Think it’s over because of my snoring - feel helpless

[Lunafeline]

I’ve tried nasal sprays and a nose ring, now he’s gone downstairs to sleep. He’s never done that before. He’s not being horrible about it but he’s getting very frustrated with the lack of sleep. I don’t know what to do but to walk away because I feel so ashamed.
I understand how it feels to be sleep deprived and it’s only a matter of time before he resents me for it. I can’t bare the thought of that. I don’t think anyone can help, just need a handhold as I feel heartbroken x

Agree with PP the anti snoring mouth guard things really work. You can buy them in Boots.

Could not believe after everything my extreme snorer husband had tried, and he'd researched and tried absolutely everything including spending a small fortune on a trip to some rip off clinic, that something made a big difference.

It's really difficult for both parties, be kind to yourself, you can't help it.

Have a word with your GP. You may not get anywhere but if you don't ask you won't find out if there's a simple explanation.

If there isn't a simple physical problem then you need to manage it between you.

We've always had sleep issues but at least now we have room to sleep separate. (He now snores, I've always squirmed and wriggled, talked and walked - even gave him a black eye one night.) We still share a bed when away and almost everyday we spend some time in bed together, morning or night. Not necessarily for sex but its just nice to be together putting the world to right or having a cuddle.

Ok, I can give you both sides to this story. Just as I started the menopause I suddenly started snoring really badly. I am not overweight, healthy diet etc etc. It wasn't anything medical. It was embarrassing. I eventually after nothing worked over the counter I went to Harley Street to a snore clinic. They did a half hour small surgery that sort of burnt the back of the throat to tighten the area which was causing the vibration and the snore. I am grateful it worked. That was 6 years ago and I only "squeak" a bit when I have had too much wine! However, I had a boyfriend after that who had the most horrific snoring going. Nowhere in the house could I move to to get away from it. Think freight train at 100mph. Again, went to docs, no weight issues, medical issues etc. Sent him to Harley Street but unfortunately the surgery didn't work for him. He had several operations. It was horrific to sleep with him as it was so very very loud. Nothing would work. It sadly did not help the relationship as I used to get really anxious when he came to stay and I would have to make sure I didn't work the next day as my job involves me to be highly alert at all times. It was a problem. If you can look at alternatives to your snoring take some time out to research things that can help.

My husband and I sleep separately due to the racket he makes at night. Set up a bed somewhere, build an extension, convert the garage, put kids in together, sleep on a bedroom floor. I don’t get the obsession with sleeping together, getting good sleep is more important.

Just get a sofabed or a murphy bed (a good one) for the living room. No drama, no divorcing, plenty of people sleep separately. They just don't talk about it because it's a taboo. We sleep separately, as does my cousin, as did my parents. All due to snoring.

@MazekeenSmith

So why don't you get a sofa bed and sleep on the sofa? Why are you leaving him to go downstairs when you are the one who snores? Snoring is awful and nobody should be expected to sleep next to one, but it's easily fixed by the snorer sleeping elsewhere.

100% this! I refuse to date people who snore now after experiences where they basically went 'put up with it' and left ME to go and sleep on the sofa! Depriving someone of sleep is horrible, even if it isn't intentional.

There are free apps that you can use overnight to give you the real picture of how much and how bad your snoring is.
You need to take responsibility for this.
My ‘D’H snores dreadfully. We’ve not shared a bed for the last 5 years except when we’re away from home. He wants a quick fix - a mouthguard, a nasal spray or something done to fix him. What he needs to do is to loose a good bit of weight and cut down his alcohol consumption in the evenings but that takes effort on his part - things that he’s not willing to commit to in the long term.
It’s causing huge problems in our relationship so I would urge you to take control and show that you’re doing everything within your power to improve the situation. Good luck .

Just a thought as I don't see it mentioned above. Do you snore every night or just some? If it's just some there could be something triggering it. I snore the house down after a glass of wine, so I know alcohol is my trigger...

Have you got a dog? My DH lets the dog sleep on the bed if I'm up and out of the house before him the dog seems to be allowed in. Always bungs me up, I get very cross about it. What I do do is hoover the duvet if I know the dog has been there, helps a lot.

Try a neti pot OP.

Wow, there is a lot of hatred for snorers here!

@TheYearOfSmallThings

Wow, there is a lot of hatred for snorers here!

Defensive much?

@TheYearOfSmallThings

Wow, there is a lot of hatred for snorers here!

No, there is an intolerance of snorers who take offence when their bed partner goes elsewhere to get some sleep.

No one intends to snore, we all know that.

@Rozziie but the snorer doesn’t snore on purpose?

[quote Tinkling]@Rozziie but the snorer doesn’t snore on purpose?[/quote]
No, but when they get the hump with the person whose sleep is being disturbed they are an arsehole.

@Tinkling

My husband and I sleep separately due to the racket he makes at night. Set up a bed somewhere, build an extension, convert the garage, put kids in together, sleep on a bedroom floor. I don’t get the obsession with sleeping together, getting good sleep is more important.

Exactly. We have slept separately most nights for decades. DW snores, runs in her family, her sisters are the same. I am a lark, she is an owl. If we want cuddles, sex or just closeness we go to the other's bed, which happens several times a week. If we just want sleep then we stay on our own. Best of both worlds IMO.

Hi OP, have you looked in to mouth taping? There's a book called Breath by James Nestor which is fascinating and addresses snoring in depth. He's also done a lot of podcasts recently if that floats your boat. It has really, really helped my husbands snoring!

www.amazon.co.uk/Breath-Lost-Science-Misunderstood-Function/dp/0241289084

open.spotify.com/episode/58Drs6tKeuq82hMTbcDC0G?si=n7mk72O5QtK5FONli08w7A&utm_source=copy-link

I can recommend the Bose SleepBuds. My DH is a snorer and I was so fed up with interrupted sleep I was ready to move into a separate room.

It's nice that you are taking his feelings into account, but I don't think you should feel so bad. My OH snores and in the middle of the night, I sometimes feel like I could throttle him but they are passing feelings! A swift kick often sorts it out but if it bothers me too much, I either go down on the sofa or send him. The only thing I ask is he is understanding if I'm tired the following day. He doesn't do it on purpose, as you don't either. He wears a snore strip every night which sometimes works, sometimes doesn't. I have foam ear plugs and, this sounds strange, but I often go to sleep with my head at the bottom of the bed so top and tail - that puts enough distance between us for the ear plugs to be able to drown out most of the noise. Try the things suggested above - I'm really sure he won't mind as much as you think he does, if you are actively trying to do something to help. Be kinder to yourself xx

I asked him to swap places and he’s had some sleep now. He said it’s only got really bad in the last couple of months. I’m going to the doctors and have suggested sleeping separately but he doesn’t want that. But agrees we may have to if a solution can’t be found.

Thank you for all your replies, even the harsh ones...it’s helped me see things from a different perspective x

I have sleep apnea. I am overweight but looking back my father was really slim and also had it. We didn’t realise then. He had a couple of heart attacks at a young age. Probably caused by it.
My husband stuck with me through it.
I had to have rhinoplasty as I have a broken nose from childhood and needed a CPAP machine. That was a game changer. There is a small hiss but my husband sleeps through this easily. Do get checked out.

Have you tried the nose strips? My ex had to use these and they worked. Have you put on weight recently?

It’s incredibly unfair to be defensive when your partner objects to your snoring. Trying to sleep next to someone who’s snoring is just horrific.

Really feel for you as I know how much it upset me when I had the same situation. Nothing worse than waking up and he's gone!

However, you can sort it with the doctor and if you can't all you need to do is change your outlook on the situation. It took me a long time but I now accept that it doesn't mean he loves me less but he would if I kept him up every night!

I think I just thought the worst as he has never done that before, I do accept I over reacted and it was selfish of me to think that. He does love me and I’m determined not to let this come between us and so is he. It doesn’t help that I’m feeling fragile as I’ve just come through a VERY difficult time. I haven’t been leaning on him or expecting him to fix things and he praised me on my strength getting through it. I just need to build up my strength again and get back on track x