Elderly parents trying it on?

[JensonsAcolyte]

My SILs parents are in their mid/late 70s. One had a stroke last year and the other has just been diagnosed with Parkinson’s.

SIL does everything for them, she visits every day (next town over) and does all their shopping etc. Shopping involves going to several supermarkets as they have specific things they like from each one.

They call her several times a day for help with anything from changing batteries in the remote to help with the heating. She often has to go over for a second time that day to help with things.

Stroke parent is ‘not all there’ when she visits or calls and Parkinson’s parent is barely mobile. They will not entertain the idea of any outside help apart from her. She’s on her knees.

However. My nephew (teenage) tells a very different story. He’s sat with them lots during lockdown while his mum goes to the shops. He said PP is much less wobbly and pretty capable, and SP holds reality based conversations and doesn’t ramble.

My MIL (our MIL) also says that when she speaks to SP on the phone once a month or so she is perfectly with it.

Now, I know that dementia etc can be variable but I suspect they are hamming it up for her attention. Is this a thing? And how can I help her?

SIL is a very anxious person and I’m worried about how much stress she’s under.

It's very difficult to back off from a care routine. What would have probably been acceptable if put in place from the get go seems like callous withdrawal of love when the carer tries to put boundaries in place retrospectively. Your SIL will get a huge amount of push back from her parents and I don't blame her for thinking that continuing as she is is the easier option.

Why would her parents accept any alternative plan? Whatever they get will be inferior to what they have now - someone who will attend at the drop of a hat, who is known and trusted, who will do exactly what they want, who is free.

You can gently suggest that she tries implementing some small rules - maybe one day off a week or a couple of days where she says no to a second visit if its not a life or death emergency, but understand that it will be hard for her.

Does she get any respite at all? Is she able to take holidays? What happens if she's ill?