How many dates

[superwoman232]

Before you should bring up being exclusive? Is there a norm? How do you not act too needy or keen? Been out of the game for 10 years but met someone I like.

I'm finding this guy hard to read. Been in three dates, he is always texting me good morning and good night, and we talk a lot. I feel like I've known him for years and years. And I think I want more and I could fall really hard. Is it ok to message him first?

@Sunshineandflipflops I always found it a struggle talking to more than one man when I was dabbling in online dating. Let alone dating more than one 🤣. I think I would forget who I said what too!

Three dates too soon these days. Although I wouldn't bother with the exclusive chat, I'd move straight to the 'boyfriend' chat after 1-2 months of dating - ideally wait for him to bring that up. On the other hand, I'd say you should get a good 'feeling' you're exclusive from the start, if it's a good relationship.

@Isitreally17777 Yes, me too! It just didn't sit right with me at all to multi-date.

I’d say a few more weeks yet. And while I wouldn’t back off to play it cool/games, I’d back off a bit in your situation because you’ve only known him a few days and you think you could “fall hard”. You’re rushing in with someone you’ve only known a few days.. Take a bit more time abs really get to know him.

@Isitreally17777 100%. I also have a child, a job and a life and I can't be dating several people because it is a lot of effort. So yes all my eggs are in his basket but more because I don't have room for anything more. Is that so wrong?!

I was an all eggs in one basket type too. Couldn't be arsed with the game playing.

When I met DP I just knew he was the right one. We never discussed it, we just knew we were in a relationship from the get go.

@superwoman232 nope not wrong at all. Like you I have a busy life outside of dating so I'm the same all my eggs were in the one basket with the last guy I chatted with and met(he is nice however his life is a mess and he has gone off to sort himself out but I'm busy doing other things so am not thinking of dating at the moment, if he comes back who knows though).

There's nothing wrong in just seeing one at a time and I'm the same, I'm in the minority that I think three months is a bit long to not know where you stand with someone but I am a bit cut and dry, I either like them or I don't. it's only being exclusive not a contract that you must stay together, if you like him enough ask as it would be worse to get your heart broken after months of dating to find out he's still dating others.

I just stop using OLD when I meet someone I like and I assume that they do the same. It's implied these days.

Any man who says "well you didn't say you wanted to be exclusive so I kept sleeping with other people" is a moron. If they like you they'll just stop.

@wusbanker and what if they don't and you end up with a nasty STI? Loads of men on apps will happily have sex with someone and let them 'assume' it's exclusive when it isn't at all.

[quote Rozziie]@wusbanker and what if they don't and you end up with a nasty STI? Loads of men on apps will happily have sex with someone and let them 'assume' it's exclusive when it isn't at all.[/quote]
If someone likes you then you'll know, if they don't you'll be confused. I know if someone is still sleeping around.

5th date we had sex. He's been texting as normal... but not arranged to meet up again. This happened last Saturday - Sunday night. I would like to see him again. But not sure I should bring it up and I also don't want to seem desperate / available. He hasn't brought up exclusivity. I don't know what to think.

Bless you - it’s all so tricky.

My personal advice would be, if you want to see him again, suggest a meet up. My fella is a big grown-up man with loads of experience behind him, but we met through OLD and he waited for me to make the first moves, always. I was the first one to suggest a meet-up after first sex - all that jazz. . It’s his form of being respectful. (Whenever I did suggest anything, he bit my hand off, God love his soul! .)

OP, should it so chance that your date guy is a cunt who has dicked you around (and there doesn’t seem much evidence tor this) - way better to see where the land lies, and if it doesn’t lie well, walk away now with your head held high than to sit around waiting for him to text.... (says the woman who has done that way too much in her life - but please learn from my bitter experience.....)

Good luck! Xxx

Just ask him the questions you're wanting to know, don't wait on him, ask if he wants to meet again, ask if he would like to be exclusive with you, you might not get the answers you're hoping for or flakiness but at least you know where you stand, if he doesn't want the same as you it's better to know sooner rather than later.
It's not being desperate or too available, the right man for you will as eager as you, if you don't speak up then you risk being used and being taken advantage of.

@Lovelydiscusfish - thank you. He is fairly shy, but he's also very responsive. Doesn't play any waiting games on text. Today he went out to the pub and then texted me before bed saying he was sorry he hasn't been touch (he didn't text me for about 5 hours, not 3 days!). He doesn't seem like a dick. I reiterated I had a great time on Saturday but he didn't ask to meet up. Tbf he was probs drunk and not thinking straight or taking my hint. I will just put it out there tomorrow I guess....

He sounds like a nice fella! Maybe doesn’t want to rush you, isn’t sure what you want.... Men totally have these feelings too! (And good on them).

My second date with my now boyfriend turned into a whole weekend thing - but I remember, after I left him, after a couple of hours deciding to text him to say what an awesome time it had been, and please could we repeat it? And he hit me straight back! (He always has.....)

To me it’s fine, lovely in fact, when men allow us to set OUR pace for dating. Rather than stalking us, demanding meet-ups etc etc.....

Take some control and stop being so passive! Ask him to meet up. Ask him where he sees the relationship going. Tell him you’re not into seeing multiple people at once. It doesn’t all have to come from him. Don’t hang about waiting for him to dictate how things develop and become confused and anxious in the process. Speak up for what you want and expect. If he won’t meet those expectations, move on.

@TedMullins thanks. He's been texting a lot but again I'm not sure why the reluctance to ask me to meet. I guess I will have to ask first

He honestly could be shy, and wanting you to make the first move. If he’s still texting you lots he obviously didn’t have an awful time, OR just think he’s got what he wanted now and that’s it. Otherwise why text - why not just ghost you?

Pick a time that you are free and ask if he wants to meet. Then you’ll know and can stop agonising (and honestly, I don’t think you have much reason to fear.....)

I do understand the nerves about it tho - I really do. Bless you.....

I’m not sure I’d have the exclusivity chat over text myself, mind - but there’s nothing wrong with doing it that way if you want to. I’d find it a bit of an intense topic for text, but that’s just me.....

TBH my boyfriend and I never formally had it as such. I assumed from the intensity of his texting, and the fact that we chatted about what we were doing each evening, that he wasn’t dating others. And after a few dates he referred to me as his girlfriend, so at that point I suppose I knew for certain. And he presumably knew from the fact that I didn’t respond “Don’t call me that you possessive bunny boiler!”

@Lovelydiscusfish I might do that tonight if he still doesn't offer....

I don't ever initiate texting first, btw. He always does. Maybe he's waiting for me to initiate this offer

[quote superwoman232]@Lovelydiscusfish I might do that tonight if he still doesn't offer....

I don't ever initiate texting first, btw. He always does. Maybe he's waiting for me to initiate this offer [/quote]
Maybe he feels like you’re not interested because he’s had to make all the effort so far.

I have always had this conversation very early, not to agree you are in a relationship but wouldn't be impressed with someone dating other people at the same time. The way I see it I have kids, a demanding job and home to run. I wouldn't be dedicating my time to getting to know someone who wanted to carry on looking for something better. If they want that then they can crack on and the others are welcome to them.

Update - I just asked him and he said he'd love to. He even cancelled other plans (allegedly) to make it happen because he said he wants to see me. Thank you everyone for your advice. But I do plan to let him know he should also be planning these meet ups.

That’s super news - very exciting!