I feel so sad about this.

[Spideyspidey]

I’m married with young dc, marriage is ok in many ways. We don’t fight and we get along ok most of the time but we are very separate and in recent years have been more so. We have no sex life whatsoever.
I’ve gradually realised as I’ve grown older that I am gay, please don’t say how awful for DH and my DC, I know it’s awful, I feel terrible about it. I just didn’t know, I always half wondered but I really really really didn’t want to be gay and my family would have disapproved so I’ve ignored it and ignored it and suddenly it feels like I cannot ignore it.
I’ve had a range of things that I thought would make me feel ‘normal’ - once I got the job I wanted, once we got the house we wanted, once I got married, once I had dc - and each time I’ve still felt like something is missing.
I really really really don’t want to be gay, so please please don’t make me feel any worse than I already feel about it.
Is it possible that now I know it’ll just go away again? Once I admitted it to myself it felt so obvious and I feel so stupid for not realising earlier.

This isn’t your fault. Do you think counselling will help you realise that?

How are things with your husband? Do you think he knows or will understand? I think you need to talk to him.

My husband wouldn’t ever understand and I cannot expect him to.
He’s not very open minded at the best of times and I think when it applies to his wife even less so.

I can’t see a way through this at all, I feel so dreadfully selfish. I want to go back to when I didn’t know.

I also feel like most people would judge me hard for breaking up my family over this, a large part of me thinks my time is done. I’ve made these choices and now I’ve no option but to stay because how would I live with myself.
I’ve asked DH is he’s happy with how things are and he says yes.

I think you will be much happier in a situation where you are honest with yourself and those around you.

Would your parents/siblings be supportive? Can you afford to leave your marriage?

That is so difficult op. I'm sorry you're feeling so terrible about it. Do you have someone IRL you can talk to? A friend or colleague who won't be judgemental?

I also agree with above poster, could you go to counselling and get everything 'sorted' in your head before you make any decisions or a plan of action? Understanding your feelings better might help you prepare for what to do next.

I want to add that you have one life, and time is precious. Don't waste time pretending or being unhappy for the sake of others. Put yourself first, a happy mum is what your kids deserve.

Thank you for not telling me I’m a terrible person.

I doubt my parents will be supportive but I sort of feel like I don’t care so much now. I cared a lot when I was younger.
My friends would likely be shocked but ok about it.
I really want to be able to live authentically without hurting everyone I love and I don’t think it’s possible.

Not quite the same but I was living with and engaged to a guy and we were together for a long time. I liked him, he was a nice man. I had previously in my early twenties had my heart badly broken by an abusive older man. All very messy. So the relationship with the new nice man was a relief after all of that, but I knew in my heart that I didn’t love him properly. We didn’t have kids thankfully, but were planning to. I just thought that this was how it was and my life; I liked him well enough, nice house, nice job. Thought I could live with that missing thing that I couldn’t quite name but knew was wrong.

Anyway, long story short was that I left him after I met the man I’m now married to. Nothing had happened between us but it made me sure that something was really missing in my life. And the RELIEF of that was indescribable. Despite the fall out of everything it was so freeing to be honest with myself that I’d been living a lie. I can’t even imagine how you will feel- that multiplied by a thousand I expect. I know kids are involved but life works out, it just does. You owe it to yourself to live an authentic life.

Do what you need to do to be happy. Those that love you will understand, those that don't you don't need in your life. Good luck xx

Could you separate from the marriage first- it’s obviously not meeting your needs and nothing earth shattering about just growing apart. Then after the dust settles you can perhaps have a revelation about why and come out as gay?
You deserve to be happy. And you’ve done nothing wrong. 💕

Your kindness is making me cry.
I watched Philip Scofield come out and lots of people were saying how awful for his wife and dc and it IS awful.
My issue is that in allowing myself to be myself I’m probably going to make a lot of people unhappy.

You don’t have to make a song and dance of telling everyone that you think you’re gay and so are divorcing. You divorce because, as you’ve said here, you are not happy with your husband, you live very separate lives and you don’t have sex. Your husband almost certainly isn’t any happier in the marriage than you are.

Once you’re in control of your own life and don’t have to consider your marriage, that’s when you can give yourself the space and time to think about what you want and what you’d like a new relationship to look like. It’s not a decision you have to make right now and you don’t have to “come out” until you’re ready to. You’ll find that once you’re no longer worrying about how you reconcile how you feel with being married, things will feel a lot less dreadful and frightening.

People may be shocked at first, it may take time for people to come round so have patience too. It's a shame if that happens, as I wish you all the support in the world. Try and remember: The people that matter don't mind, and the people that mind don't matter.

Sexual orientation isn't a reason for someone to cut you out of their lives. Frankly, it makes them a shit person that you don't need. It's ok to break up a marriage if you aren't happy, regardless of the reason. You don't have to use your realisation as the reason if you aren't ready.

No, I wouldn’t leave and then immediately come out.
But were I straight I wouldn’t be considering leaving at all.

It is not selfish to feel how you are feeling. You have done nothing wrong. So many people cheat these days and you have not indicated you have done that. You cannot help how you feel. You have made a big step admitting to yourself how you feel. You are entitled to be happy. It would be worse to go on another few decades living a lie, for all of you. People will come to accept it in time. Circumstances often change for people and children are very resilient.

I am sad. I just want my family.

I can’t see how I can stay as I am and it feels so unfair.
I don’t want to be gay and I want what I have to be enough and it isn’t.

Would my dc ever forgive me?

How old are you?

Are you and your DH young enough to start over again with the 'loves of your life'?

He deserves to have a wife who fancies the pants off him (literally!) and so do you!

Your children will always love you and respect you for being authentically you. Screw those who judge!

You are not responsible for how other people react. You are responsible for your own health and happiness. No one can say you haven’t tried and with sexuality you cannot help how you feel. I think you need to be brutally honest with your DH and take it from there. Try not to think about everything at once (I.e. the whole fall out) deal with one thing at a time. He could very well l surprise you and be kind and understanding?! He is your husband after all so obviously loves you. Although he is likely to be bewildered and possibly angry at first, I’m sure he will eventually come to understanding with time. You aren’t a bad person, you are just trying to keep your head above water in a tricky situation. Be true to yourself.

As for your family. Not the same situation AT ALL but my marriage broke down when I had an affair. I was 100% sure my family would disown me and I would lose my DC etc etc. Turned out it was the complete opposite. They were amazingly supportive because they love me, and my relationship with my DC has never been better than it is right now. Granted DC doesn’t know the story and will eventually find out which is definitely daunting for the future, but you cant live life worrying about what might happen. I have my reasons for what happened and just have to hope that even if DC is angry at me when it comes out, will eventually as an adult understand them.

Ahh I really feel for you OP. This is such a difficult situation. As someone else has already said, it actually shouldn’t be all about your sexual orientation but more about your marriage not being healthy for any of you. Obviously you are not I love with your husband and he deserves someone who is, just as you deserve to be true to yourself, and your children deserve happy, fulfilled parents. None of these things seem likely in the current situation. Perhaps living separately would give you both a chance to reconsider what you want from life. Whilst it might be painful in the short term, it would probably be better for everyone in the end. I agree that counselling might be a good first step before committing to anything though.

I’m 36, but DH is 48.
I was only 21 when we married. Dc are primary aged.
Thank you for your kindness. The trouble is that I want to stay where I am and I’m just not sure I can - which I know sounds melodramatic, I mean I’ve done it this long.

@Spideyspidey, I've name changed to reply here as it's outing, but my mum was a similar age to you when she realised she was gay and left my dad. I was four or five.

I forgave her - there really wasn't much to forgive for me, in terms of her divorcing my dad, although she gave him primary custody and there were some other difficult parts to our relationship where she prioritised pursuing romantic relationships over my sibling and I.

My mum happily remarried. I adore her wife. Their relationship was the best model of a relationship I had growing up.

My mum died of cancer a month ago and my dad, who is also remarried, spoke to her not long before she died to forgive her and to tell her he absolutely respected her for being her authentic self and leaving him, and praised her courage for doing that.

She was an incredible woman. If your children are primary age they won't know much different.

Thank you SwirlsMcGee Your mum sounds very strong.

I would hope to keep primary custody of my children, I’ve been their primary carer thus far and I wouldn’t want to lose them. Any relationship I entered into I’d take very slowly and probably wouldn’t tell my children about my sexuality until I was (if I’m ever) in a serious relationship.

I’ve got a constant internal battle really, weighing
up what I’ve not accepted to myself and my responsibility to my dc and my DH.

now accepted.