Does your partner game?

[stoopider]

I feel extremely lonely in my marriage. If he’s not working my husband is sat on the PS4. Right now, bank holiday and he’s playing a kids game. It’s such a boring life. Is this normal? What do other peoples husbands do with their spare time? How much time do you spend doing things together as a couple and what do you do?

It always surprises me when I read stories son here about husbands choosing golf/football/gaming/cycling etc over family life

You are wasting you life waiting for him to wake up. Gaming can be a hobby but he should be enjoying life and continuing to make an effort with you

No. I dislike gaming so that was a dealbreaker to me.

My partner games but not to the point that it interferes with our relationship. He usually only goes on a few nights a week at about half 9/10. He catches up with his friends and I have a nice long bath or watch what I want on Netflix. If I said I'd rather he didn't go on one night there would be no issue whatsoever.

I've spent many happy hours gaming - I agree that it's not all about the games but I think there are groups of personalities who tend to cluster around certain interests, and gaming is no different.

There's a certain type of highly introverted, socially awkward person who lives in their heads or digital realm that are particularly attracted to digital games. Add an addictive element to that and you've got an even bigger problem. I guess these would be heavily involved gamers as opposed to very casual ones.

At the same time, I've heard this type of issue too with men who are heavily invested in active hobbies like cycling. I would say the main difference is that with gaming it's a two-fold problem - the problem exists inside and outside the house which is worse.

@RedGoldAndGreene Haha. So true.

Although, in some marriages he doesn't seem bothered about sex so I guess there might be other things involved that make marriage desirable for him.

My husband and I both play games; me mostly on the switch and him on the PS4. He has a standing Sunday night online game session with a friend and I go watch something he doesn’t like, have a face pack, chill out. Doesn’t bother me because we do lots together and most of the time we are doing stuff the two of us.

I don’t see why you would stay with someone who doesn’t want to do anything with you because they’re so preoccupied with something else, doesn’t really matter what else just that he clearly doesn’t care about spending time with you

Had an ex who was into playing Xbox. He wanted dd (who was just three) to be quiet, and for the living room curtains to be closed in daytime - too much glare on the screen. He didn't want to go anywhere at the weekend. Boring! I left but actually because he was always bloody angry as well!

No. It’s a hard line for me. I won’t date a gamer because of situations like these.
My boyfriend is a musician which takes up a lot of his time but at least is more productive! I play video games more than he does and even then it’s not much. He occasionally plays fifa for an hour which I like.

Oh, sorry answering your question about other hobbies etc: I now have a boyfriend and we both have hobbies. We do them, but also like just going out together (pre lockdown) and during lockdown we sometimes do our hobbies together, or we listen to music and chat, go for a walk, have dinner together etc.

No.
He would most definitely be my ex if he did.

On meeting someone if it were revealed that they game, I would not see them again.

It’s juvenile, self absorbed, selfish and takes over.
I would expect it of a teenager but not a grown ass man with a family and responsibility beyond the end of their own nose.

@stoopider

I’ve done the “joining in with his games” thing and embracing it. The issue is it’s all one sided. I’ve spent years “mucking in”. I asked him to come with me for a swim at my gym. Spent £30 on a day pass for him. He lasted half an hour. Anything I want to do is too boring for him so where’s the balance? Why do I have to embrace it to spend time together yet he’s perfectly happy to do diddly squat with me. In the last 5 years he’s been to a coffee shop for lunch with me maybe 3 times. Yet we often do a quick zip to buy Burger King for lunch and take it home because that’s what he prefers. Our life is geared around him, his likes, his dislikes, facilitating his iPad/PS time. It’s lonely. I just wondered if I’m being unrealistic to expect to have a partner who actually seeks me out to spend time with me. Expresses an interest to do something with me. Day at the beach. Trip to the cinema. Coffee and lunch. Day out on a boat. Walk along the coast. I do all that stuff by myself or scrap around to find a friend to go with. Last summer I wanted to go on a local river boat for a few hours. Beautiful day. I had to go with a friend as he wasn’t interested. We can’t go on holiday because he spends the whole time glued gaming on his iPad. Boring holiday evenings. I’m thinking about retirement and what that will look like. I have friends and a sister to do things with but why? What’s the point? I’m struggling to work out what’s the benefit of being married. I might as well be single and try dating in some sort of hope of finding someone who wants to be active?

This sounds miserable to me. It isn’t unrealistic to want someone who wants to spend time with you. I do loads with my DP, we genuinely enjoy each other’s company and we make time to do stuff together.

What did he do with you when you were first dating? I can’t see what you might have found attractive about him unless he faked it for a bit.

Does he at least pull his weight around the house? If you end up doing most of the housework/shopping/cooking I’d be sitting him down for a frank conversation and considering if you wouldn’t be happier single (with the potential for meeting someone great).

I started over at 30 and found my now DP at 36. I’ve never been happier and shudder to think what my life would be like if I’d stayed with the guys who just wanted convenience sex and company when their mates were busy.

I wouldn’t go out with a gamer.
I enjoy being outside, going to places, seeing new things, being spontaneous and none of these activities fit with gaming.

Gaming is addictive and you will find this often slowly creeps into more and more of the gamer’s time until they have no interest in anything else.

Gaming aside, I wouldn’t want to be with someone who had no interest in spending time with me, outside of usual independent hobbies and interests.

No! He sees it as a real time waster - if he's not well he'll spend a bit of time on his mobile on a game but that's pretty rare. I think adults gaming to the point of affecting people around them is a bit childish.

This is so sad and this man is wasting your time. No, it's not OK and it's not normal! My husband and I both have hobbies and make sure we spend family time together and do equal housework. We like each other's company so we seek it out. Your husband would rather stare at a gaming screen and will only do anything with you if you force the issue. You deserve so much more. It will be more fun hanging out with friends and your sister without him in the picture bringing you down every day too.

Mine used to game but now he’s a gardener. He spent the whole weekend on the lawn. He’d rather do that the go out anywhere. To me, it’s made no difference that he stopped gaming. At least he had one of the kids with him all day though.

My partner is a gamer. We don't live together but his gaming has been a real positive lifeline for him throughout lockdown as it's very much been his social life & a way for him to stay connected when he's gaming with his mates.
When I'm at his, I still encourage him to join his mates gaming so that he stays connected. He works really long shifts & for him it's escapism & a way to switch off
He is always respectful of the time he spends online when I'm with him & takes regular breaks to check I'm ok or to get me a drink. So guess I'm fortunate that he gets the balance right
I'd never tell him not to game as I wouldn't expect him to tell me what I can or can't do.
I can see it would be massively annoying if I was a 'gaming widow' but I'd just have a conversation about how it was making me feel.

My ex was into gaming. Like many addictions, it would be OK in moderation. But it just took over and was put ahead of everything else. I just took the dc out and did things with out him. Pointless being together. There were many issues, as he was also financially and emotionally abusive.

My DH games. I don't really mind, he works hard, he's puts me and the kids first and doesn't drink, smoke or go out much other than work, so it's his thing he likes doing. Sometimes yes it can be frustrating if him and my son are playing for ages and taking over the TV and I feel I'm doing everything, but he always listens to me and will stop when he's been on too long.

As other people have said it's not gaming that's the issue, it's your partners terrible attitude.

yes attitude is what matters, as I said qe both game but work, the kids and dogs and each other come before that. If we had something outside to do we'd do that instead. Its like how some watch a dvd of an evening or afternoon but not an all-day-notthing-else-matters thing.

I had an ex who played games until 2am. I used to shower before bed and sit on the floor and cry at how lonely I was. He is an ex for a reason.

My current partner games but so do I. If one doesn't want to play one night we both don't play and do something else.

I think he's an incredibly selfish man who has no intention of practicing the give and take necessary in a healthy relationship. I couldn't tolerate being ignored and I'd leave