Am I over thinking this?

[brenda33]

I started speaking to someone 6 weeks ago.
He would text all the time,we had great conversations etc.
We met last weekend and had a great time.
We are meeting next Friday for drinks.
The last couple of days he hasn't spoken much and hasn't rang me since Friday.
Yesterday he had his nephews over and didn't reply for 6 hours.

He then messaged me.
Then we text then he took 2 hours to reply.
He replied saying sorry he had been playing games with his nephew.

This morning he hasn't replied to my text I sent at 8am but he has been online and also viewed me insta story.

Do I say anything to him?

I think I massively over reacted.
He rang me on his break at 6pm (I didn't ask) and we chatted for a good half hour.
He said he was looking forward to seeing me again.
I need to chill out
If I had went crazy earlier
It might have put him off me

Another old fogey here. I don’t understand why anyone texts much. You can’t communicate anything sophisticated by text and, as a couple of other old fogey PPs have flagged, what will you have left to talk about when you meet if you’ve exchanged all your news by text?

In the end, OP, there are no guarantees. It’s very early days. This may turn into something, it may not. We all know from threads on here that relationships can end without warning when the woman is pregnant/after 20 years etc. Just let things unfold in their own time and enjoy the journey.

Yes you do need to chill out. If he picks up on vibes of how keen you are he may start to back off. Nothing wrong with being keen but at such an early stage it can scare people off especially if it takes them a bit longer to decide how they feel about things. If I sense early on that someone is really keen on me, I’m off cos I like to take a bit more time to get to know someone and if they seem keen early on, I get worried I’m wasting their time.

Blimey. Are you ready for a relationship? This seems so heavy & weighing on you.

Yeah, just do your own thing. You must have other things going on besides messaging this guy (I know lockdown is dull, but if not, find some stuff! Enjoy yourself).

And you don't have to just mirror him - you'll find that when you're genuinely enjoying life and your interests, sometimes you'll forget to message him back for a while.

It's hard not to get drawn into a pattern of over-analysing when you really like someone but it's sooo unhealthy. Checking how long it's been since either of you messaged the other is a bit obsessive and comes across as very needy.

Stop giving it so much headspace OP. When you send him a message, step away from your phone and do something else with your time... just get on with your day... and when you see that he's replied you can message him back. No need to play games, or try to appear cool, or wonder what it all means. Relax a bit!

I find constant texting annoying. Dating was so much easier before mobile phones and sm lol

You sound very needy. You’ve probably scared him off

I'm a nightmare for responding to people and sometimes forget for days and that's to people I really care about, I hate the constant messaging when I've just met someone and I'm also strict about not being on my phone when I'm with friends or family, so if I'm with someone I probably won't see your message and defo won't reply to it til after my plans have ended.
On the other hand, I think, especially at the very new stage of dating, you can defo feel that shift when they aren't interested or are doing the gradual fade out. I've been on the receiving end and in all honesty done it myself too. If he's on sm but still not replying and when he does it's a one liner he just isn't interested. People can say don't be clingy, ffs give him time but you know your self when it shifts and feels different, when the communication style/pattern changes. Listen to your gut, you know he isn't in it or you wouldn't be posting, it's that simple. I would chalk it up to 'oh well just one of those things' and forget about it.
If you're questioning and doubting weeks in, well I would assume he isn't for you.
I always find the best thing is to match someone else's level of interest/effort. It's a good indicator of what is meant to go a bit further and what will naturally fizzle out. It never fails.

I know I was over reacting yesterday.
He rang me this morning as well.
I think he was genuinely just busy.
I don't know how to trust people after my ex and not think I'm gonna get hurt.

You need to self soothe - deep breaths for a start.

It won't make someone else more trustworthy but it will give you the ability to step back mentally and emotionally in order to make a rational decision.

Did you shag him on your date?

Men often lose interest after a shag - I don’t know how this information has fallen out of common knowledge. 🤔 Everyone is shocked now, but it’s been happening since the dawn of time.

Sorry, just RTFT. Glad everything is ok!

Phew....that was an exhausting read. Please stop the analysing...you will ruin this relationship and its only been a short while. Can you perhaps look at getting some help as your previous relationship seems to be having a marked effect on this relationship. It wont work with you if you are still having issues from the past. You seem extremely anxious , relationships will ebb and flow with communication styles but your reaction isn't normal, so I would suggest you may not be ready for a relationship yet and need to stop and fix yourself before you go into another one for now.

Personally I’d just not focus o. This guy so much . If he replies and you feel like answering then answer but why not talk and date to other guys instead of worrying what he’s doing as that’s likely what he’s doing with other women
It’s best not to get too invested too soon . You two are no where near exclusive or at the stage of watching for replies because you are in a commitment

Personally, him not texting you while he's with his nephew is, in my opinion, a good sign. It means that he might be casually taking a look at his phone etc but that while he's with other people he's focused on them and that when he talks to you, he's focused on you.

So Sunday was a proper conversation (albeit via text) with you. Then yesterday he was focused on his nephews and just keeping an eye on things. And now he's talking properly to you again.

Oh my god OP, I would run screaming from you. In fact I have experienced guys like you and I have run from them. You don't own him! You barely know him, he has a life of his own and doesn't have to answer to you.

You are being absolutely ridiculous and need to find a way to enjoy / entertain yourself instead of monitoring someone else's activity.

@brenda33

I know I was over reacting yesterday. He rang me this morning as well. I think he was genuinely just busy. I don't know how to trust people after my ex and not think I'm gonna get hurt.

The last sentence of your post is exactly why you should probably take a break from dating op. Don’t torture this new guy over crap your ex did to you. Work on your own issues before getting involved with someone new otherwise you’ll be in for a bumpy ride.

@Sillysandy
I know I sound a bit crazy but I never used to be like this.
My ex messed with my head,blew hot and cold,twisted things and lies etc etc
So now I'm at a point where I'm so paranoid everyone will be the same.

Omg this is exhausting

I have no idea how anyone communicates anything anymore

Nothing gets communicated properly via text or with SM

@brenda33 I went through the needy full on phase with a guy I was talking to and met recently, it was a mixture of lockdown, a friend's death and work being shit and I didn't give him the space he asked for to sort himself out. I regret that immensely as he was a really nice guy but I think I've blown it now, he has taken time out to sort himself out and I've not heard from him in 3 weeks(not unusual as he did the same in December for a month and I occupied myself with the gym and Christmas shopping). Had life been normal I would have thrown myself into the gym and pottering about the shops and would have been fine so I get exactly where you are coming from. My ex was also manipulative and messed with my head.

One thing I've learnt is you need to work on you, I joined a gym and it was the best thing I ever did, if we weren't in lockdown I would have been there every day. Currently I'm looking for a new job so that is keeping me occupied and I go for a run in the afternoons.

[quote brenda33]@Sillysandy
I know I sound a bit crazy but I never used to be like this.
My ex messed with my head,blew hot and cold,twisted things and lies etc etc
So now I'm at a point where I'm so paranoid everyone will be the same.
[/quote]
This is a risky time to start a new relationship then OP, because you're in danger of being controlling towards whoever you see next if you haven't worked through the trauma of your previous relationship.

Policing when someone has been online and not respecting their absolute right to choose when they reply to someone they don't know very well is such incredibly unhealthy behaviour that I really would encourage you to maybe have a break from dating and invest in some counselling in the meantime.

If I had met my now partner before I had done that work, I likely would have pushed him away and / or driven myself mental by projecting the issues of my previous toxic relationship onto ours. I'm so glad I did that work and could then go on to have healthy relationships.

If a man came on here and said he was annoyed someone he barely knows hasn't replied to him but has been on Instagram etc they would quite rightly be told this is a red flag for controlling behaviour. It is. It doesn't matter if the cause is your ex being a prick, or you being innately jealous, or just random - the cause is for you to own and deal with. The cause doesn't change the outcome - controlling behaviour that often leads to game playing and manipulation / guilt tripping / sulking etc.

Please don't be that person. Consider some therapy, it could be life changing for you.