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Original poster

Talk to me about marriage

26 replies

EskimoBlue · 09/04/2021 08:37

I love my partner but I’m not (yet?) ready for an engagement or marriage even though it is the “next step” - don’t get me wrong I know there doesn’t need to be a next step.

For me getting engaged with a view to being married is a decision you’d need to be 100% sure on, and I’m currently not at the 100% mark. I love my partner, I have no doubt I’ll be with him for years to come but marriage, to me, feels like a huge commitment that I need to be more sure of. So I guess my question is were you 100% sure you wanted to marry your partner or am I ridiculous and psyching myself out and over thinking, can you be so sure of anything?!

OP posts:
ravenmum · 09/04/2021 08:48

I married him knowing that there's a 50% divorce rate, and that it was a relatively risky choice as he was my first proper relationship and those don't usually last.

But I was 100% sure in that I thought he'd make a good dad, I wanted to have children with him, and I wanted the legal benefits of marriage to give those children suitable security, whether or not we stayed together.

He turned out to be a mildly disappointing dad and husband, and we divorced after 16 years, but from the organisational viewpoint it was definitely worth getting married.

StephenBelafonte · 09/04/2021 08:50

I was 100% sure I wanted to get married and for that marriage to last (it lasted 20 years so not bad lol).

I wasn't prepared to live together because I was wanted a family and didn't want to be unmarried when I had mine.

Today, from what I read on mumsnet, couples who live together seem to fall into one of two categories. The first are couples who plan to get married but use living together as a kind of "trial marriage" to see if they are compatible. The second have no plans to marry but live together for financial reasons.

You can't be sure of anything, but you need to be sure you want to marry someone otherwise whats the point.

Finally, plenty of us marry with the best of intentions and it doesn't work out. It's fine, it's what divorce is for.

What are your financial set ups and if you're not going to marry do you plan to live together? What are your thoughts on children?

Original poster
EskimoBlue · 09/04/2021 10:11

Thanks both.

To answer your questions @StephenBelafonte
We have a flat together and both financially stable. Split everything 50/50 although he is the higher earner - which means he will pay for more treats / dinners out or a household item I wouldn’t necessarily deem as essential.

He would like children and I know he will be a brilliant dad, that I am 100% sure of. I’m undecided when it comes to children, it’s not a definite no but it’s a definite not right now.

OP posts:
DiabeticFirstBaby · 09/04/2021 10:19

How long have you been together?
We dated for about 2 years before we moved in together (he had a house) about a year and a half after that we bought a house together and after 6 years together we got married. I can say i was 100% sure after that time that marriage was the right thing. There's no rush though. x

ThatOtherPoster · 09/04/2021 10:24

Has he proposed?

Kit19 · 09/04/2021 10:25

Im one of those annoying people who just knew when I met DH. He was my person, the one who made things make sense. I didnt meet him till I was nearly 30 and had dated a lot and lived with 2 men before DH but never felt about them as I did and do about DH. So yes I was 100% sure and so was he. He proposed after 3 months and been going 21 years now so it's looking good at the moment.

RachelRavenRoth · 09/04/2021 10:29

Split everything 50/50 although he is the higher earner - which means he will pay for more treats / dinners out or a household item I wouldn’t necessarily deem as essential.
This isn't at all fair. He is the higher earner but pays the same for bills as you, but gets to be the big I am by ‘treating’ you to non-essentials, rather than those being budgeted for by both of you.

He would like children and I know he will be a brilliant dad, that I am 100% sure of.
What do you think makes a brilliant dad? And how do you know he would do those things?

both financially stable
Would you stay that way? Would you share maternity leave with him equally and both work the same? So both stay fulltime or both go to 4 days etc?

Badtasteflump · 09/04/2021 10:32

I was 100% certain I wanted to marry DH - I trusted him completely and knew he'd be a good dad & husband. Of course the fact that I loved him & fancied him was important, but I think the '100%' certainty came from him being the most straight up honest person I know, so even if things went wrong between us there would never be mind games and lies to wade through.

LivBa · 09/04/2021 10:41

@EskimoBlue
The way to feel sense if someone is going to be a good dad is how sacrificial they are. Does he readily sacrifice his time, comfort and convenience to benefit others when there's NO benefit for him?

It's not just about being friendly and playful with kids. That alone is not a sign he will be a good dad. Parenting is about the hard slog and sacrifice and someone who already readily sacrifices for others is a good sign of a good dad.

ThisTooShallBeFantastic · 09/04/2021 10:55

There are no guarantees for anything in this world, so '100% sure' to me always sounds fake. 'Pretty darned sure' is fine Grin.

To be honest I went in to marriage because it seemed like a good idea at the time, and it was a good idea for 15 years, then it wasn't great and we divorced. We're amicable though, he is a very decent person (so am I) who couldn't screw anyone over, let alone the mother of his children. He was a good dad until they hit teenage years, then he was poor at it, I think largely because of MH problems which he developed due to terrible events and which he still has. You just can't tell how things are going to pan out in the long term - but to my mind, that shouldn't stop you trying.

What's more worrying OP is that he wants children but you are not sure. I really wouldn't bother marrying unless you are on the same page about this. You may need to set each other free if you end up not agreeing on it.

ravenmum · 09/04/2021 11:13

[quote LivBa]@EskimoBlue
The way to feel sense if someone is going to be a good dad is how sacrificial they are. Does he readily sacrifice his time, comfort and convenience to benefit others when there's NO benefit for him?

It's not just about being friendly and playful with kids. That alone is not a sign he will be a good dad. Parenting is about the hard slog and sacrifice and someone who already readily sacrifices for others is a good sign of a good dad.[/quote]
Agree with this!

SleepySundays · 09/04/2021 11:23

[quote LivBa]@EskimoBlue
The way to feel sense if someone is going to be a good dad is how sacrificial they are. Does he readily sacrifice his time, comfort and convenience to benefit others when there's NO benefit for him?

It's not just about being friendly and playful with kids. That alone is not a sign he will be a good dad. Parenting is about the hard slog and sacrifice and someone who already readily sacrifices for others is a good sign of a good dad.[/quote]
This is a really good post

Original poster
EskimoBlue · 09/04/2021 13:29

@DiabeticFirstBaby only 3 years so still plenty of time!

@ThatOtherPoster no, not yet. It's not on the cards at the moment, I've been honest in saying I'm not ready. Lots of friends have got engaged recently which got me to thinking hence the question.

@RachelRavenRoth I was the one who insisted on a 50/50 split with mortgage and bills etc. He doesn't act like the "big I am" with regards to additional purchases, appreciate it might not work for everyone but it does work for us. You raise good points about the future and financial stability and clearly more discussions would need to be had as I'm presuming that I'd be the one on full maternity - I'd definitely want to go back to work.

Great post @LivBa. When I'd thought about things originally I'd thought about qualities other than the fact he's great with kids (he's incredibly patient, ridiculously thoughtful to the point it can knock my socks off, kind etc) but I'd never thought about sacrifice.

@Badtasteflump I feel the same way. When we started dating it was incredibly refreshing, there were no mind games, no not knowing where I stood with him, no waiting for the next text, I wasn't messed around and it was a revelation.

@ThisTooShallBeFantastic your opening line speaks to me! "pretty darn sure" is where I'm at, with an edge of caution! (which might be natural!) You're also right on the children issue and we both agree that it would be a deal breaker if we don't feel the same. It was a tough conversation to have but also a really great one as we were both honest and open, we've left it as we've still time to figure things out so we'll see...

OP posts:
museumum · 09/04/2021 13:31

I was sure but we’d been together five years and I was 34 so I had plenty of experience of life with and without him to base that on.

mumonthehill · 09/04/2021 13:41

I was quite young when I got married, we were always on the same page regarding dc and money so never felt the need to have huge discussions, we just pooled everything and shared. We got married because we wanted to and we were in love. However, now having been married for 21 years and having been a sahp, I realise how much financial security being married gives me. I will never earn what DH does but we still seem to think the same and work together. I hope we never get to the point of divorce, but being married gives me more rights if we do and that is good. Getting married was and has been hard but a joy and I am glad we did.

DiabeticFirstBaby · 09/04/2021 14:42

How old are you OP? I was 28 when i met my now husband so a bit older than the norm I guess. i had dated a lot and only had one longish relationship. By the time I met I knew something was different about this relationship, and it just felt right, it's was easy, there were no games and we were both clear about what we wanted. As you said, you've only been dating 3 years so plenty of time! As long as he makes you happy, just enjoy it! x

Ladyks3 · 09/04/2021 15:47

Wanting to get married to my DH was a very easy decision for me. If you know you want to be with your DP for “many years” but aren’t sure if you want to marry him, then why stick around for “many years” to possibly find out that you don’t? “When you know you know” as annoying as that is...

cheeseismydownfall · 09/04/2021 22:09

Remember, marriage is first and foremost a legal contract. Do you want the legal rights and responsibilities of marriage? This should be your starting point.

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/

mydogisthebest · 10/04/2021 23:20

I think you should know after 3 years whether you want to marry him or not.

I knew more or less straight away. We married 5 months after meeting. Been married for 40 years and still very happy and in love.

colouringindoors · 10/04/2021 23:23

I wasn't 100% sure and I should have paid more attention to that. Very hard decade, getting divorced now...

If you really believe marriage is for life (as I do/did), be sure.

Nannyamc · 10/04/2021 23:30

It is always up to the individual.
I met my dh at 14 he was 16 he said we were far to young for this. We remained friends. When i was 17 and he 19 we got together and it was love at 1st sight. We have been together today 45 yrs...married 42. It is a wonderful relationship best friends 2 children and 4 adored gc. When you know you know

BackforGood · 10/04/2021 23:41

I think it depends on your age and your life experience.
You can have been together 3 years and not be 20 yet. Or you can have been together 3 years and be in your 40s. Obviously every other combination there can be, but the point is, it makes a considerable difference.

I like this : There are no guarantees for anything in this world, so '100% sure' to me always sounds fake. 'Pretty darned sure' is fine

When you get married, you are making promises about being together "forever".....or "until death us do part" as the traditional words say. Forever is a long time, and therefore a bit scary. Of course you don't know how ether of you will change as you grow, and as you have different experiences in life. I don't think any of us have a clue how we will cope with any sort of adversity when it comes along. Promising to be with someone for potentially 70 years is a pretty big ask. I don't think it is unusual to have doubts.

OTOH, I don't think just getting married "because you've been together quite a while and family and friends expect it as the next logical step" is a good enough reason. I think you've both got to want it. If you don't both want it before you hit any rough patches, I think the chances of it being 'right' aren't great.

tinselvestsparklepants · 11/04/2021 00:30

Was very sure when I got married at 35. No doubts. Think it was because I was old enough to know myself well enough at that point to know what I needed. I married him for who he is and never expected him to change. We're just about to have our 9th anniversary, having survived redundancy, infertility, family bereavement, lockdown, a career change, serious illness and 2 recent house moves together. He's still my favourite person.

tinselvestsparklepants · 11/04/2021 00:32

Forgot to say - you'll never know 100%. What you have to do is know that you trust him - and yourself- enough to take the leap of faith together, and take the active decision to have a good marriage. Loving is an active state.

tinselvestsparklepants · 11/04/2021 00:34

Sorry - it's late - obviously some couples are faced with awful circumstances, life changes etc so I'm not trying to suggest that marriages that fail are necessarily anyone's fault. What I do mean is that you can't expect to take one decision once and for it to be good forever. You kind of have to keep making the decision. That's my experience, anyway!