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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling like a tit.... is there always another woman?

46 replies

FlorenceandZebedee · 07/04/2021 19:43

So 18 months ago H said he wasn’t happy felt we’d drifted apart weren’t connected etc etc etc wanted to move on and swore there was no one else. Fast forward through 6 months of going backwards and forwards plus some marriage counselling which got interrupted by the pandemic and finally a full separation telling the kids last July-still adamant no one else involved. All fairly amicable and I’ve been very accommodating due to his mental health including some suicidal thoughts. He’s now announced that he’s met someone, started seeing them after Xmas and moved in with her a couple of months ago. So in theory the relationship is 3 months old but they’re already living together. This is bullshit isn’t it? What’s the chances that she’s featured throughout, they work in the same office, anyone had experience of similar?

OP posts:
Clymene · 07/04/2021 19:47

Yes it's bullshit.

www.thescriptonline.com/content/index.php?option=com_frontpage&Itemid=1

GappyValley · 07/04/2021 19:48

Yes, sorry
She has been in the picture all along and they are now both going to gaslight you and lie to your face

PegasusReturns · 07/04/2021 19:50

Yes bullshit I’m afraid.

Sorry you’re going through this. He’s a coward and personally I wouldn’t miss the opportunity to tell him how absurd his cowardly claim is .

CagneyNYPD · 07/04/2021 19:50

It's bullshit. I'm really sorry. So no more needing to be accommodating for his mental health. That's her job now.

CagneyNYPD · 07/04/2021 19:52

Oh and you will never be able to prove it. Don't rise to it. Ignore his big announcements. Focus on the children and the divorce.

Marineboy67 · 07/04/2021 19:52

Sorry to read this & sorry to say that yes, she's probably been there right from the beginning of the end.

Doyoumind · 07/04/2021 19:56

Of course she's always been there but take that as confirmation he's a shit, your life is better without him and you're free to do as you like. The DC won't be very forgiving once they realise - and at some point now or in the future they will.

Onwardsandupwardswego · 07/04/2021 19:56

Yes they come crawling out of the woodwork even if eventually. Xx

BurtonHouse · 07/04/2021 20:08

In 60+ years of seeing marriages make and break I have Never seen one where a man left with out knowing exactly where his next shag was coming from.

BurtonHouse · 07/04/2021 20:09

Oh dear. Did that sound bitter and cynical??? 🤪

Wanderlusto · 07/04/2021 20:09

Id be giving it 'So you've known her 3 months and moved in with her? Well you can forget the kids coming over there for at least another 6 months. She could be anyone. If you want to be crazy, cool, enjoy, but no way are you subjecting your kids to that'.

See how quickly he backpeddles without thinking.

If also ask yo meet her and suss her out. Before my kids went anywhere near her. Plus she might not be as good a bullshitter as him.

Wanderlusto · 07/04/2021 20:15

And when you do meet her, make a point of saying off handedly how you were still sleeping with him right up until the day he left in a 'so it was such a shock at the time! But I'm over it now' easy breezy kind of way and see how she reacts. Because guarantee he will have been telling her he was no longer sleeping with you whilst they were together.

LadyLolaRuben · 07/04/2021 20:16

Im sorry OP, been there and bought the t-shirt. A lot of men seem to have the next woman lined up before they leave. I know very few men who have left a marriage or long term relationship and been single for a while afterwards Flowers

bridgertonian · 07/04/2021 20:16

I mean this in the kindest way possible, and I know it must feel shit and you are raging, but what difference does it make now whether he cheated or not. If he cheated you are better off without him, if he didn’t and is happily moving in with a woman after just 3 months, you are also better off without him! Focus on building the best life you can for yourself and your children and try not waste time trying to prove things or catch him out....from bitter experience it only leads to more anger and unhappiness.

Wannabegreenfingers · 07/04/2021 20:18

Yep, bullshit. Rise above it.

Onthemaintrunkline · 07/04/2021 20:22

@bridgertonian

I mean this in the kindest way possible, and I know it must feel shit and you are raging, but what difference does it make now whether he cheated or not. If he cheated you are better off without him, if he didn’t and is happily moving in with a woman after just 3 months, you are also better off without him! Focus on building the best life you can for yourself and your children and try not waste time trying to prove things or catch him out....from bitter experience it only leads to more anger and unhappiness.
This is a very wise post. Well said.
Original poster
FlorenceandZebedee · 07/04/2021 20:24

Thanks all. I had already moved on myself emotionally but this confession was so text book I wondered if I was going mad. He’s already trying to change the narrative of the last 12 months but I’ve put a stop to that. My big issue is the kids being involved but as one Wanderlusto said there’s no way I’d agree to the children going to someone who’s ‘only’ been on the scene 3 months!
So what’s the next thing? Suddenly the financial agreement and ‘ I don’t want you to change your lifestyle/sell your home’ etc feels like it’ll rear it’s head...

OP posts:
Bagelsandbrie · 07/04/2021 20:28

Yep. Been here, done that and got the T shirt.

The next thing will be the money. He suddenly won’t be able to pay anything towards anything.

My ex dh upped and left and within 2 weeks was amazingly seeing his old ex! Turns out he’d been seeing her every time he went down to visit his Mum - we had moved away from London so when he went back to visit family he was seeing her.

He then said he couldn’t pay anything towards the mortgage or any child support - and then went to Russia with the new / ex woman on a holiday of a lifetime. Dickhead.

StarRabbit · 07/04/2021 20:37

Don't wait for him to alter the financial agreement. Start looking for somewhere else to live, see a solicitor and remember every ending is a new beginning 💐.

Oldbutstillgotit · 07/04/2021 20:46

In my experience he will tell you that he can no longer afford the same level of maintenance, after all he has to live too and he wants the house sold ! Contact will probably reduce too and history will be completely rewritten.

StoneColdBitch · 08/04/2021 09:06

@FlorenceandZebedee

Thanks all. I had already moved on myself emotionally but this confession was so text book I wondered if I was going mad. He’s already trying to change the narrative of the last 12 months but I’ve put a stop to that. My big issue is the kids being involved but as one Wanderlusto said there’s no way I’d agree to the children going to someone who’s ‘only’ been on the scene 3 months! So what’s the next thing? Suddenly the financial agreement and ‘ I don’t want you to change your lifestyle/sell your home’ etc feels like it’ll rear it’s head...
The trouble is, if you refuse to allow him contact if she will be present, he can take you to court, and court will likely say he can introduce her to the children immediately. Courts very rarely back mothers up when they try to insist on a delay in a new partner being introduced to the children. I'd suggest you negotiate with him and try to reach an agreement you're both happy with about when he introduces her, rather than just giving a point blank "no".
frazzledasarock · 08/04/2021 09:12

Hammer down contact now. He should be looking after DC and putting up with the realities of life instead of living his fantasy love story with OW in their love nest without the drudgery of kids and routines etc.

Open Claim with CMS and get child maintenance properly from him.

Get the financial side of the divorce locked down right fast. Whilst he feels like a shit for leaving his DC & you in shit. This remote does not last long, but I’d get him to sign everything over whilst he does feel guilty.

GappyValley · 08/04/2021 10:03

@StoneColdBitch

There is a 6+ month waiting list for the courts atm
So even if he went down that road, it’s going to be the business end of a year from now before OP is forced to let the DCs spend time with her

StoneColdBitch · 08/04/2021 10:07

[quote GappyValley]@StoneColdBitch

There is a 6+ month waiting list for the courts atm
So even if he went down that road, it’s going to be the business end of a year from now before OP is forced to let the DCs spend time with her[/quote]
If she denies contact altogether, can't he apply for an urgent hearing, though?

My experience of the family courts was pre-Covid, so I'm not sure how things are now.

stoopider · 08/04/2021 10:09

Yes it’s bullshit. She’s the reason for the split and he’s been shagging her since before you even knew there was a problem. Hammer down financials now and contact. Make him have the kids every other weekend Friday through to Monday including school drop offs etc. He doesn’t get to just live a single life. He also has to buy all the clothes they wear at his. Go 50% contact now. Hard ball. Fuck him and his carefree life. Let’s see how long she lasts when she’s got kids to deal with half the time.