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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

How the fuck do I explain myself to this guy? So tired of being a complete oddity

59 replies

ChopsticksWithToys · 10/04/2021 20:47

I'm 29 and I've never kissed anyone. As a teenager I was overweight, had acne and hair I didn't know what to do. I was horribly bullied. They used to pretend to put their arms around me and then shriek and pretend they were infected.

It's taken me a long time to lose weight, sort my skin, work out who I am and dating has never happened along the way :( I have had some therapy too but the therapist eventually said that I just had to give dating a go.

I was on a walk with a guy I've been seeing today. He put his arm around me and I physically recoiled. I couldn't help it. He looked really, really hurt and we ended up going up going home quite soon after.

Do I just call it quits? How do I even begin to apologise for this? I'm just so tired and upset. I hate being such a freak.

OP posts:
Blahblahblah40 · 10/04/2021 20:50

Be honest. Phone him and him all about it. If he chooses to walk away then it’s his loss.

Original poster
ChopsticksWithToys · 10/04/2021 20:55

All of it? How much is too much information? I only matched with him a few weeks ago.

OP posts:
HotPenguin · 10/04/2021 20:56

Do you like him? If so I'd maybe send him a message saying sorry you reacted weirdly and asking to talk about it. I don't think you need to tell him everything about your past but you could tell him whatever you are comfortable with, e.g. you've been bullied by men in the past and you're overly cautious, or whatever you are comfortable saying. If he's a goodun he'll listen and he'll appreciate your openness.

Actually a previous boyfriend told me something a bit similar on our first or second date and it made us closer and I was impressed by his openness and self awareness. Definitely don't give up!

Original poster
ChopsticksWithToys · 10/04/2021 20:58

I do like him, he seems lovely. I'm so disappointed in myself.

OP posts:
Allmyfavouritepeople · 10/04/2021 20:59

At this early stage I would say a half truth. Something about how you're not used to physical contact due to social distancing and it took you by surprise but would love to go out with him again.

Craftycorvid · 10/04/2021 20:59

If he is a decent guy, he will understand your difficulties. I’m sorry you’ve been through such wounding experiences in the past; you were always acceptable but the behaviour of your peers was not.

I would consider looking for a therapist with a specialism in trauma to help you work through the physical reactions and the emotional ones.

Pogmaasal · 10/04/2021 21:00

Id be honest but maybe not give the full story just now, just enough to explain your reaction. Tell him you'll need to take it slowly. If he isnt ok with that then he really isnt right for you or worth your time.

You are not a freak

Blahblahblah40 · 10/04/2021 21:00

As much as you are comfortable telling him, but you need to explain why you reacted the way you did if you do really like him. If he’s a good egg then he will take it in and maybe take things slowly. I think most people appreciate honesty, and if you have an issue with physical intimacy then it’s better to be upfront and say than be 6 months deep. If he sticks around and goes at your pace then you’re onto a winner! :-)

Original poster
ChopsticksWithToys · 10/04/2021 21:00

Oh that sounds good, @Allmyfavouritepeople, thank you.

OP posts:
Sanchez79 · 10/04/2021 21:00

It's a good chance to test his values OP. All I would tell him his that your response today wasn't a reflection of your attraction/ feelings towards him but that you have spent a lot of your 20s overcoming a difficult adolescence and as a result aren't as confident with relationships and physical intimacy as you would like.

You don't need to make any promises that it will be different next time, or pander to his bruised ego, just put it out there and see how he responds.

Best of luck!

Craftycorvid · 10/04/2021 21:01

And yes, all this chap needs to know is it was a bit sudden and you’ve had some problems in the past. If he’s thoughtful and sensitive, he’ll get it. 🌺

BaggoMcoys · 10/04/2021 21:02

This might sound very weird but due to childhood abuse I had like a phobia of certain sexual things and kissing in particular. I was in a relationship for over 10 years and we never properly kissed - nothing more than a quick peck. I did conceive a child so wasn't celibate.

The relationship was never great, for many reasons, and after we broke up I started seeing someone else - an old friend. I was comfortable enough with him to talk about never having kissed anyone and about my lack of experience and the reasons why. He was so supportive and understanding and never pressured me at all. I was nervous beforehand as I felt like a freak, but now I'm really happy I found someone I trusted enough to share that part of myself with. I was 32 when this happened, and both me and my now dp are glad that kissing is something special for us and I think he likes the fact I felt comfortable and safe enough with him to talk about it.

If you feel you have a good connection with this man, then try opening up to him and being honest. Nobody worthwhile will think any less of you for this. If he does not react in the way that you'd hope, then though it may hurt in the short term, in the long term it's better that you know.

RachelRavenRoth · 10/04/2021 21:02

@Allmyfavouritepeople

At this early stage I would say a half truth. Something about how you're not used to physical contact due to social distancing and it took you by surprise but would love to go out with him again.
This. You barely know him yet. Dont over share.
Wakingup55643 · 10/04/2021 21:04

Aw, OP, I would be honest with him. If he's ok with it, you've got a goodun. If he isn't ok, you're better off without him. From what you've said he sounds nice so I'd just be up front and say you would love to see him again and that you were very nervous. I think he'll think it's sweet. I do! And, don't forget, he obviously wanted to kiss you. Go for it! X

Ohpulltheotherone · 10/04/2021 21:04

OP you’re not a freak or a weirdo or any of that.
There are more people than you’d think in your situation or similar situations.

Regards to the guy today why don’t you send a msg and say youre sorry for the awkwardness but it’s been a while since you’ve dated and you felt a bit nervous but you had a really nice time and would love to see him again.

You definitely don’t have to tell men your past if you don’t want to, especially not on a first or second date!

You’ll no doubt be nervous but is there anything you can do to loosen up and feel a bit more relaxed? How about meeting for a drink when the outdoor pubs open? A glass of wine will certainly take the edge off!

Remember that people are all different and we all move at different speeds, no ones path is the same. There is no shame in moving slower than others and no shame in your situation at all.
But that doesn’t mean you have to live and die by your story! Who would you be if you let that story go? Who are you without all that baggage? Try and find that woman and let her embrace the opportunities! Good luck!

Cuntryhouse · 10/04/2021 21:06

I'd just tell him you're shy. Any more and you're giving him all the power and you become vulnerable.

Kissing wise, just do it. Everyone kisses differently.

GreenClock · 10/04/2021 21:06

I’d contact him and tell him a potted version of your story. Good luck OP. And yes yes yes to trauma therapy.

Original poster
ChopsticksWithToys · 10/04/2021 21:07

I’m crying again, you’re all so good with words.

I’m just so awkward and ashamed of myself.

OP posts:
Original poster
ChopsticksWithToys · 10/04/2021 21:09

Thank you especially @BaggoMcoys, I am so happy you found your DH too.

OP posts:
Alternista · 10/04/2021 21:10

No, don’t blame the pandemic. Otherwise you’ll just have to come clean again in the future.

What about something like:

“I’m really sorry for how I reacted when you put your arm round me today. It wasn’t you- I’ve not always been treated very well in the past and in the moment I freaked a bit. I had a lovely time today- let’s do it again soon x”

Original poster
ChopsticksWithToys · 10/04/2021 21:11

I’m worried about saying that I haven’t been treated well in the past because it sounds like I’ve suffered terrible domestic violence and I haven’t.

OP posts:
Motnight · 10/04/2021 21:16

Please don't be ashamed of yourself, Op. You have nothing to be ashamed of.

NoGoodPunsLeft · 10/04/2021 21:16

Most people can understand how horrid bullying can be & how it can affect someone for a long time, like PP have said if he's a decent bloke he'll be understanding Thanks

LadyLolaRuben · 10/04/2021 21:21

@Allmyfavouritepeople

At this early stage I would say a half truth. Something about how you're not used to physical contact due to social distancing and it took you by surprise but would love to go out with him again.
This is a great suggestion
MammaMiaWallace · 10/04/2021 21:24

Aw op just want to say to be kind to yourself; you’ve clearly been through a tough time and come out the other side - you just need your confidence to catch up. Never be disappointed in yourself!

I agree with others about being honest but maybe not too detailed; you could say you just like him but not very experienced and if he’s the right then he’ll be understanding and if he’s not then onward and upward Flowers