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Original poster

Is this a red flag?

54 replies

FriedTomatoe · 11/04/2021 22:08

Been dating a really nice man for 3 months now. We have a lot in common and get on really well together. There's only one issue- he refuses to drive to see me. The reason is because 7 days a week he volunteers for meals on wheels and is "too tired" to make drive to see me (1 hrs 15 mins) afterwards. The first month of dating him, he kept on saying how he would make the effort.

In the past I've been really rubbish at spotting red flags in a relationship and just want to know if this would be one?

OP posts:
Original poster
FriedTomatoe · 11/04/2021 22:32

He just does it in the evenings.

OP posts:
lydia2021 · 11/04/2021 22:40

Well if you were important to him... wouldn't he drop some volunteer work so that he can spend time with you. I think you are a FWB to him

Justmuddlingalong · 11/04/2021 22:43

Do you find it odd and a bit "can't be arsed making an effort" OP? You've asked for opinions but seem to be smitten by his volunteering, being kind to others, but accepting that he isn't showing the same kindness and effort to you.

BlueDahlia69 · 11/04/2021 22:45

So.... He volunteers all these hours days/evenings for meals on wheels. Driving here there and everywhere and whilst it's all very admirable, he won't drive 75 minutes to see you?

It's a No from me OP.

Original poster
FriedTomatoe · 11/04/2021 22:49

Justmuddling I do find it a bit odd. But then I think I'm a bit messed up about relationships generally and I don't really trust my own judgement anymore.

OP posts:
BlueDahlia69 · 11/04/2021 22:49

Trust your judgement on this lady, you are not his priority.

Justmuddlingalong · 11/04/2021 23:09

You might have had bad relationship experiences in the past, but your alarm bells seem to be working just fine with this one. Obviously it's entirely up to you if you carry on seeing him, but I think you have to accept it's not looking good after just 3 months.

CrikeyPeg · 12/04/2021 04:21

@FriedTomatoe

He definitely doesn't tidy his house anymore. Usually, he's just getting home from work when I arrive.
@FriedTomatoe - I don't want to be reading any posts a bit further on about having tidied up when you got there ...
Sally2791 · 12/04/2021 04:27

Red flag. He wants a “relationship “ with zero effort or disruption to his life. Forget it.

joystir59 · 12/04/2021 04:33

He probably just wants a convenient (for him) regular shag. If he wanted a real relationship he'd make time and he would put effort into it OP.

Shoxfordian · 12/04/2021 06:23

He isn’t prioritising you over anything else
Red flag

updownroundandround · 12/04/2021 06:45

Yep, and it's a Red Flag from me too Grin

He is way too wrapped up in himself and his good works to bother with you I'm afraid.

At 3 mths you should both be prioritizing each other, and he's not willing to put any effort in now, is he ??

MiaRoma · 12/04/2021 06:52

Its selfish. His needs come first. Which is, of course, a red flag for the future. What would happen if you, also, refused to drive to him? Or you only drove every other date?

diddlediddle · 12/04/2021 07:02

He's just not that into you I'm afraid.

If he's not excited about you enough at the beginning of a relationship to make some effort then sure as hell he won't be down the line. Time to move on - your instincts are right. Trust yourself.

Anniegetyourgun · 12/04/2021 08:25

I wouldn't call volunteering for meals on wheels after a full day at work selfish, but it doesn't sound as if this guy has room in his life for a relationship on top of all his other (self-imposed) commitments. You're not unreasonable to want to date someone who's actually got time for you, rather than squeezing you in around everything else. I'd let this one go.

TimmyOnTheBrain · 12/04/2021 08:37

He posts pictures of his volunteering on fb? I can't abide virtue signallers like that, and anyway if he works full time and volunteers 7 days a week he doesn't have time for a relationship.

rainbowthoughts · 12/04/2021 08:52

I wouldn't call volunteering for meals on wheels after a full day at work selfish,

I don't think anyone has done this.

People are calling his approach to this relationship selfish, not his volunteer work.

He delivers meals on wheels then goes home and expects a delivery of sex on wheels. No effort whatsoever. Selfish.

HumunaHey · 12/04/2021 11:47

I love how so many have jumped to the conclusion that it's a case of him wanting his sex delivered. They've been only been dating for 3 months, he lives over 1hrs drive, their first couple of dates were outside and, since then, it has just been OP driving to see him (not sure how frequently). I can't imagine there's that much sex involved that that's what he is getting out of the relationship.

OP, I wouldn't necessarily dump him, but I would simply stop making the drive. if he doesn't begin to start to make the effort, well that would speak for itself and the relationship would come to a natural end.

I'm also interested to know what you mean by he "refuses"? If it's a case of him making bad excuses and you obliging, that's one thing. But if he really does refuse, that is definitely grounds for cutting him loose.

rainbowthoughts · 12/04/2021 11:58

II love how so many have jumped to the conclusion that it's a case of him wanting his sex delivered. They've been only been dating for 3 months, he lives over 1hrs drive, their first couple of dates were outside and, since then, it has just been OP driving to see him (not sure how frequently). I can't imagine there's that much sex involved that that's what he is getting out of the relationship.

Ok, I made an assumption there that they were having sex, what with them being adults. Maybe they are not, in which case my judgement here is wrong but only in terms of the sex bit, he still isn't putting any effort into this:

HumunaHey · 12/04/2021 12:20

@rainbowthoughts Not saying they're not having sex at all. I just think it can't be that often given the situation, timescale and that first couple of dates were outside (unless they were super randy and couldn't resist eachother!) I personally wouldn't see it, all things considered, as him just wanting sex on a plate. But who knows!

rainbowthoughts · 12/04/2021 12:29

[quote HumunaHey]@rainbowthoughts Not saying they're not having sex at all. I just think it can't be that often given the situation, timescale and that first couple of dates were outside (unless they were super randy and couldn't resist eachother!) I personally wouldn't see it, all things considered, as him just wanting sex on a plate. But who knows![/quote]

It doesn't matter how often it is. It is only when OP goes to him. That is what I meant by the 'sex on wheels' comment. There is no effort from him.

All the posters suggesting she gives him a chance, she has been doing that, for long enough now. People must have very low standards if they thing someone like this is worth their time.

StephenBelafonte · 12/04/2021 12:34

meals on wheels is a lunchtime thing. Not an evening thing.

Wanderlusto · 12/04/2021 12:42

Tbf someone that's an hour and fifteen minutes drive away is far too far away. It's something it wasn't wise to pursue in the first place.

There are two main types of people who volunteer. People who genuinely want to help others and people who want to be able to TELL people they help others.

rainbowthoughts · 12/04/2021 13:12

@StephenBelafonte

meals on wheels is a lunchtime thing. Not an evening thing.

Yes, because every organisation is exactly the same and it is outwith the realms of possibility that people could have meals delivered around tea time.

HollowTalk · 12/04/2021 14:02

Not with Meals on Wheels they couldn't, though.