DH & I more like housemates after 20+ years - is there a way back?

[BeenGoneAWhile]

So DH and I have been together for 22 years, married for 16, 3 DC (15, 13 & 9).
He’s a good guy, great dad, works hard, pulls his weight when home, all good.

I just feel we’ve morphed into housemates that happen to share a bedroom more than anything else.

He was very ill a while back, in and out of hospital for over a year. It’s left him with some long term health issues. These (or the meds) seem to have made him completely lose any interest in sex. The last few times I’ve tried he’s just not been that interested and I end up in tears.
I know it’s not me but I feel completely unattractive and unwanted.

More recently I’ve started a new voluntary role, so tend to come home with stories to tell and I find he’s just not that interested, always interrupts, tries to give me solutions or tell me what I should have done. I just want to have a conversation really, download from the day.

I find myself now deliberately holding back and thinking I won’t bother telling him that, I know he’s not interested.
I don’t even try and kind of physical contact anymore.
He doesn’t either, so it’s not like I’m rebuffing him.

Ever since we had DC he’s worked away from home during the week so I’ve had to learn to be self sufficient with them and daily/weekly life.
When he was ill I think I just hardened myself to the fact he might die and turned something off in me.
This combo makes me think we’ve broken our relationship somehow.

He says he loves me (not often but when I get upset) but I honestly don’t know if I do anymore.

On a side note, my sister recently got divorced (it’s a good thing as her DH was a CF) and I find myself envying her single lifestyle. Even though I know she’s been lonely in lockdown.

I don’t feel I have any RL friends I can confide in as they’re all his friends too. I don’t really know what I want from this but...

Has anyone ever rekindled love once it felt like it had died?

Anyone have any tips for fixing things, or do you think it’s too far gone?

I am sorry your going through a hard time right now, I can't offer any advice but I do have a question. When you tried being intimate before and he had no interest how did he handle it? You said you ended up crying did he know that and what did he say/do? Is the lack of sex a possible side effect of the medication?

The fact you've said that you don't tell him things it sounds like he dismisses you when you try to talk about things?

Its a hard situation and hopefully someone thats been through this will chime in soon.

If I get upset he says he’s sorry and that he loves me and I’m not unsexy etc etc, but his body just isn’t interested. I do think it was a meds issue at one point, then he changed meds and it seemed to improve a little bit then stopped again. It hardly ever happens tbh. I get into bed and go to sleep and now don’t even think about trying anything.
It just depresses me so I prefer not to even try.

The thing is as well is I hate confrontation, the kids are always around and the only time I ever get up the courage to talk about anything is kate at night, often after wine. I know this doesn’t help one bit and yet can’t seem to ever manage a discussion any other time.
I know he’d rather not have these kinds of talks either and just doesn’t seem bothered by lack of sex at all.

Even if I make reference to him not wanting to listen, he’ll say he does but then he just doesn’t, or we get interrupted or whatever. I don’t feel like I have the energy to push it anymore and just retreat.

Last week I just went to bed for a few hours in the afternoon as I couldn’t cope with not talking but he didn’t want to talk.

So how do you actually feel about him? do you love him but are just not in love with him perhaps? Do you think he would be interested in some marriage counselling?

Its a difficult situation for you to be in as you do seem to want to find a way forward and I think you should give yourself some credit for that. How was his sex drive before he was ill? I mean if he still finds you sexy then I would think he would want to but it could be something medical at this stage stunting his libido or his ability but I'm only guessing here.

Maybe you need to initiate the tougher conversation. What would happen if you said that this is no way to live as far as you are concerned and how would he feel about a separation? He doesn't sound as if he takes your needs very seriously.

I think you’re right, I love him in some ways but don’t feel in love, not like I used to, maybe that always happens but when I see old couples holding hands I think oh I hope we’ll be like that then I remember we don’t even hold hands now.

Counselling is an idea I’ve had, feel uncomfortable talking about this even online so not sure how it would go with a counsellor - plus assume covid has buggered that up like everything else atm so could be tricky to arrange, definitely couldn’t do it over zoom!

I think that I think there’s a problem, and he just hopes it’ll all work out in the end, if we have a row then it feels like if he just keeps his head down I’ll get over it and it’ll all go back to normal. And cos I can’t keep up every day going over the same ground it does go back to normal for a while so he’s right in a way.
But it feels like we’re growing further apart all the time, not sure if it’s gone too far already.

Cowbells - I don’t think he does take it seriously. I’ve said things like one day you’ll feel like talking about it, or sex or whatever, and I won’t be here anymore. I can’t wait forever for you. But then I think didn’t I say for better for worse, sickness and health and all that.

And life is otherwise good really, he’s just bought me a g&t, him and Dd are cooking dinner. To anyone else it’s domestic bliss. I’m just the grump in the corner!

I almost feel like I could have written your post, except 'd'h and I don't even share a bedroom and have not done for some years.

On the surface, he's my best friend, perfect husband - cleans up around the house, brilliant father, we can sit up late into the night discussing all manner of things. I know absolutely he loves me and would do anything for me.

However, during the entire last year, he's rarely (if ever) made time to e.g. go for walks together or simply have fun together. We've had sexual contact only once in the last 12 months (and it's even longer since we've had intercourse). We hug, but don't kiss other than pecks on the cheek. We are friends and very close friends at that, but still friends. I'm unsure whether I'm supposed to settle for this. I've tried to talk to him and things improve briefly, but I still feel very lonely. Then I get unsure whether I should be doing more, trying more. We don't argue, so things are not awful and that in itself makes me feel guilty for wanting to leave. I'm just very, very confused.

Lonely - that is what it is, very lonely 😞

We do argue a bit, but it mostly feels like me nagging him, for not listening to me. I feel like a terrible wife for not being happy ‘settling’ for this and just being happy with what I have. We don’t really talk properly anymore as I just feel he isn’t listening. He does work hard, and often gets work calls out of hours so has to go and deal with that. Or just falls asleep.

We rarely kiss anyway, if we do it’s a peck like you say. I haven’t had a romantic kiss for an unknown amount of time.

Also, I feel like I have a libido now, post kids & bf for years, but he doesn’t.
Then I’m going to hit menopause and have none either. What kind of pair will we make then!

I’d just like to be with someone who makes me feel wanted, and makes me want them too. I’m only in my 40s, and it feels like this is it, which is dramatic i know.

I'm in also in my 40's (mid 40s), but very fit and active. H isn't really interested in being active and has no interest in a hobby I spend a lot of my time doing. I used to feel like I was nagging all the time, now I just can't be bothered. I just go and do things by myself rather than nagging. I got fed up of hearing him saying, "everything I do is wrong".

H used to spend a lot of time sleeping in the evenings, but thanks to working from home he does now stay awake later without his long commute.

I feel like I should be making more of an effort to make things work, but he doesn't even seem to see a problem.

If was so ill that it might have been terminal he could have been left with permanent physical and/or psychological damage that has destroyed his libido. But that should not prevent him engaging with your issue - which is valid. There are, after all, ways which do not necessarily involve arousal on his part. In your circumstances he should be willing to consider all options, it is not reasonable of him to impose celibacy on you, illness notwithstanding.

Lonely - that phrase is said a lot by him in this house too. And makes me feel like I’m just a nag.

Another - thanks, I think back to pg and bf days and I know I wasn’t often up for it but hope I showed enough willing not to make him feel like I feel now.
The thought of never again - well it’s pretty crap tbh.

I know he has some mental health issues leftover from his ill health, mainly that if he feels at all unwell he panics. He’s had panic attacks and went on ADs for a while (didn't actually tell me for several weeks which upset me). Equally he doesn’t help himself and that infuriates me.
As soon as he mentions not feeling well I just get cross. I’m a terrible nurse!!

I guess the real question is, do you want a way back? It's a question I'm not sure I can answer myself at the moment, so I'm just plodding along not really satisfied, but not really addressing the issues either. I know my youngest would be heartbroken if we split and H is not British, so there's a good chance he would not remain in the UK if we split. It's difficult when there's no-one IRL to talk to about it. I don't even dare admit how I'm feeling to my oldest and most trusted friends!!

It’s a tricky one and believe me as I’ve been there, leaving and starting again is an absolute minefield.

I read your post and assumed you were in your late 60s. I was shocked to read you’re the same age as me. Not that anyone should accept feeling lonely at any age but Christ you have a ton of life to live!

It’s scary being alone - I’ve been divorced before, my ex dh left me for an ex (!) and I had to start all over again so it wasn’t even my own choosing but it taught me a lot about myself and I then met my now dh and 15 years or so later we are really happy. I am the one with severe long term health issues but we are a good match and I genuinely feel I would rather be on my own than stay with someone who made me feel the way you feel right now.

I think you have to have a proper heart to heart and say if things don’t really change you don’t see a way forwards. It’s not fair to you to stay like this.

I don’t feel I can be honest with anyone in rl.

I really don’t want to screw up the kids lives just because I’m not sure about things. Maybe it’s just a midlife crisis.

I always pictured us growing old together and there is this assumption we’ll be together forever. When I’m out and talking about home life I feel more loving, then come home and he does something stupid* and I’m all fed up again.

I’d like a way back but I feel that it’s impossible right now. I can’t see a way to get back to an easy loving caring situation.

A friend lost her husband to covid recently and I feel so selfish having a moan when they so clearly loved each other and I’m just full of niggles and complaints.

• this covers a multitude of things which make me completely unreasonable I know, including eating in my earshot (even in a different room), not hearing what I’ve said (again), asking a question which shows he wasn’t listening to something I said earlier, getting in my way waking round the house! It’s ridiculous I know.

We are due to restart long held up building works next week so the house is chaotic, add in lockdowns and him wfh a lot - I’m used to him being away so have found it hard having no space or time alone.

Goodness what a complicated situation. Not easily solvable.

Hchy4- thanks for replying, sorry you’ve been through a tough time too x

Bagels - I do feel we need a proper conversation, it’s so hard to do and also logistically hard to arrange, but just because it’s hard doesn’t mean I should put it off - until the next time I’ve drunk too much and get emotional as I think he thinks I’m just being over emotional then and doesn’t take me seriously.

Thanks Oblomov, it does feel complicated. I wish I could see ahead and see if we’re the same in 20More years in which case I’m out now! Sorry kids. Or if we’ve managed to chart a path back to somehow acting like we like each other, even love each other a bit more than currently.

I need to stop sniping and nagging and he needs to do something. He did start some counselling pre covid, that might be an option pre couples counselling at least.

As others have said - the real question is what do you want and where do you see it going? Of course there’s a way back, but it could (probably will) be very hard work and require lots of join effort, honesty and discussion. I think you could both benefit from some counselling if you acknowledge the problem, decide you want to fix it and tackle it head on. Good luck, and I’m sorry you’re so sad about everything

I am in a similar situation. DH had an emotional affair followed by a breakdown in 2013 went on ADs and since then we’ve had sex less than 5 times and not for 3 years. I know the ADs affect libido but there is no recognition of the effect on our relationship. I too get drunk occasionally and try and talk but nothing changes. DH says he loves me but obviously not enough to talk to the doctors about different medication etc. No answers but I understand how you feel. I’m in my 50s now and it feels like I should have made a move 5 years ago so don’t leave it too long.

Parts of your post resonate with me op. Slightly different scenario with essentially a similar outcome.

I am awaiting some therapy/counselling. It all looks blissful on the outside and like you, I am unable to bring myself to tell anyone in real life how it actually is. I know in my case, I am perimenopausal (in my 40's and yes, my libido has taken a massive hit which added to our existing issues). I also feel irritable about certain things too. Dc in the mix. I feel confused and extremely alone. I really can relate to the 'lonely feeling'. I have a fear of being lonely/abandonment which is compounding everything and as one poster said, I can imagine starting all over again to be a minefield. Sorry, nothing to add just that I can relate to this.

Just re-read your post and wondered if the lack of sex/romance is hardest thing for you or the lack of an emotional connection between you beyond running a house together? It sounds like the lack of physical connection plays a bigger role but later it sounds like it’s almost a change in personality in him following his illness. If you can narrow down the specifics of what’s changed it might help you figure out what you want. Don’t let your sister ‘s situation influence you either - everyone else’s life always sounds much better than yours...until you’re living in their shoes. That doesn’t mean you should carry on being miserable, just that you should only focus on yourself for the time being!

Thanks all, sorry there are more of you feeling similar xxx

I know my sisters thing is a bit of a red herring just fresh right now as she’s moved into a new flat, all of her own choosing, she has her kids one week on then one week off, and I can’t help but envy some of that!

I think it’s the emotional connection that bothers me more, the whole housemates vibe I started with really.

I’m not bringing it up tonight as there has been wine, and currently all is calm, but I will take everything on board and see if we can carve out some time tomorrow for a walk or something. Thanks all.

I wonder whether it might be easier to deal with this together by not framing it as a sex issue but as needing more fun..? Also, something I have found really helps is for you to do your own thing A LOT as well. More things are opening up again soon, are there things you have always wanted to do that you could get into? I saw an Esther Perel TED talk that really seemed true to me - to desire your partner, often you need to see them as a separate entity, someone who is good at things, and you admire them. Could work for both of you to see that in each other. Then he's not that same-old guy who is bumping into in the house and eating too noisily?! Familiarity breeds contempt, and all that...

Also, I totally get the envy of single people. When you have relationship probs it all looks so great being single. I have to admit, I totally loved living alone and having child free nights after a breakup with DC's dad. However, like you said - that doesn't mean that you have to break up. Sounds like after his illness there have been problems but that there is love there? I don't know.

I just find how do you even bring it up when H is in such denial as to any issues at all? Personally I think I'd be quite happy if H was still in my life as a (very close) friend and I had an independent life of that too. It's what I'm doing now anyway but it seems like such a large step to formalise what I'm already thinking (and H isn't ready for). I don't want to hurt anyone, but I don't want to just stagger on like this either.