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Original poster

Fed up with online dating

30 replies

liska5 · 05/04/2021 21:07

I’ve been a single mum of two for a year, in a new country, and Covid on top. It’s difficult to manage the house on my own, with a full time job, making sure the kids are ok at school learning the new language. And it took me many months to finally accept that my relationship with my ex is really really over. Went through all the grief stages, denial, anger, depression what have you, and finally accepted that he’s gone and not coming back. Anyway, for distraction decided to try online dating as it’s impossible to meet people any other way now and it’s does get lonely being just with my kids everyday as I work from home. And I don’t know if it’s just me but oh boy, online dating sucks!! I’ve been on a few first dates, a couple of second dates, but the rest of the time it’s just judgemental pricks who vanish as soon as I mention that I have kids. I’m 41 - yes, I have kids, so what?? Why is that even remotely an issue if we haven’t even met yet and unless they are looking for a hookup? Anyway... it just seems such a waste of time and energy, engaging in a conversation with a stranger just to spend 3-4 days exchanging messages and then they disappear, or I meet them and they turn out to be just totally different from what I thought they’d be based on pictures etc? I don’t know, but I’m frustrated and disappointed. I tried stopping online dating completely but then suddenly I think, oh but if not this, I’ll never ever meet anyone, and I connect again. I do believe in chance meetings but after my previous relationships that didn’t work out I’m beginning to think that the universe has already given me all the chances and I’ve used them all up, so there’s just nothing else in store for me... Anyone else been in a similar situation and had success?

OP posts:
autumnalrain · 05/04/2021 22:09

You should say that you have kids in your profile. You need to understand that some men don’t want to date women with children and that’s their right. Its deceiving to not be forthcoming with such a big part of your life up front.

As for the flakiness, that’s just the nature of online dating. Regardless of your age or situation there are a lot of time wasters on there.

Elvisbaby321 · 05/04/2021 22:24

I agree with the online dating thing I’m 29 no kids but hopefully gonna meet someone so i can have kids in the next few years I’ve just joined ok Cupid and all I think when I’m on there is what a mess!

I understand why SOME of the men are single some haven’t even met me yet will quite happily tell me they think about me while mastabating or they love me or ask me inappropriate questions or come on really strong or if that isn’t enough there just simply too far away and it honestly wouldn’t work long distance because of commitments both sides

No real advice but don’t give up on love I’ve decided to stop putting pressure on myself to meet someone I’d rather wait for the right person then just agree to any one just because they’ve asked and So I can get off a dating website also with covid I honestly wouldn’t know how to meet anyone when there wearing masks

Also a lot of people on there have kids especially men that shouldn’t be a deal breaker at all but I do understand some men don’t want to date a woman with a child as someone with no children it wouldn’t put me off but everyone’s different good luck to you I really do hope you find someone xx

StephenBelafonte · 05/04/2021 22:30

Online dating has changed a lot in the last 5-10 years. I'm not convinced that the men on those sites are actually looking for a long term relationship. Also, I found the quality of the men on there to be very poor. Many of them were just looking for a "nurse with a purse"

coronaway · 05/04/2021 22:38

You're spending a lot of your valuable time and energy doing something that makes you feel miserable. Would you do that with other activities and if not why is dating different?

Laeta · 05/04/2021 23:05

I would never EVER mention I have kids at home on my online dating profile. Some sorts of men are are particularly attracted to single mothers with kids at home! Good grief! Thought that was a given never to mention it in your profile!!

Margaretscratcher · 05/04/2021 23:17

I agree with Laeta. I’ve been OLD on and off for a few years and would never explicitly give details about my children. Not because I’m worrying about putting men off but because wouldn’t want to be targeted as a single mum. I just make it clear in messages early on, once there’s a match and if we’re then in contact.

Bumble is good as you can simply tick a box of you have kids, which gets displayed as a little icon on your profile. You can see this on men’s profiles too.

coronaway · 05/04/2021 23:37

In what way Is it different having an icon Vs writing a sentence? In fact isn't the former an easier way for someone to specifically target single mothers?

Happycat1212 · 06/04/2021 00:40

So would people out right lie and say they have no kids when it asks on a dating profile?

Laeta · 06/04/2021 00:43

I skip the kids question when it comes up when you sign up. Think only POF asks.

Mermaidwaves · 06/04/2021 00:47

The flakiness and time wasters is so common. I've personally not found having children offputting to men, but I've met some awful men and been ghosted and messed around. I've decided to quit online for a long while as I feel angry and cynical about men. I do agree it's hard to meet people in real life right now though, it's a difficult time to be single.

mrsg2019 · 06/04/2021 01:16

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time online dating, it can be a bloody minefield. I met DH online 5 years ago and I'm so glad I stuck it out. I think honesty prior to dates is key.

Kids can be a dealbraker for some. For me, my ex had a little boy that I was step mum to for 4 years (when his son was aged 0-4) and breaking up with my ex was 100x harder as I still miss that little boy to this day, 10 years on. I swore I'd never date a guy with kids for that reason, I couldn't bear that hurt again. So if I saw a guy had kids, I skipped. Saved us both time. It may seem shallow but honesty - it saves so much time as I would never date a guy with kids, so if he hadn't mentioned it prior to the date and I then found out, it's a dealbraker for me and I know I would not be seeing him again.

Washingtofold · 06/04/2021 03:07

@autumnalrain

You should say that you have kids in your profile. You need to understand that some men don’t want to date women with children and that’s their right. Its deceiving to not be forthcoming with such a big part of your life up front.

As for the flakiness, that’s just the nature of online dating. Regardless of your age or situation there are a lot of time wasters on there.

Wow that’s a really harsh and ignorant way to talk to the OP Do you have children autumnalrain? I assume if you do you at least consider the danger of attracting predators to you/ them if you advertise the fact you are a single mother on OLD This is the very reason many women don’t put a dam. Word about their children on their profiles Sorry OP I guess it’s not just men online who are judgmental I totally get why you would wait to tell someone about your children
jessstan2 · 06/04/2021 05:17

@Laeta

I would never EVER mention I have kids at home on my online dating profile. Some sorts of men are are particularly attracted to single mothers with kids at home! Good grief! Thought that was a given never to mention it in your profile!!
It's funny you should say that but I have heard the same; some men seek out a woman with young children because they want what they call a 'family experience', which means something quite sinister. I daresay there are woman who think it all sounds nice and cosy. If a man says he has children for example, "I am divorced with x children whom I have twice a week", that is different and you're on the same page.

I've never done online dating, it wasn't around when I was young and I met my husband and previous boyfriends in the 'usual' way. Times have certainly changed. Online anyone can tell you anything. I can see it would be fun meeting different people and going out on dates though. It all depends what you want, not everyone is looking for a long term relationship.

Op, I do hope things look up for you. The past year has put a real damper on so many people's lives, it's about time you (and others) had something to look forward to.

autumnalrain · 06/04/2021 08:30

@Washingtofold OP is complaining men do a runner when they find out she has kids, there’s quite an easy fix ... say you have kids before meeting.

I don’t agree with putting a photo of children in your profile but I think mentioning ‘mum of 2’ in your bio is an easy fix.

If you’re not prepared to mention you have kids, then you have to be prepared for the men who don’t want to date someone with kids to reject you down the line

JustAnotherOldMan · 06/04/2021 08:51

Don’t worry, it’s no better being a man on OLD, personally I would say don’t mention kids on your profile, but if you start a chat it in the conversation quite early along with broad ages (pre school, school, late teen), and leave it at that, some men like kids, some not so much

Women never come across as creepy, but flaky, yes, try and avoid too many random fairy and unicorn emojis
If you do actually meet someone for a date, don’t mention your Ex all the time, one person I met pre-COVID did this (“myex would never do this, or never bring me here, or never do that etc)

TheJackieWeaver · 06/04/2021 09:09

I agree with PP about making it clear that you have kids in your profile. I’m also 41, also online dating. I have a photo on my profile with my kids in it (very carefully chosen, you can’t see their faces or even really work out age or gender). I presume that men who don’t want to date mums will swipe left when they see that. I also try to mention my dc in an early message - again so that men can choose to politely back away if they want to. I don’t agree with PP who think this is particularly dangerous. While OLD, you’re constantly looking out for red flags (and good signs!) anyway, and making arrangements with safety in mind, so I don’t think I’m putting myself or my children at risk by doing this.

You say I’m beginning to think that the universe has already given me all the chances and I’ve used them all up, so there’s just nothing else in store for me... but surely you know that’s not really true? It’s a numbers game. Keep doing the apps (while keeping your wits about you!) but also be open to conversation when you’re out and about. Something (someone!) will click. Flowers

unforgotten23 · 06/04/2021 09:22

It's definitely a numbers game, only do it if it's fun and don't ever think that meeting someone and getting into a relationship will solve all of your problems.
Enjoy life as it is, and don't settle for someone who won't enhance your life

TheJackieWeaver · 06/04/2021 09:26

This is a really good point @unforgotten23

Only do it if it is fun.

For me, dating is something I do as well as having an enjoyable life.

EarthSight · 06/04/2021 09:34

@mrsg2019

I'm sorry you're having such a rough time online dating, it can be a bloody minefield. I met DH online 5 years ago and I'm so glad I stuck it out. I think honesty prior to dates is key.

Kids can be a dealbraker for some. For me, my ex had a little boy that I was step mum to for 4 years (when his son was aged 0-4) and breaking up with my ex was 100x harder as I still miss that little boy to this day, 10 years on. I swore I'd never date a guy with kids for that reason, I couldn't bear that hurt again. So if I saw a guy had kids, I skipped. Saved us both time. It may seem shallow but honesty - it saves so much time as I would never date a guy with kids, so if he hadn't mentioned it prior to the date and I then found out, it's a dealbraker for me and I know I would not be seeing him again.

@You could be missing out on one hand, but on the other, I think it's wise if you don't have kids yourself. @mrsg2019 It's different if both people have kids of their own, then the situation is more equal and they're both coming from the same place.
Anon778833 · 06/04/2021 09:34

Online dating is shit. And it’s full of entitled men who think that they deserve nothing less than a rich supermodel, when they themselves are certainly no oil painting. It’s also a playground for life’s narcissists.

Stop doing it, there are other ways to meet people. I’d never do OD again. A good proportion of the men I met through it either weren’t single or had something else wrong with them.

I think you also have to bear in mind that if you are looking for a man of your own age, then if they’ve got to that age and have no children then they are either shit at holding a relationship down or they don’t like children. In either scenario this is not someone you want. You should look for someone who will be interested in your children.

I tell you what, I’ve done so much online dating. I’ve never once had a LTR from it. I will never go back to it again.

SleepySundays · 06/04/2021 09:38

I met my dh online dating. It took me years and I went on a date once every week/two weeks. It took work weeding out the frogs! I had lots of dates that were rubbish ( Mr Angry, Mr I’m actually 5ft not 6ft2 etc) but there were nice people too, just no connection. I’m glad I kept at it and met such a gem of a guy in the end

Anon778833 · 06/04/2021 09:39

And yes as others say, some pedophiles will go out of their way to target women with children on OD so it’s definitely better not to mention them initially.

Original poster
liska5 · 06/04/2021 09:54

Thank you, all. Yes, I suppose I’ll keep checking the apps every now and then but it’s disheartening to hear so many bad experiences with online dating! Yes, of course some people end up meeting someone special there but urgh... right now I so don’t want to waste my time on weirdos who I can’t even be friends with. I want to believe in serendipity at least a little bit, I hope I’ll meet someone amazing one way or another, but who knows when... I thought my ex was amazing but that didn’t work out. So much chemistry and amazing feelings etc, but then pouff, all gone and back to square one. Life seems so unfair sometimes.

OP posts:
Sakurami · 06/04/2021 10:07

I think OLD is worth doing just keep your standards high and don't be in a rush. Enjoy getting to know people and see if anything develops.

Liverpoolarefab · 06/04/2021 13:21

I hate online dating - it's the pits . I'm amazed anyone meets anyone on there.