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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Does your partner game?

47 replies

stoopider · 05/04/2021 17:00

I feel extremely lonely in my marriage. If he’s not working my husband is sat on the PS4. Right now, bank holiday and he’s playing a kids game. It’s such a boring life. Is this normal? What do other peoples husbands do with their spare time? How much time do you spend doing things together as a couple and what do you do?

OP posts:
AmandaHugenkiss · 05/04/2021 17:34

DP is an ultra runner and spends a lot of time at weekends and evenings training. 10-12 hrs a week. He tends to go out early on weekends so that we can go cycling or for a walk or to visit friends together, unless one of us is working or having a mates day out in which case we please ourselves. We both like eating out in nice places or cooking together and try to plan a couple of evenings a month doing that (pre covid).

I had an ex who was big in to his computers and he never wanted to do anything as a couple just as a group. He’d avoid firm plans in case he got a better offer (mates or his pc). I always felt like the lowest priority and I hated it. Very glad I’m out of it.

I think people can have hobbies and still spend time together if they are considerate. I’ve had partners who see me as a friend they want to spend time with in the same way as their other friends, and some who it turned out once the honeymoon period was over just saw me as someone they have sex with and live with, but not as good company; that’s what their mates or hobbies were for.

stoopider · 05/04/2021 17:43

Yes I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. He’s happy to have sex with me but makes no effort to actually spend time with me doing things as a couple. He prefers the PlayStation over me. It’s been like this for years but really hit home during lockdown.

OP posts:
youvegottenminuteslynn · 05/04/2021 17:46

@stoopider

Yes I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. He’s happy to have sex with me but makes no effort to actually spend time with me doing things as a couple. He prefers the PlayStation over me. It’s been like this for years but really hit home during lockdown.
Please don't waste your life on someone who makes you feel this way OP.

Take ownership over your life and decide you don't want to spend it with someone who gives so few shits about how you feel and who doesn't share your vision of what a healthy happy relationship looks like.

You're bored, he's boring, it's all unhealthy. Time to move on.

AmandaHugenkiss · 05/04/2021 17:50

@stoopider

Yes I think you’ve hit the nail on the head. He’s happy to have sex with me but makes no effort to actually spend time with me doing things as a couple. He prefers the PlayStation over me. It’s been like this for years but really hit home during lockdown.
Do you have children? My experience from observing friends with partners who won’t engage is that it gets worse once they have children, not better. You may end up feeling like a single parent within the marriage.
Wanderlusto · 05/04/2021 17:50

Get yourself an xbox and another tv and join him.
There's games that suit everyone these days.

The issue is not his gaming though, it's either failure of communication or just straight up that you aren't compatable. There should be a meet in the middle - by you finding your own hobbies to enjoy and him and him making time for you.

If neither of you are willing to do these things then whats the point of the marriage?

You could just ask him to leave 7-9pm free each night as 'family time'.

GooodMythicalMorning · 05/04/2021 17:51

Yes but we both do. So I game when I'm not doing other things too.admittedly not as much though.

sticktomygun · 05/04/2021 17:53

Most adults that game manage to do it without neglecting their responsibilities or their partners.

This isn't about gaming as a hobby, it's about the fact that your partner won't make time for you.

SecretCiderCellar · 05/04/2021 17:53

No. I feel I have saved myself a lot of trouble by ascertaining before a first date whether someone games. If they do, I'm out.

A friend of mine left his marriage last year essentially to game. No one else involved, he just seemed to feel that family life got in the way of his addiction. His new bachelor pad has a completely empty living room, but for a gaming chair facing the TV. When the children visit EOW, they sit and game in their rooms while he games downstairs.

InTheNightWeWillWish · 05/04/2021 17:55

Yes, my husband games. I do sometimes too. So we spent time together this afternoon by playing Lego together. We will also go for walks, go out somewhere, play board games. If I want to spend time with him, I talk to him and he’ll spend time with me. If I’m doing my hobbies and he wants to do something with me, he’ll ask and we’ll do something together. The person asking needs to be prepared to say what they want to do, not just answer with ‘whatever’.

CaffeineAndCrochet · 05/04/2021 17:57

DH games and it can be frustrating but if I feel he's gaming to the point of 'neglecting' me - for want of a better word - I can say this to him and he's good at then taking it down a notch.

Crappyfridays7 · 05/04/2021 17:58

God no, I’ve no interest in these games so couldn’t have someone in them or talking about them. Better things to do with my time.

Lots of couples game together and that’s fine for them. But my boyfriend takes the dog out, or we will go for a walk and a coffee/lunch many things really that don’t involve sitting on his bum on a game he’s not into sport either

EarthSight · 05/04/2021 18:01

@AmandaHugenkiss

just saw me as someone they have sex with and live with, but not as good company; that’s what their mates or hobbies were for

I think that's really common, which results in lots of lonely wives who feel a loss of connection and intimacy whilst their partners see nothing wrong with the set-up and are quite content.

ShinyGreenElephant · 05/04/2021 18:05

No and I really can't stand gaming so it would hugely put me off. But tbh we don't have free time- we have 5 kids between us and that doesn't leave much time to relax! He works away often, works long hours when hes home and we have no child care at the moment due to covid so we schedule in a date night once a month by skipping naps and paying the oldest to 'babysit' (while were downstairs). Still usually ends with at least one kid getting in our bed before weve managed to have sex. If he was gaming while I ran round like a blue arsed fly looking after kids and keeping the house nice he would find his PlayStation buried under the patio

EarthSight · 05/04/2021 18:06

@SecretCiderCellar

No. I feel I have saved myself a lot of trouble by ascertaining before a first date whether someone games. If they do, I'm out.

A friend of mine left his marriage last year essentially to game. No one else involved, he just seemed to feel that family life got in the way of his addiction. His new bachelor pad has a completely empty living room, but for a gaming chair facing the TV. When the children visit EOW, they sit and game in their rooms while he games downstairs.

:O That's shocking @secretcidercellar . It's one thing to have a minimalist (understatement) bachelor cube....but when you've got kids too?? Why do these men have children? If it was just a case of passing on genes, wouldn't it be preferable to be a sperm doner?

I don't think it matters if it's games or not, although they do have that addictive element. I've heard similar from wives of keen cyclists who will just want to spend most of their weekends out on the bike. Although, I can imagine a cyclist fanatic would at least have a sofa.

Nogardenersworld · 05/04/2021 18:08

Yeah DP games, but through the week he makes the effort to carve out time and ‘book’ in some time to watch tv together / do other things we like to do together, and we always eat dinner together and he does 50/50 of the cooking cleaning etc. And that is all prioritised over his game
At the weekend he will say I’d like to play games for a few hours - does that fit with your plans? And he’d drop the game if we had plans/wanted to make plans

I don’t see it much different than some people make time to go for a run. Or out of lockdown would meet their friends for a few hours.

I’d say chat to him about it, maybe he doesn’t realise how he’s making you feel.
However it’s not the gaming that’s an issue it’s DH from what you’ve said..

EarthSight · 05/04/2021 18:09

Did you ever go on short walks together, just to get out of the house? Have you ever regularly visited cafes, watched stuff on TV together...... anything??

stoopider · 05/04/2021 18:39

I’ve done the “joining in with his games” thing and embracing it. The issue is it’s all one sided. I’ve spent years “mucking in”. I asked him to come with me for a swim at my gym. Spent £30 on a day pass for him. He lasted half an hour. Anything I want to do is too boring for him so where’s the balance? Why do I have to embrace it to spend time together yet he’s perfectly happy to do diddly squat with me. In the last 5 years he’s been to a coffee shop for lunch with me maybe 3 times. Yet we often do a quick zip to buy Burger King for lunch and take it home because that’s what he prefers. Our life is geared around him, his likes, his dislikes, facilitating his iPad/PS time. It’s lonely. I just wondered if I’m being unrealistic to expect to have a partner who actually seeks me out to spend time with me. Expresses an interest to do something with me. Day at the beach. Trip to the cinema. Coffee and lunch. Day out on a boat. Walk along the coast. I do all that stuff by myself or scrap around to find a friend to go with. Last summer I wanted to go on a local river boat for a few hours. Beautiful day. I had to go with a friend as he wasn’t interested. We can’t go on holiday because he spends the whole time glued gaming on his iPad. Boring holiday evenings. I’m thinking about retirement and what that will look like. I have friends and a sister to do things with but why? What’s the point? I’m struggling to work out what’s the benefit of being married. I might as well be single and try dating in some sort of hope of finding someone who wants to be active?

OP posts:
stoopider · 05/04/2021 18:41

I don’t understand why men get married if they don’t want to spend time doing things with their wives

OP posts:
Wanderlusto · 05/04/2021 18:46

@stoopider

I don’t understand why men get married if they don’t want to spend time doing things with their wives
Free maid service.
SpacePug · 05/04/2021 18:46

My DH is a gamer. We have a toddler and a 3 month old too. He spends a couple of evenings a week gaming alone, the other evenings we may game together or watch a few episodes of a series were watching together. There's only certain games that we play together but I do enjoy it when we do. Sometimes he will play a game while I'm sat with him, I'll watch/help/play on my phone while he plays . This is fine by me as we are still hanging out together and I get chill time on my phone (by being on MN like I am right now 😂)
If he was ever gaming too much id tell him and he would take a few nights off and spend it with me watching our series or watching me play animal crossing 😁

CatherinedeBourgh · 05/04/2021 18:48

Dh and I bith game (together).We also go for walks, and all the other things you’ve mentioned.

Gaming is a bit like watching a movie, or going to the pub drinking, or whatever., No harm in it if done as one of a number of things, but pretty dull if done for hours on end to the exclusion of all else.

That’s the problem, he’s addicted to one activity, the fact that itks gaming is incidental.

gamerchick · 05/04/2021 18:51

The issue isn't the gaming, despite all the people who will come on slagging it off. The issue is he's a selfish, self absorbed twat. These men never change OP.

EarthSight · 05/04/2021 18:53

If he's like this now, I cannot imagine what he's going to be like in 20 years. It just sounds to me like you don't have enough in common, and that he doesn't really enjoy spending time with you. To enjoy spending time with someone, you have to feel like the time you spend with them is better or at least equal to the time you spend alone or elsewhere.

These things that you want aren't getting to the crux to the matter (like him suggesting time at the beach). Some men might suggest lots of things they want to do with you, but you might still feel like your only role is to be a 'someone' with them. That is, they just don't want to go alone so you, being their partner, are invited because you are the person that would make the most sense to invite. You might find someone very active indeed.....but then you find out that you're in exactly the same situation as before - that they either prioritise their own activities every time over what you'd like to do, or that everything just seems surface level without any depth.

What you want is deeper that. You need to feel connection, intimacy and wanted. You want to feel like he wants to spending time with you, and that he's not doing it as a chore, and that you're not being used to fill a slot.

I think you're right - everything does seem to revolve around his wants. It's not just the going out thing either. If things were lovely in the house, I don't think you would mind quite as much that he wasn't keen on going places and he was more of a homebody.....but it's bigger than that. At the moment, you don't really feel like you have a great partner inside nor outside the house. No wonder you're unhappy.

SassenachWitch · 05/04/2021 18:53

Mines a gamer, which I didn’t mind, it kept him busy and out of my hair, that was until he got into Fifa!

Now he behaves like a ridiculously spoilt, naughty child, slamming, banging, shouting n swearing when he loses or his players are slow 🙄🙄 Honestly, I will never look at him the same again, real real turn off for me!!

RedGoldAndGreene · 05/04/2021 18:55

@stoopider

I don’t understand why men get married if they don’t want to spend time doing things with their wives
Sex He'd have to get away from the tv and make an effort if he wanted to find sex that he didn't have to pay for.