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Original poster

Partner keeps watching videos of women in bikinis, now whilst I'm in same room.etc. Anyone else have this issue? Advice needed

26 replies

greensea · 11/04/2021 14:43

So my partner of 6+ years has had history of looking up videos of other women online.

From searching women we had seen together on obline fitness classes (I asked him to join me during my lockdown 1 fitness drive. He joined the last 10 minutes of my workout and when I tried to find the same video the next day but couldn't remember her name, he was on hand with it - after admitting to searching for her that evening "because he didn't recognise her")

He'd also looked up various women in bikinis (he's a Rachel Riley fan [confused) which has caused fall out with us. He'd looked up various "hot" women at a few points.

It started very early in our relationship and I've tried to forgive and think he was working on it.

The last time this came up, I said I was understand of him watching porn/looking stuff up if needed when masturbating but not to just randomly be looking up women throughout the day.

This week when I opened my laptop I had strange suggestions on YouTube. Swimwear catwalks with half naked bouncy women, hair flowing, toned goddesses... clearly not "how to strip varnish off a table" and the other sorts of things I look for on YouTube.
I then noticed my partner was logged in so looked at the YouTube history and saw that he was watching these videos several times throughout the day. At one point point when I was making tea to join him on the couch and watch a movie together. One was even viewed when I was in the room with him.

I told him what I had seen and I was upset about it.
He replied with saying he's deply sorry, and it's not a reflection on me.
He said he knows it's wrong and shameful, but he doesn't think he can control it as he is doing it again and he watches them in the same way he watches snowboarding or climbing videos - just as entertainment.

That is what upsets and almost sickens me most. As if women are just fodder, there for him to be be entertained by.

We are supposed to be trying for a baby just now and in the middle of buying a new house.
I have a son, from a previous partner who I raised on my own so I'm naturally not wanting to risk an unstable future.

The difficulty being, we actually have a good relationship without this ongoing issue. We do have issues, like I'm sure (hope) all other couples do but he is so giving and loving and attentive in almost every way.

He said he would go to counselling but I am already insecure from him keeping things from me.
Has anyone gone through this and kept their relationship? Am I clinging on to something that is not worth it?

I'm also very independent and not typically insecure so just want to make the right decision for my future here.

Any advice greatly received.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 11/04/2021 14:47

I'm sorry but he's always been like this and not only did you forgive it but you are buying a house with him and giving him a child.

This is not a deal breaker for you. He knows that. Why would he go to counselling about it? Belive it when you see it.

RLEOM · 11/04/2021 14:54

I left my partner for this reason. My ex had a porn addiction and would display the same behaviour - utterly obsessed with looking up women, especially if he was stressed, but it would be all the time: at work,on the toilet, whilst we're cuddled up watching a film (he'd see if the hot actress in the film was in any pornos), he'd use Facebook and Instagram to obsessively search for women he'd met or read about in the local paper - it was really unhealthy, abnormal behaviour. He wasn't a threat to women in any way, but he was a porn addict. He'd pay for porn, too - who does that these days??

Does your partner have erectile dysfunction? Struggles to keep it up?

Either way, he sounds like he has an unhealthy relationship with porn/women. He needs to seek help and to look at following an addiction program. As for you,how does it make you feel?

updownroundandround · 11/04/2021 16:03

@greensea

I've copied/pasted this as I've already answered in your other post Hmm

You're clinging to something that's clearly NOT worth it IMO.

He wasn't bored when you'd just nipped to make a cup of tea, he chose to use your absence to quickly look up other bloody women in a state of partial undress FFS !!

No-one is bored several times a day and can't think of a better use of their time ! And it's bloody insulting to you that he actually expects you to fucking accept that as a 'reason' FFS !!

Have you simply had to look up videos of men semi-dressed to fill any and ALL moments NOT filled with activity ???? hmm

He clearly has a very low regard for you and your feelings, hasn't he ?? hmm

Do you really want to have a baby, maybe a daughter, with a guy who clearly does not have any respect for any woman (and who has zero fucking respect for his partner ) hmm

nimbuscloud · 11/04/2021 16:05

He sickens you.
Don’t have a child with him.

Bluebird2021 · 11/04/2021 16:09

6 years is no amount of time....move on. seriously, this will just get worse for you as time goes on.

tiredmum2468 · 11/04/2021 16:13

6 years of a pervert
And you're considering a baby with this??

Have a word with yourself and leave him!

tiredmum2468 · 11/04/2021 16:14

And for gods sake
Pull out of he house sale too

Carryonlikeaporkchop · 11/04/2021 16:15

You have three identical threads running about this.
Why?

doodleygirl · 11/04/2021 16:15

Leave

HollowTalk · 11/04/2021 16:16

Oh no - you're thinking of marrying this man and having his baby? You are going to be tied to him for life. Raise your standards. You deserve much better than this gormless wanker.

peak2021 · 11/04/2021 16:32

End the relationship.

nancywhitehead · 11/04/2021 16:39

I'm interested why it bothers you so much?

That's not a judgement... I don't think there's a right or wrong at all really, as it's all about how different people react to porn/ looking up videos like this. In some relationships it's OK and in some it isn't.

Just curious. What is it that scares you about this behaviour? Do you think it will lead to cheating?

Original poster
greensea · 11/04/2021 18:05

Yes I guess I think it will lead to cheating. Also, it's suspicious as he proclaims to be a feminist (I know that's ridiculous) and he has keep behaviour/traits from me in the past which make me question who is.
It's like, he presents as he is a wholesome considered, charming individual yet has this other side to him.

OP posts:
Original poster
greensea · 11/04/2021 18:06

And I created so many posts as I've not logged on here in a while and tried to edit my lengthy ramble, but very unsuccessfully.

OP posts:
Carryonlikeaporkchop · 11/04/2021 18:39

@greensea

And I created so many posts as I've not logged on here in a while and tried to edit my lengthy ramble, but very unsuccessfully.
Easily done!

Maybe ask MNHQ to remove the duplicates (after taking on board the advice!)

Hawaiidreamer · 11/04/2021 18:39

The wholesome moral ones are always the ones who end up deviant on here. He sounds utterly horrible, no way I’d waste another moment with someone like that. He’s addicted to looking at other women, hardly bodes well for the future.

MadMadMadamMim · 11/04/2021 18:44

He said he knows it's wrong and shameful, but he doesn't think he can control it

I mean...this is just so deeply unattractive isn't it?

He comes across as slimy and creepy. I would not want to have sex with him again. He also, frankly, comes across as a little bit sad and pathetic.

And I'd strangely perhaps understand it more if he was actually looking up proper porn rather than bouncy fitness videos. That's pretty much like a 12 year old boy looking up the word tits in the dictionary.

Original poster
greensea · 11/04/2021 19:49

Thank you all for taking the time to reply!

@MadMadMadamMim your comment made me laugh but it's so true. I feel the same re porn, at least it has a 'function' (almost).

OP posts:
nimbuscloud · 11/04/2021 21:29

Wtf re you’d be ok with proper porn?

eatsleepread · 11/04/2021 22:16

This is disrespectful, OP Sad

EarthSight · 11/04/2021 22:33

He said he knows it's wrong and shameful, but he doesn't think he can control it

Yuck.

I mean, how old is he???? He doesn't seem to have registered that he is in a monogamous relationship. He's still constantly on the lookout for other women to the point of it being a fixation. I don't know how you can trust him to be monogamous when he's so busy salivating at other women all the time.

Original poster
greensea · 11/04/2021 22:36

Yes @nimbuscloud

OP posts:
rattlemehearties · 11/04/2021 22:37

Do not have a child with him.

And no, not everyone has issues with their partner.. Find someone better

Original poster
greensea · 11/04/2021 22:38

I know @eatsleepread, I feel utterly devastated.

OP posts:
Washingtofold · 12/04/2021 00:01

@nancywhitehead

I'm interested why it bothers you so much?

That's not a judgement... I don't think there's a right or wrong at all really, as it's all about how different people react to porn/ looking up videos like this. In some relationships it's OK and in some it isn't.

Just curious. What is it that scares you about this behaviour? Do you think it will lead to cheating?

It’s called respect

How the hell would it be a good thing bring up a daughter with a man who thinks females are on the planet as tits and ass entertainment for men ???
Are you a man or just a woman who has no idea about gender politics and the damage done by this shite ?