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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just seen photos of partner with his ex when we were dating.. Help!

30 replies

Whattodotho · 06/04/2021 13:58

I posted a few weeks ago that I noticed my partners ex blocked my business page on Instagram. I thought it was weird as has been 5 years and she never blocked me on fb. I knew as I have more than one account and like to give as much likes ect to my partners family business and saw her comment dispearwhen I used my other account. It Brought up lots of stuff I think I buried. I went on her account today for first time as it was private before so I looked and can see photos of them having dinner champagne you name it 2 months into our relationship..

I don't know what to do. I live minutes from where she lives. We suppose to get married in a few months but feel our relationship is built on a lie.
She has serious mental health issues and apparently would lnt eat so he would see her to get her to eat..

She would send msgs and call him when we moved in together and he said she was crazy I know red flag looking back. We have 2 kids now. I'm insecure as she hasn't moved on since then by looks of it and he said today she never got over him dumping her.

He adamant he wasn't sleeping with her when we were dating but he also said what proof you got and tried to deny it was him till you could see his very distinct jumper in the photo.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattodotho · 06/04/2021 14:01

He also deleted msgs a year into our relationship and tried to deny it was her but I saw it and again the same she has mental health issues.. So do I. Today he's like msg her he even came back from work to talk to me and then came back and said if you do speak to her don't say I said she's mental as that's just mean she has enough problems..

I'm scared he could been seeing her whenever he works for himself he could literally go see her in the day and I wouldn't know. Even thiugh he doeant spends nigtts away apart from few holidays with his mates. So I don't know if I'm being pariond but my gut is wrenching.

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Original poster
Whattodotho · 06/04/2021 14:03

Sorry all typos he's coming home soon and I don't know what to do.

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Insomnia5 · 06/04/2021 14:08

Well the facts are simple. He’s a cheat. He lies to you about cheating. He gets away with other women contacting him by claiming they’re crazy.
It’s up to you whether to accept he’s a cheat who will use any excuse to get away with what he’s doing, and stay with him.
Or you can break up with him.
I know which I’d rather do.

mybonnieliesovertheocean2 · 06/04/2021 14:09

Sorry he is a devious snake, and now setting you up for her to 'make up lies' as she is mentally ill. I wouldnt trust the man

Original poster
Whattodotho · 06/04/2021 14:13

I feel sick. This is in 2016/2017 so he goes it's years ago this is when I last had proof. Today I said Instagram is time stamped and then he changed his storey by sounds of it. He says he can't remember what they last spoke about when he was deleting the msgs. I don't belive him. I have 2 babies. I can't drive I have no money of my own

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Insomnia5 · 06/04/2021 14:14

Have you considered contacting her?

ShirleyPhallus · 06/04/2021 14:17

I’m afraid he’s a liar and has cheated on her with you. That doesn’t mean he will cheat on you mind.

Bigger red flags are all the lies and telling you she’s mental etc. I really wouldn’t trust him. But if up to you to decide if you want to commit to this man.

mummyof4kids · 06/04/2021 14:17

Message her. I bet her version is different to his

Original poster
Whattodotho · 06/04/2021 14:17

He keeps saying msg her go on msg her. So I'm convinced she will block me. I last brought it up 6 months ago and he went for a drive for 20 mins ad we were going to my sisters when I blurted it out and I'm convinced he probably rang her. He keeps saying to speak to her. He is so confident by that. I'm worried by doing so I'm just opening up communication between them. She also blocked me so must have a strong feeling surely my page has no photos of me or him on there it's strictly a bit of a business thing I'm trying get started and is stuff I make so it's not like it's because she didn't wnat to see photos not even my profile pic is a photo

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Original poster
Whattodotho · 06/04/2021 14:19

I also don't know what to say to her if I did.

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Original poster
Whattodotho · 06/04/2021 14:20

Also she used to msg because another ex of his would stalk and harrash her who was also mental..

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CuriousaboutSamphire · 06/04/2021 14:24

And in a few months/ years when you have had enough and walked away you too will be another 'mental ex'

He sounds abhorrent.

Original poster
Whattodotho · 06/04/2021 14:25

I was also very vulnerable when we first met. Lived on my own supported myself from age 16 and had to deal with lots of issues on my own and I know if I was the person I am today I would t of dated him. He would talk about his ex on our dates and I knew at time something was up but I was not in a good place and he being successful and rich I thought this is as good as it will get for me. Now I'm late 20s in a lovely house beautiful kids. But feel I'm trapped

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Original poster
Whattodotho · 06/04/2021 14:27

I feel this is purely selfish of me to now end things as I have 2 little ones. I don't even know what would happen if I did. 😟

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YNK · 06/04/2021 14:27

Have you asked him why he wants you to message her when he's the one refusing to give an explanation for HIS behaviour?
Your relationship is not with her and neither is his (or so he claims)
It seems he's attempting triangulation here - IMO not acceptable, this is between you and him.

CirqueDeMorgue · 06/04/2021 14:28

Poor you and poor her.

Chocolateismakingmefat · 06/04/2021 14:29

Benefits are your way out op... Who's name is the house in?

Original poster
Whattodotho · 06/04/2021 14:30

I said I was going msg her when I saw it I just saw red to be honest as it was clear as day him having dinner with her. Then that's all he focused on out of everything I said. He came back and was like this is so long ago. She also posted those memes that are digs at exs right in 2017 when I moved in with him..

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Original poster
Whattodotho · 06/04/2021 14:32

I'm not angry at her. Not at all I'm angry with him I wouldn't have moved in with him to different town and had babies if I knew this I am having heart palpitations.
I can't drive I am trapped. He works so hard to provide and I'm scared how he will react if I end it. He will expect me to go and not the girls

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Original poster
Whattodotho · 06/04/2021 14:34

All in his name. He said he would put stuff in my name or get a will and never did. I know I was stupid to have kids with him when I was engaged and not married so please no one say this to me now

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Triffid1 · 06/04/2021 14:41

So it's clear to me that you were the OW originally. He started up with you without finishing it with her. Do they have children? It's unlikely that he's been carrying on with her all this time but she probably does hate you as she sees you as the reason her OH left her. Similarly, his previous girlfriend hated the ex who hates you, probably for the same reason.

I couldn't say whether or not he is or is not cheating on you now. But i seems pretty likely that he has form for cheating in the past.

Chocolateismakingmefat · 06/04/2021 14:41

Actually ime you have an easy exit available.. Speak to your local council.. I got on the list but managed to get a private rental after borrowing money from a relative. Council can help in some cases with bond and deposits. Theyay also have a list of accredited landlords - fair rents and safe accommodation (not flea pits!). Given you have previously had support for housing you may get extra assistance.

Original poster
Whattodotho · 06/04/2021 15:37

That's what I think now. I was told by my social worker that I would have yo move back to my previous city if things didn't work out. I don't have family other than his. I need to know for certain before I make a move and I don't know if he will tell me anything.

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NCNCNNC · 06/04/2021 16:01

You keep asking this question over and over in past threads too. What are you actually hoping to gain from this? You seem obsessed with this ex. Either move on and accept that there was an overlap or move on and leave.

Original poster
Whattodotho · 06/04/2021 16:01

Thank you for your advice and insights. The other women theory sounds spot on I don't believe women act 'mental' over nothing in his eyes

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