Is this abuse or do I need to toughen up?

[Worakls]

Things with my soon to be ex husband have started to get very confrontational. He's not a nice person, unless you do as he wishes. Obviously, when married I rarely stood up to him in order to keep the peace. The only time I did was when he did things that hurt the kids (never physical btw). He's like it with everyone. He gets shouty, aggressive, swears a lot and is hugely controlling. Recently he's got a lot worse (I've started seeing someone and he's angry) but anytime he asks to have a word with me, I feel sick, I get shaky... He has never hit me, he has only once got in my face, he doesn't call me names, just tells me fuck off a lot or to watch myself etc. He raises his voice, doesn't shout but is very firm.
Now this leads me believe it's arguing, not abuse. But I am scared of him and I behave in certain ways to avoid confrontation with him. It's really got to be worth it for me to say something as his reaction will affect me for days afterwards. Example was yesterday when I discovered he had covid symptoms but h as don't told me and hadn't got tested. He being going out and about as usual. I felt I had to say something. I got nasty messages back and my stress levels are sky high.
So my question, is this abuse in some way (if so I shall speak to my solicitor) or is it me? I am a bit pathetic with confrontation. I'm one of those people that can't really argue, if I get angry I get upset!! Thoughts?

@Worakls the other thing to realise and accept is that he will not change.
ExH can still affect how I feel. Very much makes me doubt myself and is constantly bashing me as a parent. I have got much better at recognising this for what it is but old habits die hard.

What you can do is change how you respond to him. I read up on 'grey rock' method and this really helped.
Do be very strict with yourself about what you engage with him about and do it all in writing. I also always run communications by people who I trust before I send them and they will help me to take any emotion out of it and less that he can pick at and find fault with.

I'm sorry you're going through this!

Hugely abusive OP but you have been conditioned for years by him.

He sounds very nasty and unpleasant.

I think you need to speak to Women's Aid asap for advice and support.

He is still trying to control you.

Mind yourself.

Just because HE wants to have a word with you, it doesn't mean you have to listen. I get it, though. My stbxH was/is controlling too and I felt "obligated" to have a conversation when he wanted one. But the more I established my boundaries, the easier it was to say, "I don't have time, please text me." By enforcing my boundaries, I mean - hanging up on him mid zoom call whenever he raised his voice, mocked me, or rolled his eyes at me. It took a long time for me to realize and believe that I am not "obligated" to do anything!

Sending you peace and strength!!!

Is the issue re xboxes versus PlayStation to do with parental locks and protections or solely because it came from your new bf? (we don't have any consoles so I genuinely don't know).

Much of what you've said is how things make you feel/react. Arguably abuse is about how it makes you interpret the situation, though others will disagree, I don't necessarily interpret the examples you've listed as abusive as opposed to arguing exes, probably exacerbated by a new partner being involved.

Calling it ‘abuse’ is labelling his behaviour and, in terms of how his behaviour affects you, it doesn’t really matter whether you call it ‘abuse’ or ‘just ex being ex’.

What does matter is the effect his behaviour is having on you. I’m glad you are doing the freedom programme. I think it will help you a lot.