Huge row

[Bruce123]

Last night my husband asked my daughter who has mental health problems “Why she didn’t just go and kill herself?”

The context is that he had been drinking ( I think he drinks excessively, 53 units a week not uncommon- last night he’d had a bottle of wine and two cans of IPA). He was playing music really loud at 12.30pm and our 18 year old daughter had asked him to turn it down. She didn’t request this is a polite way. She was seriously annoyed at being woken up and having to ask him to turn it down. He refused. My daughter came to get me. I politely asked him to turn it off or use the headphones. He turned it off. I went to loo and huge row broke out where my daughter tells me her father said what he said. My daughter wants her father to leave. Her Dad slept on sofa till 6am then came to bed.

Wondering whether to tackle the drinking and offer support, demand an apology for what he said, or just demand a divorce as he isn’t being a great partner or father at the moment.

WTAF! His behaviour was appalling but your muted reaction is bewildering. LTB!

Its easy to say divorce it's not easy to do it. However, you are in a horrendous situation with your daughter to protect from this selfish man. You can stop this happening. There will be some great advice on here to help you take the next step.

Echoing previous posters, your DD will not forget that. My father said the same thing to me when I was 16. It was amongst a torrent of verbal abuse whilst he strangled me. I haven't seen him since, it was nearly 20 years ago. I have never forgotten what he said and required a few years of therapy regarding our relationship. Fortunately my parents were not together.

I asked my mum if we could leave for years, please listen to her. I don’t speak to my mum anymore because in my eyes she forced me into that situation and stood by and let it happen.

As an adult I’m scared of drunk men and it really impacts me. My partners family are lovely but I avoid family parties as a result, I know it’s me missing out but I can’t help it.

Let that be the final straw.

How could you even consider staying with someone who said that? She will never get over that.
Many many years ago I had a period of very bad mh and was suicidal. I (obviously mistakenly) thought I could confide in my parents. My dad I assume got fed up of hearing about it and said to me "put up or shut up".

I never forgave him.

Do right by your child.

Get him out!!!
How on earth could you even question staying in a relationship with a man that could say that to anybody, let alone their own daughter. She deserves better than a father who could speak to her like that. You deserve better than a husband who could even think that about his own child.

He needs to go. Jesus, your poor child.

@user1636853246842157

She didn’t request this is a polite way

He woke her up playing loud music, refused to turn it off, then told her to kill herself. I'm actually glad that she's not so broken by his behaviour she's trying to be meek and "polite" in the face of his abuse. You need to check your priorities. Are you suggesting she deserved it?

Get rid of this monster.

What about this is your daughter's fault? She wasn't "polite" but neither was he. You are allowing him to behave that way to his and your daughter? --- What is wrong with You? LTB and apologize to your daughter for not doing it sooner.

Am seeing a solicitor- 1st appointment available on Monday. He denied he said it, then said he wasn’t sure what he’d said. Then denied this amnesia (induced by alcohol) indicated he had a problem with alcohol. Denial of the problem. Classic alcoholic behaviour.

Your poor daughter has suffered a lot over the last couple of years based on other threads and a huge part of that will be down to living in this environment.

She's been let down and it's time to follow through and actually leave.

She doesn't deserve to live in this atmosphere and think it's in any way acceptable or normal. You'll say you tell her it's not ok, but by staying with such a man unfortunately you're telling her it is through your actions.

He's let you down too of course, but you have a choice in all this and she doesn't. From other threads she's been crying out for help and it's time the adults in her life took that seriously enough to do the right thing.

I think you are right, and I would be kicking him out first, divorcing him second. If you can get him out.

He’s refusing to leave. Means I will have to sell our jointly owned house around him. Or investigate other mechanisms to ensure we can separate.