Why does his ex annoy me so much

[mumsybear86]

Well...where do I start 🙄 I've been with my partner now for nearly 5 years but his ex seems to annoy me more and more as time goes on! From the start of our relationship she has been difficult,spiteful and very manipulative! My partner asked if he could have his son in the Easter holidays for a week as we booked a week off work.for most parents this wouldn't of been an issue but she chose to make a scene about it, she did the same at Xmas too!in fact she try's to make life difficult at any given chance over many different things and this is 5 years on. When will it end? She's uses their son as a weapon and it really annoys me! The only person that suffers when she behaves in this way is their son and my partner is to scared to speak up and stand up to her incase she stops him from seeing him. Really frustrating 🤯 cuz I'm the sort of person to approach the situation head on and to tell her grown up and stop being ridiculous, it's so hard having to stand back and watch. Any advice out there please on how to keep my calm and to tackle this situation as it's putting pressure on our relationship because I just want him to stand up to her!!!

Your all right 😔 i have had a day from hell regarding this issue today,I'm just so fed up of it all! I've aimed most of my anger at the ex and not my partner and That's the one thing I have realised from all of your replies and I'm grateful for all ur comments. You've Bought me back down to earth and made me see some valid points! Whilst I don't agree with how she behaves sometimes,you've all made me realise it's out of my control and not left for me to try and fix.

We’ve had some similar experiences with DHs ex and it is incredibly frustrating; unfortunately court is not a straight forward answer. It takes a long time to do and it can do a lot of harm and still not result in things getting better. The way I’ve learnt to manage it is to take a step back from it emotionally; I love DSD and really enjoy it when she’s with us but to manage the uncertainty about when we see her I don’t raise my hopes until she’s actually been collected. After several years of this I also view the decisions around communication with her mum and how to address it as very much his to make as he’s the one who has to deal with the consequences. At a certain point I realised I had to detach myself from getting worked up about his ex and the decisions she makes as it wasn’t doing me any good.

Op. This is a really good post. Don’t worry about being short with us people have bad days. Read this posters words, what an excellent post! And I wish you the best going forward!

@user1493413286

We’ve had some similar experiences with DHs ex and it is incredibly frustrating; unfortunately court is not a straight forward answer. It takes a long time to do and it can do a lot of harm and still not result in things getting better. The way I’ve learnt to manage it is to take a step back from it emotionally; I love DSD and really enjoy it when she’s with us but to manage the uncertainty about when we see her I don’t raise my hopes until she’s actually been collected. After several years of this I also view the decisions around communication with her mum and how to address it as very much his to make as he’s the one who has to deal with the consequences. At a certain point I realised I had to detach myself from getting worked up about his ex and the decisions she makes as it wasn’t doing me any good

@user1493413286

We’ve had some similar experiences with DHs ex and it is incredibly frustrating; unfortunately court is not a straight forward answer. It takes a long time to do and it can do a lot of harm and still not result in things getting better. The way I’ve learnt to manage it is to take a step back from it emotionally; I love DSD and really enjoy it when she’s with us but to manage the uncertainty about when we see her I don’t raise my hopes until she’s actually been collected. After several years of this I also view the decisions around communication with her mum and how to address it as very much his to make as he’s the one who has to deal with the consequences. At a certain point I realised I had to detach myself from getting worked up about his ex and the decisions she makes as it wasn’t doing me any good.

Your spot on! I need to detach myself from the situation and try to switch off my feelings and frustrations on the matter 🙂 it's hard when you can see how it upsets the ones you love and when it upsets you.I'll get there 😌 thank you x

1. Buy her a calendar
2. Get a court order

No excuses.

It sounds like all of you are going round in circles. It must be frustrating for all involved. Hopefully you'll get it sorted soon.

I've been there. Unfortunately there's not much you can do except court if that's the way she is. I can't stand bitter, controlling exes - it's all about them and no thought to the kids. I've dealt with them with both of my exes. I also have children to both my exes and we come and go, it's completely flexible (only time I would be annoyed is if either weren't seeing them regularly but that doesn't happen!) no need for court orders. It's the best thing for the children and everyone's happy.

That might not be very helpful but honestly there's nothing you can do with people like that and even if you go to court, you would need to make sure you could commit to everything 'extra' (hate that when it's the other parent and they shouldn't be seen as lesser just because they're male!) and things are likely to get more difficult if you go down that route.

Wish you all the best, they're not children forever and will remember if one of their parents has been obstructive - another thing I know from experience (with my own mother).

If I had kids I wouldn’t want mine being carted off because my ex suddenly decides he has extra time either to be honest!!

They're both your children, not just yours? 'Carted off'? Maybe your ex doesn't like his kids getting 'carted off' back to you just because you wanted to be the resident parent so you can make the rules. Smacks of projection. They're human beings, not your property.

@mumsybear86
It's difficult to make arrangements to have him any extra days so far in advance.we can't commit to anything before he has chance to book his holidays

Well, that's not how parenting works.
Most parents work and have to cover the 13 weeks holidays regardless. So either he steps up and has half the holidays regardless of what days he has off, providing childcare etc or stops complaining.
He's unwilling to formalise anything. Ask yourself why!
She's most definitely unreasonable, but let's face it, you're judgemental of her, yet she's the one doing the "donkey" work. No involvement with school life etc, I'd say this makes for a Disney dad tbh. He has chosen to live an hour away from his child with you. That's hardly a father so desperate to be involved with their day to day life is it!

Well, this was my first post on Mumsnet and what an experience. It seems as though most opinions are from those on the other Side of this story(the partners ex side). I understand and see both sides to the situation as I have a child myself from a previous partner and have to deal with the day to day tribulations of co parenting! I know a Disney dad when I see one as I have firsthand experience of one of those and my partner is not one!!! I do all the hard work day to day and I am the one constant in my daughters life but I put a side any bitter feelings towards the my ex on how he behaves and the lack of time he gives to my child and allow her to see her dad if that's what she wants, I would never stand in the way. I don't believe in being petty, spiteful or controlling. Like people have pointed out in previous comments, children should not be seen as property or used as a weapon towards the op. I would just like to thank everyone for their opinions and advice where given regardless of if I agree 😊

I really feel for you. I'm in a similar situation, although I don't live with my partner. It's incredibly hard when your partner won't stand up to the ex. Hard because you love your partner, but his previous life is effecting yours.
I posted a few months ago & got a bit of advice. You can either leave the relationship, or shut the conversation down when it's about her. I keep repeating to my partner " You know what the answer is" & don't engage anymore. I can't fix his ex issues, only he can. Tbh I'm waiting to see how things pan out when we get to normality & will rethink what I want from life as we may have another 7 years of this. My partner is an amazing man & we have had great times ( hopefully more) , but the ex situation is driving a wedge between us. Like you the kids are absolutely not the problem, it's the parents playing silly beggars.
Hope you come to a solution