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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

How the fuck do I explain myself to this guy? So tired of being a complete oddity

59 replies

ChopsticksWithToys · 10/04/2021 20:47

I'm 29 and I've never kissed anyone. As a teenager I was overweight, had acne and hair I didn't know what to do. I was horribly bullied. They used to pretend to put their arms around me and then shriek and pretend they were infected.

It's taken me a long time to lose weight, sort my skin, work out who I am and dating has never happened along the way :( I have had some therapy too but the therapist eventually said that I just had to give dating a go.

I was on a walk with a guy I've been seeing today. He put his arm around me and I physically recoiled. I couldn't help it. He looked really, really hurt and we ended up going up going home quite soon after.

Do I just call it quits? How do I even begin to apologise for this? I'm just so tired and upset. I hate being such a freak.

OP posts:

glassbrightly · 10/04/2021 21:27

Oh bless you OP. @Allmyfavouritepeople has it right. Hold on to the fact that you have come a hugely long way and that those bullies, who had to get their kicks out of being mean, are the dysfunctional ones here. You've got this!

Opaljewel · 10/04/2021 21:29

I think honesty is the best policy. Always best to start with the truth. If he's decent, he will stick around. Good luck.

ikeepseeingit · 10/04/2021 21:30

@ChopsticksWithToys

I’m worried about saying that I haven’t been treated well in the past because it sounds like I’ve suffered terrible domestic violence and I haven’t.

Tell him: 'I'm sorry I reacted to you putting your arm around me like that. ( I've been bullied in the past by people doing similar things to make fun of me.) I was just a bit nervous, it wasn't you at all. I had a lovely time today, shall we go out again sometime soon?'

The brackets are the bit you could leave out if you don't want to give him that info. How does that sound OP? I wouldn't blame COVID tbh, if you want to see him you'll have to explain it at some point. If he's nice enough he will understand. You've nothing to be ashamed of though :)

Original poster

ChopsticksWithToys · 10/04/2021 21:30

that those bullies, who had to get their kicks out of being mean, are the dysfunctional ones here.

The real kick in the teeth is that they're mostly all married with families of their own. I know that doesn't mean they're all happy, and I hope they don't treat their spouses and children the way I was treated, but today just brought back all those feelings of worthlessness tbh. What sort of nearly 30 year old can't cope with half a hug?!

OP posts:

Sanchez79 · 10/04/2021 21:36

What sort of nearly 30 year old can't cope with half a hug?!

Way more than you'd imagine.. And I bet you wouldn't tell a single one of them that they are worthless. Treat yourself with the same compassion.

ThebirdsAndBeesWhereThere · 10/04/2021 21:40

Chopsticks, we are all different and many have their own 'quirks or issues'. I have 2 hidden disabilities (one could leave me completely disabled) and when dating I agonised over when to tell people.

I eventually went with telling them on the first date. Yes, some walked away but the most amazing man stayed.

Garby · 10/04/2021 21:48

@Allmyfavouritepeople

At this early stage I would say a half truth. Something about how you're not used to physical contact due to social distancing and it took you by surprise but would love to go out with him again.

Agree that this is a great approach.

If all goes well and you choose to share more with him as time goes on that’s up to you but this is all you need to say for now IMO

Wanderlusto · 10/04/2021 21:49

@Allmyfavouritepeople

At this early stage I would say a half truth. Something about how you're not used to physical contact due to social distancing and it took you by surprise but would love to go out with him again.

Agree with this.

Just tell him he took you by surprise and you are not used yo guys putting their arm round you.

That being said...it was arguably a bit forward of him to do that completely out of the blue anyway. Especially with covid on the go.

He may not be the one for you.

But either way, dating is daunting for everyone. But dobt let it put you off. Practice makes perfect.

3CCC · 10/04/2021 21:51

@Allmyfavouritepeople

At this early stage I would say a half truth. Something about how you're not used to physical contact due to social distancing and it took you by surprise but would love to go out with him again.

This

3CCC · 10/04/2021 21:56

Sorry posted too soon

If it becomes more serious open up to him more.

Good luck x

BurbageBrook · 10/04/2021 21:56

I agree tell a half truth, something like that physical contact can be hard for you at first, but you were just taken by surprise and you really liked him and would love to see him again if he’s up for it. Just very ‘it’s not you it’s me’ and I’m sure he’ll be up for it since he must have liked you to put his arm around you in the first place.
Sorry for the tough time you’ve had

JustAnotherOldMan · 10/04/2021 21:58

Allmyfavouritepeople
At this early stage I would say a half truth. Something about how you're not used to physical contact due to social distancing and it took you by surprise but would love to go out with him again.

Say this

2bazookas · 10/04/2021 22:00

@ChopsticksWithToys

All of it? How much is too much information? I only matched with him a few weeks ago.

No, all you need say is " I'm not very used to physical contact and wasn't expecting your hug so it took me by surprise and made me jump."

  If he  accepts that you can suggest meeting again .

If you get another date (with him or anyone else) I suggest that before you meet, you just mention that you're not used to casual physical contact and would prefer to take things slowly. You'll find plenty of men quite happy to accept that.

DoingItMyself · 10/04/2021 22:00

Say what @Allmyfavouritepeople says.
Good luck. Don't say too much. Stay calm, you'll get there.

DeRigueurMortis · 10/04/2021 22:12

@DoingItMyself

Say what *@Allmyfavouritepeople* says. Good luck. Don't say too much. Stay calm, you'll get there.

This.

It's early days and anything else might prompt questions you're not yet ready to answer.

It's a perfectly reasonable response and tbh in the future if you're ready you can say that whilst the pandemic was a factor that dating is new to you and share whatever you feel comfortable with.

If he's "the right one" you'll quite naturally find a point in time where you feel comfortable telling him your history.

DianaT1969 · 10/04/2021 22:13

I wouldn't tell him everything. You don't want him treading on eggshells forever afraid of triggering something. Say sorry you reacted strangely. Social distancing and not having any relationships recently made you jump. You really like him and hope to see him again.
It's never good to tell a man you were bullied or lacked self-esteem. Not at the beginning.

Brindisi32 · 10/04/2021 22:19

Agree with what @Allmyfavouritepeople says. It's too soon to give a person lots of sensitive info about yourself.

MMMarmite · 11/04/2021 00:39

@ChopsticksWithToys

that those bullies, who had to get their kicks out of being mean, are the dysfunctional ones here.

There are lots of people who struggle with being touched, or with sex, or food, or shouting, or driving, or taking about their feelings.... Lots of people have struggles with common activities, none of them are worthless, and many find deep and lasting love.

MMMarmite · 11/04/2021 00:43

Personally I would go with a short and concise version of the truth, rather than a half-truth, as I'd rather not have to re-explain and change it later. Plus it would ring true to him whereas an excuse might not.

But I take the point that this could make you vulnerable to abusive types. So the best approach would depend on how confident you are about identifying and ditching anyone who's manipulative or got red flags.

Saltyslug · 11/04/2021 00:49

I’d probably make light of it and say something like ‘sorry I looked so surprised earlier today, I’ve been very good at covid spacing this last year! Boris would be proud. Fancy meeting up again this Friday?

StarlightLady · 11/04/2021 07:31

Another one agreeing 100% with @Allmyfavouritepeople - this explains the position. ‘Hope things go well for you.

Cowbells · 11/04/2021 08:14

@Allmyfavouritepeople

At this early stage I would say a half truth. Something about how you're not used to physical contact due to social distancing and it took you by surprise but would love to go out with him again.

This is a good idea. Tell him you like him but after so long doing SD, it was a reflex action.

Cowbells · 11/04/2021 08:19

This might sound mad, but I'd try hypnotherapy or EMDR to reset your reaction to having an arm around you. The bullies turned something that should feel lovely into something threatening and one of these therapies could undo that reaction. EMDR has a very high success rate treating PTSD in soldiers, so it might be worth looking into.

MiaRoma · 11/04/2021 08:19

@Allmyfavouritepeople

At this early stage I would say a half truth. Something about how you're not used to physical contact due to social distancing and it took you by surprise but would love to go out with him again.

This ^ Oversharing too early is weird

GoWalkabout · 11/04/2021 08:26

Also, treat dating like practice, don't worry about keeping them, just think of the aim as getting used to a hand hold, a hug, and getting comfortable with people. If they like you and you like them that's a bonus but at the moment first dates is the name of the game and you can't mess it up because you are just practising.

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