I’m living with a man child

[SquirrelForDinner]

Please help me get some perspective here.

Before Covid, I worked at home 1 day a week and ad hoc days. We have a 3 bed house, two bigger rooms and a smaller. DS is in the tiny room (with plans to move him to second biggest at school age). The second room was for books, storage, doubled as a guest room and had my desk.

Since Covid, DP’s ever so important job meant he took the office. I am at dining room table. His job is also too important to care for DS (no spaces on nursery for the day and he was previously at playgroup - I only work half day), so I have to entertain him whilst working. DS went into DP’s room today and he went ballistic at him, and then me. Meanwhile I’ll be in meetings and have DS’s head pop in and I just apologise and carry on.

For the third time this week I’ve gone into the spare room and his fucking hobby stuff is everywhere (and I mean everywhere). He puts together models and has 1000s of the things. I walk in - can’t get to the wash basket, can’t open the wardrobe, get to the book shelf, the window. Can’t use the desk when he’s not as it’s all over it. And he acts so entitled about it like he deserves that space (where the fuck is ‘my’ space then!?). Then there’s washing from 2 days ago I asked him to put away but he’s just put the wash basket at the back and I can’t even reach it! And to make matters worse, when he’s not taking calls he’s literally sitting painting his fucking toys whilst I’m working full out each and every day but I don’t get a ‘dedicated’ space for it.

I’ve reminded him that it’s actually a shared space AND will be DS’s room (I’m looking to redecorate over summer) and he still acts entitled and complains that DS doesn’t need a bigger room (which I’ve pointed out repeatedly that he does so I can move his toys out of the living/diner).

So for 3 days in the past week where he could have been helping with chores, he’s been tidying his room again. I can’t cope with it anymore. He’s so fucking entitled and honestly I feel like I’m in a relationship with a teenager.

There’s other issues - no input on life admin - i.e DS school application, decorating or gardening, meal planning, days out. I have bought EVERY item of furniture, appliance or general things for the house, all of DS’s clothes. Everything. I ask him to be involved, he doesn’t, and then when there’s an argument he says ‘it doesn’t feel like my home because I’ve had no input’. He hides chocolates and sweets (like regularly buys himself multipacks and instead of sharing, scoffs the lot and hides the rubbish in his pockets - he’s gone from average sized to very obese in about 4 years). He’s glued to his phone and his model groups on FB. He seems to be on constant toilet breaks when with DS (for a long time, on his phone) and spends most of his time doing what he wants and ‘trying’ to get DS involved rather than the other way around. He can’t do ANYTHING without being plugged in (like if I ask him to take the bins out he can’t until he’s got his headphones on), and of course, I need to directly tell him what he needs to do and he even asks for chore lists, because he can’t figure any of it out himself.

Honestly, I’m at the end of my tether now and don’t think I can cope anymore. DS made a mess earlier and when I raised it, not only did he put all his toys away but got the dustpan out to clean up without me giving specific orders (he’s 3!). DP on the other hand argues about it, makes it difficult and needs me to break everything down in to mini bite size instructions because he doesn’t get what something like ‘can you clean the kitchen’ entails.

He has his nice points too, but I’m starting to lose them somewhere and I don’t think I can cope anymore. What do I do? Is any of this salvageable?

Sorry, that was quite long. Just realised I didn’t clarify the job thing. DS is at nursery most of the time but there’s a day I worked half day at home and used to put him in playgroup. That’s since closed, I can’t get a nursery place so he’s at home for that half day.

For reference with the ‘very important role’ - he’s customer facing and takes calls. My role is internal but I do take medical calls (so confidential). I am part time but I earn more FTE (it’s about the same actual take home). Neither of us are particularly high earners though. Average, I guess.

Op you forgot to use capital letters..his Very Important Job.

He is a prize twat. I would be boxing up his boy toys and making way for the actual dc to move in there.
Or suggest he buys a shed and moves his stuff and himself into that.

Funnily enough, we have a perfectly good garage and just needs electrics sorted. He could use that. But instead of being proactive about it he just tells me expectantly and does nothing. It’s the exact type of behaviour I would expect from an entitled 13 year old. He’s 32 FFS! He has a day off next week and has arranged a game to play with his models (God forbid there’s anything around the house that needs sorting). I also have that day off so I’m tempted to do it myself and move the lot into the garden. He’ll be furious though.

I had an ex who thought he had a Very Important Job which excused him from doing any household chores when he was being busy and important. He also seemed to genuinely believe he did half of the life admin. Spoiler: he had a regular job, regular income and did about 10% of the housework/life admin

Luckily we never married or had kids so it was easyish to leave when I realised he would never change and that a child would not be his priority.

Only you know if it’s salvageable, good luck

Don't you know that you are the little female slave?

Get rid! He sounds awful.

Dump the fucker. You know it will never change.

Get rid he is a cock womble. Buying sweets and hiding them geez what age is he. You deserve so much better.

Another one saying get rid, he won't change.

Oh my. Is he 13?

Please get rid. Don’t look back.

I think quite rightly you have lost respect for him and it’s very hard after that to maintain the relationship.

I would ask him to move out for sure

What on earth is the point of him?

Do you find him attractive? Because I'm repulsed just hearing about him. Hopefully he has a solid gold cock to make up for it.

If not, what on earth are you doing with him?

How long have you been together? The obesity and models suggest he has an addicted personality. Has he ever been able to discuss his feelings? What would happen if you tried to communicate and said things had to change?

However his behaviour is not acceptable. He is acting like a teen and that's so unattractive, over time it fosters resentment which ends relationships.

God he sounds like a bore. He sounds like someone who should love by himself in his own filth, with his stupid models everywhere. I find the idea of constantly wearing headphones rather pathetic too, he’s hardly helping your ds develop his language skills is he? I would ask him to leave.

I'd be collecting up his little toys up, and having a little bonfire in the garden. First.

Then I'd be letting him know that his own 3yo DC knows how to clean up after himself, unlike him.

Then, tell him to get the fuck out. And remind him that he'll be responsible for DC 50% of the time ON HIS OWN.

A short sharp.shock is what he needs. If this doesn't work then agree with everyone, he's not going to change and you deserve better.

I divorced my man child a decade ago and it was the best decision I've ever made. I've since found a new one who is a fully capable adult. They do exist.

Hard pass. Sounds like you have two children. How unattractive. He just sounds beyond selfish.

I wouldn't be able to hold my tongue I would have asked him how old he was and gone on full on rant about his behaviour and then slung his toys out and then him.

What on earth is the point of this man being in your life at all?. Why is your relationship bar so bloody low to start with?. And what did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.

What do you get out of this relationship with said manchild?. He is a selfish CF who has not and will not change. He has things just how he likes them and there is no room for either you or his child.

Re your DS too, what do you want to teach him about relationships?. Would you be wanting him to treat his spouse or partner as a skivvy too?. You're showing your child that currently at least this is still acceptable to you.

My DH models as well. It's become a huge thing over lockdown, I know loads of people have got back into it.

To put it in perspective, we're also trying to work from home with kids in a small house. He models in our bedroom. Everything HAS to go away, he has boxes for it all. I'm not having it everywhere all the time. He does it when the kids are otherwise amused or in the evenings, and it's all tidied away at the end.

Hobbies are one thing. Treating it like it's the be all and end all, and he deserves a massive space to do it, and do it all the time, is just selfish and childish.

And that's without getting into the utter childishness of not wanting to be involved in the house...

I'd be at the end of my tether if I were you. It's down to that old chestnut, what's the point of him in your relationship and your family?

You’re acting like as a bystander in your relationship. His job isn’t more important than yours it’s that he and you have chosen to act like it is. Take back the power you’ve surrendered to this entitled twat and stop waiting for him to be less of a twat.

You have a role in your relationship dynamic with this man, only you can change that role to be a more active one.

I had one of these. Lovely friend — still see him on social occasions and at DS’s house and it’s always a pleasure — but terrible husband. He was also awful with money and (as became apparent later on) spent all of mine as well as his own. When DS had gone to university and moved in with his now DW, I left.

Do I regret staying for that long? I can’t honestly say. But I know I’m infinitely happier now.

Why do you stay with him? Do you want to be with a man child for the next 60 years?

This isnt how a partnership works... what do you get out if this relationship except hassle. He sounds very boring... wheres his drive to do anything family related?

Leave, for godsake leave.

He’s a waste of space
Dump him