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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Not sure if I can continue with my marriage

32 replies

Kitkat1973 · 07/04/2021 14:20

My husband and I have been together for 17 years and have dd 12 and ds 11. We have been confronted with certain situations since we’ve had children that have made me question our relationship. I had a brain tumour removed when the children were very young, my husband sometimes found it hard to deal with even though I bounced back extremely quickly so his life didn’t actually alter that much. Four months later my mum was visiting for Christmas from Cornwall, she became very unwell and was admitted to hospital (Christmas day) and not long after was diagnosed with terminal cancer, she was in hospital for the following four months before she died. My brother and I tried to make sure that she had someone with her every day but I lived 30 miles from the hospital and didn’t have childcare so it was a struggle, my husband didn’t once offer to take time off work and towards the end when mum was in a hospice and we were allowed to stay the night he asked me who was going to look after the children, in the end it happened over a bank holiday so he was off work (he took them to his mum’s so he’d have help). My dad was then diagnosed with dementia and when we got a call to say he’d had a stroke my brother and I made arrangements to go to Cornwall (where he lived) but this again was with no help from my husband, when I called him to say I had to go he just said he wouldn’t be able to get the time off (didn’t even ask), I was very lucky that a friend offered to look after the kids and get them to school etc. I was devastated when I lost my mum and dad but husbands attitude is that life goes on so it wasn’t really discussed. A few years on and we are drifting further apart (no bedroom stuff in two years, I don’t want to) and our parenting decisions are sometimes miles apart, I just don’t know how much longer I can do this, maybe I’m holding things against him and need to deal with it and move on. There is more but I don’t want to ramble, It has made me feel quite emotional writing it down, thanks for listening xx

OP posts:

Original poster

Kitkat1973 · 07/04/2021 14:25

Just to add, if we split up we’d have to sell and move into rented (quite abut if equity but not enough to buy) uprooting the children scares the life out of me and for all his faults he does love the kids and they love him x

OP posts:

BuddhaAtSea · 07/04/2021 14:28

You are right, he’s proven he is no support to you. It’s not tit for tat, it’s purely the fact that the respect is gone.
My exH is like that, he’s now an ex for a reason.
Your life will be so much easier without him.

I went from that level of utter lack of respect and support to a guy who thinks nothing of picking me up from work because it’s cold/it’s raining. I don’t even have to ask.
You deserve better.

Roopers · 07/04/2021 14:29

I'm sorry to hear you're feeling this way.
Have you tried to discuss how you fee with your husband? That may be a place to start.
Another option is to help yourself first and ensure you're getting the support and help you need and maybe see a counsellor on your own to talk about all of the issues and especially the grief.
They may suggest that you do sessions together along the road and that maybe specific marriage counselling is the way to go.

Good luck with everything.

Aquamarine1029 · 07/04/2021 14:33

You're a stranger in your own marriage, being treated with indifference. Your husband can't even be bothered to treat you like a friend, and too many years have been squandered away on him already. I would refuse to live this way.

wakeupandshakeup · 07/04/2021 14:35

I can relate to what your email written and have a similar situation myself. In November I became very poorly with the Corona Virus and really was too unwell to cope with two kids or even get out of bed. My H went off to work regardless, I wasn't surprised but it made me realise how little he cared for me. We all need someone by our side when times are tough! If you can't rely on the one closest to you they are not worth keeping. It's a really sad realisation but true.

wakeupandshakeup · 07/04/2021 14:36

I can relate to what you've written (just to correct myself there) 😊

Original poster

Kitkat1973 · 07/04/2021 14:47

Many thanks to both of you for replying. You are right in that my respect for him has gone. I have tried talking to him on many occasions but he gets very defensive about it, I can pretty much guarantee he wouldn’t entertain marriage guidance! I just want to make the right decision for my children x

OP posts:

DancesWithCatsnDogs · 07/04/2021 14:48

He can still be a good Dad if you split. Sure the kids will be upset initially but they'd soon get used to a new set up. Sounds like too much resentment to continue the relationship. When you needed him most, he couldn't care less. He's shown you who he is.

Kaleidoscopecascade · 07/04/2021 14:50

I'd of had to walk away after the way he acted after your losses. I could never forget how he acted. You may need to rent for a while but if you would be happier I would go for it.

quizqueen · 07/04/2021 14:56

When respect in a marriage is gone, then love dies along with it.

Original poster

Kitkat1973 · 07/04/2021 15:00

Aquamarine and wakeup thanks for your messages, I spend more time thinking that I can’t live like this anymore but scared about making that final decision. Wakeup I hope you aren’t suffering any long term effects x

OP posts:

SleepySundays · 07/04/2021 15:01

@wakeupandshakeup what did you do ? Have you left him?
My dad is like this with my mum. I sought a dh who would look after me and I’ve been quite ill for a couple of years and he’s done everything for me. I’m so grateful to him for making life easier. It is such an additional burden to have someone who cares about themselves only

Original poster

Kitkat1973 · 07/04/2021 15:11

Thanks for the further replies. I question all the time if I still love him and in all honesty I don’t think I do, I’m not sure if he loves me either, I think that it’s the children keeping us together plus he doesn’t want to live alone and have to do his own cooking and washing!

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 07/04/2021 15:25

I just want to make the right decision for my children

The right decision is the one which provides them with a happy mother.

AmigoingcrZy · 07/04/2021 15:26

Have you talked to him about the way you feel? You have both developed a bad routine with no communication. It doesn't necessarily mean your marriage is over.

If you suggest marriage counselling and he refuses, make it very clear that the only other option is to separate and divorce. If he still refuses to go to counselling then in my opinion he doesn't care enough to try EVERYTHING to fix it.

Step one is talking. Then go from there. You have lost your way but you both loved eachother before. You can love eachother again.

Maybe his way of dealing with grief is to carry on like nothing is happening. Did yoh ever ask him to take time off? Or tell him you needed some support?

Some fathers are stuck in old fashioned ways; mum is the primary caregiver and dad goes to work to support his family. Maybe he thought he was doing the right thing and taking primary care of the children was way out of his comfort zone? Not saying that's the right attitude, just a possibility.

Talk to your husband OP. He is probably devastated it has turned out the way it has too. No marriage is successful without communication and effort. Good luck and let us know how you get on. Xx

Longdistance · 07/04/2021 15:40

I didn’t think my dh would do marriage counselling. We actually did and I’m still with dh.
I think if he said no, I’d have divorced him. I think it’s time to lay the cards in the table and put the ball in his court. If he says no to marriage counselling then I think it’s time to see a solicitor. It really is a miserable place to be in. Resentment can really eat up a marriage.

Chocolateismakingmefat · 07/04/2021 15:43

I would make plans to split. And I hope your dc know what a useless selfish twat he is. Make sure none of you are available should he ever need any sort of care...

Original poster

Kitkat1973 · 07/04/2021 15:48

Amigo, you are absolutely right, there is very little communication about our issues. We talk about the nitty gritty of daily life but that’s it. We have the occasional disagreement which ends in him saying something unkind to me and me going quiet in order to defuse the situation, it’s not healthy I know x

OP posts:

JustWowWowWow · 07/04/2021 15:52

@Longdistance

I didn’t think my dh would do marriage counselling. We actually did and I’m still with dh. I think if he said no, I’d have divorced him. I think it’s time to lay the cards in the table and put the ball in his court. If he says no to marriage counselling then I think it’s time to see a solicitor. It really is a miserable place to be in. Resentment can really eat up a marriage.

I’m sorry to hear about your losses. Having no support from your DH must have been awful. I don’t know how you’ve managed to stay with him through all those years. I agree with longdistance, ask him if he will go to counselling. If he won’t then that’s it, there is nowhere else to go because you have tried talking to him many times over the years and he won’t communicate. If he will go and engages in the process set a timescale for things to change and if they don’t move on. But ultimately you need to do what is right for you and if you feel you are done then get your ducks in a row (sorry for the cliche) and move on. You deserve happiness and your children will adapt and get used to the new normal. If you have to rent it’s not the end of the world and it doesn’t necessarily have to be forever.

Ohpulltheotherone · 07/04/2021 15:52

I couldn’t live with this. I could forgive and let go of the resentment if he acknowledged that the support wasn’t given and that he had let me down (purposely or not!).
If there was admission and recognition then I think you could move past it if you still loved him.
But you’ve said you don’t think you do - and honestly I’m not surprised. He’s let you down spectacularly at the most painful points in your adult life.

Whilst I sometimes think I’d do anything to avoid splitting my children’s family life up - I don’t think I could stay in a loveless marriage. The children will work it out eventually and when they fly the nest, what are you left with? Your best years gone and your kids off living their lives and you stuck at home looking at a man you haven’t loved for a decade.

If he really won’t entertain couples counselling then I don’t think you have much of a choice - the marriage will end eventually anyway and it might be much less amicable than ending it respectfully now.

I feel for you OP

Original poster

Kitkat1973 · 07/04/2021 15:52

I know he would be resistant to seeing a counsellor and to be honest I don’t know if we are past that, I’ll build myself up to talk about it with him. Thank you to everyone that has taken the time to reply to me, I haven’t spoken about this to anyone before x

OP posts:

Horehound · 07/04/2021 16:07

Bloody hell that is really really sad. I wish you'd left him back then but if I were you I'd definitely leave him now.
If he's not been hands on with the kids, will they miss him that much?!

Original poster

Kitkat1973 · 07/04/2021 16:18

Thanks justwow and ohpull, I was absolutely devastated when my mum passed away and I did wonder for a while how on earth I could carry on, I obviously did carry on (thanks to my kids who kept me busy!) but I think my husband couldn’t understand why I cried So much for so long, I think it wore him down in the end. I’m not sure that there is a way back for us, I just need to get my head around the next step. Thanks again for the responses, I have close friends but they all know my husband (such a nice fun guy!) so not sure how they would react to what I’m saying x

OP posts:

AmigoingcrZy · 07/04/2021 16:26

You know in your heart when its over. And if there's no coming back you will have to make the very hard decision of ending your marriage.

I wasn't married and i didnt have children but i did live with a guy who was mentally abusive and leaving him was the hardest thing I've ever done. But now im with someone who treats me like a princess and we are expecting our first child. Im so glad i had the courage to leave and one day you will either look back and think "i shouldn't have stayed, im so unhappy" or "thank god i had the courage to leave, im in the best place of my life".

Obviously, you might feel there's still a chance to salvage your marriage and i believe you should try everything. But i think you already know what you want to do. Good luck again.

ShaaaaaalAhLah · 07/04/2021 16:28

@Kitkat1973
Hi My love, I couldn't just read and not send you lots of love!
Its a shame because his the person who you would expect to support you regardless of the situation, to think he didn't support you or even acknowledge the grief you had gone through or are still going through. Its hard enough having health complications, then loosing dears ones and trying to maintain a marriage with children.

How would he have reacted if the tables turned? would he expect you to understand? if he does then my only word for him is he is selfish.

However, saying that, Have you spoken to him? From what it sounds like you are a very reasoning and understanding person and I feel like you wouldn't bring it up in case of an argument or incase you hear the worst.
My only advise is talk, talk it out, it will open may open a new chapter or it may end this one, but at least you would have peace in yourself and will be able to make the right decision to finding peace.

Sending you lots of love, and best wishes!

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