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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Advice please! Break up of long term relationship...

47 replies

user1496216055 · 12/04/2021 14:16

Hi all

I'm new here - but could really do with some advice please..

My partner (not married) of 11 years wants to break up, the actual reason I can't see however I have my suspicions. We have been together since we were 16 & 17, I have no idea how to live without him, he is all I've ever known. We own a house together (in the middle of extension & renovations), no children (thankfully - for this awful situation), just 2 dogs. We also own a business together which has been set up for just over a year, he works there full time with a team and I'm "part time" doing the admin side of things whilst working at another job too, tough at times but hopefully worth it in the long-run.

He wants us to continue the business as it was and to remain friends. Thankfully I also have my 'main job' so not at the same workplace constantly but have been furloughed for more hours so unfortunately haven't really got that as much of a distraction at the moment.

I don't really have any friends of my own, as with everyone people grow up, move away and start their own lives. Pretty much all of our friends are mutual and would hate to feel that any of them are being put in the middle but also sad as it feels the majority would definitely side with him. I really do feel lonely, isolated and depressed.

We were best friends and for the most have had a great relationship. But like everyone there have been ups and downs.; financial issues which have put a strain on us, arguments especially when alcohol is involved (which I have said I will stop drinking to prevent this), physical abuse from him (at one time so bad I couldn't go to work for a week due to the black eye I had.) Even me writing this makes me cringe at how pathetic I sound to not be strong enough to want to walk away but I do love him and enjoy our life, but don't know how on earth to carry on on my own. The thought of him being with someone else makes me feel physically sick and can't imagine still being involved as friends and with the business and seeing him happy with other people.

He has asked for space, which I respect, although difficult whilst still living together, I hardly call/text him so he doesn't feel like I'm on at him at all and I have slept on the sofa for the last week...

Any advice please? No harsh words please. Just any tips to try and be happy and "let him go" whilst still having to be involved in our lives together.

Sorry for the lengthy rant xx

OP posts:

Original poster

user1496216055 · 12/04/2021 16:39

@stoopider I love your passion for it, I suppose yeah I have been in his shadow. I guess I've never really thought about what I want...it all just seemed planned out you know and now the rugs been taken from under my feet. I just think they'll side with him as everyone just seems his as this great, outgoing guy who's friends with everyone. A few know how upset I've been and loosely whats going on but no texts or calls to see how I am...

OP posts:

Outbutnotoutout · 12/04/2021 16:44

I believe he has met someone, who he would like to pursue

category12 · 12/04/2021 16:55

OP, it'll be a huge mistake to "stay friends" and continue to work together.

Cut the rope, do the Freedom Programme, the world's your oyster.

feeficken · 12/04/2021 16:57

I will be honest the more you say the more I am starting to this there could be someone else involved, don't get me wrong I know people can fall out of love but just some things like how cold he is being all of a sudden would suggest his attention and affection is being directed elsewhere.

If you start hearing the script like I love you but I am not in love with its red flags time. You have already had the I need space line.

Its so hard I understand my wife and I have been together as teens and there is no "I" identity just "we/us" identity and like you I thought we where going to be that couple that met young and would grow old together that we would be the exception, and anything that happened we as a team could get through it together. Its hard loosing that and the future you thought you where going to have.

YoBeaches · 12/04/2021 17:00

Well. When I was in similar shoes to you, once this initial shock is over, you are in for the most exhilarating ride of your life.

Mentally pack everything in your life into small balls. Throw them all up into the air, and decide which you want to catch and which you want to let fall away.

You might not know what you do want in life, but this will help you work out what you don't want. An abusive partner is one of them.

Reframe your thinking and go for it! Free yourself from everything you know to be normal and take this opportunity to rediscover, reinvent, and redesign for your future.

Good luck - it's going to be awesome 😎

stoopider · 12/04/2021 17:33

If they are all his friends then this has done you a favour. There’s nothing keeping you where you are. You can go to any city in the UK. What’s your passion? What do you fancy doing? Give us your top 3 jobs. God, this time next year you could be having the best time. So exciting. You get to date and pick someone amazing and now you know what your boundaries are. If I was your age I’d go do a degree somewhere like Bristol or Nottingham. Or Leeds. Somewhere with brilliant nightlife and a great campus. You get to please yourself and not him anymore

Original poster

user1496216055 · 12/04/2021 17:49

@stoopider I really don't know, I don't have any ambitions (as awful as that sounds!). I left school at 18 and took on a few jobs just because I needed to, I then went to work at the same place as my partner as a vacancy came available (BTW us working together and living together then honestly worked so well!) and he left there to start this new business which is in the same field. Again, I don't really know any different or even what my dream job would be...how sad and dull!

OP posts:

feeficken · 12/04/2021 17:56

@user1496216055 actually its not sad at all and this is probably down to the fact you got together so young. I have been speaking to a counsellor and I have realised that I never really had that time to establish who "I" was, going into a serious long term relationship I was moulded into we and to be honest its isn't really that healthy.

Original poster

user1496216055 · 12/04/2021 18:05

@feeficken it's so nice to hear of other people in similar situations and what you say is so true. I guess I've just 'settled' along the way and been shaped into, really, his ambitions and life. I think everyone around us just sees us as one too (I think many will be shocked when it all comes public knowledge) we did everything together but it worked, it really did - I wish I had a dream and ambition though, apart from maybe winning the lottery and living in the sun with my dogs

OP posts:

Notoriouslynotnotious · 12/04/2021 18:06

The more you say this sounds like a real chance, I appreciate a terrifying chance, for you to find your own path in the world. You were so young getting together. I know it all seems so loved up getting together so young especially in the early days, but really it does enmesh you to someone else, often before you have really had a chance to discover who you are. Get some real support and figure out your own way. The world is coming out of a pandemic before you know it there will be this real sense of optimism about the tough times behind us and you will be perfectly poised to take on a world of new opportunities. It really can’t seem like it now because you have to grieve but he has done you a huge favour.

katy1213 · 12/04/2021 18:14

A man who gave you a black eye is not your best friend.
Sell the house - get him to buy you out of the business, withdraw your admin services - and if it fails, it fails, that's his lookout, not yours.
You're young. You don't have to be happy for him, you can curse him to hell and back, breathe Covid germs through his letterbox, whatever. But you will 'do life' just fine without him. Do what @stoopider suggests and apply for a university course and further your own ambitions rather than a man's. At 28, you'll run rings round the 18-year-olds. At the very least, look for a job away from his family. Make up for all the years you lost settling down too quickly with this oaf. This time next year, believe me, you wouldn't have him back gift-wrapped.

And cut back on the drinking! Although you might find that happens naturally when he's out of your life.

Original poster

user1496216055 · 12/04/2021 18:21

@Notoriouslynotnotious thank you! It is terrifying but actually feel slightly positive after your comment typing this whilst wiping away the tears and that there is a happy and optimistic life out there.

@katy1213 I think you might be right, I never really looked at it like that but I think drinking was a way of coping with anxiety (but actually made it worse) and to gain confidence.

OP posts:

Moonface123 · 12/04/2021 23:40

I would read up on co dependancy. Fear is getting the better of you. This relationship is not healthy. Sounds like he has anger issues, good job you don't have children. Just because he's all you've ever known doesn't mean you were meant to spend the rest of your lives together. You will be absolutely fine on your own, think of it as a positive change, you will never look back.

CrazyNeighbour · 12/04/2021 23:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SynchroSwimmer · 13/04/2021 00:02

You will want to recover more than the amount that you put into the business initially - to reflect the time and effort in the original setting up, plus the ongoing contribution that you have been making in the early stages of growing the business.

Probably a percentage of the business.

Tomyoneandonly · 13/04/2021 16:02

Op you are a genuine person. I really do wish you all the best in your future. Hope you find someone who appreciates you.

Good luck op
Ps try not to feel bad about your 1st ltr ending. Its OK.

Original poster

user1496216055 · 13/04/2021 16:18

@Tomyoneandonly thank you, very scary but think I need to make a few leaps, currently looking at solo holidays for when we can

OP posts:

Hulmeert · 13/04/2021 16:43

Him giving you a black eye for a week is not a part of normal ups and downs....

BrilliantBetty · 13/04/2021 16:50

Clean break is the only way to get through this.

You're young enough to meet someone new (if you want to), have fun and build a new life, marriage kids etc. But too old to waste time going backwards and forwards with this. Trying to get on as friends and business partners.
Be strong and independent, better things are on the horizon.

EarthSight · 13/04/2021 17:24

Because you were so young when you got together, and because you maybe haven't had the best upbringing (I'm speculating), I don't think you really realise the severity of what's gone on between you.

But like everyone there have been ups and downs.; financial issues which have put a strain on us, arguments especially when alcohol is involved (which I have said I will stop drinking to prevent this), physical abuse from him (at one time so bad I couldn't go to work for a week due to the black eye I had

No, sorry, this is really ISN'T your 'normal ups and downs' that simply everyone has. It's so strange that that you speak about it in an almost casual way, like listing it alongside financial strains.

It is absolutely not normal in the slightest for a man to punch, shove, push or strike his wife.

Palavah · 13/04/2021 21:17

Echo PPs that these are not normal ups and downs.

In whose name are the house deeds?

Original poster

user1496216055 · 13/04/2021 21:43

Thanks everyone, think I needed your honesty to open my eyes. I always felt I couldn’t speak to anyone due to the embarrassment of it all, just brush it all under the carpet, pick myself up and carry on. I’ve finally realised this is not normal and I do deserve so much better. Thank you!

@Palavah it is jointly owned, 50/50.

OP posts:

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