Why does his ex annoy me so much

Cloudfrost · 07/04/2021 17:48

his ex is nothing to do with you.your problem is not her, its him being spineless. he need to make formal child arrangements at court.unless he does, the situation will never change

UhtredRagnarson · 07/04/2021 17:51

What’s their normal contact arrangement? If he wants the child for extra during Christmas and Easter holidays then he needs to make it part of their arrangement and not just ask when he has time off work.

Original poster

mumsybear86 · 07/04/2021 18:23

@UhtredRagnarson

What’s their normal contact arrangement? If he wants the child for extra during Christmas and Easter holidays then he needs to make it part of their arrangement and not just ask when he has time off work.

It's difficult to make arrangements to have him any extra days so far in advance.we can't commit to anything before he has chance to book his holidays, so when we know when his holidays are,we pass this info on to her and then the problem a rises! We've given a years worth of dates and I bet she will still have a problem! My partner passes the dates on and gets told to tell her closer too as she won't remember. This is what we're working with 🤯

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Lbnc2021 · 07/04/2021 18:24

Why doesn’t he go and get a court order and then everyone knows what’s what?

UhtredRagnarson · 07/04/2021 18:27

Yeah it needs to be formalised with a court order. Also google family calendar for contact. Your DH can put on his holidays as soon as he knows them and she can see straight away so they can arrange contact. Is the normal contact a regular standing arrangement?

Original poster

mumsybear86 · 07/04/2021 18:29

@Cloudfrost

his ex is nothing to do with you.your problem is not her, its him being spineless. he need to make formal child arrangements at court.unless he does, the situation will never change

They have got arrangements and we have him every weekend but the problem arises if we ask to have him any extra when the school holidays come round. To be honest I don't see what the problem is as out of the four days he's in her care she sends him to his grandparents house for two of those days/nights as she's got to have her social life 🙄 so she looks after him for 2 out of the 7 days in a week. I know he's spineless, I've said this many of times but he just won't say anything."he doesn't want to rock the boat"

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UhtredRagnarson · 07/04/2021 18:34

the problem arises if we ask to have him any extra when the school holidays come round.

Tbf the school holidays are known in September. Your Dh should be planning his contact in advance using these dates. She doesn’t have the luxury of just waiting to see when she has holidays in order to arrange seeing her child. She has to have him during those holidays so it probably annoys her a bit when your Dh rocks up at the last minute saying he’s off work and can he have the child.

Nasty dig about her having a social life. Don’t tell me your Dh never goes out.

Original poster

mumsybear86 · 07/04/2021 18:35

@UhtredRagnarson

Yeah it needs to be formalised with a court order. Also google family calendar for contact. Your DH can put on his holidays as soon as he knows them and she can see straight away so they can arrange contact. Is the normal contact a regular standing arrangement?

He says he doesn't want to go to court as he doesn't want it to get messy for their sons sake! We have him every weekend and have done from day one and we never have any problems with them arrangements. It's just if we ask to have him a little longer. Her words were..."so you can play happy families" so it's just out of spite 🤯

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UhtredRagnarson · 07/04/2021 18:38

Sounds like the spite goes both ways tbh

ItsNotLoveActually · 07/04/2021 18:52

Yeah she's being a spiteful cow and not looking out for their DC's best interests (am saying this on the proviso that dates are given in advance) Unless there's a formal arrangement to have his DC xx amount of days in the school holidays, then there's isn't a lot you/he can do about it. Unfortunately it's unlikely the situation will get better any time soon. How old are the kids? Hopefully they'll find their voices soon and this might persuade her to be more flexible.

ItsNotLoveActually · 07/04/2021 18:56

Ah, posted before your update. So, if it's every week-end, you don't do any of the routine stuff, school runs etc. I can maybe see why she's a bit peeved thinking he is a Disney Dad.

Original poster

mumsybear86 · 07/04/2021 19:13

I'm not spiteful I just get fed up of how things are made difficult for my partner when all's he wants is to have his son. He would be getting slated if he didn't have him! I dont be-grudge her a social life one bit, I know myself from having a child that us mums need a break, it's just she could do that when he is in our care and not do it when its her time with her son.Like I say she has two days a week with him out of the 7. My partner is not a Disney dad! We live an hour away so doing the school runs etc is not possible. We would love to have him through the week (even full time) but it's just not possible and she wouldn't allow it. There's a lot more to all of this but I didn't feel the need to go into it all as I was just having a moan about this one issue and seeking advice.

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Original poster

mumsybear86 · 07/04/2021 19:15

@ItsNotLoveActually

Yeah she's being a spiteful cow and not looking out for their DC's best interests (am saying this on the proviso that dates are given in advance) Unless there's a formal arrangement to have his DC xx amount of days in the school holidays, then there's isn't a lot you/he can do about it. Unfortunately it's unlikely the situation will get better any time soon. How old are the kids? Hopefully they'll find their voices soon and this might persuade her to be more flexible.

Yeah the dates are given for the year but she asks that we let her know closer too cuz she won't remember them all.

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Starlightstarbright1 · 07/04/2021 19:23

Court order or agreeing holidays in advance ie he needs to book first week of easter, etc.online calendar may help.

I personally woukd object to ex having my child every weekend and then wanting more. However it sounds like there is far more to this story.

LadyInParis · 07/04/2021 19:24

So they have an arrangement in place, it works.

He gives her the dates in advance (and closer to the time too)

Then... he comes in and suddenly wants more dates when he knows he’s off work?

It’s not making sense? If I had kids I wouldn’t want mine being carted off because my ex suddenly decides he has extra time either to be honest!!

There are many things that his ex would have to consider (routine, budgeting, mum and son bond etc) before she could just let her son off and go to his dads (or on a holiday!) it’s not so simple as you think.

And consider yourself lucky- if he went through court isn’t it usually every other weekend plus old night a week? So he’s having more than most!

Does he pay child maintenance???

It’s also not your fight is it!? Let him deal with the consequences of his choices (choice not to go to court, choice not to “stand up to her”)

Because these are his choices, you aren’t his mother!

Her social life, and her childcare/ support from family or parents (when she is effectively a single mother the rest of the time) is none of your business!!

Itlod1982 · 07/04/2021 19:25

It sounds like a communication problem between your DH and his ex and it's something he needs to speak to her about....

I can see it from the ex's side as I've had a similar experience with my DDs dad. He has her every weekend (so max 8 days out of 28) leaving me to do the school runs, homework, vast majority of washing, cooking etc then he swans in to have a fun couple of days after all the hard work has been done. Drives me nuts that I have to cover 6 weeks over the summer plus all other school holidays then he sends me a list of dates that's he's taken off work and I'm
just supposed to slot in with his plans and work around that.

Why is he an hour away from his DC? Did he move away?

Why can't he do 50% of school holidays?

UhtredRagnarson · 07/04/2021 19:31

Likelihood if it went to court, bear in mind he would be going to court to secure holiday access, would be that he would get set dates for the holidays. There is no way he would be granted an order that stated he could have whatever holidays he wanted just when it’s suited his annual leave. It would be set dates and he would have to arrange his work schedule around it. So bearing that in mind he should just save himself some money and try doing that now. Agree the holidays with her now up until September and arrange his annual leave to suit. Then set up a google family Calendar and put all the dates into it so he doesn’t have to remind her. Then when September comes there’ll be a new school holiday schedule, they do the same thing again, agree the dates for the next year for holiday contact and put them all in google calendar.

Original poster

mumsybear86 · 07/04/2021 19:59

@LadyInParis

So they have an arrangement in place, it works.

He gives her the dates in advance (and closer to the time too)

Then... he comes in and suddenly wants more dates when he knows he’s off work?

It’s not making sense? If I had kids I wouldn’t want mine being carted off because my ex suddenly decides he has extra time either to be honest!!

There are many things that his ex would have to consider (routine, budgeting, mum and son bond etc) before she could just let her son off and go to his dads (or on a holiday!) it’s not so simple as you think.

And consider yourself lucky- if he went through court isn’t it usually every other weekend plus old night a week? So he’s having more than most!

Does he pay child maintenance???

It’s also not your fight is it!? Let him deal with the consequences of his choices (choice not to go to court, choice not to “stand up to her”)

Because these are his choices, you aren’t his mother!

Her social life, and her childcare/ support from family or parents (when she is effectively a single mother the rest of the time) is none of your business!!

Ok...so let me explain!! He gives a full years notice to the ex in April for the years holidays he's has booked off. His holidays at work run from April to March! When he gives her the years worth of dates,she says" let me know closer too" So that's her request and her decision to not make note of them! He includes school holidays in this to spend more time with his son and that was agreed when they split up. Also!! It was at her request/demand for us to have my partners son every weekend!!! So whilst you wouldn't let your child go every weekend, which I personally agree with too as my daughter doesn't go her dads every weekend either as I want time with her, his ex obviously doesn't feel that way!!! So please before assuming you know the full picture and go on a rant, may be try asking! I did say there was more to this but I would be here all day if I was to go in to it all. Her personal life and childcare arrangements are not my business...I agree! But when she try's to take time off her son spending more time with his dad (which he loves doing) so she can send him to childcare with other people for no valid reason other than she's having a social life then I'm sorry but I feel it's wrong! He should be able to spend more time with his dad and not have to be passed from pillar to post. And yes he does pay maintenance...every month, without fail because he isn't petty, spiteful or anything other than a good dad!

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StephenBelafonte · 07/04/2021 20:03

How old is the son?

Original poster

mumsybear86 · 07/04/2021 20:05

@StephenBelafonte

How old is the son?

He's 8

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Original poster

mumsybear86 · 07/04/2021 20:11

@Itlod1982

It sounds like a communication problem between your DH and his ex and it's something he needs to speak to her about....

I can see it from the ex's side as I've had a similar experience with my DDs dad. He has her every weekend (so max 8 days out of 28) leaving me to do the school runs, homework, vast majority of washing, cooking etc then he swans in to have a fun couple of days after all the hard work has been done. Drives me nuts that I have to cover 6 weeks over the summer plus all other school holidays then he sends me a list of dates that's he's taken off work and I'm
just supposed to slot in with his plans and work around that.

Why is he an hour away from his DC? Did he move away?

Why can't he do 50% of school holidays?

I agree with the lack of communication. He has tried but he gets shut down...it's her way or no way most of the time. So he just leaves it for an easy life at the time which means these things don't get resolved and happen time and time again. It was her request for my partner to have his son every weekend and my partner jumped at the chance cuz he loves spending time with him. She moved away, which is why there is an hours driving involved.

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Wizzbangfizz · 07/04/2021 20:16

I'd think long and hard if you want this to be the rest of your life OP - 5 years is a long time to put up with this and it doesn't sound like your partner will ever back up your feelings on it.

LadyInParis · 07/04/2021 20:16

@mumsybear86

I didn’t say I wouldn’t allow every weekend, I’m not sure where you pulled that from?
I said I wouldn’t allow him to take my child out of the blue, if it was a random time (as opposed to already booked- in holidays) as it seems to read from your post- which is admittedly confusing (April to March ) as well as your updates.

To be honest given your reply- I’m not sure what advice you’re looking for?

We’re not going to sit here and judge her, or him, or you. We’re not going to agree with you if it’s so long and difficult that you can’t give the “long” and “complicated” information that would help us advise you or vindicate you.
Your own partner won’t do anything.
Her private life is her own and you can’t change that regardless of her having her mum babysit for her during the week (passed from pillar to post it’s her family!)
Does she work and thus need to have someone look after her son during this time? You said yourself you’re far away (who moved away you or her?) so you can’t do week days (most of the hardest work re school, hobbies, drop offs and so on) as you said yourself..

So what advise do you want exactly? Apparently not my “rants” and yet.. you haven’t responded well to any advice - not especially the very good (and only thing you can do) advice which is- take her to court!

Though if you do - you will only get every other week most likely plus one evening per week day (which you can’t do so will be letting his son down on a regular basis) and even then as someone said above - you will then have only court allocated weeks with his son during holidays and have to tailor his work to his son rather than when your partner wants to have him based on his work.

Soooo...? What can we help you with!? Genuinely?

Cloudfrost · 07/04/2021 20:18

again , all your problems will be resolved if he went to court.. but he wont...so there is no point in you getting frustrated about his issues because there is nothing you, personally, can do to fix them. you can either 1.accept things as they are, 2. somehow make him stand up to his ex (unlikely) or 3. leave him and the situation.

A spineless guy would totally put me off to be honest

LadyInParis · 07/04/2021 20:25

Any advice out there please on how to keep my calm and to tackle this situation as it's putting pressure on our relationship because I just want him to stand up to her!!

From your own op.

So firstly- you stay calm by keeping yourself out of it as much as possible until/ if he starts to grow a backbone. He complains to you? You just answer “mm hmm, yes, well, go to court as I said before” and rinse and repeat each time he complains. Just don’t invest in the drama.

The second issue- him not standing up to her. Well that’s a “partner” problem not an “ex” problem. That’s probably what a lot of people are not liking re your post, me included. That you are very negative and putting her down - but you’re not seeing the negatives in your own partner here! He is the issue, not her. As @Cloudfrost says- A spineless guy would totally put me off to be honest and so there is no point in you getting frustrated about his issues because there is nothing you, personally, can do to fix them

There are two choices you personally have here. Accept, or leave.