DH & I more like housemates after 20+ years - is there a way back?

[BeenGoneAWhile]

So DH and I have been together for 22 years, married for 16, 3 DC (15, 13 & 9).
He’s a good guy, great dad, works hard, pulls his weight when home, all good.

I just feel we’ve morphed into housemates that happen to share a bedroom more than anything else.

He was very ill a while back, in and out of hospital for over a year. It’s left him with some long term health issues. These (or the meds) seem to have made him completely lose any interest in sex. The last few times I’ve tried he’s just not been that interested and I end up in tears.
I know it’s not me but I feel completely unattractive and unwanted.

More recently I’ve started a new voluntary role, so tend to come home with stories to tell and I find he’s just not that interested, always interrupts, tries to give me solutions or tell me what I should have done. I just want to have a conversation really, download from the day.

I find myself now deliberately holding back and thinking I won’t bother telling him that, I know he’s not interested.
I don’t even try and kind of physical contact anymore.
He doesn’t either, so it’s not like I’m rebuffing him.

Ever since we had DC he’s worked away from home during the week so I’ve had to learn to be self sufficient with them and daily/weekly life.
When he was ill I think I just hardened myself to the fact he might die and turned something off in me.
This combo makes me think we’ve broken our relationship somehow.

He says he loves me (not often but when I get upset) but I honestly don’t know if I do anymore.

On a side note, my sister recently got divorced (it’s a good thing as her DH was a CF) and I find myself envying her single lifestyle. Even though I know she’s been lonely in lockdown.

I don’t feel I have any RL friends I can confide in as they’re all his friends too. I don’t really know what I want from this but...

Has anyone ever rekindled love once it felt like it had died?

Anyone have any tips for fixing things, or do you think it’s too far gone?

I wouldn't give up yet, but if you both roll along like this it won't change either. You could pursue counselling separately as well as together. We've been together a similar length of time and there is definitely an ebb and flow to how we are together. It comes and goes, but I figure as long as it's not in a steady downwards direction it always comes good again!

Sorry for disappearing.
For a couple of weeks nothing changed and I did give up a bit.

Then we managed to get a table in a pub garden while the inlaws had the kids for a bit and after a couple of beers I laid it out for him.
I was ready to leave, apart from the kids, and couldn’t see why I should stay. He had to get his health issues addressed if he wanted to be part of our family, etc.

It hit home and he managed to find a more specialist doctor for his issues who seems amazing. Spent over an hour with him at the first appointment, and seeing him every 2 weeks for a while.
Normally likes to see partners too to help explain some of the issues.

Turns out he basically isn’t getting any nutrition from any food he eats because of post surgery issues. So deficient in lots of vitamins, which kind of sounds woolly but is actually the cause of a lots of his problems. B12 seems to be the key one and he’s had a couple of big injections of it already with more to come. Lack of causes nerve issues which can lead to a lack of interest in sex. Along with many other effects that need addressing.

So, a couple of weeks in and things are looking better. He knows how I feel properly I think. And is being more proactive about sorting out his health without me being the chief nag.

And, this morning, we actually had sex, sorry if tmi!

I think I need to do my part of not backing off when he tries to be nice, and ignoring the annoying the niggles.

Omg - I’m so bloody pleased for you !!!
That’s a big step addressing the health and you can start to work on the other stuff.
Thanks for the update, I thought of this thread a lot. Felt desperately sorry for those “lonely” in their marriage.

Just one more comment - I really catastrophise a relationship situation without dealing with it proactively. Not saying you do the same but your point about backing off struck a chord with me.