Can I get some perspective on DH's drinking?

[namechangedforthis2021]

Dh has always drank a lot (in my opinion). He thinks it's normal . He doesn't always get visibly drunk but sometimes it does effect him. I'm going to give just a few example and can people tell me how you'd feel if your dp drank this much on these occasions
Pre lock down:
My dads 70 birthday lunch (so midday) dh orders at least the equivalent of a bottle of wine to himself . I was pregnant so had nothing . No one else had more than one alcoholic drink
We go out for meal when ds was about 3 months old, again at midday. Im driving . He had 1 pint 1 large red wine and 1 double whiskey . Had a nap when he got in

If he drives I only have 1 or none . I'm not sure if it's the time of day that bothers me or the fact I just wouldn't do it , am I just a prude?

There are many more examples. Also he can quite regularly have at least 1 bottle of wine on a work night

Its a lot. My DH started off like that. Social drinking but also evening drinking. He still doesn't think an entire bottle of red every night is too much. It is.
During lockdown he became what I'd call a full on alcoholic. It took me a while to realise what was going on, which was incredibly blinkered of me looking back, but I just put his behaviours down to illness/ tiredness/ not eating etc. Its so obvious now.
Over time, his eyes were watery and bleary, his breath was terrible, his hands shook, he vomited all over our new bathrooms and our new bed. He was always 'napping' but always tired.
I saw him on camera nipping out to the car repeatedly and realised it was to swig vodka. He lied. A lot. And I didn't realise that either initially.
If he doesn't slow down now, this is what will happen.
I went into hospital recently. He was supposed to collect me as I'd had a general, but he couldn't, because he'd had a drink. He couldn't last 4 hours.
He also thought he was fine. He is not fine. He did call the GP but he has been managing on his own for a few months now. No alcohol at all. He has had some lapses. I still watch him like a hawk. He still doesn't recognise how bad it got, but he's very ashamed of his behaviour.

I agree it's quite a lot but if these are the extreme examples that you've highlighted I wouldn't be too worried.

If most people picked their 2 or 3 biggest drinking sessions from the last year (well maybe not this last year with covid) I'd say many people would have drunk more.

When you say he often drinks a bottle of wine on a week night. How often? A few times a month wouldn't be too concerned but if it was most nights it'd be a different story

@Cooltalkin yes and I just get the whole 'it's normal' talk

Could he go one week without any alcohol? I doubt it from what I read. I think his drinking is excessive and could be on the path to something worse, and OP you are right to be concerned.

I write having had an alcoholic uncle who died aged 66.

He sounds like my brother in law. Everyone else would have coffee, he’d have beer. Everyone else would have a glass of wine, he’d have 3.
He’s now a twice convicted drink driver and non functioning alcoholic, complete waste of space, and unfortunately still my brother in law

He's definitely too used to drinking a large amount. You need to have a conversation but expect some resistance. He might just need a bit of time to reflect on it, but I suspect he won't react positively. Good luck.

It might be common but it’s not normal and it’s not ok

You need to find out what the reason is OP, does he need it because he likes being drunk/tipsy, does he do it because he thinks it'll help his stress or depression or is he simply addicted?

If someone told me not to drink for a year I could do it no problem whatsoever. I drank most nights when I was a student, but I can take it or leave it and will probably drink the odd glass of wine every now and again but only with food as that's how I enjoy it. I don't go out drinking though so maybe that's it.

Could he go without? that's the ultimate test.

The Occasion drinking seems fine. A box of wine in one night is a heck of a lot, that’s three bottles. 1/2 bottles of wine a week is ok in my opinion, but it’s obviously the upper limit of what he should be having.
He needs regular alcohol free nights, can he go without booze or does he need it every day/get anxious if he can’t have it. I’d be concerned then.

He very rarely goes a day without a drink
Again he thinks everyone else out there is the same
I think he can go without but doesn't want to

I think it’s the ‘at least one bottle of wine on a work night’ that’s more worrying...

So if he had to drive or look after the children you couldn’t rely on him

Is his drinking increasing ?
If it is making you unhappy then he should take notice of that and cut back

If he can’t then that is another problem

This is so difficult.
I agree with a lot of posts, it is excessive but it’s what he thinks and feels about it that matters as only he can change /reduce his drinking.
I would also say during lockdown I found it became my normal to have some wine through the week and before I knew it we were having more drinking wine evenings than non alcohol evenings in the week. My husband stopped and limited himself to a few drinks at the weekend, I found it much harder to stop and couldn’t quite admit it. I was then in that cycle where I’d have a glass of wine early evening and couldn’t then go out a run or go anywhere in the car. I’ve now cut it out completely as I didn’t seem to be able to be sensible eg go with my husbands discipline or just fri and sat nights having a few glasses. I’ve been shocked at how easy it is to sink into that vicious cycle and really rely on alcohol for relaxation. I’m not saying your hubby’s situation is anything to do with lockdown just saying once you are used to alcohol this very difficult to cut back.

It’s way too much.

Again he thinks everyone else out there is the same
Well I'm bloody not. My DH isn't. Some weeks we have a bottle of wine between us, some weeks we don't have any.
When I read your post I screeched, "a bottle of wine TO HIMSELF ... AT LUNCH??!!".

We used to - decades ago - drink G&T a lot, but after clocking that it was making me gain stones, and, the link between alcohol and breast cancer coming out at about the time we lost a relative to BC in her 50s...we stopped.

Sounds like it's just a stupid habit but as PPs have said, change has got to come from him unfortunately...

From experience, I'd be very surprised if he's going any days at all without a drink.

Sounds excessive to me.
And definitely not normal. It also sounds like it impacts on your life as there is seldom a time in the evenings when he would be able to be safely look after your DS.

That was a bit of a drip feed. It went from regularly drinks a bottle of wine to he downs one every night.

The social occasions are fine, but if he’s drinking a full bottle of wine every night it’s too much.

I think it's too much.
Especially if it's most days.

A bottle of wine a day is way too much. That's about 10 units of alcohol... when the guidelines are 14 units a week.

And OP, you aren't blowing this out of proportion or being a prude or making something of nothing.

And you can do nothing at all to fix his problem drinking.

A bottle of wine a night - is it 9% ABV light white wine or 13% (or higher) red? Big difference.

@Sarahlou63 it's usually red
He wouldn't bother buying anything less than 12%

DP drinks too much. Far more before lockdown. For me it wasn't necessarily the amounts (though they were a lot), it was the fact we couldn't go anywhere without him trying to shoehorn a drink into the situation. Every social scenario was centred around a pub. And I stopped inviting him to things with me because I knew he'd just "have a few drinks", get pissed and make a dick of himself - or, worse, pick an argument with me.

I would say your DH has a drink problem and whilst it might not get worse (though it probably will), your responses to it will be what make it a problem for you (IYSWIM). I am zero tolerance with booze now, and I rarely drink at home myself because he's taken the fun out of it for me. I hate seeing him pick up a drink.