Elderly parents trying it on?

[JensonsAcolyte]

My SILs parents are in their mid/late 70s. One had a stroke last year and the other has just been diagnosed with Parkinson’s.

SIL does everything for them, she visits every day (next town over) and does all their shopping etc. Shopping involves going to several supermarkets as they have specific things they like from each one.

They call her several times a day for help with anything from changing batteries in the remote to help with the heating. She often has to go over for a second time that day to help with things.

Stroke parent is ‘not all there’ when she visits or calls and Parkinson’s parent is barely mobile. They will not entertain the idea of any outside help apart from her. She’s on her knees.

However. My nephew (teenage) tells a very different story. He’s sat with them lots during lockdown while his mum goes to the shops. He said PP is much less wobbly and pretty capable, and SP holds reality based conversations and doesn’t ramble.

My MIL (our MIL) also says that when she speaks to SP on the phone once a month or so she is perfectly with it.

Now, I know that dementia etc can be variable but I suspect they are hamming it up for her attention. Is this a thing? And how can I help her?

SIL is a very anxious person and I’m worried about how much stress she’s under.

There’s honestly nothing you can do about this other than say your piece to SIL once and then leave it. She’s making the choice to do all of this for her parents and has options. She could withdraw, do less, explore a carer or cleaner, online shopping for them or teach them how, and so forth. She’s choosing to take this approach and she has a right to choose that, without others trying to tell her to stop or do something different.

If you must then you can have one conversation with her where you ask how she’s coping with caring for her parents and whether there’s anything you can do to support her (bearing in mind you need to understand beforehand what you’re willing or not willing to do), whether that’s emotional support or having fun together to relieve some of the stress or whatever. But honestly that’s all you can do and I wouldn’t encourage you to get involved. She’s a grown woman and can manage her own relationship with her parents. It comes across a little boundary-stepping that you’re asking how you can get involved in this and what you can do. It’s not your place at all.

Well, she cried all over me about the pressure she’s under and how poorly they are. And then her son took me aside and told me a different story.

So not boundary stepping really. I do t want to get involved other than perhaps helping her see that they perhaps don’t need her as much as they claim.

Has her son told her about the difference when SIL isn't there?

Yes but in her opinion they are putting on an act for him, not her.

Her son needs to tell her what he's seen. Your poor SIL. It's so selfish when people won't get any outside help and expect their relatives to do everything for them :-( x

Can your SIL ask them about putting official care in place. If they need it they'll take it and if they don't need it then they don't need it from your SIL either.

Her son needs to speak to her.

Poor bugger.

And while it may not be your ‘place’ to help her, it would be a kindness if she is breaking and has come to you with her worries.

We can all struggle with our lot in life and some would love someone to hear them - really hear them.

Ok, then it doesn't look like she is prepared to accept they are hamming it up. Not sure there's a lot you can do, other than let her vent on you, if you feel able/willing to do that.

She needs to ask adult social services for a carers assessment. See: www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/practical-support/getting-care-and-support/carers-assessment

They will then be able to say whether they actually do need any help or not.

I can see that you're concerned but perhaps it would be better coming from her son who has seen what the issues are (or not) first hand.

If her son has told her and she is choosing to ignore it and keep doing what she’s doing then all you can do is respect that decision.

@saffire

She needs to ask adult social services for a carers assessment. See: www.carersuk.org/help-and-advice/practical-support/getting-care-and-support/carers-assessment

They will then be able to say whether they actually do need any help or not.

Thank you, that is really helpful. I’ll forward the link to her as a suggestion.

Agree with above poster here .An assessment will help clarify the situation .Do bear in mind that elderly people can vary a lot in mood from day to day .Probably are appreciating a visit from their young GS and making the most of it .They will have to accept some outside help is possible or poor SIL will be on the floor! This will often be best received from a SW or suchlike .

Doing too much for people helps to 'kill them with kindness'
Like fetching and carrying and doing everything so they end up sitting down all day, leads to muscle wasteage and falls, which then leads to lack of confidence and even less walking leading to more falls, fractures and head injuries.
She needs to step back so they can get the trained, professional care they need, if they actually do.
But there could also be a bit of co-dependency? It's nice to be needed.
Far more likely they are telling a fine tale and letting her do everything. Because that's what daughters are for, isn't it?

These illnesses you describe are complex, dementia is a funny condition, even the most advanced cases of dementia sometimes sparks through a moment of normal life but it's fleeting. As for parkinsons, the condition can be controlled with medication, so maybe the nephew is seeing the after affects of the medication kicking in, not the before affects
Either way it's to much for 1 person to handle and I'm afraid as these illnesses worsen she will need outside carers coming in

It’s probably a bit of both. However until she draws some boundaries her situation can only get worse. She could take a holiday to force the situation with some sort of external help being established.

So many elderly people refuse help from outside the family, it’s absolutely infuriating and I say that as someone with considerable personal experience.

SIL has to make the changes unfortunately as they will not.

I doubt they are hamming it up , my MIL had dementia and could hold a decent conversation , but it was very much in the minute and with no one about, had no ability to cope . I can't tell you how difficult it is too bear ,when no one believes how bad it can be and you feel totally helpless and alone. I did read up something on frontal lobe damage and that gave me a bit of insight .
Neither dementia or parkinsons get better and are variable from day to day .
And rather than people thinking she is being taken for a mug , she needs some support to make some of the changes they are resistant to, while still being a good supportive daughter .
To support your SIL the most you should not take the word of a teenage boy over hers and don't blame her parents for their illness , while still ecouraging her to cut down some of the unnecessary shopping trips and extras she is doing ,and to get a social services in place .

My sister’s MIL used to do similar. Act all ill in front of her and perfectly well and capable of holding a conversation in front of her DS. I’ve witnessed it with a friend of mine, the moment her son left the house she started to walk and funnily. She had been trying for years to split them up, not sure what your SIL’s parents motives are.

Have you tried reassuring your SIL that she isn't a bad daughter if she tells them she can't cope. Feelings of obligation and guilt can be a heavy burden. My FIL had very unrealistic expectations after MIL had her stroke and tried every guilt trip in the book. My SIL who is very kind and trusting had to be taken aside and have a few things explained in black and white but afterwards she felt relieved.

Sometimes people needing care will only accept care from certain people...ie those who do exactly what they want them to do, exactly how they want it done. Even if they had a paid carer it is highly unlikely that they would dash around to different supermarkets getting different products from each of them. Sadly, some people needing care become over demanding and quite selfish. As a carer it is vital to look after yourself too to avoid total burn out. Nothing is going to change for your SiL until there is some honest discussion about what level of care is actually needed and how that care can be provided.

My dad has dementia but not too badly but he certainly isn’t well enough to live on his own .He can seem with it but if you live with him it is obvious he has problems

She’s going to have to say no to things. Starting with the multiple shops. That’s not on. My friends parents tried this. She solved it by writing a schedule so she wrote monday Weds Friday on a sheet and the name of the shop on it. That’s where she went on those days. If they wanted something on a particular day they’d have to wait. The other option is they get online ordering sorted. There’s no need to be shop running in this day and age

Firstly 👏👏👏 to your sister in law.
Secondly they are very complex diagnosis.
I think that you and your brother need to step in now and either get outside help in or do some yourselves.

Apologies have reread it and it is her parents and not yours
She needs outside help - fast

She’s my DH’s brother’s wife so unfortunately we are nowhere near close enough to her parents to step in.

I might have a quiet word with her DH though; or get my DH to.

I’ve given her the link about help for Carers and she is going to contact them.