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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this abuse or do I need to toughen up?

30 replies

Worakls · 10/04/2021 13:12

Things with my soon to be ex husband have started to get very confrontational. He's not a nice person, unless you do as he wishes. Obviously, when married I rarely stood up to him in order to keep the peace. The only time I did was when he did things that hurt the kids (never physical btw). He's like it with everyone. He gets shouty, aggressive, swears a lot and is hugely controlling. Recently he's got a lot worse (I've started seeing someone and he's angry) but anytime he asks to have a word with me, I feel sick, I get shaky... He has never hit me, he has only once got in my face, he doesn't call me names, just tells me fuck off a lot or to watch myself etc. He raises his voice, doesn't shout but is very firm.
Now this leads me believe it's arguing, not abuse. But I am scared of him and I behave in certain ways to avoid confrontation with him. It's really got to be worth it for me to say something as his reaction will affect me for days afterwards. Example was yesterday when I discovered he had covid symptoms but h as don't told me and hadn't got tested. He being going out and about as usual. I felt I had to say something. I got nasty messages back and my stress levels are sky high.
So my question, is this abuse in some way (if so I shall speak to my solicitor) or is it me? I am a bit pathetic with confrontation. I'm one of those people that can't really argue, if I get angry I get upset!! Thoughts?

OP posts:
spookybitches · 10/04/2021 13:14

Yes this is abuse. Threatening behaviour is a crime. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

PickAChew · 10/04/2021 13:17

It absolutely is abuse. Abuse can be emotional, verbal or financial, as well as physical. It's all harmful.

Troyhelena · 10/04/2021 13:20

Trust your instincts OP.
Even if 100 people came on here and told you that no it’s not abuse, it doesn’t matter because there are clearly major issues in the relationship to cause you to feel this way. It’s not normal or something you should just accept.

WilsonMilson · 10/04/2021 13:21

Stop engaging with him. Unless your dc have been with him and exposed to possible covid, then it’s none of your business what he does. He sounds like a shit, so i would limit contact to only the necessary divorce negotiations and about the kids. Stop letting him cross boundaries and speak abusively. Best way is to stonewall and only engage when he is reasonable.

SheldonesqueHasTheWeevils · 10/04/2021 13:24

If you are scared then there is a problem.

A big one. Flowers

Original poster
Worakls · 10/04/2021 13:26

@WilsonMilson normally I wouldn't have said anything about the covid thing but he'd had the kids and then my son got a fever and a cough. I told him, at which point he announced he'd had the same for the past 5 days. So I didn't know and the kids had being going to his and I had seen a couple of friends (socially distanced but still not ideal)

OP posts:
MaMaD1990 · 10/04/2021 13:27

Yes, definitely abusive. Speak to your Solicitor and keep all the messages. What a twat of the highest order.

Original poster
Worakls · 10/04/2021 13:28

Also today's argument was about the kids. I dropped them off, he asked to have a word in the hallway and shut the doors. He then had a go at me because my boyfriend has lent an old x box to our son (as his playstation has gone to his dad's) and he was going to sell it on eBay so suggested it to me. Ex has told me we're going to have issues if I let this guy do stuff like this and then he shouted that I need to do better as a parent. I came out shaking, got to my car and cried

OP posts:
funnylittlefloozie · 10/04/2021 13:29

Stop communicating with him. You are divorcing, you're seeing someone else, the only communication you need to have with him is "what time are you collecting the kids".

If he sends you nasty messages, just delete them. My exH used to do this, and my now DP hated how upset it made me. Stop telling your exH anything about your life now, its YOUR life and none of his business.

Wanderlusto · 10/04/2021 13:35

Literally all of it is abuse.

Controlling behaviour is abuse. Threatening behaviour is abuse. Nasty texts are abuse. Shouting, swearing and telling you to fuck off is abuse.

And abusers arent abusive because they are angry, they are angry because they are abusive.

Limit contact as much as possible. Never let him into your home or go into is. Have a friend or relative do pick ups and drop offs when possible and block contact from him on everything bar one phone. If it continues, you can report any harassment to the police.

Listen to your body. It is a clear sign you are in danger if it starts reacting like that. Never be alone with this man again.

Original poster
Worakls · 10/04/2021 14:36

Thank you everyone. These comments actually made me cry. It's a scary realisation to think I had possibly been in an abusive relationship for years and not noticed...
But part of me still thinks someone different wouldn't think this was abusive, someone tougher or stronger 😞

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 10/04/2021 14:40

Your doing fine as a parent your boyfriend lending your son an xbox? He feels threatened by it he wants to be the only one with the games console at his disposal so he can control it buy the xbox off your boyfriend if you want to there are better kids games on xbox anyway

Babdoc · 10/04/2021 14:43

OP, you are victim blaming! You shouldn’t “have to be strong” to tolerate abuse - you shouldn’t be abused, full stop.
If a stranger in the street repeatedly punched you in the face, the police wouldn’t tell you that your face was too soft and you ought to toughen up to withstand the punches!
Stop any contact with this vile man, except via your solicitor. Get someone else to collect/drop off the kids. And stop doubting yourself - this is unquestionably an abusive relationship. The sooner your divorce is finalised, the better.

Theunamedcat · 10/04/2021 14:48

Next time he "wants a word" say can you text it to me please ive got an appointment/food is cooking/late for the gym etc if he is anything like my ex he will be careful what he puts in writing of course if he abuses you in writing you have even more proof for the police

Theunamedcat · 10/04/2021 14:50

If he calls have "phone issues" ive literally shouted down the phone at my abusive ex "Can you text me i cant hear you? HALLOOO?? I CANT HEAR YOU TEXT ME PLEASE!) I can hear his shit just fine im just not going to tolerate it

Wanderlusto · 10/04/2021 14:51

Abusers tend to condition you to think that you not being ok with their shitty behaviour is 'oversensitivity'. They tell you 'everyonecekse' would be ok with things (that truthfully they absolutely would NOT be) and try to convince you you are the one with the issues.

They dont care about your needs and they want you to put your own needs aside for them. The best way to do this is to convince you that its not ok for you to have needs of your own. Even basic human needs such as being treated with kindness and respect.

You are not oversensitive. You are not nt weak. You have every right to feel anger, hurt and upset at his nasty behaviour. You have every right to protect yourself from it by staying way from him.

It isn't weakness to stand up for your basic human rights. It is strength.

It can take some time to relearn this after abuse. But practice makes perfect.

Wanderlusto · 10/04/2021 14:52
  • 'everyone else'
Wanderlusto · 10/04/2021 15:07

Oh and, just be careful op, I dont know how long you have been separated but it's really common for women who have left abusers to jump head first into other relationships before taking any time to recover and to learn how to spot future abusers.

Often these sorts seem 'completely different from the ex' ...in the beginning.

Hopefully the new man is lovely and will remain so. But definately do lots of reading on how to spot abuse in future. Because chances are itll come in mega handy at some point.

Maray1967 · 10/04/2021 15:47

Think about what he means about the Xbox. It’s fine for the ps to be at his but your DC can’t have an x box at yours??? He’s trying to be the one who has the fun stuff. As previous posters have said, don’t let him speak to you like that. Don’t come into the house, get him to bring Ds out to you. If he won’t, get in your car and drive away and say you have to get home as the dinner will burn or whatever, and you’ll pick DS up later. I have a friend whose X did this kind of thing. She ended up calling the police out when she’d told him she wouldn’t have time to have a conversation (he’d done this several times and it was abusive each time not a proper conversation) and he tried to force it by not letting DC leave - he quickly let the child go with her when the police turned up.

Original poster
Worakls · 10/04/2021 15:49

@Wanderlusto thank you. I have started the freedom programme to make sure I don't end up here again. I have been seeing my current partner about 8 months. Been separated from ex for 18 months. I didn't go it looking for a relationship, my plan was to take a few years to heal etc, but it just happened! He's my friend's brother and we sort of clicked. As you said, though, My current boyfriend seems completely different, opposite end of the spectrum but never again can I end up being treated like my ex did so I want to make sure I've got all the tools I need to keep myself safe.

OP posts:
Cherrysoup · 10/04/2021 15:56

Stop allowing him to ‘have a word’. He has no right to your time. Ask the kids to get out of the car and watch them go in. You have no need to be in his house, nor he yours. He can communicate via email. Be obdurate, OP, he has no right to abuse you, he sounds like an abusive angry idiot.

You don’t need to be tougher or stronger, you just need to change how you deal with him so you minimise contact between you and him. He’s angry that he’s lost control over you so is trying to impose his will on you. Don’t allow it!

nitsandwormsdodger · 10/04/2021 15:56

Putting you down over an x box is nasty and abusive never be alone with him , make sure he text or emails anything he wasn't to say so you have evidence just say " no email me from now on if you have anything to say" get separate email address just for him
And ignore any rude comments

ladymary86 · 10/04/2021 15:59

OP, I could have written your exact post myself.
My ExH was and is still to a certain extent, still like this. I echo what other people have said, get EVERY communication about the children in writing and make it clear that this is all you will communicate about.

I have been apart from my exH for over 3 years now and he can still make me feel the way you've described.

Deathraystare · 10/04/2021 16:21

He's like it with everyone

Well I doubt he is like it at work (if he works).

Original poster
Worakls · 10/04/2021 16:47

@ladymary86 I'm sorry to hear that 😞. It's horrible isn't it. I find myself avoiding doing things as I can't cope with the fallout from him. Eg, boyfriend has suggested we go to the zoo for a day out... I've freaked out as my ex will go nuts if I let this guy get too involved with the kids. Lots of examples like these. Or the not saying anything about the fact that he never makes sure kids do their homework (5 and 9), or that he forgets to send them to school with coats or bags or lunches, or that he forgot parent's evening...
To clarify @nitsandwormsdodger, the issue with the Xbox he said is due to my boyfriend buying off our son...

OP posts: