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Original poster

How many dates

50 replies

superwoman232 · 07/04/2021 22:17

Before you should bring up being exclusive? Is there a norm? How do you not act too needy or keen? Been out of the game for 10 years but met someone I like.

I'm finding this guy hard to read. Been in three dates, he is always texting me good morning and good night, and we talk a lot. I feel like I've known him for years and years. And I think I want more and I could fall really hard. Is it ok to message him first?

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 07/04/2021 22:21

If you want to message, do it. Assuming it’s a chat. To discuss exclusivity, not a text, not after a couple of dates,

seensome · 07/04/2021 22:36

I think the answer is going to be different for everyone but personally I would know after 3-4 dates if I like them enough to go further, I guess around the time you want to sleep with him.
Don't worry about being seen as too needy or too keen, you need to know and if he feels the same then he won't make you feel like that. Probably best to bring the conversation up in person.

Wanderlusto · 07/04/2021 22:46

Depends if you mean a casual 'are we just dating eachother for now' chat or the actual 'in a relationship' chat. I'd say from maybe 5 dates onwards really...

I'd find his need to text me good morning and good night every day a bit creepy though. I mean especially considering you havent had the exclusive text yet.

Be careful he isn't love bombing you.

SarahBellam · 07/04/2021 23:11

Don’t even go there until you’ve been dating a month or two. If you’re on OLD continue to talk and date other people. Do not put all your eggs in one basket. 3 dates is nothing. These boards are full of women who have been ghosted after a few months and can’t work out why. I met my DP online and I knew straight away that he was the one for me, but continued to date (mostly coffees and lunches) for a bit. When he told me he loved me at around 3 months in, that’s when I cancelled my membership.

WatieKatie · 07/04/2021 23:16

Another vote for waiting a good three months.

Itlod1982 · 07/04/2021 23:22

I don't think there's anything wrong with sending him the odd text first but let him instigate it the majority of the time.

In terms of the exclusivity talk, my experience is to let the guy bring it up. Until he does keep saying other people. If you ask him, you're basically telling him you're not interested in anyone else and if he knows that he'll be less interested in being exclusive!!

Very aware of how much this sounds like 'game playing' but after 15 years with my exH I was very naive to OLD and didn't appreciate how normal it is to chat to & date others at this stage. Took me years to get my head round it!

My general rule is that sex and exclusivity shouldn't be too far apart. I wouldn't regularly sleep with someone without exclusivity (although you might want to check for chemistry before committing)

Dery · 07/04/2021 23:23

A third vote for waiting 3 mths.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 07/04/2021 23:42

Let it grow organically don't put pressure on it but at the same time have your boundaries and stick to them. For example, when I was OLD I wasn't always looking for something full on with someone, sometimes I just knew it would potentially be a physical thing but they didn't hit my wants for a relationship. I don't have a problem with a causal thing but I wouldn't want to find my self in a FWB situation without knowing it while becoming emotionally attached, it's a fine line. So my boundary was that if I liked someone enough to see potential I didn't really want to be having regular sex with them not knowing whether they were also having regular sex with multiple other women,all be it safe sex.
I don't believe in having to wait foe the bloke to bring up the subject of exclusivity, fgs it's 2021 If I want something or need information I'll ask for it then make my decision based on how I feel and what I want. Tbh 3 dates in is not long at all, nowhere near enough time to know whether he is the kind of person you want to start developing something with, you hardly know each other at all so I would wait a few more weeks and multiple more dates before I was sure that I could even imagine progressing it and there for having the chat, either with him or myself instigating it.
If you want to take it further physically do so, but make sure at this stage you're doing because you want to and not based on hopes of what it could be, iyswim. It's tricky with OLD and can take a while to get your head round understanding that it's about what you want, need, feel comfortable with, allowing yourself to open to opportunity while at the same time remaining emotionally grounded and absolutely realistic about your expectations of others.

Original poster
superwoman232 · 08/04/2021 00:07

Is 3 dates within a week too much? All instigated by him.

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 08/04/2021 00:11

@superwoman232

Is 3 dates within a week too much? All instigated by him.
Potentially.

I'd probably pace myself to 4 - 6 dates per month (with him) Cause what's the hurry, you know?
Whirlwind things can be part of lovebombing.

Plus it doesnt harm to show early on that you have other things to do apart from be at his beck and call.

Wanderlusto · 08/04/2021 00:19

And tbh op if you've been getting morning and evening texts from him and 3 dates in one ...he is most likely love bombing. Too much too soon.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 08/04/2021 00:20

God I'd be bored by the 3rd date in a week lol. I'd also be cautious that he was a bit desperate. Why rush things, enjoy this stage and tbh, it's different at the moment I know, but normally (pre covid) between work, friends, family and juat general life I wouldn't want to see someone I'd just met 3 times in a week. I'd defo stick to one a week with a few texts and a call here or there for a while.

MrsMaizel · 08/04/2021 00:21

When I met my now DH we had 5 dates within the first week - some were only short coffee meets . He was crap at texting though and preferred to talk face to face.

optimistic40 · 08/04/2021 00:25

I think the guy normally has brought it up and that's after a month or two. I wouldn't be comfortable doing it, but it takes me a while to decide, feels nice seeing how it goes. If it's bothering you and you're happy talking about that then do it whenever you like - obviously be prepared to walk away if you want different things

SleepySundays · 08/04/2021 08:14

I’m old fashioned with dating and let the guy take the lead with it, you avoid rejection at least that way!
I wouldn’t be seeing someone 3x in one week, you should be busy and less available yourself or you’ll both get bored quickly.
Also try and hold off on sex in case he’s just lovebombing you to get that quickly ! If he is he’ll get bored waiting

Opaljewel · 08/04/2021 08:27

I think honestly??? Don't play by any rules. If you wanted to see each other 3 times in one week that's up to you. There is no wrong or right if it feels right. If it feels wrong then look at it definitely. But just let it grow organically. That way it's natural and not forced. Silly rules about texting and how many times you should see someone is just game playing in my eyes.

Just let it be and don't force it. Too many people try to herd relationships and control it.

StephenBelafonte · 08/04/2021 08:33

It's a discussion to be had face to face, not by text really.

I always have the discussion shortly after i've slept with someone because I don't like sharing my lovers with other women.

DoodleLovin · 08/04/2021 08:35

Are you sleeping with him? If so, defs discuss exclusivity. If you’re more comfortable doing it over text just text him. It’s 2021. A lot of things happen over texts. Not as good as in person but it’s hard bringing the exclusivity chat up in person!

Who cares if it’s 3 dates in a week? It’s really up to you guys and the connection you have.

My SO and I moved in on date 1. Never left each other’s sides. We’re getting married in June 😊

Sunshineandflipflops · 08/04/2021 08:37

We knew after 2 dates that we didn't want to be dating anyone else while we saw where it went. We are still together 20 month later. If I am sleeping with someone, I kind of what assurances that they are not sleeping with other people too but that's just me...I wasn't looking for casual sex without it potentially leading to something more. If they can't give you their undivided attention while you see how it goes then they are not for you, in my opinion.

I do think 3 dates in 1 week is a bit much though. I think a week is a good space in between dates when you are getting to know someone, otherwise you can create a false sense of 'having known someone for years'.

SleepySundays · 08/04/2021 08:42

I don’t think it’s games to pull back a bit. Being busy means you aren’t obsessing about one person and shows you have a life outside of dating. All important for your own self esteem.
Letting him have the big exclusive conversation and initiating most texts, is also a way to protect yourself - let him show you how he feels first. Otherwise, you open yourself up to rejection ‘ ah sorry I don’t want to be exclusive right now’ or he gets scared off by you being too intense too soon.
I actually made this mistake myself , I started to ask a guy how he felt about me, did he love me, way too early and he freaked. I mean you get your answer quickly but it could ruin something that could’ve developed if given more time.
It isn’t game playing to look after your heart 💖

SleepySundays · 08/04/2021 08:45

Actually the exclusive bit is wrong, if you’re having sex, it’s important to know this - but at date 3 it’s still a bit too early give it another month

youvegottenminuteslynn · 08/04/2021 09:40

@Wanderlusto

And tbh op if you've been getting morning and evening texts from him and 3 dates in one ...he is most likely love bombing. Too much too soon.
To be fair, OP is doing an equal amount and says she wants 'more' already. It would all be way too much too soon for me but OP needs to remember her agency in this situation rather than relying on arbitrary rules about what is ok or not ok / when it's ok to discuss something or not etc. All too often I think men are allowed to set the pace and women are passive in the process, which is unhealthy for all involved!
Bluntness100 · 08/04/2021 09:42

I think if you’ve only known him a week it might be a bit early.

Isitreally17777 · 08/04/2021 09:58

Times have obviously changed since I got with my ex, we never even had the exclusivity chat. In fact I don't think I had it with any of my boyfriends. Even now if I was dating someone I would assume that I was the only one they were seeing.

Sunshineandflipflops · 08/04/2021 10:07

@Isitreally17777 I think unfortunately in the new world of on line dating, there are so many 'options' than a lot of people (man and women) continue swiping even when they are dating someone. I think it's called 'keeping your options open' but I have always preferred to concentrate on one person at a time if I like them. Those other people will still be there if it doesn't work out with that one person.

I have been on the receiving end of assuming we were 'exclusive', only to find out after 5 months that he had other ideas so I would always make my expectations clear since then.

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