To be scared of partner

MeanGirls1 · 2021-04-07T23:23:02+00:00

Not scared that he will hurt me at all.. more scared of being 'told off'. He doesn't scream or even yell, just gets really really annoyed for silly things but it keeps me on edge. For example if I left a light on/moved something/left mess somewhere. He'll usually first say my name when he notices something and my heart drops and I get nervous, or if I remember I've done something and waiting for him to notice before I am able to 'fix it'. AIBU to be scared of this or am I just over reacting..

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 08/04/2021 00:26

It's not normal to be scared of your partner.

Aquamarine1029 · 08/04/2021 00:26

If you are scared of your partner, you end it.

PickAChew · 08/04/2021 00:27

In a healthy relationship, you're not scared of what your part we will say, next.

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 08/04/2021 00:27

You are so not BU!
You might want to go over to the relationships board, (under body and soul in the talk list) though, rather than AIBU. You can get advice and support there.
You shouldn't have to live like this, it's not ok.

DramaAlpaca · 08/04/2021 00:28

You should never be scared of your partner.

millerpie · 08/04/2021 00:29

It’s not even remotely normal. Can you imagine spending the rest of your life feeling that way?

Original poster

MeanGirls1 · 08/04/2021 00:32

Thank you all, I totally understand it's not normal and you shouldn't be scared of your partner.. I'm more thinking if I'm normal for being on edge as he doesn't actually do anything, he just has a go and gets pissy and I want to know if it's something I just need to get over if that makes sense?

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Aquamarine1029 · 08/04/2021 00:33

You need a new partner. There is nothing normal about living like this. Stop wasting your life on him.

Original poster

MeanGirls1 · 08/04/2021 00:36

@PomBearWithoutHerOFRS

You are so not BU! You might want to go over to the relationships board, (under body and soul in the talk list) though, rather than AIBU. You can get advice and support there. You shouldn't have to live like this, it's not ok.

@PomBearWithoutHerOFRS Yeah! sorry, am I able to move this one or should I just delete and repost there?

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Italiangreyhound · 08/04/2021 00:37

This is not normal.

"I'm more thinking if I'm normal for being on edge as he doesn't actually do anything, he just has a go and gets pissy..."

You are normal. He's making you feel scared. He is doing something, 'he just has a go and gets pissy...' that is something.

coodawoodashooda · 08/04/2021 00:38

It is normal if he's a bastard

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 08/04/2021 00:57

If you report your own post MN will move the whole thread over for you.
I wasn't "getting at you" for posting here, it's just people often take delight in being can be mean here, nasty just for the sake of it, and you need some actual support by the sound of it.

PastMyBestBeforeDate · 08/04/2021 00:58

No, he shouldn't be having a go etc. Do you do that to him?

Nat6999 · 08/04/2021 01:10

This is definitely not normal, you need to get rid of him before it gets any worse. You should never be scared of a partner.

Original poster

MeanGirls1 · 08/04/2021 01:15

@PomBearWithoutHerOFRS

If you report your own post MN will move the whole thread over for you. I wasn't "getting at you" for posting here, it's just people often take delight in being can be mean here, nasty just for the sake of it, and you need some actual support by the sound of it.

Thank you have done that

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theuncles · 08/04/2021 01:19

I had an exBF like that once. It wasn't long before he became physical - slamming doors etc - and that moved on to violence against me! If your partner isn't physically aggressive yet, he soon will be.

It's all part of the 'coercive control' behaviour you hear about nowadays - it's completely wrong and unhealthy, and will only escalate. If you feel scared, you know it's wrong. You definitely need to leave.

You don't say if you have children or even shared assets - hopefully not and it will be straightforward enough to leave - but please be careful. Try to make plans and get them in place without him knowing. You may think he's mostly lovely and 'remember when he did xxx ' but he will only get worse! Please, steel yourself and don't waste 4 years as I did! There are charities that can help if it isn't straightforward and/or you need support. Good luck!

Original poster

MeanGirls1 · 08/04/2021 01:19

@PastMyBestBeforeDate

No, he shouldn't be having a go etc. Do you do that to him?

I don't have a go for things like that no, as I probably don't even notice when he does these things as it's not a big issue for me. However I do 'have a go' for things like if he doesn't put his rubbish in the bin and just leaves it on the side for me to clean up or doesn't put his washing in the wash basket, I'll ask him to do it and then if he says no/does it again then I'll be annoyed, if that makes sense?

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Original poster

MeanGirls1 · 08/04/2021 01:25

@theuncles

I had an exBF like that once. It wasn't long before he became physical - slamming doors etc - and that moved on to violence against me! If your partner isn't physically aggressive yet, he soon will be.

It's all part of the 'coercive control' behaviour you hear about nowadays - it's completely wrong and unhealthy, and will only escalate. If you feel scared, you know it's wrong. You definitely need to leave.

You don't say if you have children or even shared assets - hopefully not and it will be straightforward enough to leave - but please be careful. Try to make plans and get them in place without him knowing. You may think he's mostly lovely and 'remember when he did xxx ' but he will only get worse! Please, steel yourself and don't waste 4 years as I did! There are charities that can help if it isn't straightforward and/or you need support. Good luck!

@theuncles Sorry to hear about that.. I hope you're okay now. Yeah I totally understand, it's not great. We do have kids and a house so not as easy as getting up and going. Just wanted get some clarity on it really hence posting on here..

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avamiah · 08/04/2021 01:34

I was in a situation were anything could trigger him off ( ex partner ) , it was like treading on egg shells at the beginning, not wanting to upset him.

Happycat1212 · 08/04/2021 01:37

No it’s not normal.

Original poster

MeanGirls1 · 08/04/2021 01:41

@avamiah
Not good! It's annoying as well as it's not even things I say but lots of things that I do that forget about/don't think are an issue but then he really does!

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theuncles · 08/04/2021 01:53

Sorry OP - having children and a house makes it much much harder! I was lucky on that score. It was my house and I actually left my BF there with my cats and all bills paid for etc - and moved in with friends as he would never have accepted it otherwise. It took months but he did eventually leave.

But I remember the fear. Coming home from work and wondering what I might have done wrong this time. Would he be in a good mood or angry. Going shopping and keeping my eyes down so I couldn't be accused of flirting with the chap on the supermarket checkout. It's no life......

People like that don't like being told what to do, or accept that they have done anything wrong. I was terrified for most of the four years. I think having children will make it harder for you to leave - please do access all the support agencies and family/friends that you can - but please please do leave! I hope your children are young enough not to be swayed by his lies etc - the sooner you get out the better. It will be so hard, but please do it, you deserve so much more! .

avamiah · 08/04/2021 01:55

MeanGirls1,
I could tell you so many terrible things that my ex partner did to me but instead I’ll tell you the one thing that I did to him that I believe wiped the smile off his horrible face .So, 2 years ago a couple of days before Christmas I sat in the family court with my little girl for 5 hours to get a non molestation order granted which it was .
Then he was served the court order at his home on I think the 23 December .
I’ve been smiling since that day .

Original poster

MeanGirls1 · 08/04/2021 07:14

@theuncles

Sorry OP - having children and a house makes it much much harder! I was lucky on that score. It was my house and I actually left my BF there with my cats and all bills paid for etc - and moved in with friends as he would never have accepted it otherwise. It took months but he did eventually leave.

But I remember the fear. Coming home from work and wondering what I might have done wrong this time. Would he be in a good mood or angry. Going shopping and keeping my eyes down so I couldn't be accused of flirting with the chap on the supermarket checkout. It's no life......

People like that don't like being told what to do, or accept that they have done anything wrong. I was terrified for most of the four years. I think having children will make it harder for you to leave - please do access all the support agencies and family/friends that you can - but please please do leave! I hope your children are young enough not to be swayed by his lies etc - the sooner you get out the better. It will be so hard, but please do it, you deserve so much more! .

@theuncles the children are very young so hopefully aren't too effected yet. Yeah I understand that feeling, I just feel as though it's not needed and that I'm just being sensitive and hate being told off!

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Original poster

MeanGirls1 · 08/04/2021 07:17

@avamiah I bet that felt amazing! Well done you for being so brave, I can't imagine how daunting that would have been! I don't think he's done anything bad so ugh to get a court order though

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