d be saying if he wants out fine but that means all out. House sold. He buys you out of the business and you get your investment back. It’s time to find your inner anger. What do you want out of life? You’ve been drifting living his life? In his shadow? Who’s idea was the business? His? With that money go to college/university. Sign up for September now. In fact it’s the ideal time. Go do a fun degree. Meet new people. Sew your wild oats. What do you fancy? Marine biology in southampton? Psychology in Bath? Social work in Bristol? You can now go anywhere and do anything you want. Lockdowns over. This is now the BEST time to be your age and out mingling. Go go go. Get rid of this old baggage and go find yourself a hot 28 year old who can’t keep his hands off you.

NotaCoolMum · 12/04/2021 16:29

@pog100 completely agree with you. On both points. @user1496216055 we do know what’s happened behind closed doors though as you’ve told us that you drink too much which has led to arguments, and that you’ve had to miss work due to the black eye he gave you. I know it’s hard but this just isn’t ok in any way and you can’t see it now, but he’s doing you a massive favour 💐

Notoriouslynotnotious · 12/04/2021 16:30

I think what everyone else can see user149 is that things are so bad in your life that you have to use alcohol to cope. I think in your circumstances you would really benefit from counselling. You are minimising abuse because the enormity of it is definitely not coming across when you post.

NotaCoolMum · 12/04/2021 16:30

@stoopider

Why is this all on his terms? It’s likely he’s sleeping with someone else right? So you don’t have to be a pasty or a doormat or let him go with love. Bullshit. Ask him if he’s got someone else. Get some honesty. He should be sleeping on the sofa. Actually he wants to break up so he should leave and sleep somewhere else if he wants space. Why should your friends side with him? You’ve done nothing wrong. You’re a nice person. I’d be saying if he wants out fine but that means all out. House sold. He buys you out of the business and you get your investment back. It’s time to find your inner anger. What do you want out of life? You’ve been drifting living his life? In his shadow? Who’s idea was the business? His? With that money go to college/university. Sign up for September now. In fact it’s the ideal time. Go do a fun degree. Meet new people. Sew your wild oats. What do you fancy? Marine biology in southampton? Psychology in Bath? Social work in Bristol? You can now go anywhere and do anything you want. Lockdowns over. This is now the BEST time to be your age and out mingling. Go go go. Get rid of this old baggage and go find yourself a hot 28 year old who can’t keep his hands off you.
Amen!!
Original poster
user1496216055 · 12/04/2021 16:31

@pog100 I think you're right, I wouldn't be at all surprised if he is in a new relationship soon after, unfortunately.

I just don't know how to "do life" without him, and scared of being lonely yet definitely wouldn't want to be in a new relationship. I know I need to get over it but how do I force myself to be okay with this and happy for him for whatever his new life becomes...

OP posts:
NotaCoolMum · 12/04/2021 16:35

You can’t force yourself to be happy but you can accept that you will hurt for a while but that you WILL get over this. Don’t strive for “happy”, strive for acceptance 💐