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Original poster

Don't want to hurt my fwb guy

27 replies

Shooshybobs · 10/04/2021 10:12

Ive been seeing a guy for the past 18 months on and off/fwb/seeing each other .
I ended it about a month ago and we have been fwb since then.
I ended it because he is very closed and couldn't express how he felt about me/us, he wasnt keen on making plans together or doing what i would consider normal relationship type stuff.
No phone calls, no chat besides surface level stuff, he couldn't ever say anything nice to me, the list goes on.
I just wasnt satisfied in terms of a relationship.
I think he could go on as fwb which is meeting once a week and a few texts in between, for long term. However I know that I am looking for more of a bf type person to go away for weekends with, go out for dinners, meet each others friends etc
He says he is happy on his own and does not express any desire to want to do any of these things with me.

Now a bit more normality is around the corner and I'm due to start a new job, I'm aware that i will start meeting new people and potential guys will show up. Im actually scared of hurting my fwb guy. I do know he has feelings for me as he reluctantly said this before, he had also mentioned while drunk that im in his head all the time, thinking about me when goes to sleep at night and as soon as he wakes up in the morning.

I do enjoy our arrangement just now but for me this is temporary until someone more suited comes along.
What would you do here?

OP posts:
litterbird · 10/04/2021 10:19

"He says he is happy on his own and does not express any desire to want to do any of these things with me."

Listen to what he has said. He doesn't want a fully committed relationship with you. Really hear what he is saying. Then act accordingly. He maybe a bit miffed for a while then probably strike up another flakey relationship with someone else later on. Rinse and repeat. You want and deserve more. Go and seek it. He is just not that into you. Find someone who is and drop the guilt of leaving him, he knows its not long until you do.....most men know what they are doing.

anunexaminedlife · 10/04/2021 10:24

I get the impression that if anyone is at risk of being hurt, it's you. You want more from him than he's willing to offer and he's told you that he's not really interested in anything other than sex from you. Forget what he said once when he was drunk, if he genuinely cared about you, you would be sure of it. FWB opportunities are two a penny if you are a female, you should find a different one without the current context.

mooonstone · 10/04/2021 10:26

End it, stop pandering to him. You want different things

MajesticWhine · 10/04/2021 10:32

But people do sometimes get hurt with fwb don't they? Because they want different things. He's made his choice and hasn't shown any signs of taking the relationship further. And you want something more. Assuming you have had an open and frank conversation about this difference, I don't think you need to be responsible for his hurt feelings. It would be simpler to end things altogether at this stage so that you are able to move on and look for someone else. And this would be the more respectful way forward that is least likely to cause hurt.

Original poster
Shooshybobs · 10/04/2021 10:57

I do enjoy the set up just now that's the thing. I just know in the long term I'm wanting more.
I don't necessarily want more from him as we have tried properly twice now and there's just too much to make work in that sense.
I'm not in love with him, I like him alot and there are some feelings there but it's definitely not a madly in love thing.

OP posts:
BaronessBomburst · 10/04/2021 11:02

But will you actually hurt him?
You've offered a relationship, he didn't want it. That was his choice. Of course you'll move on.

Ruminating2020 · 10/04/2021 11:10

Don't tie yourself to this person and let him affect your relationship decisions. You owe him nothing. I can't see how you'll hurt him.

Onelifeonly · 10/04/2021 11:16

It's not a committed relationship. Why can't you continue as you are, if it suits you, until a better option turns up? Why the angst?

You can explain your position to him clearly, and let him decide whether he wants to continue on this basis. If he wants more (unlikely, but possible) he'll step up or if he's hurt, he'll probably stop seeing you. If he's not bothered either way, you'll get what you seem to be asking for.

Maybe it's your feelings you are worried about?

Original poster
Shooshybobs · 10/04/2021 13:41

@Onelifeonly

It's not a committed relationship. Why can't you continue as you are, if it suits you, until a better option turns up? Why the angst?

You can explain your position to him clearly, and let him decide whether he wants to continue on this basis. If he wants more (unlikely, but possible) he'll step up or if he's hurt, he'll probably stop seeing you. If he's not bothered either way, you'll get what you seem to be asking for.

Maybe it's your feelings you are worried about?

That sounds like a good plan. No I'm not worried about my own feelings here as I ultimately ended things with him this year and also last year for similar reasons so I know it isn't going to work. Because he's so closed it's easy not to live him because there's not much to love if that makes any sense, he doesn't give anything of himself for me to love
OP posts:
Original poster
Shooshybobs · 10/04/2021 13:42

Love *

OP posts:
Original poster
Shooshybobs · 10/04/2021 13:45

@BaronessBomburst

But will you actually hurt him? You've offered a relationship, he didn't want it. That was his choice. Of course you'll move on.
I'm sure I will hurt him on some level. You are right there, I've made it clear last year what I was looking for and turned out he wasn't on the same page. Imagine me making many suggestions of going away together, trying to make plans etc to get no enthusiasm back and then never to be mentioned again! Then me talking about the possibility of him meeting my kids, again nothing back and never brought up again It was exhausting!
OP posts:
CodMouth · 10/04/2021 13:48

He isn’t going to be hurt....

“He says he is happy on his own and does not express any desire to want to do any of these things with me.”

He’s just happy with the sex.

JustAnotherOldMan · 10/04/2021 15:48

Hi OP, I was in your position a few years back, FWB with a woman, I was the one who wanted more of a relationship (don’t get me wrong, the sex was great), but I wanted more, as you do,
but she didn’t, (or at least not with me as it turned out..), a I was the one who got hurt when her Ex reappeared on the scene and they continued their relationship.

Don’t worry about hurting him, as he doesn’t care enough about you, but enjoy the NSA sex for now

Aquamarine1029 · 10/04/2021 15:52

Good grief, sometimes hurting people is completely unavoidable, and it doesn't make you a bad person or mean. As gentle and nice as we try to be, rejecting someone can hurt them, that's just the way it is. Get on with it because this situation isn't fair to him or you.

Mermaidwaves · 10/04/2021 17:40

Do what suits you OP, FWB is not something to rely on. This will sound harsh but if he meets someone he really likes he will have no trouble getting into a relationship with her, then he will drop you. By all means carry on until you meet someone but don't assume he will be hurt.

Branleuse · 10/04/2021 17:47

I wouldnt give it too much headspace quite honestly. If he would be hurt by it then its on him, as youve been perfectly clear. Youre hardly stringing him along. You dont owe him being his fuckbuddy for life in case he feels sad

Eesha · 11/04/2021 07:43

Op, it sounds like its you having a tough time letting go. As pp said, enjoy the sex but keep your options open. I had something similar with a fwb but i didnt want tons more, just that it made me pine for a real relationship with someone who gave me more. My ex FWB ended up professing love to me but by then i had experienced a real relationship with someone else and wanted that type of thing. Your FWB has made it clear he doesn't want more, just breadcrumbs you really. You can have more if you want it

JobHunting10 · 11/04/2021 11:16

Yeah he'll only be hurt when missing out on the sex / ego stroke Grin

Op, you sound really lovely. Put your needs before his.

FlyNow · 11/04/2021 12:07

I think you've got it backwards OP. You are the invested one here. I think telling yourself that you are just staying to save his feelings, and really you could take it or leave it, is just you protecting yourself.

Your interpretation - You were in a relationship with a man who loved you so much but was scared to say so, you ended it but kept a fwb thing going. He still loves you though and would be devasted if it ended.

What we see - You were in a relationship but it ended because he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. He doesn't care about you but is happy to be getting sex from anyone. If you end the fwb thing he won't care or really notice.

AnotherKrampus · 11/04/2021 12:18

I think you are deluded to think you are hurting him. He isn't into you other than having a shag with zero effort.

PurBal · 11/04/2021 12:19

@mooonstone

End it, stop pandering to him. You want different things
This
AgentJohnson · 11/04/2021 13:58

I’m getting irrationally annoyed by all these pseudo fwb set ups. The whole point of a fwb set up is not having the drama of a relationship, which you have failed at because you have the opposite. As soon as you realised he had feelings for you, you should have ended it.

Far too many people get entangled in fwb situations (I’ve been there), in the hope that they could transition into something else.

Don’t feel bad, fwb are supposed to be temporary. He can’t expect commitment when he’s unwilling to give it. End it now and don’t try to be friends either, far too messy.

Dery · 11/04/2021 14:52

“Good grief, sometimes hurting people is completely unavoidable, and it doesn't make you a bad person or mean. As gentle and nice as we try to be, rejecting someone can hurt them, that's just the way it is. Get on with it because this situation isn't fair to him or you.”

This. Also it doesn’t really sound like he’ll be that hurt. It’s very easy for him to say he loves you but if he really did, he’d want a proper relationship with you not just FWB. And the whole point of FWB is that there’s no commitment and either party can move on when they wish.

Dery · 11/04/2021 14:58

“I’m getting irrationally annoyed by all these pseudo fwb set ups. The whole point of a fwb set up is not having the drama of a relationship, which you have failed at because you have the opposite. As soon as you realised he had feelings for you, you should have ended it.”

@AgentJohnson - me too. There seem to be quite a few posts on here about FWB-arrangements which are a source of stress, confusion, anxiety and hurt. Periodically someone will say they don’t think FWBs can really work for most people and I’m inclined to agree. Sex is a very intimate act which, if enjoyed and done well, is calculated to create feelings of attachment and a desire for more connection with that person and one or other party nearly always has romantic feelings and hopes FWB will become something more.

OldChinaJug · 11/04/2021 16:01

The problem is that, when fwbs don't work, it's because one person is hoping it will become more.

True fwbs; friends who add a bit of no strings sex to the equation when the mood takes them, are great.

But in most cases described on MN, there is no true 'friendship'. These don't describe actual friends.