Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To be scared of partner

43 replies

MeanGirls1 · 08/04/2021 00:23

Not scared that he will hurt me at all.. more scared of being 'told off'.

He doesn't scream or even yell, just gets really really annoyed for silly things but it keeps me on edge. For example if I left a light on/moved something/left mess somewhere. He'll usually first say my name when he notices something and my heart drops and I get nervous, or if I remember I've done something and waiting for him to notice before I am able to 'fix it'.

AIBU to be scared of this or am I just over reacting..

OP posts:
Original poster
MeanGirls1 · 08/04/2021 07:17

@avamiah *enough

OP posts:
MNHQ
KimMumsnet · 09/04/2021 20:25

Evening, all. We're putting this thread in the Relationships section now, as requested by OP.

Ruminating2020 · 09/04/2021 20:30

You should absolutely not be scared of your partner if it is a healthy relationship.

WisnaeMe · 09/04/2021 22:12

it's manipulative controlling behaviour OP and its abusive. It is designed to unnerve you and make you anxious. He is a bully, he may not be ranting and raving, no he's sneaky about it and making you a nervous wreck. Its not You OP its HIM. 🌸

irishoak · 09/04/2021 22:34

I had a similar experience with my husband (now separated). It's so hard to put into words what it was he actually did to make me so scared of him all the time that sometimes it feels like it wasn't real? Or not valid? He never actually hit me (as he reminded me often himself) so why did I flinch so often around him? Why did I cower away from him? Why did I start having panic attacks and develop a stutter? I was a nervous wreck by the end, with every interaction with him feeling like it was on a knife edge. The mood in the room could just drop at any point, any misstep from me. By the end he didn't even have to get angry, I'd be so nervous and worked up about him potentially being angry that I'd be in tears and he'd be cool and collected and telling me that I had a problem and something wasn't right with me.

So, I don't think you're unreasonable OP, I understand exactly how you feel and it's no way to live at all.

suggestionsplease1 · 09/04/2021 22:40

Have you spoken to him about it? If you can speak to him and say 'hey, listen - every time you say my name like that I know you're about to have a go about something and it puts me completely on edge. I'm not happy to continue living like this, I shouldn't be walking on eggshells in a healthy relationship. How is this going to get fixed?'

At least then you've taken the steps to address the issue. He shouldn't be, but it may be that he is completely oblivious to the emotional impact he is having on you. If he can't handle the conversation appropriately and doesn't find a solution or if you're so fearful that you can't even bring that up in conversation then you probably need to rethink the relationship.

Hont1986 · 09/04/2021 22:50

I know the feeling OP, not with a partner but a parent.

My father was 'critical' like that, not in an angry or scary way, but there was always a tense atmosphere that he was going to tell me to take my feet off the sofa, or that I'd forgotten to close the patio door when I left the room, or that there was a call from a number he didn't recognise earlier and he needed to tell me how to recognise a scam call.

Laying them out like that individually makes them sound trivial, or just acceptable criticism, but it was a constant sense that I was 'lacking' or disappointing in some way. It's hard to describe really.

But honestly, I wouldn't stick around with a partner that made me feel that way.

BarelyFunctioning · 10/04/2021 09:53

@Hont1986

I know the feeling OP, not with a partner but a parent.

My father was 'critical' like that, not in an angry or scary way, but there was always a tense atmosphere that he was going to tell me to take my feet off the sofa, or that I'd forgotten to close the patio door when I left the room, or that there was a call from a number he didn't recognise earlier and he needed to tell me how to recognise a scam call.

Laying them out like that individually makes them sound trivial, or just acceptable criticism, but it was a constant sense that I was 'lacking' or disappointing in some way. It's hard to describe really.

But honestly, I wouldn't stick around with a partner that made me feel that way.

@Hont1986 Just wanted to say - that describes my dad better than I've ever been able to. The effects of the low level criticism or sense you're a disappointment is so hard to articulate, and you've done it so well.

Not to derail this (in fact it's relevant to the OP if she wants to think about what impact this could potentially have on her DC long term if she stays) - how do you think it's impacted on you in adulthood?

If I'm honest, I think the impact on me was substantial. I never feel good enough at anything I do.

Journeynotdestination · 10/04/2021 10:05

My ex was like this, about all sorts of minor things. It did escalate over time to verbal & physical abuse. He was very manipulative and controlling. I’ve never met anyone like this who is a healthy kind person.

BraveGoldie · 10/04/2021 10:37

OP, as others have said you should NEVER be scared of your partner..... Nobody should live life like that.

The only thing I would say is - are you scared and anxious in all other parts of your life (eg: waiting/worrying/expecting your boss to be angry with you.... feeling you have to get everything right in case your friends don't like something..... worrying about saying or doing the wrong thing with your family...)

If you are scared everywhere - then it's possible it's more about your inner state, and normal behaviour from your DP is landing in you in an unhealthy way.

But I doubt very much that is the case. If you feel a freeer, more open person when he is not around, If that sense of unease is only with him, then I think you should get out of there. You don't need to justify or doubt yourself because he isn't doing anything dramatic.... there is a dynamic between you that means you are fearful and that is nothing you should ever have to live with. Some of the most insidious abuse comes in this form- the abuser creates an fearful dynamic that alters the other person's confidence and ability to be themselves, and then they can deny they are doing anything when you try to talk about it.

You don't need to justify leaving - it's an awful, unhealthy way to live and it can change someone who is open, confident, loving, outgoing into a different far less healthy person over time. If you have children, they will start to feel the same fear and unease too- so it's not something you should tolerate for their sake.

BraveGoldie · 10/04/2021 10:44

@suggestionsplease1

Have you spoken to him about it? If you can speak to him and say 'hey, listen - every time you say my name like that I know you're about to have a go about something and it puts me completely on edge. I'm not happy to continue living like this, I shouldn't be walking on eggshells in a healthy relationship. How is this going to get fixed?'

At least then you've taken the steps to address the issue. He shouldn't be, but it may be that he is completely oblivious to the emotional impact he is having on you. If he can't handle the conversation appropriately and doesn't find a solution or if you're so fearful that you can't even bring that up in conversation then you probably need to rethink the relationship.

Agree - if you haven't you can try once to talk with him - and I think @suggestionsplease1 script is awesome and spot on.

If he looks astonished and appalled and tells you he would never ever want you to be scared, that he's sorry, and yes let's fix this and instantly changes then give it a go.

If he in anyway justifies, tells you you shouldn't feel that way/ that he is just.... that if only you would...... then leave, leave, leave......

I've just seen that you do have children OP... very soon he will be using their names like that too and they will be egging just like you or worse...

I am sorry you are having to deal with this.

Hont1986 · 10/04/2021 12:17

@BarelyFunctioning it's a good question. We still have that dynamic even into adulthood - less 'telling off' now, but still every interaction is him giving me some unsolicited advice or information. Yes, I know there are roadworks by Morrisons, I drove past them. Yes, Dad, I know the bins go out a day later because of the Bank Holiday. I don't dislike him really, but it's not a close relationship and I wonder how my personality would be different if I'd had a friendly and supportive father.

BarelyFunctioning · 11/04/2021 16:04

@Hont1986 Again, you've just described my adult relationship with him - right down to the unsolicited advice!

I also wonder often, and somewhat wistfully, what my personality would be like had I grown up with a more friendly, supportive and less critical father. You do wonder.

It has turned me into quite a fearful people pleaser. When I said to a friend the other day that I was worried I might've offended someone, the friend said 'it must be hard work being you.'

It is hard work being me! Smile

OP what do you think you will do? Have you had the conversation with your partner?

expectopelargonium · 11/04/2021 16:11

I'm just being sensitive and hate being told off!

You're not being too sensitive. Why does he think he has the right to tell you off? A relationship should be completely equal. There should be no superior being who tells the inferior one off when they do something wrong. He is not the boss of you. No adult should ever feel scared of being told off in their own home.

Nomorenomorenomorenomore · 11/04/2021 16:14

Your instincts are screaming at you.

Please listen!

TitaniumTess · 13/04/2021 03:37

I have just got out of 4 years of this. The hours I spent googling 'emotional abuse.' Read some articles. Watch for other patterns - sulking, spoiling family occasions etc.

Also, maybe jot down a list if you can safely or use a free app that lets you track situations. I started to message my Mum what was happening. For every 1 thing I remembered, there had been another 10.

gutful · 13/04/2021 05:25

Not putting your dirty plate in the sink, leaving worn clothes not in the hamper or not or rubbish away are things many would comment on & that's part of running of a household & basic respect.

The difference is if the things you say you are doing "wrong" that he pulls you up for are actually basic chores - OR if they are just random things he is particular about & nitpicking.

The 2nd one is controlling - the 1st one isn't.

That you feel a sense of stress & anticipation waiting for him to comment on things you've done wrong suggests to me you have a sense of walking on eggshells around him.

What are examples of things you've done wrong? If you said you didn't want to something his way anymore how would that pan out?

Accentor · 13/04/2021 05:39

It's not remotely normal or acceptable to be scared of your partner.

What would happen if, next time he opened his trap to criticise, you told him to fuck off?

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread