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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH using Girl Cams?

43 replies

Bobbibruce · 06/04/2021 20:39

I think my DH could be either watching or using Naked Girl Cams on his computer but he keeps passwords private, browses incognito etc.
How can I find out for sure? He is the administrator on the PC as well.
I used to think that everyone was sent spam emails of dubious sites like these as I get them in my tablet. All the devices are linked in the household. I only seem to get these emails after my DH has spent some time on his computer, never any other time. I often wonder if he can see what I am doing on Mumsnet! He has had a problem with porn in the past but I thought he had stopped.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 06/04/2021 20:40

Why would he have stopped watching porn? Seems pretty unlikely

Original poster
Bobbibruce · 06/04/2021 20:44

I asked him not to as someone of what I found was pretty awful without going into too much detail and the girls looked VERY young! @Shoxfordian
I suppose I am being naive in thinking he would even if he assured me he wouldn’t.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobbibruce · 06/04/2021 20:44

Some not someone!

OP posts:
MarshmallowAra · 06/04/2021 20:53

Hidden camera?

Tin hat on ...

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/04/2021 20:54

If he was watching 'pretty awful' porn with 'VERY young' girls in it, why on earth are you still with this man? Doesn't that make your skin crawl? That he gets his kicks from watching young women who look underage / close to it be degraded and abused - or god forbid watching girls who actually are underage be degraded and abused.

The bigger question is why you're choosing to share your life and your bed with someone who finds those things arousing?

Chocolateismakingmefat · 06/04/2021 20:54

Put adult restrictions on the WiFi and keep quiet about it!

MarshmallowAra · 06/04/2021 20:54

*He has had a problem with porn in the past but I thought he had stopped.

what I found was pretty awful without going into too much detail and the girls looked VERY young!*

That's pretty off-putting without getting into whether he's using cam sites.

BurbageBrook · 06/04/2021 20:55

He may be getting cam girl ads if he’s just been looking at porn rather than cam girls specifically. Sex workers are advertised on porn sites.

MarshmallowAra · 06/04/2021 20:56

His use of passwords only he knows and incognito browsing etc suggests he's got stuff to hide (still).

Original poster
Bobbibruce · 06/04/2021 21:32

Thanks for all replies. I think restricting on the Wifi would be good but not sure how to. Will have to Google.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/04/2021 21:36

@Bobbibruce

Thanks for all replies. I think restricting on the Wifi would be good but not sure how to. Will have to Google.
Does it not bother you that he was enjoying watching 'pretty awful' porn featuring 'VERY young' women? Doesn't that make your skin crawl?
Original poster
Bobbibruce · 06/04/2021 21:49

@youvegottenminuteslynn
Yes it does bother me. I’d like to restrict it on the Wifi and see how he reacts. He was full of remorse when I found it last time and promised not to. He said he clicked on one pop up and one thing led to another. I believed him but as I say I was probably very naive in that. And he does behave in some ways that creep me out. Other women seem to enjoy the attention and give me pitying looks as they are under the impression he is only interested in them but it’s not the case. It’s any one of the female species.

OP posts:
gogogogo1 · 06/04/2021 21:53

You can set up logging on your router and see what domains are being accessed by any device connected to it. It's quite easy to do!

XDownwiththissortofthingX · 06/04/2021 21:53

What exactly do you mean by 'all the devices are linked', and why would you get spam emails to your email address after he has been on the internet?

LancesGold · 06/04/2021 21:53

@Bobbibruce Do you mean that he ogles other women in front of you?

Original poster
Bobbibruce · 06/04/2021 22:07

No it’s not ogling only@LancesGold. For example we will be at a function and I see his gaze following a woman we do not know then if she leaves the room to have a cig outside he will say he’s just away out for some fresh air, follow her and engage her in conversation to find out as much as possible about her, giving her his undivided attention. When he does this, I am watching from a distance and any woman he does it to is flattered in the extreme. He is v good looking and they don’t seem to see past this.

OP posts:
MarshmallowAra · 06/04/2021 22:10

Why are you taking behaviour like that? Is it because you have kids with him or ..?

wheresmymojo · 06/04/2021 22:15

Wow...this would be marriage ending behaviour for me. If he does that when you're with him, what on Earth does he get up to when you're not there?

yetmorecrap · 06/04/2021 22:15

If he is using WiFi- google Cisco umbrella and set it up, not hard to do . Wont show actual content , but you will get the general gist of what’s being watched and when — it does however show anything through router— so it’s better if you haven’t got teens around etc.

Original poster
Bobbibruce · 06/04/2021 22:18

Well I have been taking it@MarshmallowAra
It’s just that over the years I fell under his spell as well as he always had a plausible answer when I called him out on his behaviour. I began to think it was me overthinking or overreacting. It’s only recently that I’ve begun to go over everything that he’s done during these years and realise it’s not me! No one sees him the way I do. They all think he’s Gods gift to women. I always get, “And how’s the lovely (DH name)?

OP posts:
Original poster
Bobbibruce · 06/04/2021 22:20

I have a DD and he has a DD.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/04/2021 22:25

@Bobbibruce

I have a DD and he has a DD.
Do you think this is a healthy relationship dynamic to be bringing into your daughters life?

Sorry but you're with a man who makes you feel anxious, shit about yourself and who has form for watching what sounds like disturbing porn featuring in your words 'VERY young' women.

Hell would freeze over before a man like that was in my daughters life through my choice.

Please summon the strength to end this relationship for her, if not for you. You're teacher her that this is what a relationship looks like. A healthy one doesn't. Not even close.

HollowTalk · 06/04/2021 22:27

There is no way I'd live with a man like that. Ugh, he sounds an absolute utter creep. What kind of man looks at very young girls? What kind of man goes off chasing women at a public function when his own wife is there? How can you bear it? And frankly, if you have a daughter you must be insane to let him live with her.

Original poster
Bobbibruce · 06/04/2021 22:32

Our DD’s are grown. They don’t live with us. You know how you are so busy with everyday life when you have a family around and a lot of your time is caught up with them? It’s only now that we’re on our own that I’ve had time to contemplate everything I’ve put up with. I have been stupid to put up with it all. I know.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/04/2021 22:38

@Bobbibruce

Our DD’s are grown. They don’t live with us. You know how you are so busy with everyday life when you have a family around and a lot of your time is caught up with them? It’s only now that we’re on our own that I’ve had time to contemplate everything I’ve put up with. I have been stupid to put up with it all. I know.
Please do consider leaving this man.

Life is short, he isn't making you happy and you don't feel respected.

Everything else is background noise. Being unhappy is reason enough to end a relationship.

Don't waste the rest of your one precious life on some creep who sees women as objects. He sounds fucking rank. Leave him and leave him to it instead of focusing on securing evidence or a smoking gun. Doing so will either delay the inevitable of you (hopefully as he sounds rank) splitting up, or drive you mad leaving you open to more gaslighting and spending the rest of your life tied to this loser.

It doesn't have to be like this. Your DD is grown now. This is your time to enjoy yourself, spending time with her and your friends and doing what you want to do - don't waste any more years on him.