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Original poster

Break up

43 replies

wow1111 · 12/04/2021 08:40

I think I'm just wanting advice I'm not sure? Husband left me early Jan, I have been doing everything I can to help me get over the heartbreak, working, uni work, meditation, journaling, seeing friends etc etc..
Its been over 3 months now, and I know I am getting stronger, but even when I am doing something and I am so so happy, I am still thinking of my ex, do I just need to give myself more time? We have contact for our pets, but that is only fri and sun, and contact is pretty minimum, even though since I have mentioned a divorce, ex has gave me a few little compliments and brought me a bottle when I said I was feeling shit so couldnt pick the dogs up.

I just feel like I am getting mixed signals from him, or is he just doing this because he still cares? If I personally broke up with someone, I would not do little gestures like that.

OP posts:
autumnalrain · 12/04/2021 09:06

I understand how that could be confusing, it sounds like he definitely still cares.

Perhaps he loves you but he’s just not IN love with you.

If you were together for a long time he probably finds it hard to shut off all feelings (even platonic) for you.

litterbird · 12/04/2021 09:24

Of course you are still thinking of your ex, 3 months is no time whatsoever to recover. It may take months or years to fully recover. In your mind he is giving you mixed signals, in his mind its just a nice gesture to someone he cared for for a long time. Your marriage is over. Keep on the tracks of recovering from it. You are doing all you can right not to keep busy. Just keep going.

Justilou1 · 12/04/2021 09:38

I think you are vulnerable to misconstruing any compliments, and if he is single, he will be fishing for a leg-over or comfort where he knows he’s safe. I genuinely think you or he need to let go of the pets or separate them. (They’re not people) and just make a clean break.

Original poster
wow1111 · 12/04/2021 09:45

I dont understand how else I could take 'You look beautiful' 'You smell nice, is that new perfume' 'I like your new haircut' 'Your new trainers are nice' Personally, if I was to break up with someone, I would definitely not say stuff like that to them. I do not give him any compliments back, just a quick thankyou, bye and then leave.

OP posts:
Original poster
wow1111 · 12/04/2021 09:47

I have said this about him not having them anymore, as I have them mainly, and he says that he is not prepared to not see them on a weekend, and he would not be able to have them full time. I have asked him to get someone else to pick the dogs up etc, but at the moment, there isnt really any other way we can get around it, so I do try and keep contact as minimal as possible.

OP posts:
MrsMaizel · 12/04/2021 09:51

He's trying to absolve himself of any guilt he might be feeling . He wants to act like you are friends . He isn't your friend at all .

Original poster
wow1111 · 12/04/2021 09:53

yes, he did say that he would like to stay friends, but I told him absolutely not.

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 12/04/2021 10:16

I agree 3 months is no time at all, its such early days still. I think him being nice to you is him trying to make himself feel better. He is not your friend. I’d see some other way of dealing with dogs - but cant he just get his own dog?

Justilou1 · 12/04/2021 10:17

He may not want to get back with you - he may be trying to jump your bones. Then he will feel guilty and break your heart again.

feeficken · 12/04/2021 10:39

Its hard to say what his reasons are, he could just be keeping his options open or he may indeed still care for you on a some level. Its hard to tell as you've not mentioned the reason for the breakup but @MrsMaizel could have a point about it being guilt and the reason for wanting to be friends as it helps ease that guilt and tell himself he can't be that bad if you wanted to be friends.

Original poster
wow1111 · 12/04/2021 10:43

Basically we've been living with family after living together for the past 6 years, just seemed to get on top of each other slightly, we both felt the same, we were both looking for our own house again so just thought once we were in our own space we would be fine again, two days after a house viewing he left and said he couldn't handle it anymore as it was draining, which it was slightly with covid, not being able to get out, but I would no way end our marriage over it

OP posts:
feeficken · 12/04/2021 11:45

It certainly sounds as though you've both have had a stressful time of it, I do agree does seem a shame to end your marriage when you where looking at places and there was light at the end of the tunnel.

Original poster
wow1111 · 12/04/2021 12:02

I think this is why I'm having a such a hard time because we were the most amazing friends as lovers, honestly nothing really to fault, just a shame something so minor has caused this, although I have found out he is having a hard time mentally due to a death a few years ago

OP posts:
feeficken · 12/04/2021 13:06

It certainly sounds perhaps it has been cumulative and maybe things have stacked up. I personally think if there isn't another woman perhaps he just needs some time but I do know as the left behind its very easy to see signs where there are none so tread carefully as you may be looking for something to grasp onto.

Dery · 12/04/2021 13:33

3 months is no time at all to get over the ending of an LTR. You’re doing all the right things to get over him though but it will take time to feel completely better.

Try to avoid reading anything into what he’s saying. He probably still cares for you and may also be trying to make himself feel a bit less guilty about leaving you but if he’s realised he made a mistake and wants you back, he would be making that very clear.

IME men are pretty clueless about how their words might be read. That’s because men are conditioned to go after what they want rather than wait for it to come to them. A good friend of mine ended up taking a course of study with his ex-wife and was completely baffled to find that she had read this as a sign that they might be getting back together.

In your ex’s mind, he probably just thinks what a nice bloke he is by giving you compliments. He probably isn’t wondering what they mean to you beyond assuming they cheer you up a bit.

Original poster
wow1111 · 12/04/2021 13:44

This is why I told him we would keep contact minimum, as he'd give me a hug or kiss (after we split up) but then afterwards said, I don't want to give you false hope?! No contact is definitely helping

OP posts:
Original poster
wow1111 · 12/04/2021 13:56

IF my ex did regret the mistake that they made with leaving me, do people think it could still possibly be a few months for him to do anything about it?

I understand that there is a chance that he doesnt want the relationship back, but just with how minor the situation is, him telling me he still wants me, he didnt want to leave me but he needed to and he still loves me deeply just makes me think it is such a waste if we end our marriage

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Dery · 12/04/2021 14:24

I think that if he wanted you back, he would tell you unequivocally, not be vague about it. You’re better off proceeding on the basis that it’s over for him. He’s the one who went off and the onus is on him to make clear he wants you back and work hard to rebuild your trust in him. He’s not doing any of those things.

Original poster
wow1111 · 12/04/2021 14:36

So, if they do subtle things, like ask to go for a walk etc, I should just completely say no, as I can not be friends with him, and they still would not want to reconnect?

OP posts:
feeficken · 12/04/2021 15:35

One thing I am learning and I have had to learn the hard way is that sometimes its better to just pull back and give space, I know that seems counter intuitive but I think as @Dery has said if he feels he wants to be with you I would think he would let you know. Of course you know him better than we do and if he is the type of guy to drop hints rather than be direct.

Treetops73 · 12/04/2021 15:49

I agree with @dery too. He may just be trying to be nice to you, to make up for being the one to leave. Or he wants to keep his options open.

Could you consider just asking him straight out? Tell him that whilst you appreciate the compliments and the invites for walks, they are sending mixed messages and it’s not helpful to you? Only you will know whether he’s the kind of man who could answer honestly and openly, but for me it would be cards on the table time. Trying to second guess would do my head in! And frankly, life is too short.

Anotheruser02 · 12/04/2021 16:08

@wow1111

I have said this about him not having them anymore, as I have them mainly, and he says that he is not prepared to not see them on a weekend, and he would not be able to have them full time. I have asked him to get someone else to pick the dogs up etc, but at the moment, there isnt really any other way we can get around it, so I do try and keep contact as minimal as possible.
God he's tying himself to you through these animals, he broke up with you, now he HAS to see the pets, but you HAVE to keep them because he can't. He is holding you back through these pets. I think it's classic I want my freedom, but I also want you thinking about me/ wanting me. He doesn't want you but he doesn't want you moving on.
Original poster
wow1111 · 12/04/2021 16:34

@Anotheruser02 yes this is what a lot of people have said also.. I even said if he could go a couple of months without seeing them and he didn't agree

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Original poster
wow1111 · 12/04/2021 16:37

@Treetops73 all of this really started when I said I wasn't waiting about and starting the divorce

OP posts:
Dery · 12/04/2021 17:05

@wow1111 - exactly - he wants you dangling. I suspect he’s enjoying his freedom. He doesn’t want you back because that would involve being committed to you again but he wants you on the back-burner just in case. And I have also learnt about the pain of trying to remain friends after a break-up that I didn’t want and that it doesn’t work for me.

So in your shoes, I would be inclined to say you can’t do walks and friendly chats for now because you find it too painful but you look forward to being able to do so at some point in the future when you are over him and the break-up with him.

Even if he responds to this by rushing back to you (which he probably won’t), keep him at arm’s length. If he does want to come back, he needs to work very hard otherwise how will you trust him not to do this again?

Sorry if I’ve missed it but are you both quite young (eg 20s/early 30s)?

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