Should you always "forgive and forget"?

[MIAAN]

Is it wrong to be upset about something someone has said, even though they have apologised for it? Sometimes you can forgive but can't forget and sometimes you can't do either.

You aren't obliged to do any or either. Equally you could accept an apology, forgive someone and still decide you'd prefer it if they weren't part of your life. It really depends on who the person is in the context of your life and your prior relationship with them.

Depends what it is. I think forgiveness is a personal thing and I would rather forgive than to bear grudges. Forgetting is harder though but if you were to continue a relationship with that person, then it shouldn't be brought back up in the future.

It's definitely not wrong to be upset about something someone has said, that is just how you feel and you need to process that. It made sense to me when I was told that sometimes we forgive too quickly and we don't allow ourselves to process the feelings at the time of the hurt caused. You need to take time to forgive because an apology isn't something in exchange for forgiveness.

Is it wrong to be upset about something someone has said
Not necessarily. It depends what they said.

even though they have apologised for it?
was the apology genuine?

Sometimes you can forgive but can't forget and sometimes you can't do either.
That is entirely your prerogative.

Apologies don't undo things, though, do they? Some things are unforgivable. You are under no obligation to keep someone in your life who has hurt you just because they aplogise.

Sometimes words can change things and you can't always apologise your way out of the consequences of your words. I don't think it's always going to be possible to forgive and forget.

No, of course not.

In this context, The person who I am referring to is my partner. The incident was almost a week ago but I'm still hurt, I'm going to talk to him about it when I feel comfortable but idk what else to do

Nobody is owed your forgiveness or entitled to have you forget their treatment of you.

The choice is yours whether you forgive or not, but how are you supposed to forget? Get your brain wiped like they do in Men In Black?

Op, in your previous thread everyone told you to dump your arsehole of a boyfriend. The relationship you have with him isn't even a real one. Why are you still with him or communicating with him? How many more years are you going to throw away on this man who doesn't even give a shit about you?

If someone was banging on at me that I had to forget something they'd done that had upset me and forgive them I'd be telling them to f. off.

Generally I agree with the principle but not under duress. Does that help?

Forgiveness is a gift to yourself, not the other person.

I think sometimes things just cross so far over a line that it’s not possible to forgive and forget, and that’s fine.

A (now ex) friend made some horrible comments about my daughter during the first lockdown.

I appreciate she was scared and anxious, but for me, what she said was unforgivable.

For several months she behaved as though I was the unreasonable one, was over sensitive, over reacting, took what she said the wrong way but finally sent a FB message apologising just before Christmas.

Too little, too late to be honest. Even if she had apologised straight away, apologies don’t un-say what’s been said

I can be a horror for bearing grudges, but I’m fine with that. It takes a lot for me to snap, I don’t fall out with people regularly and I don’t take offence at things much, but sometimes a line is crossed and that’s it. End of the road. Especially when my children are concerned.

I see her out and about, I’m polite but I will never forgive her and just don’t see her in the same light.

You can't make yourself forget so really what we're talking about is either not caring, or pretending not to care. You can't make yourself do the first, it either is or isn't. The second is really unhealthy.

I'm just not brave enough to end things if I'm being honest

When you say brave, what are you frightened will happen if you end the relationship?

Forgiving and forgetting doesnt necessarily mea you keep the person in your life. You can still decide the relationship just doesnt work for you anymore and walk away. Friendship is not owed to anyone.

Why do you need to be brave?

I'm just not brave enough to end things if I'm being honest

Come on, op. There isn't even anything to end here. You haven't seen him in what, a year? He has NEVER allowed you to meet his family in the 6 years you have been together. He lives at home, doesn't work, and plays video games all day. He probably has another woman he's shagging, all the clues are there.

Please wake up and stop wasting your life.

If you are getting more emotional support from strangers on mumsnet than from your partner, there's a problem with your relationship.

OP you are wasting your one, precious life on someone who doesn't care about you enough to be nice to you and decent to you after SIX years.

If you stay with him longer I can't tell you how much you're going to kick yourself for not leaving sooner when you eventually do or, god forbid, how much you'll hate yourself if you stay with him forever and look back on a life with someone who never gave two shits.

You aren't even really together in the sense a normal couple would be. There is nothing healthy about this dynamic. Please stop this now, it's madness

I've seen his family plenty of times, we have only been together for one year. I enjoy the relationship I have with his mum so I'm afraid of losing that

I'm not quite sure I know what I'm scared of. I've always been a person that feels easily guilty over the smallest things

I forgive because I see unforgiveness as something which is detrimental to me. As I forgive, I set myself free from the bitterness/anger/upset that was caused.

I don't feel the need to forget, and I don't think it is right to do so.
Sometimes I am happy to let it go which basically means forget, but at other times it is one brick in the wall of understanding of who the person is. One odd brick? Fine, I can let it go. Yet abother birck the same in a whole wall of bricks about who this person is?
You need to LEARN from that, and leave.

I think depending on how serious it is, mostly forgiveness happens over time, apart from the person that hurt you. Being in the relationship, I don't think I could.