Passion after 40.. is it possible?!

[grapefruitforest]

I've been in a long distance relationship for 8 months. We're both in our early 40s, divorced, with children. We have no plans to move in together in the future or blend our families.

So, I think we should just be enjoying each other at such an early stage with no commitment. romance, staying up late chatting and getting to know each other better, lots of passion!

Last night my boyfriend came to bed, played on his phone, farted a lot, and gave me a peck on the cheek before falling asleep. It was our last night together for a while, he went home today. This is just an example, but it's generally how our relationship is.

Is this really it? I'd rather be single again than this. (My bf does know how I feel about this, I've told him, he doesn't seem to get my point though and says he loves me so much and proves it by coming to visit me etc) Does what I want exist at this stage in life?! I would love to hear some positive stories! (Or even just that I'm past the passionate stage and I should stay single!)

He doesn’t love you because he isn’t listening or caring that you aren’t getting what you want. He loves himself, and he’s getting what he wants is what he means.

Both mid-forties, both divorced with kids. We’re 6 months in and can’t get enough of each other 😁
Don’t settle op.

You haven't known him long enough to know that you love him. What do you love about him? Certainly not his time in bed.

He doesn’t love you because he isn’t listening or caring that you aren’t getting what you want. He loves himself, and he’s getting what he wants is what he means

This is 100% correct. I guess he's lazy. He has "caught" you so doesn't want to put in any more effort. I'm sure he wants the relationship to continue because if not he will have to start the process with someone new and that's alot of effort.

Dating is about finding out if you are compatible and 8 months is a good enough time to realise he isn't right for you. Don't feel guilt, you are entitled to leave as he isn't what you want. He doesn't need to agree, it is up to you if you want to end the relationship (especially such a short term one)

Absolutely. I see my bf about once a week and we're still excited to see each other and there's passion. We've been together for a few years.

If your bloke is a farty lump, it's that he's a farty lump, not relationships in general.

Ahh OP I really hope so. From PP it looks as though it's absolutely possible which I'm pleased about after leaving a sexless marriage. Bin him off...you can do sooooo much better x

My husband was 40 when we got together 13 years a go. I was in my head 20s. The sex, especially up until the birth of our daughter after 4 years, was incredible and undoubtedly how we formed such a strong connection. She's autistic and doesn't sleep properly now, but we both still want sex even if we don't always get a chance to have it. You BF sounds horrible. Farting in front of you is a massive turn off. I can count on one hand the amount of times I've heard my husband fart.

He shows you he loves you by coming to visit? Wow, is there no end to his thoughtfulness??! Bin him.

It's really difficult to end a relationship with someone who you love and who says they love you though. He's a good guy and they're hard to find. I just need more from a relationship

Yes those are the hardest ones to end. But if you're not getting what you need and not even enjoying yourself in the relationship then what's the point? Ultimately it won't be fulfilling for either of you - you want different things.

Incidentally I don't think this is anything to do with age. This can happen to people in their 20's. It's more about whether it's a good fit and the right person for you.

Thanks all. That's really helped. We talked about it on the phone last night. It isn't just the lack of sex but the lack of connection really.

I've woken up to a message this morning saying that he spends ages talking to me, and isn't he allowed to do anything other than talk? He's taken his profile photo of us down from fb overnight which I think is very childish. He really just doesn't get where I'm coming from and I'm not sure I can put it any more clearly. I've said I need more passion and romance and intimacy and he seems to have made it about talking (we do spend a long time chatting on the phone) So frustrating!

I did reply saying we seem to want different things, and it's not anyone's fault, we're just not compatible.

Keep the positive stories coming if you can, they give me hope! I've been single for a long time before this!

Being single is far superior to someone who doesn't connect with you and behaves childishly. You deserve better.

It exists, dp can't keep his hands off of me some nights. We are now living together so it's not every night these days but many!

@WhatHappenedToThose

Being single is far superior to someone who doesn't connect with you and behaves childishly. You deserve better.

Thank you! I need to print this out and put it on my mirror for a few days I think!

Ah, it’s over OP, that FB thing is pathetic.

Passion is not related to age, I promise. I’m 58, DP is 52, two years together, we shag every night we’re together and most mornings too. Go catch yourself a live one!

Urgh the facebook thing is so pathetic. We’ve been together ten years and we never did the Facebook status thing. Mine wasn’t visible anyway so I never changed it. Who cares I don’t live through social media anyway.

Anyway sounds like you did the right thing. He doesn’t get your points and seemingly isn’t interested in listening either. Onwards and upwards.

I think your just different people, he sounds more like me, and you sound more like my exwife, (ex as she wanted a level of deep communication about everything that just wasn’t in me )

Reading your updates it’s sounds like he’s becoming frustrated as well, probably best to call it quits and both of you find someone more suited

@ThisTooShallBeFantastic ah brilliant! How do I do that then?! Seriously though I'm not going to look for another man, I know I can be happy on my own as I was before, but it's great to hear that I've still got time for a bit of passion in my life!

Yes the fb thing drives me nuts. The only other time we had a disagreement he did the same thing, took his photos of me off. He's obsessed with fb, and I don't think that's an exaggeration. Which is fine if that's what he likes, but personally I don't like to document my life on it. This seems to be another compatibility issue that we have!

@JustAnotherOldMan it doesn't have to be deep communication all the time, just some connection and intimacy that isn't just on a surface level.

But you're right, we're not suited. And he's a good one, so I'm sure he'll meet someone who he is suited to. I really wish it had been me as we got on great aside from this, he made me laugh a lot, he was great to be with aside from this issue.

Maybe he will meet someone who doesn’t mind him playing on his phone, farting and a quick peck at bedtime.

What?! Yes of course you should still have passion. Came on to say it was possible but you might need a new partner ... thinking maybe you’d been married for 20 odd years. I’m in my 40s and been with bf for 2 1/2 years. For the first 20 months or so we literally couldn’t keep hands off each other and although unsurprisingly it’s not quite so rampant, we still can’t wait to see each other and rip each other’s clothes off - we don’t live with each other which no doubt helps but do spend more than 50% of the time together. If he’s already got to the “can’t be arsed to make an effort” stage this early then think you’ve had it personally...

Just seen the fb thing. He’s pathetic- I’m not even friends with bf on Fb and don’t care but sounds like he has gone to “settling down” very early. I split from my husband because we had just be one friends and lost all passion. Wanted to give each other the chance to find it with someone else. Which thankfully we have both done. But no way would I have gone from one dull relationship to another! My bf makes me feel incredible every second of every day and I’ve never had that before. That’s what I need and wouldn’t have accepted anything less. I don’t say this often but I think this one is over and you should find someone else - 8 months isn’t long at all

@toobusytothink thank you. Happy to read that you and your husband both found what you needed.

That's just it, it's such a new relationship at 8 months. It did feel like we were more like good friends who held hands. It's such a shame.

OP, my late PILs consulted me in their 80’s, most upset because FIL had developed erectile dysfunction! I was able to reassure them it was due to his recently started beta blockers, and they went off to his GP to get it sorted. So take heart- a happy and active sex life is possible well beyond your forties. You just need a different chap. (Preferably a less flatulent one, too!)

I'm 51, bf 55, we met 4 years ago, meet up a couple of times a week and it would be unusual for us not to sleep together - only really happens if one is ill or something! If we go to bed and fall straight asleep it's because we've already been at it earlier in the day and are knackered. He wants sex and is smart enough to know that loud farting is not a turn-on.

Neither of us would sit looking at our phone for long as that feels rude rude when you have arranged to meet up, and have all the rest of the week to look on social meda.

Your guy sounds like he misses the late days of his marriage, when they were like housemates, and just wants to go back to that. Fair enough - there must be some women out there who'd just like a companion to watch TV with of an evening.

Shame he doesn't even understand that you're not blaming him, just pointing out that you're incompatible.

This man sounds like my ex (both mid 40s) , a few months in and he just wanted to eat takeaways and watch tv/ play on his phone. I explained that wasn't enough for me despite getting on brilliantly and him being a lovely person, but I think he is just lazy.
Thankfully I went on to meet someone amazing who makes me feel like a goddess no matter what I actually look like and we are very passionate.
Don't waste time with people who don't think you are worth making an effort for, life's too short. Good luck and have fun whether you meet someone else or stay single