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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Cheating one

30 replies

Lostmyselfalongtheway · 10/04/2021 22:15

Would you forgive someone cheating once (full sex via síte meet), and numerous other reach outs to people on insta and fabswingers. Basically periodically through out the relationship. At times more and less and nó real pattern as such.
Would there or could there be a future.
Líne or position given is that it was a sex addiction of sorts and it will be actively managed going forward.
Didnt tell of their own voiltion but got caught and then only when pressed.

I cant separate the logic and the emotion. Or maybe i can and I dont want to.

Is this something can bé got over. And I know nó one else can answer really but me but I would honestly appreciate all and any opinions.

Thank you all in advance.

OP posts:

MrsKeats · 10/04/2021 22:26

No I wouldn't.
Divorced my first husband over an affair.

fearfulexchange · 10/04/2021 22:38

No.

DeathToCovid · 10/04/2021 22:39

Definitely not, no. He will continue to do it over and over and over.

Happycow · 10/04/2021 22:40

I did - i applied the 'everyone should be allowed one mistake' logic. Stayed together another 11 years and had 2 kids.

Then it happened again. We have now split up and (only now) do i see that a part of me was waiting for it to happen for most of thse 11 yrs.

FancySomeChips · 10/04/2021 22:41

No. The pattern is: he lies, he cheats, he puts your health at risk, he lies again. And repeat.
You are worth more than that.

Notapheasantplucker · 10/04/2021 22:42

Don't let him use 'sex addiction' to try and manipulate you. If he's done it throughout the whole relationship, it's 100% likely that he will carry on in the future.

Original poster

Lostmyselfalongtheway · 10/04/2021 22:50

@Happycow

I did - i applied the 'everyone should be allowed one mistake' logic. Stayed together another 11 years and had 2 kids.

Then it happened again. We have now split up and (only now) do i see that a part of me was waiting for it to happen for most of thse 11 yrs.

Can I ask @happycow how did u try to forgive. When it happened again how did you find out

OP posts:

Original poster

Lostmyselfalongtheway · 10/04/2021 22:53

I know. I dont know if im just blindly clutching in the hope that people make mistakes etc
I just feel so unebeliebaly hurt. And unfair and all those horrible emotions.

OP posts:

Closetbeanmuncher · 10/04/2021 23:23

I dont know if im just blindly clutching in the hope that people make mistakes

Unfortunately I think you are. If he thought it was a mistake he would have stopped of his own accord and come clean without being caught out and pushed.

Your self esteem will be ground to dust, and all these unpleasant emotions you feel will have to be relived when the inevitable happens.

Don't waste your precious life and self worth on a dog who can't keep his bits to himself. He has serial cheat written allover him, trust me.

Notreallysure25 · 10/04/2021 23:32

@Happycow yep my logic too. 28 yrs together, since we were 17, now mid 40s, never ever thought he was 'that' man. Take a mid life crisis, slightly stale (but not loveless) marriage, a blonde thing 15 yrs younger, an ego boost for him, and what have you got? Lying and cheating on me for months, only stopping when he was caught. Have given him a chance, but I'm not dealing well with it and not even sure if we can survive this. I'm paranoid and often wonder if hes stayed because I'm the easy option, plus the lifestyle with me is much better! Not sure if we'll survive this. All I know is I don't want to spend the rest of my life feeling like this, hoping it will get better but who knows. He's trying but now I know he's capable of cheating and lying who knows if he'll do it again.....

Bellyups · 10/04/2021 23:36

Hell no. He’ll do it again at first opportunity

TheWaif · 10/04/2021 23:38

Mine was sleeping with prostitutes for years. I felt exactly how you did to start, but the reality kicked in and I realised I couldn't live with it.

RachelRavenRoth · 10/04/2021 23:40

Its wasnt an accident. He was desperately trying to have meaningless sex with other people than you. Meaningless sex above his marriage and family.

BRB2021 · 10/04/2021 23:43

What would you gain by forgiving?

Anordinarymum · 10/04/2021 23:50

Sorry OP but if you are looking for an excuse for his behaviour there isn't one.
He cheated on you the moment he went looking for sex and he will do it again. It does not matter what he says, how he excuses his behaviour and promises never to do it again - he will.

renniem · 11/04/2021 00:11

This sounds just like my ex...

I think I could forgive someone who cheats once. But this is not once! Cheating is not just about sex but primarily about respect and emotional connection. Seeking sex online shows absolute lack of respect in your relationship.

There are two types of people and this is not the type you want to be with!

Aquamarine1029 · 11/04/2021 00:14

I dont know if im just blindly clutching in the hope that people make mistakes etc

Fucking another woman was not a mistake. It was a deliberate, thought out choice that he went out of his way to make happen.

FFS don't be foolish enough to stay with this pathetic liar.

Purplecatshopaholic · 11/04/2021 00:16

Nope! He cheated so I divorced him. It’s not even so much the cheating as the lying, disrespect, breach of trust, etc.

DiscordandRhyme · 11/04/2021 00:17

No.

Maybe if it had been a OZnS that happened quickly at the start of the relationship but there's way too much premeditation in meeting online/messaging others it's not like seeing someone attractive and getting carried away or whatever.

DancesWithCatsnDogs · 11/04/2021 00:19

Sex addiction - so what happens now, you pander to his every need in fear he will go elsewhere? Hell no. Do yourself a massive favour and dump his sorry ass(or arse).

Famousinlove · 11/04/2021 00:20

The sooner you leave, the sooner you can move on and get over it

DianaT1969 · 11/04/2021 00:26

I think you have to ask why you'd want to forgive? Don't you think you can find a faithful man who respects you? Can't you face being alone? Do you want to stay because it's easier financially? Whatever your reason is, he knows it. That's why he won't care about changing. He doesn't need to. You knew it all and stayed anyway.

spicysechuan · 11/04/2021 00:33

They are showing you who they truly are. They are actively looking for sexual connections with others.

Believe them. And believe that if this is not something you want, then you are worth more.

BlatheringOn · 11/04/2021 00:36

Sex addict! Selfish scumbag desperately trying to cover his tracks more like. It is highly likely that he hasn't told you the full story either. You don't deserve this heart-wrenching betrayal and he doesn't deserve you.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 11/04/2021 00:39

No. I'd also be worried they gave me an STI.

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