How do you know that you are loved?

[CallaMonkeys]

My parents are so dysfunctional and I’m pretty sure it’s skewed my perception of what healthy relationships should look like.

I don’t feel loved in my closest relationships and I’m wondering whether this is because I have had low expectations or whether I don’t recognise a healthy relationship when I’m in it.

I’d really love to hear about what makes others feel secure and loved in relationships with parents/friends/partners. How do you know?!

That's a really tough question, OP. I'm not sure I know the answer...I just know.

I guess it's about being treated with respect and kindness, knowing that someone will be there for you in times of need, feeling that you can be yourself around them etc.

I'm really sorry that you feel like this.

It's the little things. Making a 2nd cup of tea when I'm in bed and he's heading to work, helping sort things around the house with me and not expecting me to do everything. Cuddling me and not expecting sex but wanting a cuddle because he loves me! Dancing around the kitchen to songs we both like. Sending little silly texts to each other some days and other days not sending texts but then that doesn't matter.

I had 'good' parenting even though I don't believe my siblings did, weirdly. I'll try for you.
In childhood what makes me think I was loved was

• cuddles with Dad
• mum always dropped everything to pick me up if I was sick
• generally being 'approved of' and talked about positively, not put down.

In adulthood what makes me feel loved

• dm is really interested in our lives
• dh wants to spend time together, share a bed, lie ins, watch TV together, have shared hobbies, talk about our dc, never criticises
• dc tell me thanks/love you or appreciate me often. They bother to make cards and buy me gifts and ask about my day. I don't know how they are so nice really.

Hi OP,
I'm sorry you're not feeling loved.

For me, feeling loved is knowing that can be my authentic self around that person, being treated with respect and kindness, feeling safe enough to show vulnerability, knowing that my feelings and thoughts matter. Being accepted despite my flaws, being willing to work through conflict towards a solution rather than "winning".

Lots of little things as well like being thanked for cooking a meal and other gestures of appreciation. When dh asks if I'd like a cup of coffee, that sort of thing.

Thank you for these replies 🙏

I’m not sure whether to trust my ‘you just know’ instinct, so it’s really helpful to think about how other experiences compare!

One thing that has become clear with DH is that if I’m feeling ill or a bit down or in need of support, he shuts me out until things are back to normal. I was self sufficient and used to fending for myself when I first met him (my parents are similarly hopeless when you need them) and I didn’t even notice this trait to begin with. Recently though, I’m noticing how weird this is and finding it very hard to deal with. While showing vulnerability doesn’t feel unsafe, it does make me feel lonely.

One thing that has become clear with DH is that if I’m feeling ill or a bit down or in need of support, he shuts me out until things are back to normal.

This isn't love, that's for sure. You should want far more than this from your marriage.

Though our marriage was never perfect, I felt loved. I was comfortable around h and we laughed together. I was floored when I discovered he was hiding several infidelities dating as far back as a decade. I often feel lost as if I do not belong anywhere. I feel disconnected from everyone bar my dc. I go for runs and sit in the park staring into the sky. I would like to leave but would be on my ass financially.

I suffered with depression and now have severe anxiety. I have realised that my h copes far better with me when I am strong and stable, not so well when I am in a broken state. I tried to rush through my healing in order to 'be okay' and had several breakdowns as a result.

My h wants 100% reconciliation and I want no intimacy to avoid giving false hope. I had a short revenge fling and if it were not for the dc, I would leave to be with him (single). I cannot take the risk as I have responsibilities. On my own I would bounce back if things did not work out.

I remember the lines of two women speaking in The Beautiful Lie (Prime Video)
"You never ever put a man before your children".

He supports me, encourages me, gives me confidence, is honest, trustworthy, my soulmate.
Does little things to make my life better without asking him.
Kind, considerate, sensitive and intuitive.
I couldn't ask for a better man, excuse the slush but he's in hospital, lucky to still be here, so I'm a bit emotional.
I think you know because they are constantly nice, not for an ulterior motive, they put you before themselves.
I disagree that children are more important, you start as a couple and when dc are grown hopefully you are still a couple.
I think the relationship is equal.

@Aquamarine1029 I really do.

I think he would say that I shut him out. I don’t believe this is true but I do wonder sometimes.

@Faith50 Thank you so much for sharing your story, it sounds like you’ve been on a rollercoaster Do you think you will stay with your husband in the long term?

@Devlesko Your post made me cry! Your relationship sounds wonderful. Sending get well wishes to your DH

It's difficult to explain love, because even though this is eloquent and beautiful:

"knowing that can be my authentic self around that person, being treated with respect and kindness, feeling safe enough to show vulnerability, knowing that my feelings and thoughts matter. Being accepted despite my flaws, being willing to work through conflict towards a solution rather than "winning"."

It is how I am to my friends and everyone I care about. I'd expect more from a lover. Probably why I'm in such a shit marriage!

Interesting.

I've never been loved and I've never felt loved by anyone.

My parents openly didn't love me.

I recognise some of these things from a couple of friendships/previous relationships but plenty of other things that were definitely not love. I don't think these things are enough.

With each one of those relationships it is slightly different, but overall a feeling of respect, of enjoying each other, of care.

With a friend the main focus for me is enjoying each other's company and caring.

In a romantic relationship I want the same, but with affection and sex too!

With parents... oooooh that's harder. Just acceptance, mainly. Accept me and make a little effort, as I do too.

Callamonkeys
I have. I am no longer the same person. I question myself and my lack of integrity and dignity after my affair. I also have never felt as alive as when with the om. I know deep down it was due to being new, exciting, reckless, not doing the daily grind with him, feeling very desired etc etc. I am plain to look at and would be classed as your typical middle aged woman with dc. Whether it was so far removed from reality, I felt exciting and noticed - not frumpy and invisible which I usually feel.

Unsure whether my h and I will last. Taking each day as it comes which is hard for me as a decisive person. I hate that even if we split, I would need to maintain contact for the dc. I do not want to part and receive updates from my dc on his new partner, engagement or wedding plans, children etc.

I will never have a clean break whatever I decide as we share dc.

Keepithidden
You sound so unhappy. Is your marriage over?

Mybeautifulsummerhouse
I am sorry that you have always felt unloved. It can be incredibly lonely. Are you single at present?

I have always felt unlikeable - bullying at high school knocked every inch of confidence out of me.

I think:
Being told I'm loved
Having gratitude expressed to me
Being told I'm beautiful/sexy
Being admired for other qualities too!
Physical affection
Being able to be near each other not doing or saying anything and it's still comfortable.

I can still feel love while being criticised, having an argument, other half being angry with me - love doesn't have to be the absence of all discord and should be able to weather than sometimes (NB but I also strongly believe that love does not mean constant discord as proof of passion, which some seem to believe!)

@Faith50

Keepithidden You sound so unhappy. Is your marriage over?

Mybeautifulsummerhouse
I am sorry that you have always felt unloved. It can be incredibly lonely. Are you single at present?

I have always felt unlikeable - bullying at high school knocked every inch of confidence out of me.

I'm always single.

I have fwbs occasionally but it's a very long time since I attempted a relationship. I'm less interested in fwbs though than I used to be. I've just accepted that it's not going to happen now. But it feels weird to know that I'll die never having felt loved by anyone.

Yes to being respected
Caring about things that aren’t an interest of theirs, my DP probably knows more about my horse than he does several members of my own family and yet never tells me I’m boring (and I’m sure I am).
Physical affection that is not meant to lead to sex.
Being caring when unwell

With my mum she wasn’t the most affectionate person at all but she so obviously loved us so fiercely, and still does. But that’s harder to put my finger on, but honestly, I know.

Have you ever read about Love Languages? It is obviously just someone's theory/idea but it is interesting to consider. My husband and I looked at it years ago and I really notice these days (with young children) that he tries to make me feel loved by doing/saying what would make him feel loved and therefore misses the mark entirely.
If you had a difficult childhood it is very possible that you have ended up with a man who is not very nice, or he could just be a bit clueless about what would make you feel loved. How he behaves if you discuss it and how he reacts at other times will give you a better idea of that.

For me I would feel more loved if my husband stopped doing thoughtless things that I've already told him are annoying to me and occasional things that are actually thoughtful would be a bonus (I feel like my bar is pretty low at the moment, but I'm hoping it is just my lockdown frustration at the world). He says he loves me a dozen times a day, but that doesn't make me feel loved, it either feels like a reflex for him or him trying to prompt me to say it to him. It is quite interesting how people need such different things, but does make for complicated relationships

I can just tell that I’m always first on my husbands list, that he’s always thinking of me. He brings up a water for me before bed. He puts a bookmark in my book if I fall asleep reading. He strokes my hair while we’re watching tv. He remembers things I’ve mentioned and buys me them. He records things he thinks I might want to watch. He cosies up for a cuddle every time we wake up. This morning, when I was half asleep, I felt him kiss my forehead when he got up to go for a run, and it made me smile.

Just lots of little things OP. He never takes me for granted, and he makes me feel like the centre of his universe. I’m sorry you don’t feel that love: you shouldn’t settle for less.

Faith50, thanks for your concern. No our marriage isn't over, there is still loyalty and maybe love, although the latter is hard to define. As the per the OP and previous posters really.

Hi OP,
I'm sorry you're not feeling loved.

For me, feeling loved is knowing that can be my authentic self around that person, being treated with respect and kindness, feeling safe enough to show vulnerability, knowing that my feelings and thoughts matter. Being accepted despite my flaws, being willing to work through conflict towards a solution rather than "winning".

Lots of little things as well like being thanked for cooking a meal and other gestures of appreciation. When dh asks if I'd like a cup of coffee, that sort of thing.

Whoops! That wasn't meant to be posted twice.

It is so interesting to read these responses. Some have made me cry a little, but in a good way - it’s inspiring to read about the sweet and thoughtful things.

@SewVeryLazy I was thinking about love languages the other day, it’s funny that you mention that. I think that our languages have misaligned since having the DCs and I’m not sure how we resolve that.

@MyBeautifulSummerhouse have you had platonic friendships where you’ve felt loved?

I have a couple of friendships which are close and lots of people I keep in touch with but... I’ve never been a bridesmaid for example, or a godparent. My friends would text me during a difficult time, but wouldn’t send anything or visit. I do wonder if I give off a ‘I don’t need you’ defensive vibe or something.

Please tell me about your platonic love stories too

Echobelly
You sound very balanced and confident. I automatically assumed my h would walk away when we argued or he did not like something about my character. I have abandonment issues that derive from childhood.

Mysummerhouse
Fwb arrangements can dent your self esteem if you are not strong enough. I am sorry you feel low about your situation. What are your friendships like?

sewverylazy
I have read the Love Languages book. Mine is acts of service yet my h insists on buying me gifts. I would one day love to sit down to meals he has prepared just for me. It would make me feel so loved if he would spend two/three hours of prepping and cooking say once or twice a week. He can cook but does not naturally do so which makes me feel like shit as he knows I would like this. I do not always like cooking but we need to eat as a family so I do it. My h will 'help' with a dish or make salad. The om cooked for me on occasion and I almost cried the first time when I saw the effort he went to just for me. It is so pathetic but I felt so special. Buying gifts (perfume/flowers/ jewellery) requires money only and little effort. My h's love language is words of encouragement. I am improving on this.

Keepithidden
Perhaps you could go to counselling to repair your marriage.

have you had platonic friendships where you’ve felt loved?

Not really.

Fwb arrangements can dent your self esteem if you are not strong enough. I am sorry you feel low about your situation. What are your friendships like?

I have friendships but i wouldn't say I feel loved in those either. The fwbs haven't dented my self esteem. It's me who puts that limit on them. But it's been mutually agreeable other than for a couple where they wanted it to be more.

I wouldn't say I feel particularly low about it. It's only been over the past year or so that I've thought I might be ready for 'more'. But it is weird knowing that that's unlikely to happen and that I'll never know what it's like!

As for friendships, i have, and have had, some friendships that were really good at the time but I wouldn't say I felt loved in those either.

It's always been that way 🤷🏻‍♀️