How do you cope when OW is arguably better than you?

[justaftb]

Ex and I broke up just before Christmas. We had been together 5 years. He said we should talk about us, we'd become more like friends than a couple, things had 'fizzled out' between us. And there was truth in that, but it had been more on his side than mine. Of course, until I probed, he didn't volunteer the information that he'd been seeing someone behind my back since September. And after more probing, suspicions I had at various times over the past few years were also confirmed.

There was one woman who participated in an a sports club ex and I were part of who just stopped coming about 2 years ago. She and I got on really well. I had welcomed her into the group about 12 months previously, given her advice on equipment, etc. Made sure she knew about social events and so on. We had great conversations and really clicked. She was older than me (about 14 years, closer in age to my ex) and felt like she was someone who gave me good advice from the perspective of someone older. She suddenly stopped attending the club and cut contact with me. I knew deep down it had something to do with my ex. We didn't advertise our relationship at the club and I suspected she hadn't realised and had asked him out, he turned her down, told her he was seeing me, and then she was too embarassed to come back. It turns out that was almost what had happened. She asked him out, he said yes, they went out and only then he told her he was seeing me. She was too embarassed to come back to the club. They didn't start a 'relationship' but they stayed in contact, met for lunch a few times as her office was very near where he lives. He admitted to me that they had sporadic email contact and she would check in to see what his 'situation' was, i.e. was he single yet. I don't believe they slept together while he was still with me.

I don't believe the woman he was cheating on me with just before we broke up is going to develop into anything serious. I think he has probably already embarked on some sort of relationship with the woman above and even if he is 'playing the field' for now, she will ultimately be the one he will start to see exclusively. And it is that that kills me. She is arguably better than me in every way. She is extremely attractive, successful in a prestigious profession, has much better income than me, is interesting and intelligent, lives in a beautiful house, has access to a lovely holiday home. Of course he would prefer her to me. She is amazing. I thought she was amazing! I really, really liked her. Unbelievably, after he confirmed that yes, she had stopped coming to the club because of him, I considered contacting her to say to stop feeling guilty, she didn't know about me and him. Only after a later conversation with him did I find out that she had stayed in contact with him after the initial dinner together.

I feel like he will be proud and chuffed to be associated with her in a way he never was with me, that she is a much better 'catch'. She can offer him so much more. It makes me feel so worthless. My crappy flat and my boring job. My lack of success. I feel I have nothing to offer anyone. I know some of you might say, well at least you are a nice, honest, loyal person who doesn't cheat, unlike her, but she IS arguably a nice person, albeit one who has done something shitty. And I don't doubt she feels a bad about it, but ultimately, she probably really likes him and went with her heart in this case rather than doing the right thing.

So, yeah, how do you cope when OW is arguably better than you in almost every way?

Nobody... and I mean NOBODY is better than you. They say comparison is the thief of joy for a reason.

And even if you want me to indulge the comparison for a moment... you have no idea what she is like behind closed doors. Her properties could be heavily mortgaged, she could suffer with depression, anxiety, OCD, anger issues, addiction or all of the above. She could be desperately unhappy. She could have all kinds of embarrassing health issues, habits etc.

And if she actually is so bloody great, who says she will want to be with your ex in the long run? Sounds like she could do better!

You have absolutely no idea because none of us do really.

As to the other woman, some people are slagging her off but all ages done is stay in contact and check if he's still in a relationship/not single. She's not gotten involved in anything with him.

It's s bit silly given she knows he accepted an invite to go on a date with her while in a a relationship .. he should have told her straight off, without meeting her like that, that he was in a relationship. It doesn't reflect well in him at all, so she's foolish to stay in contact and consider getting involved with him, but ...

She'll also know, presumably, they he got involved with someone else, not her, and left his relationship with you for that; again she's be foolish to ignore that. That he apparently cheated on you, and that when he had the choice of ending the relationship with you and then getting involved with her, instead he cheated with another woman and then ended your relationship and continued seeing her. Not exactly madly flattering to her or demonstrating great integrity.

In terms of her status - she's nearly 15 yrs older than you! Wouldn't you expect her to be ahead in career, housing market etc?!

Thanks everyone so much for taking the time to reply.

Just to clarify that none of us are spring chickens in this scenario. I'm in my early 40s and beyond this relationship thing, had already been struggling with where I am at in life. I haven't hit all the traditional milestones that most of my contemporaries have - never married, not had children (and won't now because of time wasted with him), just managed to buy my first (ugh, hate to say 'first', it will be my only property ever) when my friends are moving into their big forever homes with husbands and children. And my friends are all bossing it in their own way in their careers, being promoted, pursuing more qualifications on top of raising their families. (My friends are wonderful by the way, I am so proud of what they've all achieved and how they parent. I've never felt judged by them. I know they love me.)

I have done other interesting things and wouldn't change them for the world, but it does mean I am a bit behind now. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and one of the common impacts of that condition when people aren't diagnosed until well into adulthood is the y feel that they never reached their potential. That's how I feel. I've never reached my potential and I don't feel like I ever will.

It’s hard. My ex had a crush on a woman from his work who was all sorts of amazing. Intelligent, talented, beautiful, kind, slim, blonde, successful, had lots of quirky interests and hobbies which made her even more interesting and desirable. She didn’t give him any attention as she knew he was taken but I am 300% sure he would have left me if she did. We are no longer together but I still remember that feeling of being inferior and a second best. It eventually passes and I don’t ever thing about it these days but you have my sympathy. Just give it time

Also you seem to think that all men would put job, property, holiday home access etc etc high on their list of desirable traits, whereas a lot of men are not like that.

There's a poster on here who's said that his wife/partner was a benefits dependant single mum left in debt by her ex, when he met her but he found her very attractive, their sex life when they had it completely confirmed that attraction/comparability and has continued to be great, and that they get on very well etc.

And tbh I don't think he's untypical of men.

Lots of men are not looking for financial assets in a partner, they have their own .. a and attraction and someone they perceive as a good partner is more important.

You're not jobless, with debt, with dependants, renting ... Which means uoure in a better position than many women .. a d plenty of them meet partners and marry etc.

You're also younger - which gives you more time and options to meet someone.

@justaftb

Thanks everyone so much for taking the time to reply.

Just to clarify that none of us are spring chickens in this scenario. I'm in my early 40s and beyond this relationship thing, had already been struggling with where I am at in life. I haven't hit all the traditional milestones that most of my contemporaries have - never married, not had children (and won't now because of time wasted with him), just managed to buy my first (ugh, hate to say 'first', it will be my only property ever) when my friends are moving into their big forever homes with husbands and children. And my friends are all bossing it in their own way in their careers, being promoted, pursuing more qualifications on top of raising their families. (My friends are wonderful by the way, I am so proud of what they've all achieved and how they parent. I've never felt judged by them. I know they love me.)

I have done other interesting things and wouldn't change them for the world, but it does mean I am a bit behind now. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and one of the common impacts of that condition when people aren't diagnosed until well into adulthood is the y feel that they never reached their potential. That's how I feel. I've never reached my potential and I don't feel like I ever will.

You still have a lot of active years left ahead of you and now you have your diagnosis you presumably have strategies/medications to help you manage your ADHD?

This could be a positive turning point for you. Maybe you won't have some of the conventional milestones but you can go after other things.

when my friends are moving into their big forever homes with husbands and children

Well two incomes are perhaps two sets of family money help.etc will obviously create a totally different property situation for them, you've done well.to get on the property ladder and you don't know if you keep working that you won't be able to buy something else later (or indeed meet another partner and move in together elsewhere). You're aware of your condition now and can manage it better.

@justaftb

I meant to add that I have felt so profoundly sad since we broke up. Not at the loss of the relationship, but because through all his deceit he demonstrated that he thought I was completely worthless.

That's what they do though. When they've got someone new giving them the attention you gave him at the beginning, you become irrelevant. It says everything about him and his shitty little ego than either you or her.

She isn't any better than you. When you start building yourself up again and move on you'll think about them less and less and in time they'll become irrelevant. But it takes time, so be kind to yourself in the meantime

I have done other interesting things and wouldn't change them for the world, but it does mean I am a bit behind now. I was recently diagnosed with ADHD and one of the common impacts of that condition when people aren't diagnosed until well into adulthood is the y feel that they never reached their potential. That's how I feel. I've never reached my potential and I don't feel like I ever will.

Whoa thar -- you're missing the very real bit of awesomeness in this situation. You HAVE been diagnosed now. You CAN get help/support/medication now. You CAN "catch up" now!

If we were to look at this from a position of The Universe Has Your Back, you might see this as a Sign that your life, actually, is finally getting back on track.

Your ADHD is disgnosed.

You bought a house.

You have a shit-tonne of epic cool friends.

Your Ex, with his years of wandering eye syndrome, has finally released you from feeling inferior and suspicious.

Darling -- this is your MOMENT TO SHINE. The stars are aligning for your greatness! It's all lining up... I'd say you're about to embark on the absolute best and most rewarding period in your life so far.

Whereas she is about to suffer awful years wondering if she's going to lose half her beautiful home and savings to the man who keeps giving her the fear that he's going to cheat or leave for someone younger.

because through all his deceit he demonstrated that he thought I was completely worthless.

Technically, his deceit demonstrates he didn't want to lose you straight away. Otherwise he'd have just dumped you. His deceit really only demonstrates that he's someone who really likes having his cake and taking other cakes out for dates too.

@Roszie

If she was that amazing she would have been snapped up years ago

That’s not helpful although I know you meant it to be. Someone’s worth isn’t dependent on being “snapped up” by a man. I’m very much single at the age of forty; with no romantic prospects in sight. I’m no less amazing than my friends who have all been “snapped up”.

Listen, comparison is the thief of joy, and you are worthy as you are. We are no different from each other we just have different paths through life. I’m not as high flying or settled as many of my friends at the age of forty and I used to feel angry and low about that. Then I realised there was no point wasting my life that way, and made a huge effort to adjust my mindset. I hope you can do the same.

You sound lovely, OP, kind and very self-aware. Your calm analysis of the situation also shows your intelligence - you deserve someone who appreciates this! Your ex is an opportunist and if he's fawning over the kind of woman who will knowingly participate in cheating like he did, and valuing her material worth more than her character, then let them have each other. Don't let this diminish your self worth. You're better off without him.

Please don’t feel that she is better than you OP. She’s had different accomplishments, that doesn’t make her better.

You’re better off without him. Let her deal with his clandestine ‘friendships’ and lunches behind her back. He won’t change. You are well rid of him.

He will cheat on her too.

It's an illusion. She seems better than you because she has nothing to lose. Whereas you have something to lose which brings up insecurities and you don't have the easy opportunity to gain something in its place because you'd have to recover from the emotional fallout of the rejection first. She's not better- just in a different position, new relationship wise, which will easily change in time.

@ThatOtherPoster - thanks for your motivating post

Yes, I am currently trialing various dosages of ADHD meds to see which suit/work the best. The first week I took them was amazing! I got so much done! But that dosage stopped being effective. I'm feeling positive though. Just having a diagnosis has been so helpful. The psychiatrist I saw even said we could cut the consultation session a bit short because it was obvious quite quickly I was a classic case. I'm excited to see what I can do with the knowledge that I have now about why I am the way I am. Besides meds, there are lots of other supporting strategies I can put in place. And I've stopped being so hard on myself about things like tidiness, organisation, achievement.

Stop comparing yourself to other people right now! Life is not a competition to beat other people at. Reaching your potential means being happy with who you are and where you're going. It's not a race and you are only just really discovering who you are and understanding yourself by the sounds of it.

He treated you like you were worthless because he has no self esteem, if he had self esteem he would have left the relationship if it didn't work for him or stayed in it and been a good partner. He will forever be looking for the next 'best thing' to try to boost his ego - it will only ever help him short term because he still will not have any real self esteem. Do not let his lack of self esteem define you. He has no god given right to decide what does and doesn't have worth.

Know your worth and expect other people to treat you as wonderfully as you treat them. You sound like a really lovely person.

In my case, OP, I'm pretty sure the new woman is better than me on pretty much all levels and, to answer your question, I'm not handling it well at all. My main recurring thought is: based on her greater levels of maturity, communication skills etc, will she succeed where I failed? Will she be turned off by, for example, some of his ickier sexual requests, or based on her greater self esteem will he not try it on? And so on and so forth.

@Roszie

If she was that amazing she would have been snapped up years ago

WOW.

Great to know us single women aren't amazing and that's what you think of us.

OP it doesn't matter even if she is better than you. What does that get her? What prize is there fore being 'better'? A man who can't be trusted?

If she's that great why couldn't she find her own man? And she's got what she deserves now - your shitty seconds, he'll soon be looking for pastures new and she'll be in your position now, but you'll have the upper hand because you'll have moved on from this. Children don't mean you've had an unfulfilling life, think of what you can achieve after covid is over, travel, take another course, widen your career prospects, you could do up and sell your property for profit. The world is your oyster!!

@justaftb

You're going to fly! And it's also cool that you have something else (you, and your awesome life) to concentrate on at the moment. Your ex was holding you back. Living with someone who fancies other people saps all your attention - it puts you into hyper-vigilance. You're free now.

I can't wait to hear about al the wonderful stuff you achieve now TWO major sources of stress and anxiety have been removed. You're going to be great.

Hang on, so she's in her late 50s?

What does your ex bring to that party? She has all that stuff - what does he have? Were you living together? Why put yourself down and not him?

It's almost laughable all this discussion of the OW who's not actually an ow (yet anyway) because op thinks he'll definitely get involved with her.

But they're not involved, are they?

He's with someone else entirely at the moment, not her.

Is it really all that inevitable he'll get together with her ... Esp if she finds out instead of leaving you and letting her know he was single : he just cheated on you with a third woman and has been seeing her since then.

All this poor woman did was ask your ex partner out on a date because neither of you made it clear you were in a relationship at your hobby, get told he was in a relationship while on the date (because he was too inappropriate etc to just tell.her straight off), and keep in apparently non sexual casual contact since, asking him to let her know of he became single, which he hadn't done; he's chested with and seeing someone else.

And she's having every aspect examined in here because op is fixated on her.

*he's cheated and been seeing someone else.