Feeling like a tit.... is there always another woman?

[FlorenceandZebedee]

So 18 months ago H said he wasn’t happy felt we’d drifted apart weren’t connected etc etc etc wanted to move on and swore there was no one else. Fast forward through 6 months of going backwards and forwards plus some marriage counselling which got interrupted by the pandemic and finally a full separation telling the kids last July-still adamant no one else involved. All fairly amicable and I’ve been very accommodating due to his mental health including some suicidal thoughts. He’s now announced that he’s met someone, started seeing them after Xmas and moved in with her a couple of months ago. So in theory the relationship is 3 months old but they’re already living together. This is bullshit isn’t it? What’s the chances that she’s featured throughout, they work in the same office, anyone had experience of similar?

@FlorenceandZebedee

Thanks all. I had already moved on myself emotionally but this confession was so text book I wondered if I was going mad. He’s already trying to change the narrative of the last 12 months but I’ve put a stop to that. My big issue is the kids being involved but as one Wanderlusto said there’s no way I’d agree to the children going to someone who’s ‘only’ been on the scene 3 months! So what’s the next thing? Suddenly the financial agreement and ‘ I don’t want you to change your lifestyle/sell your home’ etc feels like it’ll rear it’s head...

The problem you have, is you don't HAVE to agree with them meeting her. On his time, he is entitled to introduce them to whoever he wants. I'm not saying that's right, that's just the way it is. The only way you could stop it is on a safeguarding issue through the courts, you can't stop it just because you don't like it. If you deny contact based on this, it won't be looked on by the court well at all and you could end up being liable for all costs as it would likely go in his favour if there is no actual reason for denying contact, ie the children are at risk.

You need to force contact now. Sorry but that’s the way forward. Don’t do the “don’t want her around them”. Forget that. That feels right now because you’re hurting but if you arrange that then you’re stuck full time childcare while he enjoys life to the Max after lockdown. You need to be able to get out at weekends childfree. Every woman who has been through this regrets not forcing 50%. Because eventually you want nights out and a new fella. Go get your new life. Start dating on your childfree weekends. Go get yourself some fun! Make that OW do some childcare for you. She wants your bloke well love, he comes with attachments. Enjoy.

He also has to do all the kids laundry and food shopping while they are with him

Start pissing all over his parade

@BurtonHouse

In 60+ years of seeing marriages make and break I have Never seen one where a man left with out knowing exactly where his next shag was coming from.

Well, my best friend ended his marriage a little over two years ago. No one else involved, and he’s only just started dating — or ‘dating’, given that he hasn’t actually met the woman in question yet.

His wife was heartbroken. Apparently she’s said it would have been easier to understand if he’d fallen for someone else — what she found most hurtful was that he preferred an empty rented flat and their children EOW than living with her.

@Wanderlusto

And when you do meet her, make a point of saying off handedly how you were still sleeping with him right up until the day he left in a 'so it was such a shock at the time! But I'm over it now' easy breezy kind of way and see how she reacts. Because guarantee he will have been telling her he was no longer sleeping with you whilst they were together.

Absolutely. Watch her squirm.

If you haven’t got your breakup financial situation and parenting split set in stone through courts etc after 18 months you really need to do it asap. Because he may well try to tweak it, and also it really should be after 18 months.

As someone previously said, at this point it really doesn’t matter whether he was seeing her or not. It’s long over. And it’s really up to him to parent his own children as he feels fit on the days he has them. I can understand that you’re still obviously upset, but you have to let it go for your own sanity. (Saying that as someone who was cheated on and lied to just the same). If they were sneaking around and lying they deserve each other. At least they’ve something in common - no morals.

And when you do meet her, make a point of saying off handedly how you were still sleeping with him right up until the day he left in a 'so it was such a shock at the time! But I'm over it now' easy breezy kind of way and see how she reacts. Because guarantee he will have been telling her he was no longer sleeping with you whilst they were together.
This. I would be so tempted to do this.

Unless the OW is horrible, don't stop the dc going over there. How old are your dc?
You take the upper hand and have time to yourself. Also, the shock of living with someone who has their children over 50% oft he time might not be what the OW signed up for.
Unless she treats the dc badly, I wouldn't keep them away from her/him.

@BurtonHouse not cynical, just adroitly observed. I agree completely. It's a pattern of behaviour my exh has employed all his adult life. I think it's called 'monkey hanging' or something.

And when you do meet her, make a point of saying off handedly how you were still sleeping with him right up until the day he left in a 'so it was such a shock at the time! But I'm over it now' easy breezy kind of way and see how she reacts. Because guarantee he will have been telling her he was no longer sleeping with you whilst they were together.

Do this...please..

[quote FanPanCan]@BurtonHouse not cynical, just adroitly observed. I agree completely. It's a pattern of behaviour my exh has employed all his adult life. I think it's called 'monkey hanging' or something.[/quote]
I heard it called Monkey Dating - they don't let go of one branch until they're holding on to the next one...

@Swordfish1

Unless the OW is horrible, don't stop the dc going over there. How old are your dc? You take the upper hand and have time to yourself. Also, the shock of living with someone who has their children over 50% oft he time might not be what the OW signed up for. Unless she treats the dc badly, I wouldn't keep them away from her/him.

Exactly this. It will hurt like hell but why should the ow get to have the pre-kids version of the dh? She should get the real version of him, Dad and all.

@riverrunner yes, that is understandably very sad for your friends wife. I hope she has come to terms with it and it hasn’t destroyed her self esteem.

Sorry to hear you’re going through this OP. It sounds like you’ll be better off without him! And my advice is always to kill them with kindness. As much as you feel angry and want to make his life miserable, if you remain pleasant throughout the separation it’s much more satisfying for you as it’ll make him really regret what he’s done! 💗

I think if you start “breezily” mentioning that you were sleeping with him right before he left etc you just make yourself look a bit silly, like you’re still obsessed with him and his life. You might be, but it’s not a cool look. Leave them to it and concentrate on yourself is the best plan..

Please ignore all suggestions to play games/withhold contact from his children/tell the woman how you were sleeping together all along.

Firstly, it’s not up to you to decide who he introduces his children to, because they are as much his children as they are yours, so while you may not like it You’re not together any more, and he has the right to parent as he sees fit, just as much as you do. And the courts won’t look on you favourably, and no, six month court delays is not an excuse to use the children as pawns.

Secondly, while there is every chance he was with this woman before you split, there’s also a chance that he wasn’t. I know at least two couples who got together fairly soon after a split, and they were accused of having an affair, and I’ve read posters say on here that “If someone appears on the scene within a year they were obviously the OW,” wen this so very clearly is not always the case.

Yes, they may have been sleeping together, but equally he may have developed feelings for her and left anyway and they got together afterwards. Either way, if you start talking about how you slept together until the end etc you will look a bit desperate and pathetic. Don’t lower yourself to that. You’re not together any more, move forward with your own life, and be glad you’re no longer a part of his.

Thanks for the messages. I am aware that regardless of what I think is the right thing for the children he has every right to take them where he wants, when they’re with him, as long as there isn’t a safeguarding issue. What I won’t be doing is accommodating it or suggesting that I think it’s the right thing to do. The children deserve to be put first but as he’s told me many times he ‘just wants to be happy’ so they won’t be.
I’ve already got all the financial information I need and have a solicitor engaged so will now be going there next week to start to hammer out formalities and start divorce proceedings. When I believed he was getting his own place and with the pandemic there didn’t feel any urgency as he’s continued to pay exactly what he always has into the joint account, house maintenance account and things for the children etc. I’m not willing for this to unravel and be left in a mess.
It’s very sad just how common this is. I will be doing everything I can to maintain dignity and just focus on details for the children. I’d already got to the point of finding him icky and annoying but have defaulted to being the person who sorted everything because that’s what I’ve always done-I’ll carry on with this but for my well being not his.
Any further advice is very welcome-pitfalls to watch out for etc. Maybe I should read the script-he clearly has!

Out of interest has anyone on here gone for spousal maintenance as well as child maintenance and split of assets? My solicitor talked about it a while ago as H earns aprox 4.5 times as much as me. I’ve had a look online but there doesn’t seem to be any general rule around this. If you went for it and got it what did that look like?

While the offhand comments and controlling visitation rights might be fun and give you momentary satisfaction can I urge you to keep your eye on the prize - a fair settlement, staying in the house, and continued regular contact for him with the kids - ultimately that is what you want from. Everything else is just a distraction. To this end, it is much better to appear to be accommodating and reasonable. Let’s face it - you don’t want him back, you don’t want him to be a dick about money and the house, and you want to make sure he doesn’t become a Disney dad. That is what’s important. All the rest of the stuff is just flim flam.

I'd gaslight him right back. "What do you mean you met her at Christmas? You told me about her months before that, don't you remember?"