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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

How do I even start putting myself back together?

27 replies

Indianafrankie · 06/04/2021 12:55

Sorry I don’t want this to sound like I’m wallowing and I know there’s many people a lot worse than I am but I could really use some help and advice right now. I’ve had a horrendous last 2 years where I now find myself in another country with a broken relationship. I’ve been lied to and cheated on and basically I’m now at rock bottom and have no idea how to change this. My self esteem and confidence has been battered, I can see absolutely nothing positive in myself, I actually hate myself and I have no idea how to change this. I know people say do things you enjoy but I honestly don’t even know what that would be anymore, I have no idea who I am as a person anymore and hate what I see in the mirror, any ideas on where to even start fixing this? Thank you

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halfpasteleven · 06/04/2021 13:05

Didn't want to read and run. Can you go home?

Move back to where your family and friends want you?

Take some time to love yourself again.

I'm sure someone else will be along soon with better advice.

KirstenBlest · 06/04/2021 13:10

I’ve been lied to and cheated on and basically I’m now at rock bottom and have no idea how to change this.

You are a decent human being who trusted the wrong person. It is no a reflection on you.

Give yourself permission to feel crap but focus on how good you are, how kind you are, and so on.

Try to get back home where you have friends and relatives.

Indianafrankie · 06/04/2021 13:13

Thank you both, I have no idea really what to do for the best as the thing is my children are happy here and settled in school with friends etc but on the other hand it’s such a small town and I hate having to see him all the time even though I actively avoid going to places he may be, I wish i could just hold my head up and not care but instead I just feel so stupid.

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mae2014 · 06/04/2021 14:43

Hey hun,

Didn't want to read and run, i'm in the same kind've scenario just without the kids,

Where are you living at the moment? did you/he move out?

You've already done the hardest thing by deciding to walk away. There's no rulebook on what to do in these kind've scenarios, you just need to be kind with yourself and take each day as it comes.

Course you care, you invested alot into this man and into the relationship and the carpets just been pulled from your feet,
The one thing thats been helping me is facetimes with friends, trying to make plans post covid when i'm back home, distracting myself with apps/books, going on walks, just doing things that give you a little bit of happiness

You've got us here to rave and rant in the meantime, i know how fucking hard it is and how broken you must be, but one day it will make sense. xxx

Indianafrankie · 06/04/2021 16:47

I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through a similar thing, what happened? Me I was an idiot and kept going back time and again which is definitely not something I would have done in England which is where I lost myself I think, I basically lost my mind over this idiot but only have myself to blame for not being strong enough before

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mae2014 · 07/04/2021 01:09

Sorry I only just saw your reply!

I had the same, I kept trying again and again because all I had really was him and I was so desperate for it to work after everything I invested.. moving over from England.. getting a new job...
Then the last few weeks I’ve just felt like I’ve absolutely lost myself.. lost all control of my emotions than I did before and drove myself mad over this guy.. that it just had to work!!
But I felt like if I was in England around my family and friends i would know my worth alot more,

It’s so so hard but I’m right here if you need a chat! Please don’t feel trapped, it’s a good thing you’re acknowledging this, it means you’re willing to change for the better xxxxx

Haribo32 · 07/04/2021 08:06

Hi. As someone who's just had her heart broken by a lying older man not over his ex and messaging another woman he claimed was stalking him behind my back, I can't relate.

I have had to do some major soul searching. I've had to do alot of thinking and I've needed alot of peace and quiet to process things. He conned me by being really stable and loving to start with. Spoiling me. Fell in love fast. Then slowly he started putting me down and more and more signs around other women were appearing. I confronted him about it and ofcourse he ran away, dumped me. Tried crawling back a week ago and ran away again as soon as I tried to discuss his intentions.

This won't be everyone's cup of tea but I rang a psychic. She helped me more than anyone else because she said the following.

What happiness are you getting out of this?

He's boring isn't he?

He's 47 he's lived his life. You are 15 years younger.

It's all true. He is boring but boys himself up. He's untrustworthy and he lies and massively lacks respect for me. Just as this guy does for you.

At this point although its hard you've got to get all that stress out.

I personally write angry emails or even thoughtful ones. I save them to my drafts. It's like a journal for me to get out how I feel and not send it to the idiot that hurt me. Because the best thing you can do is be silent. I've been silent! Because the minute you start texting them or asking them if they ever cared etc you are forgetting your own worth! You must never grovel or look like you care. Because you make it so easy for them to turn it on you if they see you looking weak.

Secondly think about your own morals. In my case I want loyality. It's so important to me. I also realised his obsession with his ex is a massive problem that's stopping him committing. I didn't want to be in her shadow. It was making me ill.

Even though I really struggled when he dumped me when he came back I realised how stressed he made me. I thought I missed him as I was crying and up and down feeling strong, then having down days. But when he text me my heart sank and for the three days he was back all the anxiety came back. I realised how unhappy I was in that world where I was insecure and my gut was screaming at me.

I know from other relationships that I'm not insecure until there's a reason. I trust and don't have issues. It was literally this man.

He let his manly urges ruin your relationship. You owe it to yourself to be happy. To think thank god I'm out of that. You are free now.

Enjoy music.
Nature.
Books.
Self-care.
Friendships.
Coffee in the park.
A good Netflix series.

I've had to keep going. I have little kids and I need to be realistic and strong for them. The last thing I need is a messed up unreliable man in our lives.

Good luck and if you need a chat inbox me! X

YommyMommy · 07/04/2021 09:59

Hi Ladies,

Also wanted to say that I am just coming out the other end of a similar situation with a liar and a cheat, whom I was totally head over heals in love with.

I am still hurting and have a lot of down days, but I am trying to keep moving forward and you can too @indianafrankie.

Some days I get so angry/upset/frustrated (the list goes on) 1. At him for being such a horrible, vile excuse for a human and 2. Mostly at myself for trusting him and giving him chance after chance.

I am happy to chat anytime here or via inbox.

Just know that you can and will get through this x x x

Indianafrankie · 07/04/2021 12:05

Thank you so much for all your replies they are really helping but I’m so sorry you’ve all had to go through this as well. It was the lies that eventually finished me off the constant lies and evasiveness and secrets. I also believe mine was never really over his ex and probably never will be so i can relate to the feeling of living in someone’s shadow also and no matter how low I feel that’s also something I’m not prepared to do. I should have left a few months ago and I tried but wasn’t strong enough, but this mess eventually ended when he ghosted me 2 weeks ago saying I can’t be with him if I don’t trust him which of course is correct but I think it makes the silly man feel better to place that on me rather then for one moment reflect that he never gave me any reason to. I know 2 weeks of no contact sounds very small but it’s massive to me normally I would have been messaging some nonsense to him by now but not this time, he’s actually done me a favour by disappearing and I’m now just trying to pick up the pieces.

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YommyMommy · 07/04/2021 12:34

It will take time to get over this, but you will. We all will.

I was exactly the same, once we hadn't messege for a while I would feel better then I'd get a text and my stomach would drop because I knew anything he said was a lie. And I mean anything 😏 Don't underestimate 2 weeks no contact, it's massive when you have been dealing with a narcassitic liar x x x

mae2014 · 07/04/2021 12:57

You've absolutely got this, time is such an amazing healer, ride through the emotions and trust yourself that you're doing the right thing.
We always forget things that were said and always remember how people made us feel, and when he looks back one day he'll realise what an arse he was walking away when he had someone who only ever wanted to love him!!! Xxx

Indianafrankie · 07/04/2021 14:43

That’s what I’m trying to do at the moment just get through one day at a time and telling myself that yes in time I won’t feel like this anymore. I did a stupid thing towards the end which I am so embarrassed of now which ultimately was the final straw for him, he has children and their mother ( not his recent ex) is a friend of my friend and for a long time she had reached out to have coffee with me as she could see I was unhappy - very small town, due to the language barrier I really don’t have many friends here at all but still several times I said no thank you to her as I didn’t feel it was appropriate, but a couple of weeks ago I said yes as I was so alone and so low - I know I shouldn’t have and deeply regret it now but I can’t undo it so will just have to own it. He found out we’d sat and had coffee and said that was it for him I’d made my decision and that was it cut me off. So although I’m feeling stronger and I know this is the right decision I’m angry at myself that I did something so out of character and ridiculous. I’m aware this all sounds ridiculous but honestly I’m not the me I was 2 years ago.

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mae2014 · 07/04/2021 14:53

I really wouldnt knock you for doing that, sometimes its nice to just have a rant to someone that understands and that knows him. He's got a bit of a temper hasnt he?
How was it left? Whats the last thing he said to you?

Every day you will get a teeny tiny bit stronger, and you'll come back bigger and better I promise, it'll take quicker than you think too xxx

Indianafrankie · 07/04/2021 15:16

Thank you for understanding it means a lot, yeah he was very controlling and things had to be his way and on his terms, he asked me what my purpose was for meeting with her saying that if it was to talk about him then I’d made a decisión I’d have to live with, he said i didn’t trust him and so that was it. He was meant to be seeing my kids the following day and just send a message saying he wasn’t coming, I asked him to meet me when they were in school to talk about it and he said sorry I can’t, so I said tomorrow? And he said don’t know yet, at that point I just thought oh for goodness sake grow up and that was it, haven’t heard from him since, saw him in the street and he just looked straight through me.

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mae2014 · 07/04/2021 16:21

You saw him in the street and he looked straight through you! What a dick... I bet that bloody hurt :(
Where's your head at with what to do? Do you want to stay there or are you debating moving back home? X

Indianafrankie · 07/04/2021 17:08

Yeah it wasn’t the nicest feeling, I have no idea really part of me thinks to try and stick it out as my kids are happy but then part of me wants to run but I guess you can’t run away from what’s in your head anyway? Will it be too painful to stay? I just don’t know x

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category12 · 07/04/2021 17:30

Are your kids his? I'm thinking not?

If not, I would come home. They might be settled where you are, but they'll adapt, especially if they're originally from the UK.

Indianafrankie · 07/04/2021 17:32

No they’re not his kids, so maybe yes to come home would be the better option? x

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mae2014 · 08/04/2021 09:27

I think come home.

I made that choice on Sunday, absolutely broke my heart and I was in pieces at the airport leaving but I knew it had to be done to hopefully make me happy again one day,

Its not that you're running away from the thoughts in your head but out of sight out of mind helps alot, being back around people who love you who can help build you up again.

Do you have much support at home? X

FrickfrackFeckit · 08/04/2021 09:48

I agree. Come home, find your roots again. You need a home where you feel secure and safe. You can't do that in a country where you are alienated by a language barrier and your very reason for being there is a disrespectful, cheating, untrustworthy man. He was angry you didn't trust him - how does he think that happened Hmm You owe it to your children to show them that a person is not defined by a relationship but more than that, you owe it to yourself. You deserve better than this half life. Take care and good luck.

Indianafrankie · 08/04/2021 11:53

Oh I really feel for you with that, the leaving at the airport really is tough, how are you feeling today? x

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Indianafrankie · 08/04/2021 11:55

Thank you, that comment about the half life really resonated with me and has helped - thank you

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Indianafrankie · 08/04/2021 12:10

For me it’s the mornings that are the worst, the evenings not too bad but I’m just desperate not to wake up with that horrible empty feeling that that’s it it’s all gone

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mae2014 · 08/04/2021 13:19

The mornings are fucking horrific...

Im feeling shit to be honest. My boyfriend says he wants to be with me but is giving me one word answers and has asked for space. Sounds easy enough to do but its soooo hard....

I think its just time isnt it..

Just got to focus on you and bettering your self worth xxx

Indianafrankie · 08/04/2021 14:05

It definitely is just time and yes deep down knowing we all deserve so much better. Oh I used to get all of that - the one word answers and the I want to be with you but I need space, to me now I can only see this as game playing - keeping us hanging on and absolute rubbish as if they wanted to be with us they would. One time mine even told me he wanted to be with me but I needed space to think about if I wanted to be with him or not - total control, can’t believe I actually put myself through some of the things I did, however what I do know is love isn’t meant to feel like this, relationships are not meant to be this hard and sadly ultimately I wasn’t happy so as hard as all this is my - and yours happiness will come at some point but this definitely wasn’t it

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