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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Thrown drink on DP

26 replies

DietCokeandLime · 07/04/2021 21:15

I've just thrown a drink over DP. I feel so embarassed and disgusted with myself. Does this mean I'm abusive?

There is a bit of a back story in that things aren't the best between us at the minute, we were already arguing a bit tonight anyway and I thought he had purposely spilt his drink on my arm/cardigan as we were having our tea. I sat there in shock for a moment, then picked up what was left in my glass and threw it at him. He asked what I did that for and I said because he'd poured his drink on me. He said it was an accident, I said that I saw you it wasn't and walked upstairs.

After a few minutes, I apologised to him and cleaned everything up but he told me to sleep in the spare room tonight.

I'm so ashamed of myself and don't know what to do.

OP posts:

Northernsoullover · 07/04/2021 21:17

Not necessarily but it means that this relationship isn't working.

StephenBelafonte · 07/04/2021 21:18

Probably best if you leave for tonight, put some space between you.

Mellonsprite · 07/04/2021 21:30

If the sexes were reversed, yes I think it would be called out as abusive.
I would say sorry one more time, then sleep in the spare room.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 07/04/2021 21:36

If someone did that to me I'd be ending the relationship, sorry but I would it's aggressive and disresctful. Only you how you normally behave if this is something you normally do and think is appropriate then yes you're abusive. But the fact that you apologised immediately, felt shame after and was disturbed enough to post on here leads me to think that isn't the case op. which means this relationship is, or has become, dysfunctional.IMO and experience when a situation/relationship leads you to react, behave, think or feel in a way that is alien, unnatural or unusual to how you would normally then it's unhealthy and something that you need to extract your self from.

ALittleBitConfused1 · 07/04/2021 21:37

*disrespectful

Zarinea · 07/04/2021 21:43

Well either you're vile to him, or he is so vile to you that you snapped.

Either way, it doesn't sound like a goer, does it?

Wanderlusto · 07/04/2021 21:50

Well what changed your mind that he had spilled his drink on you on purpose to that he hadn't?

Because if he really did do it first deliberately then all you've done is react to that...and then chicken out and appologise to him.

Either way though, doesnt sound like a happy relationship.

Original poster

DietCokeandLime · 07/04/2021 21:51

@alittlebitconfused1 no, I definitely wouldn't do something like this normally. I don't know why I did it. I think it was the final straw and I did just snap but I know that doesn't make it okay.

OP posts:

Original poster

DietCokeandLime · 07/04/2021 21:54

@Wanderlusto Well what changed your mind that he had spilled his drink on you on purpose to that he hadn't?

I'm still not sure that he didn't do it on purpose. I feel like if it was an accident he would have said something like oh shit sorry straight away, but he didn't. I feel like it's 50/50 as to whether it was an accident but I should never have reacted how I did.

OP posts:

ComeTheFuck0nBridget · 07/04/2021 21:56

I don’t think you sound like you’re abusive. You sound genuinely sorry and like there was some build up to it happening. Abusive men don’t ever question if they’re abusive, they think they are justified in what they are doing. Like others have said though, It doesn’t sound like a good relationship.

Wanderlusto · 07/04/2021 22:01

Sounds like he may have been pushing for a reaction from you so that he could reverse it on you and make you the bad guy when you did react?

He is the one that soaked you first and didn't appologise. If it were me, not only would he be soaked, he would be wearing the bloody glass.

DianaT1969 · 07/04/2021 22:03

Things aren't the best between you, you were already arguing tonight, you thought he was capable of deliberately spilling a drink on you.
Time to split for good?

SpringTimeDream · 07/04/2021 22:04

If a man asked that question.....
If a woman asks....

Aquamarine1029 · 07/04/2021 22:07

Save yourself and him a lot of drama and end this shitshow now.

BigFatLiar · 07/04/2021 22:09

Perhaps you can use it as a sign that you need to discuss whats the problem between you just now. Everyone goes through problems. Do you ignore the problem. try to sort it or walk away?

Frustratedbeyondbelief · 07/04/2021 22:10

FGS !! Fucking MN unreality ..

Say sorry. You fucked up.
Sleep in the spare room
Apologies tomorrow.

Rip your relationship apart over a spilt drink and a misunderstanding.

Do people really walk away from otherwise good relationships .

I know you said things have been tricky . Who's relationship hasn't been difficult in these times.?

Only you know what tricky means.
Physically abusive
Emotionally abusive
Financially abusive

Leave.
If not then say sorry and stop obsessing. !

EveWasReframed · 07/04/2021 22:14

If I accidentally spilled my drink on DP of be flapping about with kitchen roll and 'god, sorry' about ten times.

But he just did nothing?

Is this frequent?

JorisBonson · 08/04/2021 06:40

@SpringTimeDream

If a man asked that question..... If a woman asks....

Exactly this. If a woman had posted that her husband had thrown a drink in her face, you would be able to hear the cries of LTB all over the country.

ZigZaggyZoo · 08/04/2021 06:53

*If a man asked that question.....
If a woman asks....

Exactly this. If a woman had posted that her husband had thrown a drink in her face, you would be able to hear the cries of LTB all over the country.*

Even if that woman had intentionally and without remorse poured her drink on him first, then gas lighted the situation to play the victim?

You two don't work, each if you need to find someone who makes you happy.

Somuddled · 08/04/2021 08:04

I'd say this relationship is over. Not a chance I could get over someone throwing a drink at me. I'm just not okay with such big, out of control reactions, particularly not physical ones. Equally, if he did deliberately spill his drink on you first, I'd be out because that such an odd pretty thing to do. I have no desire to be partnered with someone who does either of those things so I just think call it quits.

JustAnotherOldMan · 08/04/2021 11:11

If my missus had chucked a drink at me, I’d be shocked, but it’s wouldn’t be relationship ending, but I would expect an apology.

But I’m the sort of person who would probably make a joke of it the following day, pretending to dodge every time you had a drink in your hand etc

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 08/04/2021 11:15

Don't really understand the relevance of determining whether this one action is 'abusive' or not.

stoopider · 08/04/2021 11:24

Why are you arguing lots and what over?

CloudFormations · 08/04/2021 11:25

It sounds like a completely toxic relationship with very little worth fighting for.

CloudFormations · 08/04/2021 11:28

Do people really walk away from otherwise good relationships

Either OP’s partner deliberately spilled a drink on her then lied about it to her face, or OP wildly overreacts to accidents with abusive behaviours. Either way, how does it remotely appear to be a ‘good’ relationship...?

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