Please help - am I a horrible person?

[Needahandtoholdplease1]

NC for this as I don’t want my DH to see it.

I don’t know what to do and I need some help, please. We have a lovely 10 Month old DD, a nice house and don’t have to struggle for the bills. This is what we always wanted so, why isn’t it enough? A little back story -

Me and DH have had issues with his family before. It always feels like he chooses them. He will always stick up for them and defend them no matter what, even when they were nasty. They aren’t nasty people as such but they have said some pretty cruel things.
This is the main cause for the arguments. His family have really affected our relationship.

The main things that bother me is that he will say ‘I don’t know’ when I ask him why he or his family does things that upset me. He can’t give me a reason for anything and if I bring it up then I’m just bringing up the past and need to get over it. How can I? I don’t have a reason for any of it.

Last weekend, they came over when I didn’t want them too as they have been mixing with people. I said fine to the garden of course but then suddenly it’s too windy and they are here now so, they are coming in. I said no. I come downstairs from the bathroom and they are inside, walking about the house and touching DD. I was annoyed. I ask DH why he let them in and didn’t say anything about touching DD (they stopped when I came in), he just said ‘I don’t know’. I got more annoyed and then he started to rile me up more saying ‘come on then, get it all out’ and then said ‘they are my family and you can’t stop me letting them in’. I was so angry I told him to get lost. He then goes and cries so loudly in the other room. It didn’t make sense, he riles me up and then cries like I’m the horrible bitch. It usually always makes me feel bad but now, it made me nothing but angry. I stormed up to him to grab his arm (I think, I was in a blind rage) and he got up and started screaming my name over and over. This made it even worse as I know the neighbours heard this all too as he went to scream and cry next to the extension is is such a thin wall I hear my neighbour cough. I hate them hearing everything and he had to pick that spot to cry in!! He works away and I’m stuck in this house feeling humiliated. My neighbour came to the door the next day to thank us for taking a parcel but I know she was being nosey. She probably thinks I was beating him up with the way he was screaming.

It is really making me resent him! I can’t say a thing to him about it or I’m just bringing up the past or he doesn’t know why he did that. It drive me mad but then he cries if we fight and then I feel bad and forget about it till the next fight. We went almost the whole of last year without many fights and were in the house 24/7 together but this was when I didn’t see his family. Now we thought at Christmas and then now.

What do I do? He makes me feel so small, like I mean nothing but then he cries that he loves me and that I’m everything but his actions say the opposite.

I feel ugly. I don’t have any friends or family in my city and the only people I see are DD, him or his family.

I’m now working 10-12hour days at home (it was 6am - 10pm yesterday) and looking after DD on my own as he’s away working and I have no one. We tried so hard to get here and I thought I would be so happy but I’m not completely. He makes me want to just do something stupid like cheat on him as I know that’s the only way he would say it’s over and I can stop this agony.

The other part is that I love him dearly. I’m very closed off and have been suicidal in the past. I never thought I’d be this happy (as I am a lot of the time) with someone or love them this much. It’s tearing me in half.

I just feel so lonely and ashamed after we fight. I hate when DD sees it too. We usually keep it away from her but it’s hard when emotional are high. Am I a horrible person? I feel it. Maybe that’s why I feel so unloved as I know no one could ever really love me. So I’ll doubt everything. I just wish he would prove that he does just once by sticking up for me and showing how important I am, not just saying it.

The stress has almost made me have a nervous breakdown before. I once shoved DH whilst DD was in his arms. He kept trying to hug me whilst I was panting away trying to catch my breath in a panic attach so shoved him off in a blind panic/rage and felt horrible after it. I still do. It wasn’t hard, he didn’t really move. Only a few steps but still.

I don’t expect anyone to reply, just nice getting it out. If you have read this far then thank you.

@Needahandtoholdplease1

I am so sorry you are having a hard time.
I think k communication is the key. I think you need to talk to him about the family event and understand. To me the point is you together agreed something which is with in the law. He then changed that with out Checking for with you and you were in and it is against the law.

Surely he should have checked with you?
Does he have an issue standing up to his family?

You both sound like highly strung emotional people and I'm not saying that to be nasty - as I'm like that too. You are going to clash and you need to learn ways not to react to him and obviously, he does too.
The thing with family is awkward. He can't stand upto them and feels helpless, hence the anger then the tears. If you'd 100% been shielding all this time and literally not going anywhere, then I could understand. You don't mention your family but I wonder what would have happened if it was your family that came indoors? What would you have done, ordered them out?
You need to sit down when you're both calm and have a chat about it. If there's always been tension between you and his family, they must have dropped hints to your DP as to why. Maybe he's not saying he knows to protect your feelings and prevent you blowing up.

Fucking hell, get away from this man. Your relationship is a toxic wasteland and a horrible environment to raise a child in.

Re your comment:-
"Me and DH have had issues with his family before. It always feels like he chooses them. He will always stick up for them and defend them no matter what, even when they were nasty. They aren’t nasty people as such but they have said some pretty cruel things".

Why did you write they are not nasty people?. Not all relatives are nice and kind and some of them remain actively abusive. How do they talk to their son and you?. What is your definition of a nasty person if that is the case?. Nasty people do say pretty cruel things after all to their chosen targets.

Its seems too he has no real boundaries when it comes to these people either mainly because they have encouraged him not to have any. People from such dysfunctional families end up playing roles; what are his roles here to them?. It sounds like they say jump and he says how high?.

Look at the effects these people have had and continue to have on both you and your DH properly. Has he ever talked to you about his childhood and or what it was like for him growing up with his parents and siblings?. I think not and he has likely internalised it all. He needs therapy like yesterday frankly and you could do with seeing a therapist as well. These types of issues poison marriages and can ultimately break them.

He goes into child mode in their presence and cannot stand up for himself at all, let alone you as his wife hence the anger at you followed by tears (becoming childlike and fearful). He is completely torn between them and you (divided loyalties) and he is also mired in fear, obligation and guilt. He is far more afraid of them than he ever would be of you as his wife.

Re your comment:-
"Am I a horrible person? I feel it. Maybe that’s why I feel so unloved as I know no one could ever really love me. So I’ll doubt everything. I just wish he would prove that he does just once by sticking up for me and showing how important I am, not just saying it".

You are not a horrible person but you and he are both profoundly affected by his family in different ways. As mentioned before, his own FOG is actively preventing him from sticking up for you and he cannot even defend his own self in his home. His own inertia when it comes to his family also hurts him deeply as well as you.

Why are you so closed off, what happened to you as a person to make you feel like that?.

Re his family I would also suggest you read "Toxic Inlaws" by Susan Forward.

I also think you both sound like very overly emotional dramatic people. Him crying loudly, shouting your name, you storming about, in a blind rage,grabbing and panting. It’s all very toxic and unhealthy. And quite frankly a bit odd.

I think it would be better if you were split and either single or with someone who was not overly emotional and dramatic becayse the two of you seem to feed off each other in your escalating dramas.

If this was the other way round people would say you’re domestically abusive to him. It should never get physical. You’ve done a good job and framing yourself as the victim.

You’ve admit you’ve “shoved” him, that you tried to grab his arms in rage, your angry that he’s cried and you’ve blamed him for winding you up, all of that is abusive behaviour yet your painting yourself as the victim.
The family issue is separate and you are using it as an excuse to be abusive to your husband.
This is a toxic and abusive household which is very damaging to your child, it will either take a lot of work and individual therapy to improve but if I were your husband I would leave you.

You have been physically violent to him but are making out you are the victim. If this was the other way round there would be cries of domestic violence and to leave him. You are not really taking responsibility for your actions and you appear to over react very easily. Whoever is to blame this sounds like a dramatic and toxic relationship to be in.

If you can you’d both benefit from counselling as there is a lot going on,

You have a young child so tiredness, covid etc etc won’t be helping but getting proper support will be so valuable for you both whether you split or stay together

You shoved your husband while he was holding your daughter ? That's awful, really awful.

Your poor neighbours!

I'm sorry, I think you are being physically abusive to your husband and damaging your child with your outbursts. I can understand being upset because of the family coming indoors, but you also overreacted massively, and it wasn't about them entering the house, it was to do with your animosity towards them. You are exhibiting classic abuser behaviour with physical assaults on him when he is holding his child, minimising his distress, trying to alienate him from his family and then painting yourself as the victim.

He needs to get away from you and take your DD for everyones safety.

I got more annoyed and then he started to rile me up more saying ‘come on then, get it all out’ and then said ‘they are my family and you can’t stop me letting them in’. I was so angry I told him to get lost. He then goes and cries so loudly in the other room. It didn’t make sense, he riles me up and then cries like I’m the horrible bitch. It usually always makes me feel bad but now, it made me nothing but angry. I stormed up to him to grab his arm

One of two things or both of these two things appear to be happening here. He provoked your anger because he knows you will become angry and then burn out. He believes the anger is inevitable so wants to get it done with. Or, he is manipulative.

Its interesting that you feel guilty. Is it his manipulation of the situation so that he looks like a victim of your anger? or is it that you know your anger is unwarranted and unreasonable?

You say that you feel "unlovable" this is also quite interesting because when combined with the anger, resentment of his family, you claiming to want to hurt him with an affair so he leaves suggests that you have some issues around emotional regulation and rejection. You also mention feeling suicidal. I’m very closed off and have been suicidal in the past. I never thought I’d be this happy (as I am a lot of the time) with someone or love them this much. It’s tearing me in half Did you receive any help with this at the time? and can I ask what was your family life like as a child?

This relationship is so toxic. Do you really want to stay with him? A man who capitulates to his family and can't articulate why? Someone who cries loudly after arguments? You're clearly deeply unhappy (panic attacks, rage etc.) Is this how you want to live your life?

The whole situation sounds fraught. You either need very intensive therapy (both individually and as a couple) or to break up.

Eh - it would help if you both grew up a bit and were able to control your behaviour like adults. Would either of you behave this way at work?!

If he'd agreed with his boss to not let respected visitors inside he office, would his boss expect him to:- not only let them in, but then go "I don't know why I did it" and cry?

Would you be shouting and pushing people at work?!

Unless the answer to the above is "yes" (in which case learning adult self control has got to be done NOW) you can both choose how you behave and need to extend the same courtesy at home.

I'm actually not unsympathetic though - would it be right to say you both had families where this sort of childish behaviour was modelled by the adults? If you have crap role models it's harder.

I realize you can only control what you yourself do and say - this will help a bit but your OH will need to put some effort in himself.
Have a think of how to act in situations like this without aggression. Could you have said, "excuse me", picked up your DD, opened all the windows, said, "If it's too cold in the garden I'm afraid we'll have to meet outdoors another time, but you can't stay now - let's go out to arrange that and then DD and I will wave you off" and if anyone was rude, said, "I'm sorry you feel that way, DD and I are going out now".

Basically start by acting with dignity & civility yourself - even if you feel very angry you can still behave in a controlled way. Talk to your DH ... Calmly - tell him things have got to change and from now on you would like him to act like an adult. And if a year passes and you're now a paragon of tact, calm and clarity and he's still crying and screimg, then.... :/ but hopefully it won't come to that.

Why do you keep asking him to explain the behaviour of his family? You're putting him in the position of having to justify other people, which isn't fair to him.

Poor kid being stuck in the middle of that mess. You both sound immature and not compatible OP.

I feel sorry for the child. He works away, you work 10 hour days. You are both hysterical.

All sounds a bit odd and only half a story.

Why are you constantly asking him why his family does xyz? Why should he know?
Why is he going off crying and wailing like a toddler?
Why was he shouting your name? What were you doing when he did, just standing there staring at him? Or standing over him shouting?

It sounds like you're physically abusive tbh op and that HE should LTB.

@notagainmummy

I'm sorry, I think you are being physically abusive to your husband and damaging your child with your outbursts. I can understand being upset because of the family coming indoors, but you also overreacted massively, and it wasn't about them entering the house, it was to do with your animosity towards them. You are exhibiting classic abuser behaviour with physical assaults on him when he is holding his child, minimising his distress, trying to alienate him from his family and then painting yourself as the victim.

He needs to get away from you and take your DD for everyones safety.

I agree with this. Your poor DD.

He sounds completely unable to control his emotions, or stand up to his family. Emotional weakness can be very hard to live with, especially when you’re the person left to pick up the pieces because the only person he isn’t afraid of hurting is you.

You sound very incompatible and bad at communicating. That doesn’t make you horrible, but it doesn’t make for a harmonious home.

I think you should both consider couples therapy. You have to learn to disagree without it descending into screaming and tears, or you will model bad behaviour for your daughter which will affect her for life.

If he isn’t open to counselling then I would seriously consider if this relationship is worth it. It’s not good for you, your daughter or your partner to live in a toxic environment. It’s hard when you love each other - but the reality is, love isn’t always enough. You can love each other and still be very bad for each other. You can love each other and still be happier apart.

I’m the OP, I deleted my account as I was so ashamed.

I really am. I wrote this whilst not thinking straight and now I am, I have felt sick all day. I have a stabbing pain in my chest and my throat is so tight. I was to cry constantly, I feel guilty. So so guilty. My poor DD, she deserves so much better than me. I’m evil. I can’t go back I know that.

I’ve booked a counselling session now but I don’t know what to expect, I’m so scared.

I’ve begged my DH to leave me today. He says he doesn’t want to and loves me. I’m feeling much more clear about things so we haven’t been arguing or anything, we have been calm all day.

These two incidents were very close together and we have been together for years and have never been close to this. He’s always cried but it’s usually just a tear as he hates arguing, we were never violent and rarely shouted. We were mostly always calm. We went all of 2020 with one argument at Christmas (non violent and not shouting at all) and one in March that year, again rather civil. This has been recent. I think lockdown, not seeing friends or family, work and looking after DD on my own has changed me for the worst and it is no ones fault but my own. The only people I have seen are DH and his family. His family clearly hate me. I wore a vest once and they said I looked like a slut. I was shocked and just stared. When I asked why they said that (very sheepishly), they said I just have Mis heard and DH didn’t believe me. His Mother later admitted it, he just didn’t say anything about it to her or me again. That’s why i asked him why then so he can justify why he thinks she said that. Again he doesn’t know. I’m going to stop asking him why. I’m going to stop everything.

My family were abusive growing up and I can’t have it happen to my family. I need to change, I’m the only one that can change me. I’m so sorry. I don’t deserve my life or to be happy but my DD does. Don’t feel sorry for me, I did this to myself.

I’m going to try everything for my DD and if not then split. I’ve never been violent in my life before this.

Also, to clarify. It’s so awful but I pushed DH when having a panic attack, not during an argument. And it was when he was trying to hug me. Not because he annoyed me. I was just trying to get my breath back. I really really didn’t mean it. I know that doesn’t help. But just to explain a little more. And when he shouted my name, I stormed up to him, went to grab his forearm but didn’t get to touch when he bolted up and held onto my shoulders and shouted my name over and over. He could see i was just rage. I am so deeply ashamed about this.

I’m really not trying to push him away from his family, I have forgiven everything time and time again and alllwed them to see DD as much as they wanted when we could. I even send pictures when they ask and tell DH that he should have a relationship with them and when he gets guilty and tries to distance from them. I couldn’t do that to him as he gets depressed if he can’t be involved with them.

Also, they are the trigger. Nothing else. When we didn’t see them in lockdown, no arguments and as soon as we do - I March before lockdown and then Christmas. That was it. And then the worst is now as again, nothing changed. I was still the last in mind. I should never have reacted this way. I feel crazy.

When he started whaling, I just didn’t understand. I’ve honestly tried so hard for him. I swear. I would never usually react like this and don’t know why I did

I’m not trying to make myself look like a victim. Otherwise I wouldn’t have admitted what I did. I knew it wasn’t going to be a positive feedback. He should leave me. But if we don’t fix this, then we have to split. I know that

I’m so ashamed. What have I become? What am I doing to myself and my family? It’s me, I know it is. I’m so scared to be alone this week. I can’t look at my DH or in the mirror. I hate myself. He says he loves me and I’m seeing how it happened all wrong but I’m not, it was me. I don’t deserve to be here. I hate myself. I am really not trying to make anyone feel bad for me. It is just the truth. My poor family

The counselling session will help and well done for booking that 👍

Thank you @Newgirls
It’s a week away, I’m really scared for it but also want it here now so I can get to the root of this.I really don’t want to be alone this week but that might help too. I really really hope it does