The hurt continues hurting, is this normal or do I need to get over it?

[GlendaNorth]

DH has done a few quite hurtful (not physically) things to me ; I don't really want to go into what they are but very very thoughtless and mean with a side of borderline bullying. I spoke to him about it at the time and he seemed remorseful etc. However, despite the most recent major (to me) thing happening three weeks ago, last night I cried myself to sleep thinking about it. He really hurt me, and I was hoping I was over it by now, but apparently not.
I just want to know if this is normal? Am I being oversensitive? How do I move on?

Can't possibly know without some context.

Are you still in the relationship? Things link this hurt do much because it's not just the act you are sad about, but each time it happens you also grieve for the relationship you want but don't have.

You don't give any details, but I'd also advise you to think about whether you want to leave

Really hard to know without examples.

But I will say this has never in any relationship happened to me

Of course it's not oversensitive to be completely hurt by someone who is supposed to love you and be on your side bullying you and being thoughtless and mean.

Why are you supposed to just STFU and get over it?

It's not hard to treat someone you love nicely.

I think if you’re not willing to give any context it’s hard for people to comment really op if you’re over sensitive or not.

You’ll get better advice if you explain what he’s doing.

It’s not normal to be frequently hurt by the person who’s meant to love you but beyond that it’s hard to know what’s going on.

Also, if someone says they're sorry yet keeps doing the same things, they're not sorry at all.

It does depend somewhat on what has happened however you feel what you feel. If he is habitually hurting you then I imagine it's a very lonely place to be.

Is there anyone in real life that you could confide in? Or a counsellor?

Is it flatulence ?

I get it op
Oh has done / said things in the past even years ago and i let them go at the time. Now however i am realising jurrasic how horrible/ bad it was and it hurts more now
If i bring it up he says why are you bringing the past up?
But these are all reasons I should have left years ago and im not sure its ok to leave now

Ok, fair enough context is important. So the things are these : he doesn't get me a present for Christmas or birthday (not always but sometimes, so it's actually more annoying in a way because I could just sort myself out if I knew?!). I've spoken to him about this. He has promised to change, but not changed. He knows these occasions are important to me and he knows how upsetting the most recent time was.
He says jokey things in company about my job, it's poor pay etc. Again, this is by no means all the time, it's just that he said it one time in front of a large group of people and one if them looked at me in such a significant way it always stayed with me (plus as a neighbour I see this person a lot and it always reminds me of that time).
He continually does this weird gaslight thing where he claims I've said something, he's LITERALLY just done it now, when I haven't. Again these are quite small things, but I didn't say what he thought I did?! He'll restack the dishwasher when I've done it, that kind of thing.
Years ago, more than a decade, he told me he'd have left me for a colleague he fancied. Weirdly it didn't seem like a huge issue at the time and we worked through it (the colleague wouldn't have had him anyway, to be honest I think she just enjoyed being liked by men), but now and then I do think about that. He told me when I was bathing our two tiny children. I sort of see it happening from above now.

He sounds horrible.

What a bastard.

You know how awful your relationship is. What’s stopping you from leaving?

I don’t think you realise how awful he sounds, probably because I expect he’s been gaslighting you for years. You aren’t being over sensitive.

I feel exactly the same. All these things that have been said in the past just float round my head tormenting me.

The only thing that's wrong with you is that you have been very slow to realise you married a complete bastard.

He is not a good man, or nice or any of those things. He is a purposefully mean arsehole who gets off on pissing on your self-esteem.

Blimey.
That comment about leaving you for a colleague is enough to be honest. He really doesn’t even like you. Why are you still with him?

I've never been with anyone else and had a tricky childhood so it's difficult for me to tell what's a usual reaction or not. Perhaps I'm not easy to live with either? Maybe I have said or done hurtful things to him? I genuinely don't know.
He is a fairly good father, although not hugely present emotionally. He loves the kids and there's the financial side of things too (my job wouldn't be able to sustain a separate lone household I don't think).

I would actively look at ways to begin increasing your earning power and give yourself the freedom to leave if necessary.

He is a fairly good father, although not hugely present emotionally. He loves the kids

Do you not see a bit of a contradiction there? He's not emotionally present, but he loves them? So he loves them in the abstract, the idea of them really, not as people in front of him to interact with.

I think your relationship bar is pretty low tbh. I think that you felt seen by that person you remember looking at you significantly when he was belittling you.

Maybe it would be worth checking out what your options are financially and practically? There's a calculator here for top-ups to low income www.entitledto.co.uk/ and one for child support here www.gov.uk/calculate-child-maintenance

You would have a claim on any assets of the marriage (house,savings,pensions etc).

It really sounds like you would benefit from therapy to figure out what is right for you in the future. There seems to be a lot to unravel there. Your DH’s behaviour does not sound good at all but he is a grown up and he needs to figure that out for himself, you cannot change him only yourself.

That sounds bad. XH used to do this sort of thing. As I said to him at the time, "That's another nail in the coffin". When there were enough nails in the coffin, I left him. I didn't think we would manage too well, but tbh with working tax credit, I wasn't too much worse off. And more importantly, I was much happier.

Is there a way of moving on or through the hurt then? I can't really leave.

@GlendaNorth The only way to move on is to change how you feel when he upsets you.
You cant change him so you have to change your reaction.

And as for presents for xmas and birthday, stop buying for him too and he'll soon get the message.

Say something when he does this. Don't just let him get away scott free. Ask him in advance if he's got you a Christmas or birthday present. Buy yourself something anyway, just in case. You obviously have to fight your corner with this one.