Please help - am I a horrible person?

[Needahandtoholdplease1]

NC for this as I don’t want my DH to see it.

I don’t know what to do and I need some help, please. We have a lovely 10 Month old DD, a nice house and don’t have to struggle for the bills. This is what we always wanted so, why isn’t it enough? A little back story -

Me and DH have had issues with his family before. It always feels like he chooses them. He will always stick up for them and defend them no matter what, even when they were nasty. They aren’t nasty people as such but they have said some pretty cruel things.
This is the main cause for the arguments. His family have really affected our relationship.

The main things that bother me is that he will say ‘I don’t know’ when I ask him why he or his family does things that upset me. He can’t give me a reason for anything and if I bring it up then I’m just bringing up the past and need to get over it. How can I? I don’t have a reason for any of it.

Last weekend, they came over when I didn’t want them too as they have been mixing with people. I said fine to the garden of course but then suddenly it’s too windy and they are here now so, they are coming in. I said no. I come downstairs from the bathroom and they are inside, walking about the house and touching DD. I was annoyed. I ask DH why he let them in and didn’t say anything about touching DD (they stopped when I came in), he just said ‘I don’t know’. I got more annoyed and then he started to rile me up more saying ‘come on then, get it all out’ and then said ‘they are my family and you can’t stop me letting them in’. I was so angry I told him to get lost. He then goes and cries so loudly in the other room. It didn’t make sense, he riles me up and then cries like I’m the horrible bitch. It usually always makes me feel bad but now, it made me nothing but angry. I stormed up to him to grab his arm (I think, I was in a blind rage) and he got up and started screaming my name over and over. This made it even worse as I know the neighbours heard this all too as he went to scream and cry next to the extension is is such a thin wall I hear my neighbour cough. I hate them hearing everything and he had to pick that spot to cry in!! He works away and I’m stuck in this house feeling humiliated. My neighbour came to the door the next day to thank us for taking a parcel but I know she was being nosey. She probably thinks I was beating him up with the way he was screaming.

It is really making me resent him! I can’t say a thing to him about it or I’m just bringing up the past or he doesn’t know why he did that. It drive me mad but then he cries if we fight and then I feel bad and forget about it till the next fight. We went almost the whole of last year without many fights and were in the house 24/7 together but this was when I didn’t see his family. Now we thought at Christmas and then now.

What do I do? He makes me feel so small, like I mean nothing but then he cries that he loves me and that I’m everything but his actions say the opposite.

I feel ugly. I don’t have any friends or family in my city and the only people I see are DD, him or his family.

I’m now working 10-12hour days at home (it was 6am - 10pm yesterday) and looking after DD on my own as he’s away working and I have no one. We tried so hard to get here and I thought I would be so happy but I’m not completely. He makes me want to just do something stupid like cheat on him as I know that’s the only way he would say it’s over and I can stop this agony.

The other part is that I love him dearly. I’m very closed off and have been suicidal in the past. I never thought I’d be this happy (as I am a lot of the time) with someone or love them this much. It’s tearing me in half.

I just feel so lonely and ashamed after we fight. I hate when DD sees it too. We usually keep it away from her but it’s hard when emotional are high. Am I a horrible person? I feel it. Maybe that’s why I feel so unloved as I know no one could ever really love me. So I’ll doubt everything. I just wish he would prove that he does just once by sticking up for me and showing how important I am, not just saying it.

The stress has almost made me have a nervous breakdown before. I once shoved DH whilst DD was in his arms. He kept trying to hug me whilst I was panting away trying to catch my breath in a panic attach so shoved him off in a blind panic/rage and felt horrible after it. I still do. It wasn’t hard, he didn’t really move. Only a few steps but still.

I don’t expect anyone to reply, just nice getting it out. If you have read this far then thank you.

The neighbour wasn't necessarily being nosey. More likely to be worried.

It will and the whole weird lock down covid situation can’t have helped. You are taking a good first step which is great

The counselling will help you. Well done for reaching out. Your DP will need it too, to work on his boundaries with his (horrible sounding) family and being able to deal with his emotions without wailing like a toddler.

You have been driven to the brink of sanity it sounds like, but you have obviously had a very difficult life.

Also, it doesn't matter if your DP says he wants you to stay together, you have to do what's right for you, and if that's breaking up in the future then so be it. Once you're on an even keel again you can reassess how you want your life to be.

Good luck Don't beat yourself up too much, the first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.

You are human and you need some help to work through and deal with your feelings. That fact you feel so awful and are doing something about it shows you're not a monster.

Your husband is not completely blameless in this. He lets his family treat you badly and completely disregarded your wishes about them coming into the house because he is too weak to say no.

In my honest opinion, his behaviour is unlikely to going to change, so have the counselling for yourself and your own well-being and when youre ready think about whether you're willing to live with your inlaws treatment of you and your husband's deference to them forever. There's not right or wrong answer, we all have different things we can and are lreoarared to put up with.

@TheSilveryPussycat yes, I think so too. They are such kind people too. Honestly. They have been so nice to us at every turn. She just offered me help and to get my anything I needed but I just always think the worst in people. I was brought up that way and it’s so hard not too think like that. I just couldn’t believe she would want to be kind to me after hearing that. I feel terrible

@Newgirls thank you for being kind to me. I’m sitting on the sofa shaking and crying. I feel so empty. I don’t have anything left. I can’t become my family either, I hated my mother for what she did and I can’t stand the thought of DD thinking of me the same way. I love her so much. I want to be the best for her but I’ve failed so much this week. I’ve ruined everything

You also need childcare. You can't be working efficiently if looking after a baby.

@LittlestBoho thank you, I really hope it does. Otherwise I know I have to leave. It’s breaking my heart. Thankfully he agreed to counselling too. I’m really shocked as he always said he didn’t believe it worked. I’m doing individual first to try and get back to the way I was. The old me never would have done this no matter what he did. I’ve ruined myself. And then we will do couples. He doesn’t want too on his own but I think couples will be okay.

It hasn’t been easy but I know it’s no excuse. People have been through so much worse than me and they don’t do this. I know that.

I think that’s hitting me now really hard. I’m so scared. I know it’s our last shot but I feel so empty. I’m just an empty ugly shell of what I was.

Thank you I’m really going to try. Your words have really meant a lot to me. I don’t have anyone to talk too so this means the world

@Cam2020 thank you. I don’t know why you are being so kind too me. I feel I don’t deserve it. But it’s made me stop crying a little. Don’t worry. DD is in bed and hasn’t seen me cry. So letting it all out now as DH has gone out.

I think he knows that, it’s destroyed all my confidence. My mother didn’t love me which really has taken a lot of confidence away as I could never imagine not loving my DD so I always think I must have been a disgusting little human being to make her feel that way. And now my DH doesn’t think I’m worth much: I think it’s always why is ask ‘why?’ Constantly. What did I do to her here. I have tried to be kind I promise. This isn’t me. I’ve turned into this. The thing I hate.

I think you are right. I know something is wrong with it. I keep telling myself well it must be true. I can’t find one person who loves me as much as I love them so it must be me. I’m just awful. I have friends that love quite far away but I’m so ashamed. I love my DH so much but I have never felt this ugly, alone or empty.

Thank you for your kind words

@Mummyof2Terrors you’re absolutely right. Work is taking me so long to do. DD won’t take a bottle and has crying fits that won’t stop when she is away from me for more than 10 mins. She will grow out of this but she’s not ready. I think it’s lockdown and only seeing me with DH working away. I think I’m going to stop working. It won’t be great for us but I’m really struggling so much.

@Iknowimtheproblem I think having counselling is right for you because you need to understand and come to terms with your early years. childhood trauma and a difficult relationship/abusive parents can cause severe damage to your confidence and ability to cope. The stresses you are under at the moment have brought all this to the surface, and shows how the cycle of abuse works. The fact though, that you understand this and don't want it to happen, and have gone many years without this torment bubbling up, is a great sign that you will be able to control the issues that are still troubling you. Good luck x

@notagainmummy thank you so much. You have really hit the nail on the head. I can’t believe it’s all coming out now but I really want to get help and not end up like my mother. I’m not using it as an excuse at all but being trapped in 24/7 only only seeing the in laws has brought out what I didn’t even know was inside me

OP you cannot live like this, you are being driven to insanity by 'Family' ridiculing you, disrespecting you, ignoring your boundaries, calling you vile names and your Husband is not supportive, he does not defend you. He ignores your boundaries and responds to any criticism, by fobbing you off, undermining you, gas lighting you by saying He doesn't know. He doesn't care enough, to know OP, and I know you feel partly responsible, but if you need to trust your instincts on this. Im surprised you've not had an emotional breakdown.

I wish you luck with your therapy for your childhood issues OP, but in your marriage I don't see you being the problem here.

this is just my opinion OP, which will differ from others

I think these posts are tragic. I just feel sorry that you are in such a turmoil. I hope counselling can unravel all of this and try and help you function.

@BlueDahlia69 has hit the nail on the head. I can't believe how many people are accusing the OP of being the abusive one. She is living with a spineless, pathetic coward who allows his horrid family to bully her and turns on the tears for manipulation when she reacts in a normal, human way to constantly being disrespected and undermined. He stomps all over her boundaries, such as trying to hug her when she's having a panic attack, then plays the victim when she inevitably snaps from his stifling behaviour. And because OP has had an abusive childhood and already low self esteem, it's very easy for him to make her believe she's the toxic one and it's all her fault.