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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Huge row

38 replies

Bruce123 · 08/04/2021 07:55

Last night my husband asked my daughter who has mental health problems “Why she didn’t just go and kill herself?”

The context is that he had been drinking ( I think he drinks excessively, 53 units a week not uncommon- last night he’d had a bottle of wine and two cans of IPA). He was playing music really loud at 12.30pm and our 18 year old daughter had asked him to turn it down. She didn’t request this is a polite way. She was seriously annoyed at being woken up and having to ask him to turn it down. He refused. My daughter came to get me. I politely asked him to turn it off or use the headphones. He turned it off. I went to loo and huge row broke out where my daughter tells me her father said what he said. My daughter wants her father to leave. Her Dad slept on sofa till 6am then came to bed.

Wondering whether to tackle the drinking and offer support, demand an apology for what he said, or just demand a divorce as he isn’t being a great partner or father at the moment.

OP posts:

Newusertothis · 08/04/2021 07:58

Ltb!!!!!

pog100 · 08/04/2021 08:01

From everything I've heard, if he has a drinking problem like this that he refuses to acknowledge, you are better off going straight for a split. I'm all honesty probably several years ago...

AllThatGlistensIs · 08/04/2021 08:02

Your poor, poor daughter.

Eekay · 08/04/2021 08:03

I couldn't forgive anyone who said that to my child. But her own father? That beggars belief. I couldn't come back from that. Your daughter will never forget it.

Igmum · 08/04/2021 08:04

Sorry OP this is awful. I thought it was horrific for a step father to say this but for a father to say it to his own daughter who is struggling with MH problems? I really don't know how he can undo this. It looks like he's an addict. It certainly looks like he doesn't give a damn about you and the family. Yes I think you need to throw him out too. Al-Anon provides help for the families of alcoholics. Put your daughter first. Good luck

NoCureForLove · 08/04/2021 08:04

Well that was a terrible thing to say - drunk or not. Living with an alcoholic and your dd having mental health problems may not be unrelated don't you think?

cigarettesanddisappointment · 08/04/2021 08:05

I can't offer any wisdom, but the exact same thing happened between my ex and my DD1. For me once he said that, knowing that she had mental health issues and was struggling, it was the end. I knew that she'd never forgive him and that I wouldn't either. The children & I left that night.
In my case it was also alcohol-related; my ex is a classic functioning alcoholic and had been getting worse over the years, both with the amount that he drank and the way that he behaved whilst under the influence.

AtrociousCircumstance · 08/04/2021 08:05

An alcoholic being abusive to your daughter.

Christ almighty where is the dilemma? Act now to end this relationship.

No wonder she has MH problems being brought up in a house with a father like that.

MLMsuperfan · 08/04/2021 08:09

This is horrendous OP.

I would be doing whatever I could to make sure nothing like this happened again.

Lollypop4 · 08/04/2021 08:09

Awful.
Divorce. Leave the relationship today.
Your DD will never ever forgot what he has said to her.

Lozzerbmc · 08/04/2021 08:14

No loving father can behave like that. I couldnt be with a man who didnt love his own child. You know you need to put your daughter first here she is at grest risk. Ask him to leave even if its for now until you sort things, but he has a serious problem with drink so personally i think you’re better off without him permanently, to focus on your daughter.

Lozzerbmc · 08/04/2021 08:15

Sorry you are going through this it must be terrible

AttilaTheMeerkat · 08/04/2021 08:18

"Wondering whether to tackle the drinking and offer support, demand an apology for what he said, or just demand a divorce as he isn’t being a great partner or father at the moment".

There is NOTHING you can do to help him, you can only help your own self ultimately. He neither wants your help or support and besides which what can you do?. What do you get out of this relationship now with this alcoholic man?. All you are doing now apart from showing your daughter also a really crap relationship example is propping him up and otherwise enabling him. That neither helps him or you, enabling gives you a false sense of control.

I would suggest divorce in such circumstances. He has a long term drink problem and your daughter is being profoundly affected by it as are you. You seemingly have become inurred to his drinking and only he can address it. He does not want to.

You have a choice re this man, your daughter does not. Put her first
and particularly also before she comes to the conclusion that you as her mother put this man ahead of her.

sandgrown · 08/04/2021 08:28

Last year my partner who I would term a functioning alcoholic attacked our teenage son. The police were called and advised me to find DS somewhere to go . Luckily a friend had a small flat where he stayed until we moved into a house together . DS has MH issues which I believe were brought on by years of criticism from his father and I really regret not moving out sooner. Ex has started trying to contact DS and constantly messaging he loves him and is there for him ( he wasn’t when we lived together). DS is not ready to speak to him but is much happier since we moved.

category12 · 08/04/2021 08:28

53 units a week is a very specific number.

But anyway, does he even want to stop drinking? No point "offering support" if he has no interest in change. At that level of drinking he'd likely need to see his gp and get medical advice and help with it.

Put your dd (and yourself) first, living with an alcoholic is shite. You need to read up about co-dependence.

Horehound · 08/04/2021 08:29

Weird how it all has to be asked politely...

I'd be fucking raging being woken up by a drunk father blasting music. He sounds like a teenager.

Get rid

JackieWeaverFever · 08/04/2021 08:30

Your poor daughter.
Demand a divorce.
None if this is okay.

harknesswitch · 08/04/2021 08:33

Your daughter is right, her father needs to leave!

He can tackle his drinking without living with you.

Your daughter needs your support NOT your dh

stoopider · 08/04/2021 08:47

How long has he been drinking? Is he holding down a job?

Bananalanacake · 08/04/2021 08:48

As with all alcoholics you need to walk away and ignore, not your problem, though this may be difficult if you own a house together.

Sally872 · 08/04/2021 08:53

That is awful. I would divorce him.

If he woke up full of remorse and determined to make changes I might consider trying but it doesn't seem like that is likely.

user1636853246842157 · 08/04/2021 09:01

She didn’t request this is a polite way

He woke her up playing loud music, refused to turn it off, then told her to kill herself. I'm actually glad that she's not so broken by his behaviour she's trying to be meek and "polite" in the face of his abuse. You need to check your priorities. Are you suggesting she deserved it?

Get rid of this monster.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/04/2021 09:06

You've allowed your child to grow up in a home with an abusive alcoholic, it's no wonder she has mental health issues. Do what you should have done years ago and get rid of him.

PriestessofPing · 08/04/2021 09:14

The blasting of music and the disgusting and nasty comments are what i’d expect from perhaps a teenager who had gone off the rails. A sibling maybe and i’d be bloody furious at the comment in that case - it’s mind boggling this behaviour was by her own grown father.

What i don’t get is where were you when this music was blasting because it sounds like you were in another part of the house? Did you not hear how loud it was as she had to come and get you?

Anyhow, his behaviour is horrific and I would want to protect my daughter and myself by getting him out of the house because this is no way to live at all for either of you.

CirqueDeMorgue · 08/04/2021 09:14

@Aquamarine1029

You've allowed your child to grow up in a home with an abusive alcoholic, it's no wonder she has mental health issues. Do what you should have done years ago and get rid of him.

I hate MN for this kicking people when they're down bullshit. 'YOU did this, it's YOUR fault' even though OP wasn't the one who told her dd to kill herself. Besides, OP doesn't mention that her husband has been abusive other than on this occasion.

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