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Original poster

AIBU - New-ish Partner

27 replies

Crumpet73 · 06/04/2021 16:36

Hi all, I met my new partner on Bumble just before lockdown. He currently spends one week at mine and one week at his with his son (I don't tend to stay as I have my own children to look after). He's always been careful with money which is great, however, I wonder whether I should ask him to contribute towards my bills. He tends to cook for me, sometimes he brings some yellow sticker food and food that he has left over from the week he has been at his. Otherwise, he'll root around in my cupboards and use my ingredients. He eats much more than me, and I'm starting to feel as if I should say something? I purchased an Easter egg for his son but in return he has failed to bring anything for my children despite saying he would do so? Any advice appreicated.

OP posts:
mooonstone · 06/04/2021 16:38

I would expect him to contribute if he lives at yours 50% of the time

Wanderlusto · 06/04/2021 16:47

Well he's taking you for a bit of a mug isn't he!
When you say he stays with his son for a week, is his son an adult? Is it his sons house?

I'd be telling him that at the very least he has to pay for that whole weeks shopping. It's the least he can do if he is in your home, burning your electric.

Dont let him take the piss.

Greenrubber · 06/04/2021 16:48

I wouldn't expect him contribute to bills but definitely food
I'm assuming he still pays his full mortgage/rent whilst at yours so I think that would be a little unfair

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/04/2021 16:49

Do you want to be with someone who is at best a thoughtless freeloader and at worst a knowing freeloader?

Him spending every other week at yours with your children (assuming you're RP) seems an awful lot for around a year into the relationship - sounds like it's been rushed, neither of you have made it a priority to sit down and properly discuss what living together 50% of the time means (including financially) and now you're feeling the effects of that.

Fireflygal · 06/04/2021 17:18

He should be contributing to food. Raise the conversation with him, suggest that he pays for a weekly shop and see what his reaction is.

You should be at the stage where you can' raise this and he should feel perfectly OK with understanding your POV.

autumnalrain · 06/04/2021 17:50

I agree with the poster above , he should contribute towards food but not bills

Aquamarine1029 · 06/04/2021 17:55

Freeloader. He's got it pretty good, doesn't he? Are you doing his laundry, too?

Suzi888 · 06/04/2021 18:03

Should buy food, bills no.

whatwouldjudydo · 06/04/2021 18:14

My boyfriend has been staying extra as he's been on furlough and he will get food bits here and there, transfers money over for the food shop, bring stuff from his also and buys the odd takeaway too (for me and all the kids) and i haven't even asked for a contribution he's just done this out of consideration. I wouldn't expect him to contribute towards bills as he's still paying his own way and also he's on furlough so loosing a lot of money but I think what he's doing is reasonable, not sure I would expect everything but def a bit towards food or bringing decent food over! He's also helped me doing diy in the house and helps cook and clean when he's here.

Shaz786o · 06/04/2021 18:18

Hope your kids are adults as this is too soon to have a partner living with them a week at a time.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 06/04/2021 18:18

@whatwouldjudydo

My boyfriend has been staying extra as he's been on furlough and he will get food bits here and there, transfers money over for the food shop, bring stuff from his also and buys the odd takeaway too (for me and all the kids) and i haven't even asked for a contribution he's just done this out of consideration. I wouldn't expect him to contribute towards bills as he's still paying his own way and also he's on furlough so loosing a lot of money but I think what he's doing is reasonable, not sure I would expect everything but def a bit towards food or bringing decent food over! He's also helped me doing diy in the house and helps cook and clean when he's here.
See this is what a decent bloke does. Without having to be asked - it should be taken as read that you don't spend 50% of the time in someone's home, eating with them 50% of the time and barely contribute to the cost of that food. Much less rifling through food in the house as if it's yours!
DeathToCovid · 06/04/2021 18:25

I think if he’s eating quite a bit at yours it’s only fair he contributes. I’d have a chat with him and say now him staying for a week at a time seems to be a permanent thing, you’d appreciate him bringing a shop with him when he comes to cover his meals. If he isn’t immediately receptive to that then you’ve got yourself a freeloader!

BalaBalaBoomBoom · 07/04/2021 01:00

@Shaz786o

Hope your kids are adults as this is too soon to have a partner living with them a week at a time.
I agree.
seensome · 07/04/2021 09:11

Yellow sticker food and careful with money, jumped out at me meaning he could be tight with money for some reason, you'll find out how he responds when you ask him to contribute to fresh food not left overs.

Bananalanacake · 07/04/2021 10:05

Tell him you don't want him to stay at yours any more, you want to meet for dates once or twice a week. See how he reacts.

Bananalanacake · 07/04/2021 10:07

Tell him you don't want him to stay over at yours anymore, you want to meet for dates once or twice a week. See how he reacts.

Mylovelyhorsee · 07/04/2021 14:06

Sigh. Yes he should be equally contributing the weeks he is with you.

TristantheTyrannosaurus · 07/04/2021 14:16

He landed on his feet with you! He's a tight boyfriend, not a partner. A year in and he's already got his feet under your table running up your bills and eating your food. I'd dump. But at the very least go with what Banana said. This isn't good enough and really too soon to have a part-time live in boyfriend if your kids are still at home.

SeaShoreGalore · 07/04/2021 15:04

You’re literally accepting the crumbs off his table!

If he’s into cooking he should be trying to impress you, not bringing round crap past it’s sell by date!

Farcry66 · 07/04/2021 15:08

My boyfriend has just stayed for the week. He bought a take away one night, the ingredients to cook on another night, all his own beer and half of the wine we drink together. I've provided slightly more than him, but that will be evened out when I go to his. We are quite regimented in taking turns to pay for takeaways, it's all the little incidentals that are a bit more give and take, but neither of us feels like the other is taking the piss.

Probably time to work out how much extra he is costing you and let him know it puts a strain on your finances and makes you feel taken for granted.

Whatisthisfuckery · 07/04/2021 15:14

He should at least be contributing to food.

Also, what about council tax? Are you or were you eligible for the single person discount, and if so what has happened about this? Somebody living at your house 50% of the time would be of interest to the council and you certainly wouldn’t be entitled to the reduction if they knew. I might be wrong but either you’re running a risk claiming it while he’s spending so much time at your house, or you’ve relinquished the 25% reduction for him, at significant cost to you.

Fuggly · 07/04/2021 15:28

My partner ( since summer 2019) has been staying at mine during lockdown. His adult son lives at his flat so we couldn’t bubble. He has always paid for 50% of food and does 50% of cooking, washing, cleaning etc. He also offered a contribution to bills but i didn’t want that. All this happened without me having to ask.
My adult son lost his job due to covid and came home last autumn and partner still trys to contribute 50/50 to food even though he is only eating a third.
I would be having serious doubts about the relationship if he wasn’t doing this. Oh, and he is quite careful with money ( likes bargains, yellow label etc) but not at my expense.

Sandra15 · 07/04/2021 15:56

No you are not being unreasonable. He sounds a right Scrooge.

LooseThreads · 07/04/2021 17:01

I'd put a stop the every other week arrangement. Go back a few steps. See him on weekends during the day and things like that and see how you feel about him.

Not being able to go out and not being able To have baby-sitters has propelled relationships beyond where they would have been.

TristantheTyrannosaurus · 07/04/2021 17:18

@LooseThreads

I'd put a stop the every other week arrangement. Go back a few steps. See him on weekends during the day and things like that and see how you feel about him.

Not being able to go out and not being able To have baby-sitters has propelled relationships beyond where they would have been.

Yes. SO many who moved in total losers, unsuitable people, rushed things all due to this.
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