I feel so sad about this.

[Spideyspidey]

I’m married with young dc, marriage is ok in many ways. We don’t fight and we get along ok most of the time but we are very separate and in recent years have been more so. We have no sex life whatsoever.
I’ve gradually realised as I’ve grown older that I am gay, please don’t say how awful for DH and my DC, I know it’s awful, I feel terrible about it. I just didn’t know, I always half wondered but I really really really didn’t want to be gay and my family would have disapproved so I’ve ignored it and ignored it and suddenly it feels like I cannot ignore it.
I’ve had a range of things that I thought would make me feel ‘normal’ - once I got the job I wanted, once we got the house we wanted, once I got married, once I had dc - and each time I’ve still felt like something is missing.
I really really really don’t want to be gay, so please please don’t make me feel any worse than I already feel about it.
Is it possible that now I know it’ll just go away again? Once I admitted it to myself it felt so obvious and I feel so stupid for not realising earlier.

Bumping in the hope of other experiences and advice.

As you say something is missing in your relationship and irrelevant of how your family or husband feel about the situation.

Could you access counselling to help you make sense of how you are feeling to possibly help you feel More confident / stronger prior to discussing with your family? I wish you all the luck in the world, please do the right thing for you. You only have one life.

I know a woman from the school run who is gay, she was married and had 4 children. She left her husband and is now married to a woman who was also married to a man and had children! They're really happy and so are the children. I'm sure it wasn't all so easy but they'd tell you it's worth it.

Something is missing, at one point I even thought it might be religion or something, even though I am not religious and never have been. Something has always felt misaligned and when I finally realised (after having therapy for something else) it seemed obvious.
I’m just so sad that I didn’t realise this twenty years ago before I had my dc and married DH. I’ve wasted so much of Dh’s time.

@Spideyspidey, I think if you plan to leave you should do so sooner rather than later whilst your kids are so young.

My mum's sexuality was entirely normal to me.

My dad moved on and remarried. He felt bitter towards her for some time but that faded, and I never saw any nastiness between them.

You might feel like you've wasted his time, but if you don't consider moving on then you'll only waste more?

It depends if I decide I can stay forever I guess.
Part of me thinks we’ve been married a long time and marriages break down for all sorts of reasons and no one accuses the other of wasting their time. I got married in good faith, I didn’t know. I realise it probably sounds ridiculous to people with no experience of this but I really didn’t know.

My DH would be very bitter and it’s likely he would try and use it to stop the children from seeing me. His entire family are homophobic. They didn’t want my male gay best friends at our wedding. Not so much DH but his family made comment and said things like ‘don’t let me get too near them or I’ll have to punch them.’

Of course you did, no one goes into a marriage thinking it will end however it does. But things change and people change. However I would urge some counselling and if/when you tell DH try and get him to couples therapy to decide what route you take as parents and spouses. My biggest regret about my marriage is not talking to someone before making any decisions.

Pretty sure he cannot stop you seeing your children because you are gay. You have to have a very very good reason to prevent contact. If you have gay friends, talk to them and I’m 100% sure they will support you no matter what happens.

No, but it’s what he will say to my children. It worries me a bit.

Marriages end. People fall out of love. People want something else.
Change happens.

I don't think you should live your life a certain way just because you said you would (age 21!). It's also not realistic that you can live the rest of your life like this. In 10 years / 20 years time you'll be so unhappy, that's no good for anyone.

Your children will love you regardless. And your family and friends will probably be less concerned than you think. Who is anyone to judge.

My poor DH though. I think I possibly feel worse about him than I do my dc. I think they will be ok after the initial upset. DH doesn’t really have much of a support network.

Damn. I just wrote a long reply and my phone froze. The short version is your H is a homophobe and that is reason enough to divorce in my book. You don’t want your children living full time with a bigot. (Btw he won’t have a chance of being the RP just because you are gay)

Move on with your life and be happy.

No I want my children mainly with me but I recognise he is likely to get 50/50 if he wants it, even though I don’t think that would be the best thing for them. I’m not saying that to be selfish and I’d never stop them seeing him but I am the altogether more involved and more reasonable parent.

My exDH came out to me when he was 44 and I was 45. We had two school age children. The relief for both of us was enormous. Like you we had a sexless marriage, though we got along pretty well, both have good, professional jobs, similar parenting styles, and moral and ethical values. On paper we were perfect for each other.

Please think of your husband in all this. He will know something isn’t right. By letting him go you will give him the chance to meet someone who really loves him the way he should be loved.

We are now 7 years down the line and happily matched with new partners and we all get along really well - even spending Christmas and the kids birthdays together. My ex is one of my closest friends and we see each other most days - we’re even doing a consultancy project together. The kids are happy and well adjusted. They didn’t have to move schools or house - that was in part our almost superhuman efforts to put them at the centre of our decision making and organise our lives to minimise disruption to theirs. He was generous financially which made everything so much easier. I’m glad we split. The thought of enduring another 40 years of the marriage was unbearable to me.

I am thinking of him, I also know my story won’t be like yours - which must have been very hard to go through, but I am glad you have met someone who makes you happy.
DH would never forgive me. He calls gay women dykes. It will in no way be amicable even after the dust has settled a bit. I would have to leave the house, he won’t. He will be very difficult at every turn. I suppose I sort of think I deserve it.

It won’t go away. I’m sorry. The same thing happened to me. It’s years since I left now and I still feel like I’m in purgatory. I wish I’d stayed and suppressed it. I know that’s not what you’re supposed to do but I really do. My ex husband makes my life very difficult and although I have a female partner now I don’t think I’ll ever meet anyone who ‘fitted’ me the way he did. I feel like half a mum because I don’t have DC all the time. It’s shit.

So what is the answer?
Just accept I’m not going to be whole or content whatever I do? Can I suppress it again, god I’d really really like to.

I don’t strive for ‘happy’ but I’d settle for not restless and sad.

Having spent years in an unhappy marriage I know how soul destroying it can be. For all of your sakes, I think you need to talk to your husband, I don’t think you necessarily need to bring your sexuality into, you’re unhappy and unfulfilled that’s reason enough to leave. Though perhaps as others have suggested some counselling to get your head straight beforehand is a good idea.

What really struck me is that you were 21 when you met, so you’ve done all your growing up with him as your main influence so no wonder you were in such denial about your sexuality. Also at 33 he was probably very sure of himself and who he was and this seems like an unbalanced relationship.

I was only 19 when we met. I think I was too young really, but I don’t use that as an excuse. I was 21 when we married.
I don’t know adult life without him. I’m not sure I’m brave enough but the alternative doesn’t seem viable either.

My advice when divorcing a vengeful homophobe.

Leave the marriage.

But stay in the closet as long as possible. Or at least until all the legal stuff - custody and finances- is 100% finalised.

After all, you are not in a gay relationship and will probably not be in one for some time. What is the need to proclaim it?

And even when you do, your kids and your ex do not need to know its a relationship until you feel safe. Women make new female friends and nobody blinks an eye.

People leave marriages because they're sexless. That's reason enough. People leave marriages because they have failed in their romantic and intimate components, as yours have.

People leave marriages because they got married at 21 and have fallen out of love.

There are half a dozen reasons for splitting up that have nothing to do with your sexuality. I see no benefit to throwing that grenade into the conversation.

They don’t need to know immediately. I just know to the outside looking in it appears I have everything I could want and people won’t understand.
I don’t feel close enough to talk to DH about it either, he’s not my best friend and I don’t feel comfortable with big conversations.

@Spideyspidey

They don’t need to know immediately. I just know to the outside looking in it appears I have everything I could want and people won’t understand. I don’t feel close enough to talk to DH about it either, he’s not my best friend and I don’t feel comfortable with big conversations.

You can leave a relationship because you're unhappy. He should be your best friend and you should be able to talk to him about anything. I understand you won't want to talk to him about your sexuality but I mean talk to him about the fact you're unhappy and want to split up. You are only young , whether or not you end up in a relationship with a woman, I think you'll feel happier away from this marriage.

I can’t talk to him about anything. There’s a lot of distance between us.
I have told him before I was unhappy and he was very angry about it so I shut up again.

Maybe he gets angry because deep down he also feels miserable and he can't admit it to you or perhaps even himself? It is unlikely he is blissfully happy and unaware of the issues in your marriage.

You didn't realise you were gay when you married. That's not your fault. But now you have realised, I can't see how you can suppress it or put it into a box. Also you're not happily married either. Your husband isn't a friend and you can't talk to him. Imagine you weren't gay but straight. Would this be a good marriage? You can leave on these grounds alone and park your sexuality for now, until you are in a place to consider what you might do about it, if anything.

He got very angry and said ok we’ll have sex then.
It was not very nice.