How do you cope when OW is arguably better than you?

[justaftb]

Ex and I broke up just before Christmas. We had been together 5 years. He said we should talk about us, we'd become more like friends than a couple, things had 'fizzled out' between us. And there was truth in that, but it had been more on his side than mine. Of course, until I probed, he didn't volunteer the information that he'd been seeing someone behind my back since September. And after more probing, suspicions I had at various times over the past few years were also confirmed.

There was one woman who participated in an a sports club ex and I were part of who just stopped coming about 2 years ago. She and I got on really well. I had welcomed her into the group about 12 months previously, given her advice on equipment, etc. Made sure she knew about social events and so on. We had great conversations and really clicked. She was older than me (about 14 years, closer in age to my ex) and felt like she was someone who gave me good advice from the perspective of someone older. She suddenly stopped attending the club and cut contact with me. I knew deep down it had something to do with my ex. We didn't advertise our relationship at the club and I suspected she hadn't realised and had asked him out, he turned her down, told her he was seeing me, and then she was too embarassed to come back. It turns out that was almost what had happened. She asked him out, he said yes, they went out and only then he told her he was seeing me. She was too embarassed to come back to the club. They didn't start a 'relationship' but they stayed in contact, met for lunch a few times as her office was very near where he lives. He admitted to me that they had sporadic email contact and she would check in to see what his 'situation' was, i.e. was he single yet. I don't believe they slept together while he was still with me.

I don't believe the woman he was cheating on me with just before we broke up is going to develop into anything serious. I think he has probably already embarked on some sort of relationship with the woman above and even if he is 'playing the field' for now, she will ultimately be the one he will start to see exclusively. And it is that that kills me. She is arguably better than me in every way. She is extremely attractive, successful in a prestigious profession, has much better income than me, is interesting and intelligent, lives in a beautiful house, has access to a lovely holiday home. Of course he would prefer her to me. She is amazing. I thought she was amazing! I really, really liked her. Unbelievably, after he confirmed that yes, she had stopped coming to the club because of him, I considered contacting her to say to stop feeling guilty, she didn't know about me and him. Only after a later conversation with him did I find out that she had stayed in contact with him after the initial dinner together.

I feel like he will be proud and chuffed to be associated with her in a way he never was with me, that she is a much better 'catch'. She can offer him so much more. It makes me feel so worthless. My crappy flat and my boring job. My lack of success. I feel I have nothing to offer anyone. I know some of you might say, well at least you are a nice, honest, loyal person who doesn't cheat, unlike her, but she IS arguably a nice person, albeit one who has done something shitty. And I don't doubt she feels a bad about it, but ultimately, she probably really likes him and went with her heart in this case rather than doing the right thing.

So, yeah, how do you cope when OW is arguably better than you in almost every way?

Hi OP, firstly I am yet to read the all the thread so I appreciate pp's will have commented in a similar way. You cannot put a price on integrity and you have tons of the stuff, something neither your ex or this "fabulous" ow can claim to have even a smidgen of! Don't forget that this person is 14 years older than you and will always be older than you; so not only has she had more time to get where she is but she has to deal with the fact that your ex has just ended a relationship with a much younger woman! Also, if she's such a great person what is she doing with a cheater?
You say you liked this older lady - either you recognised similar qualities in her that you already possess or she had things about her that you would like and aspire to. That's often half the battle, knowing what you want out of life isn't it. You already sound like a lovely person just in the way you describe how much you helped her when she joined the group. The world is opening back up for all of us and in view of how impermanent we now know our day to day lives are I am hoping they'll be a lot of optimistic seizing the day going on and a fantastic time to meet new friends and maybe romantic partners!
I sort skim read a further post of yours and just going to say "comparison is truly the thief of joy." So you can knock that on the head right away! People are all at different stages and life can change for the better as well as for the worst very, very quickly.
You write you now own property - that's a huge achievement, one which a lot of people will never be able to do.
I myself have no other option but to start again in many areas of life and I am older than you, mid 40's to be exact, so please do not write your self off at early 40's.
Do you know the song "Sunscreen" by Baz Lerman?(sp?) Anyway dodgy spelling aside, there's a lot of good advice in it, light-hearted suggestion but try it!
I, personally am excited to hear what you'll do next so I hope you'll keep us posted!

You're in a great position now, op.

And she is with your deceitful ex who holds people back.

Onwards and upwards.

I think you're conflating feeling bad about not reaching your potential career wise and feeling bad because you were treated so poorly by this man. These are seperate things and you're doing yourself a disservice by allowing his bad behaviour to reinforce your view that you aren't good enough.

His cheating isn't evidence that you're somehow 'less than' and that he'll choose her because she's 'better'. All it is, is evidence that he's a faithless bastard that didn't treat you well and you're best off out of it.

You wouldn't tell a friend that her partner cheated because the OW was better, so stop telling yourself that. Him cheating isn't about your deficiency, it's just that he's weak/selfish/fundamentally flawed.

If this has made you evaluate things and serves to motivate you to reach your potential now that you know why you are where you are, great. Don't though look at this woman and feel like you 'should' be more like her. If you want those things for you, crack on, but not just because your prick ex admires these things or that society values money over kindness and morality.

I'm sure if you asked your friends they'd all have loads of things they could tell you that they envy about your life.

@thecolourpurpleandpink

Always remember op that this woman had no problem Seeing your partner behind your back knowing that he was in a relationship and knowing how kind and welcoming you were to her. That character does not a good or better woman, make . She will always wonder when he will cheat on her and never sleep peacefully again in the full knowledge of what a conceited, deceitful cheat she has hooked up with . Hand him over and be thankful that your ex has freed you for better .

I really agree with this.

You were so kind to her and how did she return that.

You sound like a very bright woman who needs to know her value.

Your ex is slime.
He's really no prize.

Whilst you are.

No woman is better than you, don’t compare yourself to anyone .

She can’t be that perfect if she’s ended up with a cheater.

Op, what is his relationship history? He seems to go from woman to woman, constantly seeking attention and then chooses women who will reflect well on him. If this is the case he is superficial and not capable of real love. You were the object of his desire once, just as these other women are now. However their turn will come.

You seem a very genuine person and empathic whereas he appears more narcisstic. He may have been quite convert but a hallmark of such a relationship is never feeling like you are worthy. Were you more confident before you met him?

One mantra I try to live by "don't be impressed by money, degrees or titles. Be impressed by kindness, integrity, humility and generosity"

It isn't your fault he wasn't committed, that is on him and he is very, very unlikely to change in his 50s.

Just as aside, OW is likely to feel quite insecure that you are much younger. If the OW is emotionally smart she will also realise he isn't the faithful type.

Well I’d rather be your friend than hers because you’re nice. She’s not. I wouldn’t trust her near my bloke. They both sound deceitful. I think you deserve somebody lovely and wonderful and you should hold out for that. Not everyone in life has all the things she has but there are millions of super happy people. Having decent friends and trust and loyalty and happiness is key. You’re never going to be happy hooked up with a liar.

Fellow late diagnosed ADHDer here. I was diagnosed at 52 only because my daughter was diagnosed and I was exactly the same as her. Women tend to have the inattentive or impulsive versions which don’t get picked up when we are young. When you first try the meds it’s amazing, you suddenly realise what it must be like to be able to focus, follow through, stay on message etc etc. Then sometimes comes the regret that one may have spent years being told or believing that one is lazy and/or stupid. The initial boost from the medication does fade and there is some tinkering about to be done with the type and dose. What I found is that meds are not the total solution, it’s also really helpful to get some ADHD specific coaching, to help organise the newly primed brain. The other thing that’s a real issue for many adults with ADHD is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria which is really acute emotional pain felt when criticised or rejected; whether that’s a chemical thing or as a result of the person with ADHD just feeling exhausted by the negative feedback we tend to get, I’m not sure. But maybe you are feeling this “rejection” particularly acutely. I have been extremely self critical and disappointed with myself and what I’ve achieved but I realise that I haven’t done badly as it goes, and I am sure you’re the same, so try not to be so hard on yourself.

But what I really want to say is that it’s a fallacy to measure your “value” against her’s or anyone else’s. Humans by their very nature can’t be compared. We have worth by our very existence and how will you measure her value against your own? What makes one human better than another? What’s the barometer of this? A better job? Nicer car? Confidence? Education? The answer is none of those, it’s unmeasurable.

Please @justaftb reassess yourself and what “achievement” is. Perhaps it’s being a gracious, generous, thoughtful and intelligent person (as you sound) who has managed to muddle through with an undiagnosed neuro-diversity? Perhaps she was dealt an easier hand of cards than you (not that it matters).

I agree with others, you ex has behaved shoddily, but that is not a reflection on you. She has behaved in a pretty suspect way, and that’s not a reflection on you either. @ThatOtherPoster is right, you’re on the cusp of greatness, go and shine (even if you are messy and can never find your car keys !

It is not easy going through break up but its harder when their is another woman involved. You said about all she has compared to you but she has had 14 years ahead of you re work, jobs and income. Perhaps she has a good lifestyle but a large mortgage and is in a lot of debit.

If your ex partner was 14 years plus older than you its possible you could have end up dealing with his health issues and being his career when your still a young woman.

A few years ago I watched a friend of mine go through a similar situation to you. He regarded his younger ow as better than my friend. His ow got pregnant within a few months of him telling my friend it was over between them. He then decided to tell my friend all the things that were wrong with her but he forgot to mention his new woman was waiting for him.

Within a few years my friend saw and heard a few things about him and her.
My friend saw his house for sale online and heard later he moved to X area - cheaper house in a not great area. He changed jobs to avoid a low redundancy payment. His partner turned out not to have a great job but enjoys spending money. She leaves the child with him a lot due to her job. He now also has a number of health issues because he refused to listen to my friends advice and medical advice.

Meanwhile my friend is in a good place. She has a regular income and no debit. I know my friend will be getting 3 inheritances in time. I know one of them will be over 120k and others could be around 30k plus.

I have seen people who say 10 to 15 years ago were in the crappy job/crappy flat going from that to being in a far better position than they ever thought possible. Maybe now the time to look into changing jobs or getting further qualifications to move into a better paid work area.
I had a few things that fell through, did not work out and a few job rejects but in time better things came my way.

Thanks again everyone. Lots of stuff I needed to hear. And lots of stuff I know, but needed to be reminded of: Comparison is the thief of joy, for sure.

It's been really therapeutic writing the post and reading the replies. And my gut reactions to some of the replies have helped me crystalise my feelings about all of this.

MarshmallowAra made a great point - I don't even know that they are together. That's absolutely true. But there have been maybe 3 times in my life where my 'Spidey' senses were so, so strong about something that subsequently proved to be true and my Spidey senses are currently on fire. Something will happen/has happened between them as a result of me and him not being together. It may not last long. It may not be something serious. But I know they will give it a shot. But they have had at least an emotional affair. They hid the fact that they met up a few times and were in contact with each other.(And that's only what he disclosed to me. He may have been economical with the details.) I'm not really fixated on her, I'm just jealous . I don't envy her material things, but I envy the fact that she is good at something (and that has afforded her nice material things) and I know that he admired her talent (he has done quite nicely for himself so he's not after her stuff) and I wish I had an admirable talent or skill. And the reason I focused on her in my original post was because I guess I really liked her. The other pre-Xmas affair, meh.

Maybe I was wrong to speak about her in the original post, as really, after reading everything, it's all about how I feel about myself rather than her.

I didn't post to make myself feel better by hearing others say she is a terrible person. I really don't think she is. She's a person living her life who in this case made a decision that was self-interested and hurt me and who knows why she did that. When we used to talk, she would clam up if conversation strayed towards her previous marriage and her ex-husband. It was a no-go topic. She mentioned once that her teenage son would have nothing to do with his father. Obviously something bad happened there - cheating, violence, worse? Maybe my ex was the first person she'd felt something strongly for in a long time, maybe she felt like they'd really clicked and she had to see if it might go somewhere even if it was deeply hurtful to me. (And you may think that if she was extremely hurt by her ex-husband, it makes it even worse that she would embark on something that would hurt another woman. But, you know, life, it's complicated, messy, people make shitty decisions all the time. There are probably perfectly nice people reading this thread who have also made shitty, hurtful decisions at some point. That shouldn't define them.)

And he has done shitty things, and he has hurt me terribly, but I also know him well enough and know enough about his background to see what drives certain aspects of his behaviour. Things I know about him don't excuse the terrible self-interested decisions he makes, but they do explain it. He is a master of compartmentalising and remaining detached. We did have some very good times. Dating him probably wasn't the greatest decision of my life, but I wouldn't have dated an out and out asshole. If it hadn't been for the cheating, I would have wanted to be friends after breaking up. Ultimately, I feel sorry for him, because I know I have a much better chance of happiness/contentment in life than he does. @Fireflygal - you described him and his relationship history perfectly. I know he will continue to behave in the same way, but I also know that he is ashamed of himself because he is not the person he projects himself to be. I do believe those two things can be true at one - knowing the thing you are doing is wrong, but continuing to do it.

More generally, I don't subscribe to the 'If she's that great, she'd be snapped up' thinking. I know many great single people and people who were single for years before they met 'the one'. I've been single more than I've been coupled up and know there are a multitude of reasons why people are single at any given time. (And don't we all know people where it is an absolute mystery how they managed to snag a longterm relationship?) And there actually doesn't need to be a reason. People can be single. End of. It doesn't make them more or less. And again, generally, I don't want to bash people, even people that have hurt me. I want to be able to see the shades of grey, the nuance. (Argh...now I feel bad that I may have hurt the feelings of anyone who tried to cheer me up by saying 'she's not all that/he's a dick'. I appreciate all the input! I know your intentions were good.)

I know that I need to concentrate on me now. Other peoples behaviour is out of my control and always has been. Thank you all for helping me remember that.

(I know some people on MN hate looooooooooooooong posts. That is much longer than I intended it to be! Is it any wonder I haven't scaled the greasy corporate ladder when I spend most of a Friday afternoon writing long posts on MN?

@YouokHun - thanks for giving me your insight on ADHD. It's kind of a pity the two things have coincided - the break up and the diagnosis. The break up has really distracted me and doesn't help with focus. So, the meds might be effective if my mood was otherwise normal, but I am juggling normal break up feelings. Posting today and talking this through has helped. I feel better already, that I can put some of those feelings to bed and just spend this weekend setting myself up for the coming week. I have lots of books about ADHD that I've been meaning to read.....

Or 'I've loads of books about adhd that I've been meaning to...oh look a butterfly!'

Funnily you should mention adhd as I was just wondering about it myself op. I wouldnt say I have a problem with focus but when theres a lot of things to do I can't seem to just pick one damn thing and stick to it. So I end up doing none of it.

Mind you I think I might just be bone idle xD

@Wanderlusto - Ha! I think one could have ADHD AND be bone idle. That could easily describe me. If I didn't have to earn a living and if I could pay someone to take care of my admin and cleaning, I wouldn't bother with the medication. The ADHD in itself isn't a problem. I'd bumble through life, focus on the thing that interested me for 5 minutes and then move on to the next thing. It's what I've done for most of my life. But then the prospect of a destitute old age started becoming more and more of a reality. There is no inheritance looming. Nada. I do not come from a family where there will be anything to distribute when my parents pass away (and I fully support them squandering whatever means they have on themselves). I am solely responsible for myself. But if I win the Lottery.....

Have to say thats my worry too lately. I'm generally a happy, take each day as it comes person but I've completely neglected any kind of career ambition and I'm not getting any younger. And lately its been hitting me I'm going to end up potless in my old age if I dont pull my finger out and do something proper.

And yet tbh part of me also just wants to go travelling and hit some parties before resigning myself to a life I'm only doing because I'm 'supposed to'. Not doable in current times though I suppose.

But heyho, we'll figure it out...probably...maybe take a nap first...watch some tv, whatever xD

The only comparison to be made is that you both deserve better than him.

@justaftb, what a compassionate post. You really deserve better but you might want to ensure that your good nature isn't open to abuse. Not everyone is as generous and kind as you seem to be. Life has taught me that I need to be less trusting and not waste my energy on those who don't truly value me.

I have no doubt you are empathic and highly intuitive so keep trusting your instincts.

[quote justaftb]@YouokHun - thanks for giving me your insight on ADHD. It's kind of a pity the two things have coincided - the break up and the diagnosis. The break up has really distracted me and doesn't help with focus. So, the meds might be effective if my mood was otherwise normal, but I am juggling normal break up feelings. Posting today and talking this through has helped. I feel better already, that I can put some of those feelings to bed and just spend this weekend setting myself up for the coming week. I have lots of books about ADHD that I've been meaning to read.....[/quote]
I’ve had a similar thing in that I suffered a blow at the point of diagnosis. I had my diagnosis about a month before the first lockdown which also coincided with my DF getting a terminal diagnosis, so it felt like the golden opportunity to make changes was snatched away by all the worry and anticipatory grief. My father died two weeks ago and it’s been a hard road. Now I look back I realise that the meds (Elvanse in my case) have made a difference to my ability to focus and not to be overwhelmed and scatter-brained. The days I didn’t take my meds were meltdown days. So though I’ve been in a very difficult situation and am not happy, the diagnosis has helped me and I realise that I have made changes and improved my executive functioning and some impulsiveness, but it’s not been as dramatic or a quick as I would have liked but the bad situation in my life hasn’t cancelled out the positives iyswim.

I’m glad you feel a bit better and feel you can put those feelings to bed and press on.

Have you seen the ADDitude site? They have some quite good bite size articles and info, if the books are too onerous (I'm the same!).