How do you know that you are loved?

[CallaMonkeys]

My parents are so dysfunctional and I’m pretty sure it’s skewed my perception of what healthy relationships should look like.

I don’t feel loved in my closest relationships and I’m wondering whether this is because I have had low expectations or whether I don’t recognise a healthy relationship when I’m in it.

I’d really love to hear about what makes others feel secure and loved in relationships with parents/friends/partners. How do you know?!

I know my DH loves me because he treats me as an equal. He respects my job, my goals, and my role in our family and he accepts my imperfections (as I do his!)

I know my mum loves me because she has treated me with affection, kindness and support for my whole life. She knows me inside out and we can always talk.

My parents especially my mother were very cold. I know they don't like me and I'm pretty sure my mother at least doesn't love me. I can't remember her ever hugging me. She was always annoyed/ putting me down.

My boyfriends have shown love very obviously. TBH they've mostly been very obvious and smitten. Dunno. Thoughtful. Presents I like. Food I like. Just the way they look at you? They've been devoted and eager to please.

Thinking about it right now I wonder if the fact I am very self sufficient, lived on my own for years, very independent, makes them feel like if they don't make me happy I'll move on? No idea. I am comfy financially as well which might feed into that.

I'm not very good at that stuff but I'm affectionate and apparently funny and I assume they must be getting something out of it!

So in my life I know they love me because they've all been very obvious!

'I have a couple of friendships which are close and lots of people I keep in touch with but... I’ve never been a bridesmaid for example, or a godparent. My friends would text me during a difficult time, but wouldn’t send anything or visit. I do wonder if I give off a ‘I don’t need you’ defensive vibe or something.'

Nor have I!

I think I'm not seen as that sort of person somehow.

I also don't need close female friends. I have friends I've known for since school etc and make friends easily but I don't need to have that somehow. I don't really get it tbh.

Again it's a self sufficient thing.

'One thing that has become clear with DH is that if I’m feeling ill or a bit down or in need of support, he shuts me out until things are back to normal. I was self sufficient and used to fending for myself when I first met him (my parents are similarly hopeless when you need them) and I didn’t even notice this trait to begin with. Recently though, I’m noticing how weird this is and finding it very hard to deal with. While showing vulnerability doesn’t feel unsafe, it does make me feel lonely'

Talk to him. Tell him this. Does he know about your background? Have you told him how you feel you are a certain way because of upbringing but although you have it baked in to look after yourself, sometimes you need him?

That sort of thing?

DH knows all of my quirks etc and puts up with me going on when I'm pissed he also looked after me through years of perinatal and post natal depression. While I was kind of blank and in a pit. I looked after the babies and he did everything else. Working shifts, doing all the shopping, taking the kids off my hands so I could stare into space, he did nappies, took care of the house. I was checked out. Etc etc

Have you talked to him about this? Can you? You need to.

@Ploughingthrough

I know my DH loves me because he treats me as an equal. He respects my job, my goals, and my role in our family and he accepts my imperfections (as I do his!)

I know my mum loves me because she has treated me with affection, kindness and support for my whole life. She knows me inside out and we can always talk.

I think this is how my mum wants our relationship to be, but she had a difficult upbringing and I just don’t think she knows how to do it. I have to accept her and her limits, but she’s not someone I can rely on for those things.

I am so conscious of wanting to break this pattern with my DCs, they deserve so much more.

@NiceGerbil you’re right, I need to speak to DH about it. I find it hard to explain when it’s an absence of something, rather than a tangible problem.

For me it's thinking that the other person recognises me for who I really am and makes me feel good about this, so something about being seen for the best parts of ourselves, as well as something about the relationship generally feeling good, no hard or unresolved feelings, no frequent arguments, attempts to control or change, or feelings of discomfort, but a real acceptance and a sense of safety.